Kiss Me Tenderly

Summer melted into fall, leaves falling, the weather cooling until we had to coax, cajole, and eventually, force the kids into their coats, even though they insisted they weren’t cold at all. Life went on as normal except for one thing: wedding plans piling higher and higher around us.

Every day, one of our mothers would ring us saying “Oh, well, I was just looking into caterers and…” or “I heard that having a band play…”. It seemed that they were in contact with each other as well as us and I swear they were conspiring to mold this into some sort of Cinderella fairy tale. When I made a complaint about how they were taking over the wedding and shouldn’t Alex and I have a say?, they just scoffed at me and told me “Alex is the only opinion that matters, he’s going to be the one wearing white.”

At which Alex squawked in protest, turning crimson. “This is the twenty first century! I will not be the blushing bride, Jack and I are partners,” he spluttered, much to my amusement. Chafing his arms, I pressed a kiss to his forehead, reassuring him that it was okay, they were just trying to do this as traditionally as possible and they were only trying to help.

Alex perked up when they said he could choose the cake.

--------------*------------------

“Maybe I should just show up. That’s all the groom does, show up and stand in one spot.”

My fingers grazed Alex’s arm, tracing a mindless trail over his skin and he tilted his head up at me. His eyes looked dark in the shadow of our bedroom but the moon still shone hazily through the cloud cover outside, making his body glow like porcelain, his eyelashes stand out in stark contrast.

“Don’t be stupid,” he reprimanded me lightly, kissing the skin on my collarbone, nipping gently. “You do plenty.” Silence descended before he spoke again. “Have you written your vows yet? I know we just decided yesterday we were going to write out our own but I don’t want you to leave it until the last minute..” His voice trailed off and my mind flashed to the file sitting in my documents folder on my laptop, guiltily thinking about how I had wasted my entire lunch hour today writing my vows and just any thought I had about him.

“I’ve started but like, I don’t know.” My lip twisted up in the corner in what Alex calls my ‘thinking’ face. “Have you?”

Alex’s lip twitched, the little spasm touching my chest. “Yeah. When I’m not hanging out with four year olds. So basically I write on the notepad shoved underneath the counter when the kids are napping.”

The silence that fell back around us was comfortable, the soft little huff Alex gave every time he breathed out mixing with my own slow deep breaths. I let my fingertips trail over Alex’s smooth shoulder, tracing an imaginary figure eight, circles, hearts, stars. He shivered under my touch, snuggling into my body and blankets, sighing as he curled his fingers onto my chest.

“You know, eventually you’re going to have to help me make some of the decisions about the wedding,” he teased and I laughed with him.

“Maybe I’d help with some of the decisions if I wasn’t shooed away like a bothersome fly everytime I tried to help,” I teased right back, nudging his side with my hip. It was true; our mothers would come over at least once a week, arms laden with wedding books and corner him in the living room and talk wedding all night and when I tried offering my support to a quickly fading Alex, they ushered me out, sternly reminding me that this was ‘a bride thing’.

Archaic, I call it.

Alex’s lip jutted out and I was almost distracted by the shine of spit on his plush lower lip highlighted by the silver of the moon. Almost. “So you’re just going to let us surprise you? Let me pick out all the colors and the flowers and the food and the music?”

I pretended to think about it for a second and Alex hit my chest, scowling.

“Not funny,” he scolded, the words offset by the gentle lilt in his tone when he found something funny.

“How about we decide on the food and the music together and on the rest, you and Mom and your mom can go nuts?” I suggested, touching his forehead, gently sweeping away a few strands. “I’ll even let you pick out the color of our ties and suits and everything.” My tone was wheedling but hey, I was bad at choosing anything. At least this way, I didn’t stress out over little things that were just little decorations on the cake and Alex could have a ball creating his perfect wedding because this was the first and only time he was getting married so it might as well be a damn good one.

Alex perked up a little when he heard that. “Really?”

“Yeah really.” I smiled at his enthusiasm, hugging him tight. “I trust your judgement, princess.”

He snorted at that, a slide, a hush of fabric across skin and Alex was pulling his weight over me to straddle my hips. His shadow hovered over me and he pressed us together, chest to chest, warm breath spilling across my cheek as he dotted little kisses from my jaw up to my ear.

“Are you sure about that?” His low laughter ruffled my hair, his fingers spreading out across my chest, little spidery touches and my breath caught a little in my throat. Even now, wherever he touched me, it still tingles and shoots fireworks through my body, going straight to my dick. Alex giggles, grinding slowly backwards onto me and involuntarily, my hips shot up, seeking friction.

“Are you going to make me regret trusting you?” I struggled to keep my voice steady, to keep it from shaking but it was a damn hard thing to do when Alex was slithering his way down, taking his sweet time, touching my skin with his tongue every so often.

He stilled, warm breath washing over where I really wanted him to be.

“Probably.”

----------------*-------------------------

“Nervous yet?”

My sister grinned up at me, fixing my bow tie as I let out a nervous breath.

“A little. Does it show?” I peeked into the mirror, studying my reflection which didn’t look like me at all. Alex had chosen a steel gray suit with an ocean blue bow tie, claiming that it “matched my skin tone perfectly!” Or something equally as gay. My palms were starting to sweat a little so I wiped them on my pants, my sister fussing when she realized what I was doing.

“Jack, just calm down,” she instructed, smoothing her fingertips over the silk. “Breathe and try to control your heart rate.” She brushed her fingers through my hair, making the freshly rebleached hair stick up along with the black. I grinned at her shakily and May’s lower lip trembled as she smiled up at me, her eyes filling with tears.

“I can’t believe my little brother is getting married before me again, you asshole.” She punched my shoulder lightly, hesitating before throwing her arms around my shoulders. I almost started crying too when she hugged me but when she started sobbing into my shirt, it set me and my own personal waterworks off. If anyone walked through the door, they’d find the Barakat siblings sobbing like little babies and hugging and just being an emotional wreck of a family in general.

“Pull yourselves together, you two,” my mother scolded as she strode in, all made up for the day. May pulled away and laughed a hiccupy laugh, wiping at the corner of her eye. “You’ll be fine, it’s not like he’s going to Syria or something.”

“Mom, my little brother is getting remarried and I still haven’t found my Prince Charming, how do you expect me to handle this?” May scowled in mock ire at our mother and I let out a sort of teary laugh, tossing my arm around her shoulders.

“God, I’m getting married, Mom,” I breathed out, absently running a hand through my hair, my sister clucking when I ruined the perfectly styled locks. May began fussing again and my mom laughed when I squawked, “What? What, what did I do this time?!” when my sister came to fix my hair. Once the tumult had died down a little, my sister turned us to look fully into the mirror, my mother stepping into the frame.

They both wrapped an arm around my waist and leaned their heads against my shoulders. I was sandwiched between the two most beautiful women in my entire life, purple silk flowing over gray over red. My eyes flickered up to study my reflection and just like that, the butterflies were back. My cheeks were pink from laughing so much, my lips stretched into a permanent grin. My eyes were lit up and I looked like a man who was told he would never be able to walk but had just climbed Mount Everest. I looked happy.

“You know, I haven’t seen you this happy since you and Venetia were married,” my mother said quietly, also studying my reflection. She looked up at me pensively and spoke again. “You really love Alex, don’t you.”

It wasn’t really a question, I could tell, but I cleared my throat before answering anyways.

“Yeah. I do.” More butterflies. “I will never want anyone more than I want Alex. Ever.” Cue the waterworks right about…. Now. From all three emotional, teary Barakats.

A door creaked behind us and we all swung around, mopping our cheeks off. My brother poked his head in through the door way and look at us bemusedly for a moment before saying, rather cryptically, “It’s time.”

-----------------*-------------------

Hands sweating. Heart fluttering, foot tapping to the beat of my pounding heart.

I wiped my hands on my pants again. The general hum of people talking amongst themselves was setting me on edge, like the drone of a college professor you really didn’t want to listen to but they just never got the hint. I took air in little sips, trying to quell the feeling of impending doom.

Oh my god, I’m going to puke.

My brother punched me in the shoulder, grinning at me when I smiled rather sheepishly back.

“Can’t back out now, big guy, your dearly beloved’s gonna think you got cold feet,” Joe chuckled, smoothing down his tie. I jumped when he clapped my shoulder in what was supposed to be reassurance. “Don’t worry, little brother, he loves you, he wouldn’t hurt you.” His voice became quiet, serious, obviously trying to impress on me that he was, in fact, serious. “He wouldn’t be here doing this with you if he didn’t. Now lighten up.” He punched my shoulder playfully and I gamely winced like it hurt.

I turned to face him fully and made a face. “Funny, I remember you saying the same thing when I was getting married to Ven,” I mocked him, pulling him into a headlock, rubbing my knuckles over the top of his head like we were twelve again, him swearing and laughing trying to pry me off. We horsed around for a few minutes, the tension that had kept my body all locked up all day simply melted away, making me calm down a little bit.

“Boys! Get a grip!” My mom hurried over, Isobel right by her side, both scowling at us. Like children caught redhanded with their sticky little fingers in the cookie jar, we sprang apart, eyeing each other with shifty expressions. He pulled a face so ridiculous, a bubble of mirth found it’s way to the surface, setting off a chain of laughter, met by stiff disapproval by both mothers.

“Straighten up,” my mother frowned, pulling me upright so she could smooth out any wrinkles in my jacket and bow tie, patting my clothes down so they lay flat. I wrinkled my nose in slight distaste, my brother laughing at me. I wasn’t five again.

“Alex will be walking through those doors soon, don’t you want to look smart for him?” Isobel scolded me too as she reached up to brush my hair back upwards, carefully carding her fingers through it to tame it the slightest bit. At the mention of my husband to be who was somewhere in the building, probably being pestered and primped by my sister and all the other female relatives, my breath hitched in my throat, butterflies plastering themselves to the inside of my ribcage. Both women noticed the change in me and clucked, fussing a little more, adjusting my boutineer. They assured me that I would be just fine, that the whole wedding would go off without a hitch because, of course, yours truly had organized the whole thing for us but that did absolutely nothing to calm me down.

“Stop! Stop it you guys, you guys are making me even more nervous!” I attempted to push them away shakily, my shallow breaths escalating. I felt like I was going to fall right out of my skin, the sensation of tremors making it too tight and too loose at the same time. A comforting hand pressed against my shoulder and, startled, I looked up to see my dad standing there, smiling at me.

“Calm down, you’ll be fine.” His voice was soothing, pitched low, speaking slow as his hand squeezed gently, urging me to take a deep breath. I inhaled, let my lungs fill up full with oxygen and then let it out, as if I could breathe out all the nerves. “Just keep breathing, son, you’ll get through it.” He patted my arm clumsily again as I swallowed some more air, letting the cool air wash over me. My dad hesitated before drawing me into a quick, hard hug. “I’m going to run to my seat before your mom yells at me.”

I must still have looked slightly panic striken a few minutes later, because he grinned at me from his seat and gave me a thumbs up. You can do it, he mouthed.

The cliché organ started playing the wedding march and a still fell over the seated audience. I could have sworn that everyone in the front row could hear my heart taking off, taking flight, punching a hole in the ozone. I drew in a deep breath, trying to keep that fist shaped organ in my chest cavity from going into overdrive when I heard my brother whisper, “Ready or not.” in my ear.

I bit my tongue in anxious anticipation and nodded almost imperceptibly, my eyes trained on the door.

I was ready.

----------------*--------------

The crowd was starting to buzz, starting off low but then it started to grow and I could hear snippets of everyone’s conversations.

“-cold feet?”

“-crying in his dressing room-“

“Oh dear.”

“Mary, did you remember to feed the cat-“

A few minutes passed and my forhead creased in confusion. What’s going on? Maybe he decided he doesn’t want to marry me after all? My heart dropped to my stomach, twisting, churning. Invisible iron bands crushed my ribs, contracting like it wanted me to splinter from the inside out. Maybe he didn’t really think that we were meant to be? What if-

I jerked under Isobel’s touch, peering down at her worried face. When did she get there?

“Jack, honey, Alex is a little stressed, he had a break down earlier,” she stage whispered to me, ignoring the curious glances in our direction. “It’s okay, he’s fine now but we had to get him cleaned up before we took him out here and then he started freaking out once he got to the door so that’s why he’s late. We’re going to be starting in just a second, alright?”

The bands of metaphorical metal that had been squeezing me like an almost empty tube of toothpaste relented, vanished. Alex was okay. He didn’t want to call off the wedding. Seeing the relief on my face, my soon to be mother in law grinned and faced the seated people.

“Your attention please! I’d like your cooperation for like two seconds!” The room quieted down, wondering what the mother of one of the grooms had to say that was so important, that she had to interrupt all their speculating and gossip. “Thank you for your patience everyone, I know it can’t be easy just hanging out waiting for the wedding of Jack and Alex but no worries, there was just a slight mishap in the dressing room earlier so we’ll be starting the ceremony in just a few minutes. Thank you.”

She bustled off the stage and out the big doors, closing it firmly behind her, leaving me at the altar with my brother.

A beat.

Isobel poked her head back through the door and hissed, “Start the music!”, a ripple of laughter following her as she closed the door again.

The wedding march started up, a hush fell over all of us, a veil. Then the doors squeaked open and I had this moment of Oh god, this is it, I’m going to get married before everyone rose, turned towards the door. A collective aw went up when the first steps were taken by my two daughters.

Sassy and Missy looked like bookends, black hair in sleek bouncing curls, a touch of what was probably lip gloss smudged across their lips. They both wore the dresses I had put them in when I had asked Alex to marry me, Sassy in sea foam green, Missy in ocean blue. They each carried a small basket filled to the brim with rose petals, slowly scattering them over the carpet. They were closely followed by our little ringbearer, Owen, who solemnly carried the little pillow while dressed in his little gray suit and rose bow tie; you would never have guessed he was only six years old.

When they all reached the front, they took sides, the twins standing with their Auntie May and Uncle Zack on Alex’s side, Owen with myself and his Uncles Joe and Kris. I grinned and ruffled his hair as he passed, receiving a slight scowl but I knew he meant no harm.

Oh man, oh man. There he is. Alexander William Gaskarth, soon-to-be Alexander William Barakat. As cheesy as it sounds, the light haloed him. Completely surrounded and silhouetted him like the angel he is. I drew in a sharp breath.

It was like he just absorbed all the beauty in the world and kept it all for his own.

He grinned at me, his (ironic) white suit contrasting with his light tan, his hair tousled like we had just fallen in bed together. Alex’s eyes were still lightly touched with pink from his nerves earlier but I didn’t think it’d look better on anyone but him. His black bow tie just made him seem all the more adorable and he just looked so eager to get to me, I was surprised he didn’t drag his mother down the aisle with him. Isobel hooked their elbows together and nudged him, the two of them stepping in time.

One foot behind the other and suddenly, he was here, standing in front of me, that smile like the fucking setting sun, shining directly into my eyes.

The minister cleared his throat and spoke in a clear, deep tone. “You all may now be seated.” The colossal mass of people obeyed, settling in to their seats without hesitation.

He turned to Isobel with a sweeping motion. “Who gives this man to be married?”

“I, Isobel Gaskarth, do give Alex Gaskarth to be married.” A sweaty palm was set in mine, a reassuring smile aimed at the both of us. So it seems I’m not the only one who was nervous.

It wasn’t until my cheeks started hurting that I realized I had been grinning like a fool this entire time, Alex returning the gesture. ‘Love you’ he mouthed.

‘Love you too.’

He cleared his throat again and began.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this man in holy matrimony. Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

There was silence as I hoped and prayed that no crazy ex’s would burst into the room wanting to claim Alex as their own but the moment came and went and no crazy ex boyfriends appeared.

“Brilliant,” the minister rumbled, eliciting a slight laugh from a few members of the audience. “Alright, Jack, I believe you have a few words to say to Alex.”

Gulp. Here we go.

“Alex-“ I cleared my throat and began again, nerves creeping up on me again. “Alex, when I met you, I was just a single dad with twin girls and a broken heart.” An aw could be heard. “But now, I have you and it’s like nothing I’ve ever imagined. You drive me completely insane with every breath you take, with every move you make and I love every second of it. Every day, you show me what true love and tenderness is and it’s so mind blowingly amazing how much you care about everyone and everything, it just.. It knocks me out.”

I squeezed his fingers, his smile blinding me again as he squeezed back.

“I never want to be with anyone else but you. You make me smile and laugh and when we’re together, it’s like I will never need anything or anyone else ever. We just.. We fit together.” Pushing at his hands, I pressed our palms together, interlacing our fingers to prove my point. “I love you and I want you to be mine forever. So here’s to the rest of our life, yeah?”

Alex bit his lip, smiling, nodding when the minister gestured for him to begin. He took a moment to collect himself before he began.

“Wow. God, that’s going to be a hard one to follow.” Laughter. “Well, Jack, I love you. Like no other. You’re so charmingly offbeat and you’re so lovely to everyone you know, it makes me laugh. I love the way that you know what my favorite kind of tea is and always keep it in the house. I love the fact that you are so good with our kids and that you are always willing to listen to them, no matter what. I love that we were brought together by those three little ones and that without them, we wouldn’t be in this position right now. Every night, I thank God for them, for you, and for all the little blessings you’ve brought me. I love you so much.”

No, I’m not blinking away tears, those are just feelings that got caught in my eye.

“Jack, do you take Alex to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, cherish, honor, and respect him, to keep him in sickness and in health, and to forsake all others for as long as you both shall live?”

The weight of my gaze on Alex was heavy but he bore it with an easy grace, still smiling that beautiful smile.

“I do.”

“And do you, Alex, do you take Jack to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, cherish, honor, and respect him, to keep him in sickness and in health, and to forsake all others for as long as you both shall live?”

His voice rang pure and golden over the silence of the room, rising up to the rafters, filling every empty space. “I do.”

“Rings are symbolic of your everlasting love and commitment for each other.”

Owen nudged my elbow without even being prompted by the minister and we both smiled down at him, plucking the rings up. Alex went first this time.

“I, Alex Gaskarth, give this ring to you as a symbol of my everlasting love, my commitment, respect, and honor and I am yours forever.”

His hand trembled as he slid the band over my left ring finger.

“I, Jack Barakat, do so solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

I slid the ring onto his finger before the minister could protest, winking at Alex.

“Mischief managed.”

The guests laughed.

“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you, Mr. and Mr. Barakat. You may now kiss the groom.”

My smile split my face as I pulled him into my arms, crushing our lips together. Cheering and applause swelled all around us but all I could think about was how the man in my arms was now all mine, he now carried my last name. He was my husband. Alex kissed back eagerly, fingers clutching into the back of my suit jacket like he never wanted to let go. The moment lasted only a second or two but it was enough; I was married to a wonderful man and nobody could ever take him from me now.

We pulled apart, smiling like Cheshire cats and raised our intertwined fingers, prompting another wave of applause, whistling, and cat calls.

“We’ll see you guys at the reception!” Alex yelled joyously, leaning his weight into me.

--------------------*-----------------

I really hate taking pictures. But that’s what we did for next half hour, get prodded this way and that by one of my aunts who was a professional photographer so hey, saved some time searching for one there. She cooed over each photo, getting pictures of the entire wedding party at the alter, then just us and the kids, and then us, the kids, and our parents. As if that wasn’t enough, she shooed away everyone but our kids and ushered us all outside to have a mini family photoshoot, getting shots of the kids in our laps, us all holding hands, and finally, us just holding our kids, them giving us kisses.

“I cannot wait to see how these turn out,” she babbled, clicking through the pictures on her massive hunk of (no doubt, expensive) technology, cradling the camera like it was the most precious thing in the entire world. “These were like, perfect.”

“Hey, Aunt Constance? D’you mind taking the kids into the reception hall before we head in?” I turned my puppy eyes at her and she laughed, scolding as she turned with the kids trailing after her.

As soon as they were out of sight, I turned to Alex, cradling his face in my hands. His hands came up to cover mine as he smiled softly.

“Hey,” I whispered, nudging our noses together. Not for the first time today, I could feel a stab of excitement and reckless, crazy love all mixed up in each other stab through me and I kissed him, our lips moving together perfectly.

Alex pulled back, a soft laugh dying on his lips. “Why aren’t we with everyone else?”

“I just wanted you all to myself for a little bit,” I answered honestly and it was true; I just wanted to enjoy the fact that we were married for a little while before we actually went inside and had to be interrogated about our plans for the future by many a concerned relative.

“Sounds good to me.”

Silently, we held each other, simply enjoying the warmth and company as we watched the sun sink below the horizon, hues of orange and yellow and red dying in it’s wake, leaving smokey blues and purples smudged over us. It wasn’t until the lights on the outer deck started blinking on, beckoning us inside that we turned to go indoors.

--------------*-----------------

The rest of the night went smoothly, dinner was delicious but I could hardly pay attention to what I was eating, I was just so absorbed with my family, my two daughters and son and my husband.

God, I’ll never ever get tired of saying that.

After dinner, everyone in our wedding parties made speeches; even Missy, Owen, and Sassy had their own little speeches prepared. Kris told everyone about how weird he had initially thought Alex was and concluded by saying that our kids were the best at bringing people together and if they hadn’t wanted to play that one snowy day, he wouldn’t have the best boyfriend in the entire world and would he please stand up?

Trust Kris to royally embarrass everyone.

Afterwards was the dancing. I grabbed Alex’s hand, tugging him the middle of the honey colored hardwood floor, smiling at his violent blush. Once the first notes of the song started up, Alex’s smile became about ten thousand times brighter.

I held him tight on as we rocked from side to side, enjoying the way his breath washed over my ear as he sang to me, relishing the way he just fit against me so snugly, I knew there would never be anyone who fit me as well as he did.

When the world gets too heavy
Put it on my back
I'll be your levy
You are taking me apart
Like bad glue
On a get well card

I heard a little snuffling noise in my ear and I pulled back, confused. Tears were streaming down Alex’s face as he clutched the back of my jacket and he laughed at my worried face. He wiped the tears away, pressing a kiss to my lips to reassure me that he was okay before finishing up the song.

It was always you
Falling for me
Now there's always time
Calling for me
I'm the light blinking at the end of the road
Blink back to let me know
(It was always you)
Blink back to let me know
(It was always you)

The rest of the night was a blur, cake being traditionally smushed on each other’s faces in smudges of red velvet and chocolate, cheers overtaking us when I finally got some into Alex’s mouth. A fair bit of our guests got wildly drunk, necessitating their embarrassed spouses or children to chase them down and make their excuses as the night went on.

It was a beautifully warm night as Alex and I danced underneath the stars outside with our little girls and boy, trying to make up for whatever time we would lose when we were away on our honeymoon. The children chased fireflies barefoot on the grass under the many strings of bauble lights and Alex and I simply sat on the deck, suit jackets discarded, bow ties undone, fingers laced together.

“Hey guess what tonight is?”

Alex tilted his head backwards, trying to see me from where he was nestled in between my legs.

“Our wedding night?” he guessed confusedly. “I mean, we definitely just got married by a pretty sketch minister and had our families embarrass each other by drinking far too much alcohol – I told you that three bottles of Skyy at each table was too much – but-“

“No, silly,” I chuckled, touching the tip of his nose. “Tonight’s the start of our honeymoon. A week and a half in the Maldives, are you all packed?”

Alex rolled his eyes. “You’re literally the tenth person to ask me that.”

“But are you?” I prompted, squeezing his sides with my legs.

“Yes, you goofball, you made me repack it twice, remember?” Alex huffed at me but I knew he wasn’t mad; he was just kind of irritated everyone was treating him like a child.

I hummed in response, just sitting back and enjoying the night, how the air was warm, how the stars was like silvery dust sprinkled out on black velvet, how the trees all around us rose gracefully into the air and how nice it would be if we could live in a place like this. The children’s shrieks of laughter and ‘I caught one!’ and ‘Oh I guess I didn’t catch one!’ were dull in the distance, sounding like they were a million miles away.

“But do you know what else today is?” Alex was struggling in my lap, shifting so we were facing each other. He looped his arms around my neck, grinning mischievously before leaning in to dot kisses all over my face.

“And what’s that?” I humored him, stroking his back, feeling the heat rolling off his skin through the starchy white shirt with my fingertips.

Alex swung his legs over mine so he was straddling me, clamping his thighs around mine so I couldn’t move. He pressed our foreheads together, brown eyes shining as we looked at each other, glowing with love that was no doubt reflected in my own eyes. I could feel his breath on my lips before he kissed me and it was like we had just started dating all over again; sparklers behind my eyelids, surging passion in my chest cavity and wow, it was beautiful.

“Tonight,” he breathed against my lips, “is the first night of forever. That’s what tonight is.”