Dad, what’s masturba- JOEY NOOO!

It was 10 am and the Armstrong house was all silent. The first floor was empty and quite dark as the curtains were closed and restricted the sun’s light from entering the rooms. The second floor was also dark and quiet. Joey was sleeping on his stomach with the bed covers on the floor and no pillow. Jakob was sleeping on the other side of his bed so that his head was facing the direction of the end of the bed. Billie was sleeping on his back whilst Adie was sleeping on her side with her arm around Billie’s chest.

Billie slowly drifted away from the dream he was having and opened up his eyes to come back into reality. He rubbed the sleep from his mesmerising dark green eyes and looked across his right side to see the love of his life. He gently moved himself closer to Adie and kissed her forehead and hugged her peacefully.

“Morning babe” said a soft muffled womanly voice.

“Hey sweetie, did I wake you?” Billie replied looking at his wife as she opened up her eyes and stretched her body.

“Mmm no, you didn’t” Adie replied yawning moving back into the position they were both in, giving him a kiss on the lips and smiling back. Adie stared at Billie for a moment focused on what they were both wearing.

“I think we better put our clothes back on just in case the boys decide to give us a surprise” Adie said looking back at Billie with a cheeky expression on her face.

“Oh Adie do we have to, I like it like this and our bedroom door is locked” Billie replied with a pleading facial expression.

“Hun I know, but how quick can you put on your underwear and clothes if Joey and Jakie want to come in without them getting suspicious as to why our door is locked and why we took so long to open the door” Adie lectured arching an eyebrow and smiling a sarcastic-like smile.

Billie stared blankly at Adie and replied “Adie I know this might sound a bit strange but why did you tell Joey yesterday when you were telling him what to buy from the shops, to get tampons?”

Adie replied “Mmm because a female uses them once a month”. She moved closer to Billie and moved her left arm around his back, sweetly kissing the top of his head and messing up his hair a little more.

“Hun did something happen yesterday?” Adie asked Billie.

“No… it’s just Joey gave me that ‘what’s that’ look yesterday when he told me what we needed to buy” Billie replied looking back at Adie as if he were a little kid asking his parents for advice.

“Oh…I don’t think he knows” Adie said back, scratching her scalp.

“I think I figured that out when I saw that look on his face” Billie said taking over Adie’s arm and putting his around her back. Adie rested her head on Billie’s shoulder and looked up at him.

“Babe I was thinking…he is at that curious age and” Billie was saying but was interrupted by Adie saying.

“You think its time to tell him about the birds and the bees?” Adie finished off saying.

“Mmm yeah but I think he already knows the basics of where babies come from Adie” Billie replied smiling softly.

“I know, I know…you want to tell him more then the birds and the bees…you want to give him the old fashion fatherly and son talk” Adie replied back.

“Yeah…do you read minds for a living or something?” Billie asked arching his right eyebrow looking at Adie.

“No hun, it was just obvious from the beginning” Adie replied laughing lightly, going in for another kiss.

Billie moved avoiding Adie’s kiss saying “sorry babe but I’m not done asking my question…when should I talk with him?” he said, smirking a little.

“Bill since when have you been so eager to ask questions?” Adie replied smiling back continuing with her final answer that Billie was waiting for “if you want to talk to Joey about it then you should have that talk with him when you two are alone together…say go for a long pointless drive, or when he is bored and not doing anything…or when you two are downstairs in the basement playing guitar” Adie replied being serious with her answer.
Billie nodded his head in a manner that meant ‘I will do that’ and this time he went in to give Adie that long awaited kiss.

They both fell gracefully back into their bed, Billie being on top of Adie kissing each other romantically.

Joey rolled over onto his back, still asleep and deep into his dream. However, he kept rolling over in his double sized bed he eventually rolled off his mattress and fell head first onto the floor. Joey immediately woke up in shock and then pain.

“Ouch!” Joey exclaimed, rubbing the back of his head that hit the floor first. His hair was all messy, sticking up in every direction. “Man that hurt” he said once more, this time getting up and heading to the bathroom.

Joey’s P.O.V

God how the hell did I fall like that? Is that mum’s voice coming from the bedroom? Oh what time is it? If only I could answer my own questions. I locked the bathroom door and slowly made my way to the toilet. I felt dizzy as I lifted the toilet seat up, almost as though I was going to spew. I managed not to throw up, did my business and flushed the toilet. I looked like a ghost when I saw my reflection in the mirror. My face was all pale, my hair was all messy and my bottom lip was bleeding from the fall I had. I washed my face with cold water to wake up and I tried to stop the bleeding from my lip. I walked outside getting closer to the sound of mums laughter.

Billie’s P.O.V

“Shhh the kids will hear us babe” Billie said laughing as he kissed Adie’s neck which tickled her.

“I can’t help it, besides your laughing to” She replied finding it hard to control her laughter.
They were now laughing, tickling and kissing each other like teenagers. Then they suddenly stopped when they heard Joey’s voice calling them.

“Mum” Joey said standing out side their bedroom door sounding upset and in pain.

“Yeah baby, are you okay” Adie replied sounding concerned, she crawled out of Billie’s arms and put on her bath robe.

“Mmm no…I fell off my bed and hit my head” Joey said back now leaning against the wall right next to the door.

By this time Adie had signalled Billie to go into their bathroom and put his clothes on as she unlocked and opened their bedroom door to see Joey in an unsteady state.

“Sweetie are you alright, what are you feeling” Adie questioned her eleven year old son hugging him gently, kissing his forehead to feel if he had a temperature and basically the whole motherly check up.

“I rolled off my bed…and landed on my head, I feel dizzy and I feel like I’m going to throw up” He replied back sounding like a five year old.

Billie came out of the bathroom and walked out of his bedroom to see what was wrong with Joey. Billie didn’t notice his shirt was back to front but Adie did and laughed at him.

“Oh shush” Billie said to Adie smiling and then directing his attention to Joey, his facial expression immediately changing from happy to worried.

“Buddy what happened? You need to eat something you look very pale” Billie said to his son gently lifting him up with Adie and walking carefully to their upstairs lounge room settling him down quietly.

“I’m scared if I eat I’ll throw it all up afterwards” Joey replied with a very drowsy and unhappy facial expression.

Two hours had passed and by this time Joey had gotten much better, Jakob was awake, Adie was preparing lunch for the family and Billie was downstairs strumming his guitar, playing the beginning of the song that his band and U2 would be playing on September 26th for the re-opening of the New Orleans stadium and at the same time thinking up ways he should talk to Joey and have ‘the talk’ with him.

Billie’s blackberry PDA started ringing, he looked at its LCD panel and it read “Mike” he pressed the answer button and put it to his ear greeting his best friend.

“Yellow” Billie said into his mobile’s microphone trying to imitate Homer Simpson.

“Hey Bill” Mike cheerfully replied back.

“How art thou?” Billie replied lightly giggling as he tried to sound intelligent and sophisticated.

“Bill dude cut the crap” Mike said laughing back but with a serious tone in his voice.

“Alright, sorry I’m just bored” Billie explained back this time getting up from his chair and placing his guitar back on its stand.

“Your bored, after yesterday…geez if that wasn’t entertaining enough I don’t know what else is except for performing in huge arenas” Mike replied sounding surprised he then took a sip from his coffee cup that he had just bought from starbucks with Tré.

“Is that the sound of an orange mocha frappachino?” Billie retorted back to mike knowing that Tré was with him.

“Err…no what ever gave you that idea” Mike said back smiling cheekily knowing that Billie’s guess was correct.

“Tell him will be there in twenty minutes” Tré said out loud joining in there conversation.

“Did you hear him Bill?” Mike asked back waiting for Billie’s response.

“I’ll open the gate” Billie replied, he closed his phone and headed upstairs.
Jakob was playing with his brand new Robosapian trying to make it pick up his video game from the other side of his room. That boy inherited the laziness from his uncle Steve who was his mother’s brother and also a professional skater. He succeeded into making his robot bring him his video game and so he took it from its hand and placed it into his playstation. As he waited patiently for the game to load Joey passed by and wanted to play with him.

“Is this that new need for speed game?” Joey questioned placing himself down on the floor grabbing hold of the other controller.

“Yep and this time I get to be first controller” Jakob replied focused on the car that he wanted to drive in this game.

“Alright but if I win we have to switch controllers” Joey said back getting ready to play.

“You’re on” Jakob replied smiling an innocent but cheeky smile.

Mike and Tré had arrived and parked the car in Billie’s drive way. The door was already open, they rang the door bell and entered the foyer.

“Hello” Mike and Tré coincidently both said at the same time.

“Hey guys” Billie finally approached coming out of the kitchen greeting his mates.

“What’s up buddy” Tré replied imitating a familiar comedian.

“Well there are three large bedrooms, two ensuites, one guest room, one family lounge room and three balconies” Billie replied back blankly. There was a moment silence and Billie broke it by cracking up with laughter.

“Alrighty then” Mike said out loud examining both of his best friend’s facial expressions.

“lets go down to the studio” Billie then said walking behind them as they made their way to the kitchen to greet Adie have a laugh and then continue on their journey down to were all their magic happens.

“Hey boys, how you doing” Adie greeted Mike and Tré giving them a peck both on their cheeks as they replied back to her”

“I’m good, and yourself?” Mike replied gently smiling back.

“Boys…Adie I’m turning 34 this December and I don’t think I’m a little boy anymore” Tré said back purposely pouting.

“Oh gee I’m so sorry Tré that I treat you like your two years old again” Adie replied back laughing.

Billie grabbed Mike’s coffee that he held in his hands and placed it on the counter.

“You know I think I’d rather you become an alcoholic then a caffeine addict” Billie lectured Mike but in a Joking manner.

“I’m sorry but I think I should tell you that I am already hooked on both caffeine and alcohol” Mike replied back smiling proudly.

“Mike your killing me man honestly, I’d like for you to live to see your grand children at least” Billie stated looking at Adie, Tré and then back to Mike.

“Oh yeah and I’d like for you to give up smoking to see your grand children but you don't see me saying anything” Mike retorted back seriously.

“Ooo the battle of best friends, who will win” Tré cheekily said out loud hiding behind Adie just in case Billie or Mike would lash out on him.

“You know it would be good if you both dared yourselves to give up one of your bad habits for…lets say fourty days” Adie replied laughing at how serious both Mike and Billie looked.

“You know that’s quite a good thought Adie” Mike answered back staring straight at Billie.

“Hmm you give up coffee and I give up smoking for fourty days” Billie replied out loud thinking how good and bad that idea was.

“Hey I’m up for it” Mike retorted looking back at Adie and Tré to see their replies.

“That would be awesome if both of you signed an agreement stating that” Adie replied to them.

“You guys wouldn’t last” Tré replied

“Oi it’s worth a shot” Billie said back going over to the side table grabbing a piece of paper and a pen to write with.

“Sweety since your writing is neat and lovely do us the favour and write down what we tell you to write” Billie said cutely smiling adorably and placing both pen and paper in front of her.

“Okay and I’ll start off by writing ‘we here by take this oath…’” she said as she started writing it down.

After thirty minutes of writing there bond that they stuck up on the refrigerator the three band mates finally made their way down to Billie’s studio and got on their instruments warming up for ‘the saints are coming’.

“Guys can I both ask you something and I want you to be honest with me” Billie spoke turning off his guitar amp and softly strumming random chords.

“Sure what’s wrong” Mike replied

“I’ll be honest I promise” Tré said back showing off his cheeky grin.

“Alright well I know this doesn’t sound like me at all but I need to ask your advice in terms of talking with Joey about…puberty” Billie slowly said slightly feeling a little embarrassed.

“Puberty…what are you going to talk to him about?”Mike replied somewhat confused.

“You mean what’s going to happen with his body or sex” Tré maturely replied.

“Well…all of it…I want to cover it all from A to Z, I just want to get it over and done with if there’s one thing I can teach my son other than playing guitar and kicking a soccer ball this has to be one of them” Billie said using a lot of body language.

“Then what’s stopping you?”Mike questioned now placing his bass down and sitting comfortably on the couch that was placed in the room.

“Nothing is stopping me it’s just that I don’t know when I should tell him, where I will tell him and when I tell him to not scar him for life” Billie finished off saying scratching the top of his head, looking back at Tré and Mike searching for answers that he so desperately wanted.

“Well my dad gave me a basic and weird talk…when I was like twelve” Tré finally joined in and both Mike and Billie quickly shot their eyes straight at him, giving him all the attention.

“What did he tell you?”Billie asked

“I can’t remember all of it but he was basically talking to me about relationships, surprising dreams, girls aren’t just sex objects and what happens to a guy’s whole body” Tré replied looking back at them both.

“Girl’s aren’t just sex objects” Mike humorously said thinking how weird and funny it sounded.

“If you didn’t know this before then I’ll tell you right now…I was a sex addict” Tré replied laughing.

“Yes Tré we both never knew that” Billie laughed sarcastically.

“But seriously, I was one horny youngster…I lost my virginity when I was fourteen for crying out loud” Tré retorted.

“So yeah I need to have that talk with him also because he is at that curious age” Billie continued on saying.

“When are you planning on talking to him about it?” Mike replied.

“Well I was thinking when he would be with me learning to play guitar down here” Billie replied back scanning the room quickly with his eyes.

“Nah how about telling him when you’re in the car with him instead, that way you both won’t get bored and stuff” Tré suggested.

“Yeah that’s what Adie also suggested to me” Billie replied.

“Hey I’ve got an idea” Mike began.

“What is it?” Tré answered.

“Joey and Jake will be coming with us to New Orleans right?” Mike questioned.

“Yeah they will, Adie said she wants me to have some more ‘fatherly bonding time’ with them” Billie answered starting to get a hint of what Mike was thinking.

“Well then…how about on the plane?” Mike said looking back and forth at Billie and Tré to see their reply.

“On the plane?” Billie questioned

“Yeah you sit next to him and have a good conversation about it” Mike replied feeling as
though he was a genius for coming up with that thought.

“But that would be hard because we need privacy Mike” Billie explained.

“Dude, will be in first class…what more privacy would you want?” Mike said back.

“Yes but still I mean privacy as in a room where no one else is in it but me and him…where no one hears us” Billie replied.

“I know, how about the hotel room then?” Tré jumped in with a pleasing response.

“The hotel room aye” Billie said out loud pleased with that idea.

“Yeah that’s even better, right after the night we perform with U2…you and Joey go back to your room and Jakob can come with us” Mike answered with a bright facial expression.

“That’ll give you the whole night to talk to him” Tré retorted

“Yeah but guys have you both forgotten the fact that after the performance will be partying with everyone…most likely go to a bar to celebrate?” Billie asked smiling normally looking at both Mike and Tré.

“Well…where are your boys going to go when will be doing that?” Mike answered arching his eyebrow waiting for a response.

“I’m going to let them stay in the hotel room on their own…start building some trust with them and let them be independent” Billie replied.

“What about our tour bus?” Tré exclaimed.

“Nah that’s too dangerous…especially when Jakob has got access to the driver’s seat” Billie said laughing a little.

“His not that destructive” Mike replied smiling sarcastically.

“Oi back off my twin” Tré cheekily said standing up from his drum kit chair and heading to the lounge where Billie and Mike sat lazily.

“Your twin… I’m pretty sure Adie didn’t give birth to you Tré and I’m pretty sure I’m not you farther for that matter also” Billie replied laughing with Mike and Tré.

“Dude that’s wrong in all areas…Jakob has just been born with my thoughts that’s what I meant by the word twin” Tré said.

“Yeah…sure he does Tré” Mike replied still giggling as he went to the bar fridge and grabbed out three bottles of west coast fruit champagne.

“Dude this is a girl’s drink…what the hell” Tré said as he took the bottle from Mike looking at Billie.

“Yeah I think Adie put them down here from yesterday for the other ladies because the upstairs fridge was packed” Billie replied

“I’m not complaining” Mike said as he took a big swig of the drink enjoying its fruitful taste.

“Dude but seriously, don’t sweat about talking to Joey about it now…I’m sure his got his friends to tell him about it” Tré said to Billie.

“Mmm yeah but still…I’m going to sleep on it…I don’t know…geez I never thought it would be so hard to talk about it with him…everyone would expect me to be the least worried about stuff like this but I guess in the end I’m just a regular father” Billie tried to explain sounding as though he was about to have a panic attack.

“Man you are over-reacting…chill dude” Mike said trying to calm his best friend down.

“And Bill you are not a regular dad…you are a rock star for crying out loud” Tré replied

“Thanks guys” a confused Billie Joe answered back.