Yes

I spat out a growling laugh.

“Rocco, seriously!”

He held up his hands in defense, his usual puppy grin spreading across his bearded face, as he said: “I’m not doing anything, I swear!”

“Cut, cut, cut…” Troy sighed in resignation as he waved at the camera man.

I tried to hide my laugh, looking down at Norman who was looking up at me from the floor, his hands on my thighs. He was smiling too, an amused smirk on his lips. I let my hand reach down to mess his hair a bit; he wasn’t supposed to think this funny too.

“You two; figure it fucking out. We need this done, now! Rocco; cut the crap or else I’m gonna break your neck…” Troy yelled.

I looked over to Rocco’s face. There was still this teasing light in his eyes as he winked at me. He had been teasing me all morning, flashing me crazy faces and weird expressions and I couldn’t help but to laugh out loudly every freaking time. That man was a nut-job.

And it would be fine, him teasing me, if it wasn’t for the fact that we were shooting the, for me, most important scene of this whole movie: the scene where the boys go to heaven. So, I felt a sting of irritation as I tried to shake off the laughter; I had to do this well, this was important, this was the only thing I had to think about right now and if I didn’t do it properly, Troy was going to kill me.

Literally, I was afraid…

And he was already kind of mad at us, I mean, Troy often seems stressed out or not in a good mood because of the pressure from his boss, but this time you could see it in his eyes; he seriously looked to be fuming. And I couldn’t blame him.

This was our… I don’t know, maybe twentieth take, and every time we tried over again, someone would fuck it up. If it wasn’t me bursting out in laughter because of Rocco, it would be Norman slapping Sean for looking at me too indiscreetly.

And the fact that this was my only scene completely naked didn’t help either.

I was self-conscious as hell as I sat there, titties, ass and… yeah, everything bare while having everyone look at me.

I was sitting on a chair while Norm and Sean was resting on their knees on the floor below me, both of their hands on my thighs, and they were supposed to look at me, like, well, yeah, like I was their angel, with adoring eyes. As weird as it sounds.

My body was electric; everywhere Norm and Sean laid their warm hands, my skin would prickle and tremble.

Before doing the scene, Sean had pulled me and Norm to the side and he’d said: “Okay guys, let’s get the record straight before we begin, right? Reedus, you know how we’re supposed to look at her, and I’m not some perverted freak here, okay? I promise to not think about her in any way sexual.”

Norm had smirked and nodded his head, saying: “I know, Sean. But please don’t promise anything you can’t keep.”

They’d both laughed and swung their arms around each other’s shoulders.

I’d been so embarrassed.

It felt really weird looking into Sean’s eyes during our takes. I knew he was acting as Connor, but my fucking mind wouldn’t stop going: ‘Hey, that dude looks kinda cute, he’s looking at your naked body, touching you, hey, remember those kilos you wanted to lose before doing this scene? Yeah, well, too late motherfucker, lalala…’

And Troy had already busted me in keeping my eyes on Norman too much.

“I know you think Reedus is hot, but you gotta look at them equally. It looks weird on film if you’re only paying attention to Murph.”

That comment had made Norm smile like a goofy little kid. Fucker.

And Billy and Dafoe had also fucked the scene up one time; when Billy was to say: ‘Me boys, welcome home. Why don’ ye have a seat?’ he’d said: ‘Why don’ ye have a peep?’

And Dafoe had laughed his ass to shreds, embarrassing the hell out of me. I mean, all these dudes in one room while you’re naked? Not something you’d want for a girl. And Julie Benz didn’t really count as a girl for me; she was laughing just as much as the boys. Not that she didn’t look like a girl; hell, she’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. But you get my point, right?

“Alright people, we’ll just take the lunch break now,” Troy sighed as he looked at the monitor, “And then you fucking pull yourselves together! All of you! I know this is weird for you all, but… Just… Do it, alright?”

His voice came off a bit desperate at the end.

I couldn’t help but to feel sorry for him. We’d acted like a bunch of teenagers all morning.

I spent my lunch break alone, enjoying the warmth of the sun out on a bench behind a trailer. I needed to get away from all the fun-making and goof-heads in there; I needed to gather my thoughts and get focused again. I read through my lines a couple of times before throwing my cigarette butt on the ground and entering the big building again.

As I walked onto set, most of the guys were already there. I smiled as I sat down on the big golden chair like I was supposed to and waited for everyone to get ready. The air seemed to have changed between us; silence and seriousness was making it seem both thicker and lighter at the same time.

I breathed out nervously as Troy walked in, but as I saw that a smile was on his face, I immediately felt my muscles relax again.

Troy was a special man; very passionate about his work, swore a lot, strict in many ways but he was also one of the coolest people I’ve ever worked with. He was kind and thoughtful and always remembered to say when he thought you did something good.

Yes, he was kind of intimidating but I think I needed that. You know, to pump myself up and do my best every day. But I was happy to see that the cast hadn’t freaked him out completely... yet.

............................................................

The lights flashed back on and the silence filled the room.

“Murph?!”

A desperate cry slashed through the room as the brightness blinded my eyes. But I knew it was the boys; my boys. My skin trembled as cool air waved over me.

“Connor?”

A warm hand was put on my shoulder, sending mild shivers down my spine. Their dad. They were finally coming home; my brave, brave shepherds had done what God had assigned them for.

“Th’feck are we?” Murphy’s voice stuttered out as their silhouettes became more and more visible through the thick luster.

“Me boys…” Da sounded with a rough voice from behind me and echoed a mild bass through the big room.

“Da?!”

“Welcome home, boys. Why don’ ye have a seat her’ wit’ us?”

I smiled warmly at them as they now were fully visible, just before me, in their pea coats and holed jeans, faces dirtier than ever and with their rosaries hanging out over their heaving chests. Their eyes were filled with confusion as they took in the sight before them, all of their late friends just standing there, smiling at them, as to welcome them.

And then me in the middle of them all; the woman that had showed her presence to them several times in the last days of their lives.

I could see them both gaze upon me, and my chest heaved slowly, a tear escaping the corner of my eye.

I opened my arms at them as I spoke in a breathy voice: “Suigh, aoirí. Páirt a ghlacadh do theaghlach agús lig Dé lámh dhuit dteagmháil.”*

“Not to be rude or anyt’in’,” Connor spoke out slowly as he approached me with narrowed eyes, “but, who th’feck ar’ye?”

“Is mise,” I breathed as I let a smile cross my lips, “Amaideach, péinteáilte tú dom muineál chun Is ort féin, ní dhéanann tú dearmad?”*

Both of the MacManus twins reached up to let their rough hands stroke the skin of their necks, inked with my symbol. Their guardian angel.

They both sank to their knees as they understood my words and they kissed my shins as I reached down to have my hands cup their faces.

“Aingeal…” they both breathed and I felt Murphy’s fingers run over my inked thigh, sending goose bumps all the way up to the line of my hair. Their prayer.

“Is ea,” I told them as I closed my eyes and lifted my face towards the blinding lights, “Do chosa rinne a toil agus tú ag éileamh anois síochána i bhur gcroí.”

They both raised their hands to stroke my stomach and I felt warmth spread around my pounding heart. “Teacht, fir. An chuid eile do gcroí trom.”*

...........................................................

I don’t remember more from the scene. But I remember how real it had felt.