Status: Active Once More
The Girl Who Cried Rape
Keep My Conscience Clean When I Wake.
English is neither my favourite or least favourite subject, it’s existence is made bearable because of Seth suddenly ignoring me. And as much as I want to ignore my next thought I can’t, because English is made less difficult because Eric sits beside me and says stupid little things to make me smile and forget for just a second how much pain I am really in. I sit at the back of the room, Eric is not here yet and neither is the teacher. My anxiety is skyrocketing.
“Rape me,” My head snaps up from my bag to stare at Seth who is playing a song on his phone. The lyrics cause my heart rate to accelerate, and I am left with nothing else to do but stare at him as he smiles that Cheshire cat grin at me. The teacher walks in and I believe I am saved.
“Rape me my friend,” Someone else sings jumping on the let’s torture Ryan bandwagon.
“Miss, did you like Nirvana?” Seth asks our teacher, Mrs Jones.
“I don’t think you could be a teenager in the nineties and not love Nirvana,” She says with a smile and a chuckle,
“I really like this song,” Seth’s says his eyes returning to bore into mine. Kurt Cobain keeps singing the words that taunt me without empathy. “Rape me again,” Seth sings staring straight at me, I gulp. I swear at that moment my breath stops, I cannot breathe, his words have sent such terror down my spine.
I look around the classroom and see no sympathisers, that is until Eric walks in, my eyes falling on his familiar face. It makes my breathing even sharper because I know he won’t stand for this.
I am so terribly confused, confused because my body is reacting in such differing ways. Seth is making me want to crawl into the foetal position and die but the mere sight of Eric is making me want to stand and face my tormentors show them they haven’t killed me just yet. I am not sure which feeling makes me more uncomfortable, probably the mix of both.
“Turn that off” Eric says standing tall in front of me and blocking me from my attacker. I am not sure why Eric is acting like he is Superman and I his Lois Lane but it makes me feel even worse.
“Fuck off man,” Seth sneers turning up the volume on the song so I can hear it over Eric and his argument.
“I sad turn it off.”
“Calm down please gentlemen!” Our teacher commands turning her back on the argument, I don’t understand why she wouldn’t protect me and then I realise she doesn’t believe me either. It stings.
Everyone in the classrooms eyes are glued to Eric and Seth, their little confrontation the most exciting thing in English since Missy Carlyle puked, apparently she is pregnant. I am not sure I believe the rumours, look at what everyone is saying about me.
“Or what?” Seth asks with arrogance, he thinks Eric won’t do anything to him, but I am terrified Eric will. Eric reaches forward and grabs Seth’s phone turning off the song himself.
“Don’t you ever get disgusted with yourself for being such a prick?” Eric asks the class snickers at the insult.
“Don’t you ever get disgusted with yourself for protecting a little whore?” I gasp at the insult my insides curling in on themselves in pain.
I hate Seth but say nothing, my mouth and brain are no longer connected it would seem. Everyone is staring at me and I hear a small giggle in the background, I don’t know who it comes from but it is enough to send me over the edge.
I push back my chair and walk calmly from the room, the teacher telling Eric and Seth, ‘that is enough’. I hear Eric say something to Seth but I can’t make it out, I know Eric is following me but I do not want to see him, I just want to be alone so I start running. I run for Eric and this whole mess.
I stop as I reach a dead end at the end of the hallway. I stare at the janitors closet and consider hiding in it but Eric is turning the corner and he has seen me, “Go away” I tell him not caring who hears us at this point. I am broken, beyond broken. I am crushed into a million piece and I am sick of Eric picking me up and putting me back together, I just want to stay the way I am.
I am hurt and I am angry and embarrassed and I want Eric to know all this. I want Eric to go away. I want to go back to blending into the walls, I want to go back to not feeling so guilty for having such terrible thoughts about myself. I want Eric to go back to New York so I can hurt myself and not think that someone finally cares about me enough to stop me.
But most of all I want Eric to hug me and it is the worst feeling of them all. “What?” He asks as I bend at the waist tears falling from my eyes.
“I said go away Eric.”
“Why?”
“I don’t need you to protect me Eric, I am a big girl I can take it.”
“Then why did I walk out on you about to jump off your roof last night Ryan? How can you stand here and tell me you don’t need me when I am the only one who cares?”
“Fuck you.” I spit with venom. He is making my heart and head hurt and it is so frustrating. His holy attitude and protective nature pisses me off; I want him to feel terrible. I want him to feel as confused and hurt as I do right now.
“Dammit Ryan,” He says exasperated with me. Good, I want to piss him off. “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you just accept my help?”
“Because I don’t want it.” Eric pauses his mouth open in shock. I blink as the words register in my tired brain. I can’t go back now all I can do is go forward, so I do. “I never asked you to be my protector and I don’t want you to be.” I say my tears are falling now, because what I am saying is so far from the truth it is laughable, I don’t laugh though because Eric looks so sad and it freaking hurts me.
“I’m… I’m not giving up on you Ryan,” I have to fight every fibre of my being not to step forward and accept Eric’s protection. I try to convince myself I don’t need it; I tell myself I am find without him but I know I am not. That however does not stop my sad mouth from replying with mean words.
“Yeah, well I’m giving up on you,” I walk past Eric, back the way I came, and turn a few corners. I wait, I wait for Eric to follow me to come and find me, continue to fight for me but when he doesn’t I fall to my knees sobs racking my small body as I realise I have just lost the only boy I have truly trusted. I have lost the one person worth living for and I have no one to blame by myself.
Trust me I am painfully aware of this.
“Rape me,” My head snaps up from my bag to stare at Seth who is playing a song on his phone. The lyrics cause my heart rate to accelerate, and I am left with nothing else to do but stare at him as he smiles that Cheshire cat grin at me. The teacher walks in and I believe I am saved.
“Rape me my friend,” Someone else sings jumping on the let’s torture Ryan bandwagon.
“Miss, did you like Nirvana?” Seth asks our teacher, Mrs Jones.
“I don’t think you could be a teenager in the nineties and not love Nirvana,” She says with a smile and a chuckle,
“I really like this song,” Seth’s says his eyes returning to bore into mine. Kurt Cobain keeps singing the words that taunt me without empathy. “Rape me again,” Seth sings staring straight at me, I gulp. I swear at that moment my breath stops, I cannot breathe, his words have sent such terror down my spine.
I look around the classroom and see no sympathisers, that is until Eric walks in, my eyes falling on his familiar face. It makes my breathing even sharper because I know he won’t stand for this.
I am so terribly confused, confused because my body is reacting in such differing ways. Seth is making me want to crawl into the foetal position and die but the mere sight of Eric is making me want to stand and face my tormentors show them they haven’t killed me just yet. I am not sure which feeling makes me more uncomfortable, probably the mix of both.
“Turn that off” Eric says standing tall in front of me and blocking me from my attacker. I am not sure why Eric is acting like he is Superman and I his Lois Lane but it makes me feel even worse.
“Fuck off man,” Seth sneers turning up the volume on the song so I can hear it over Eric and his argument.
“I sad turn it off.”
“Calm down please gentlemen!” Our teacher commands turning her back on the argument, I don’t understand why she wouldn’t protect me and then I realise she doesn’t believe me either. It stings.
Everyone in the classrooms eyes are glued to Eric and Seth, their little confrontation the most exciting thing in English since Missy Carlyle puked, apparently she is pregnant. I am not sure I believe the rumours, look at what everyone is saying about me.
“Or what?” Seth asks with arrogance, he thinks Eric won’t do anything to him, but I am terrified Eric will. Eric reaches forward and grabs Seth’s phone turning off the song himself.
“Don’t you ever get disgusted with yourself for being such a prick?” Eric asks the class snickers at the insult.
“Don’t you ever get disgusted with yourself for protecting a little whore?” I gasp at the insult my insides curling in on themselves in pain.
I hate Seth but say nothing, my mouth and brain are no longer connected it would seem. Everyone is staring at me and I hear a small giggle in the background, I don’t know who it comes from but it is enough to send me over the edge.
I push back my chair and walk calmly from the room, the teacher telling Eric and Seth, ‘that is enough’. I hear Eric say something to Seth but I can’t make it out, I know Eric is following me but I do not want to see him, I just want to be alone so I start running. I run for Eric and this whole mess.
I stop as I reach a dead end at the end of the hallway. I stare at the janitors closet and consider hiding in it but Eric is turning the corner and he has seen me, “Go away” I tell him not caring who hears us at this point. I am broken, beyond broken. I am crushed into a million piece and I am sick of Eric picking me up and putting me back together, I just want to stay the way I am.
I am hurt and I am angry and embarrassed and I want Eric to know all this. I want Eric to go away. I want to go back to blending into the walls, I want to go back to not feeling so guilty for having such terrible thoughts about myself. I want Eric to go back to New York so I can hurt myself and not think that someone finally cares about me enough to stop me.
But most of all I want Eric to hug me and it is the worst feeling of them all. “What?” He asks as I bend at the waist tears falling from my eyes.
“I said go away Eric.”
“Why?”
“I don’t need you to protect me Eric, I am a big girl I can take it.”
“Then why did I walk out on you about to jump off your roof last night Ryan? How can you stand here and tell me you don’t need me when I am the only one who cares?”
“Fuck you.” I spit with venom. He is making my heart and head hurt and it is so frustrating. His holy attitude and protective nature pisses me off; I want him to feel terrible. I want him to feel as confused and hurt as I do right now.
“Dammit Ryan,” He says exasperated with me. Good, I want to piss him off. “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you just accept my help?”
“Because I don’t want it.” Eric pauses his mouth open in shock. I blink as the words register in my tired brain. I can’t go back now all I can do is go forward, so I do. “I never asked you to be my protector and I don’t want you to be.” I say my tears are falling now, because what I am saying is so far from the truth it is laughable, I don’t laugh though because Eric looks so sad and it freaking hurts me.
“I’m… I’m not giving up on you Ryan,” I have to fight every fibre of my being not to step forward and accept Eric’s protection. I try to convince myself I don’t need it; I tell myself I am find without him but I know I am not. That however does not stop my sad mouth from replying with mean words.
“Yeah, well I’m giving up on you,” I walk past Eric, back the way I came, and turn a few corners. I wait, I wait for Eric to follow me to come and find me, continue to fight for me but when he doesn’t I fall to my knees sobs racking my small body as I realise I have just lost the only boy I have truly trusted. I have lost the one person worth living for and I have no one to blame by myself.
Trust me I am painfully aware of this.