Status: Active Once More
The Girl Who Cried Rape
I'm Restless
I am trying to remember what makes or made me happy rather. Such a simply task that has resulted in my brain hurting and a lingering stare out my window at my neighbour’s house, Eric’s house. I am unable to think of a single thing that made me happy other than the boy next door, and that is a sobering thought.
I am trying to remember the time when I was three and scraped my knee and my dad fixed it up for me but the memory is leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. I am trying to remember my mother tucking me in every night as a child with a sweet kiss on the forehead and words of love but it is making my stomach churn.
I am remembering everything that once made me smile, realising that now it only makes me feel indifferent. I hate that I no longer quite remember what once made me smile, I hate that I don’t even remember what true happiness is. And most of all I hate that that is a lie because I have felt true happiness recently, around Eric.
I catch myself staring into Eric’s bedroom and an odd fluttery feeling erupts in my chest, it is unnerving and I completely hate it. I want to hate Eric, despise his very being. I want to be able to let him go, but the fact that I cannot makes my dull heartbeat hurt.
I hate Eric for plaguing my thoughts and I hate him for not giving up on me despite my desperate pleas for him to do just that. I hate that I can’t tear my eyes away from his window because I am desperate to see him, the only thing I associate with happiness anymore.
I climb out my window as darkness seeps into my soul again. I do not want to die; it is not that kind of sadness. It is just a dull ache reminding me that life is painful. I just need some air, I just need my head to stop throbbing and I just need a moment of quite calm.
The roof is the only place that can offer any of these things to me, so I climb to my one spot of solace and lay back. I do not have my music playing in my ears, my phone still in my room. I listen to the cars as they drive past.
I close my eyes because I am tired and I need to sleep. Every single movement I make feels forced and the movements take more energy than I currently possess. I sit up and stare at the sky, the stars are rather pretty but not enough so to make a difference, to make me smile or feel hope. Only one person can do that and I have pushed him away.
My eyes, acting on their own accord, glance down to Eric’s window. The light if off but there is a flutter of hope in my chest that maybe he will see, maybe he will come find me and I won’t have to make things better on my own.
I pull my knees to my chest as his window remains closed and shadowless. I should be used to the disappointment now, but somehow I am not. It is almost funny, but I am too tired to laugh.
I am trying to remember the time when I was three and scraped my knee and my dad fixed it up for me but the memory is leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. I am trying to remember my mother tucking me in every night as a child with a sweet kiss on the forehead and words of love but it is making my stomach churn.
I am remembering everything that once made me smile, realising that now it only makes me feel indifferent. I hate that I no longer quite remember what once made me smile, I hate that I don’t even remember what true happiness is. And most of all I hate that that is a lie because I have felt true happiness recently, around Eric.
I catch myself staring into Eric’s bedroom and an odd fluttery feeling erupts in my chest, it is unnerving and I completely hate it. I want to hate Eric, despise his very being. I want to be able to let him go, but the fact that I cannot makes my dull heartbeat hurt.
I hate Eric for plaguing my thoughts and I hate him for not giving up on me despite my desperate pleas for him to do just that. I hate that I can’t tear my eyes away from his window because I am desperate to see him, the only thing I associate with happiness anymore.
I climb out my window as darkness seeps into my soul again. I do not want to die; it is not that kind of sadness. It is just a dull ache reminding me that life is painful. I just need some air, I just need my head to stop throbbing and I just need a moment of quite calm.
The roof is the only place that can offer any of these things to me, so I climb to my one spot of solace and lay back. I do not have my music playing in my ears, my phone still in my room. I listen to the cars as they drive past.
I close my eyes because I am tired and I need to sleep. Every single movement I make feels forced and the movements take more energy than I currently possess. I sit up and stare at the sky, the stars are rather pretty but not enough so to make a difference, to make me smile or feel hope. Only one person can do that and I have pushed him away.
My eyes, acting on their own accord, glance down to Eric’s window. The light if off but there is a flutter of hope in my chest that maybe he will see, maybe he will come find me and I won’t have to make things better on my own.
I pull my knees to my chest as his window remains closed and shadowless. I should be used to the disappointment now, but somehow I am not. It is almost funny, but I am too tired to laugh.