The Girl Who Cried Rape

I have not opened my blinds in three days, I have refused to let the sunlight into my room. I am terrified that with the sunlight will come Eric and more kisses that make me finally feel full. It is thirty minutes before I would normally leave for school but I am trying to avoid the sunshine and Eric so I grab my things and race out to my car. I don’t breathe until I am safely seated in the driver’s seat with my keys in the ignition and am reversing. I check for cars and for Eric, the road is clear so I quickly pull away and drive the short distance to school.

I have spent the past three days studiously avoiding Eric in and outside of school. I haven’t been to English since that night, but after receiving a warning from my teacher about my attendance I have no choice but the present a doctor’s certificate or actually attend class, otherwise I fail.

I get out of my car trying to ignore the pain, with each step, that shoots into my heart. I think there might be something terribly wrong with it, something more than sadness because it feels like someone has stabbed me and ripped open the very thing that keeps me alive.

I get to class twenty minutes early and after staring at all the chairs I decide that I will not sit in my normal seat next to Eric, I will hide in the corner and hopefully not only with Eric leave me alone but so will Seth. I haven’t seen Seth since before Eric kissed me and I am terrified that if Seth sees me he will know. He will know what happened and he will make sure that my sadness doesn’t evaporate, even for a second.

I stare out the window purposefully ignoring my teacher when she walks in ten minutes later and every other student until all the seats are taken but one, the one next to me, no one wants to sit next to me they are terrified they will get a venereal disease just from sitting to close. Nearly fifteen minutes late when my heart has calmed, Eric walks in and smiles at the teacher a lopsided grin that softens her anger.

He falls easily into the seat next to me readjusting his glasses, since he joined the football teams he has taken to wearing contacts, and for I second I wonder what would happen if I were to kiss him with those big glasses. Would they bump my nose or simply fall off?

I begin to choke on air as my thoughts turn, I see Eric turn to face me as well as a couple of other students. But I pretend I am searching for my water bottle in my bag and not able to look up and make eye contact. I sip my water and as it slides down my throat I wonder if this water will be the one to cure me like my mother had promised all those nights ago.

I keep my head down for the rest of the session focusing on the words on the page in front of me, ignoring Eric. I can feel him watching me and I wish he would just stop; doesn’t he get it? I don’t want him to look at me. I don’t want him to kiss me. I just want him to stop. Stop it all, and I think I am going to cry because it is a lie. I want so desperately to kiss Eric again that it is making my sore heart beat widely and my dry eyes tear up.

When our teacher dismisses us I pretend I am in a hurry to get to my class, even though I have a spare period. I hastily throw my books away in my bag and try to make it out the door before Eric can catch up to me. I make it to the fifth locker from the classroom when a body falls in pace with me,

“How long are you going to avoid me?” Eric asks, he is looking straight ahead and his cheeks are slightly red, I fight a smile. He doesn’t look like the cocky boy who flirts with all the cheerleaders he looks like the shy boy who, all those months ago, wanted to ride to school with me.

“I’m not avoiding you… I’m just… I’m just late”

“For what?” I ignore his questions and turn the corner quickly, not entirely sure where I am headed. I past the exit to the library a while ago and am now just walking for the sake of losing Eric. It is only when I hear a group of loud boys call out his name am I sure I have lost him. I continue walking and turn around to see him staring after me, stuck talking to those loud boys he calls his friends.

I walk quickly to the courtyard that is always abandoned between classes, I lean against the cool brick wall that supports a classroom trying to catch my breath. I close my eyes and count to thirty tying to rid my body on this awful feeling. I both want to run away and turn around and go to Eric, tell him the truth.

My truth.

I manage to keep my distance from Eric for the rest of the day by spending lunch in the girl’s bathroom on the third floor, which is reserved for smoking and reapplying mascara. I grab my bag now checking one last time in my locker that I have all my homework, I do. I rush between people almost jogging to get to my car. I hear someone call my name and I know it is Eric, I can feel him behind me begging me to stop and talk to him.

Once I am in the car park and I increase my speed my boots hitting the pavement so fast I nearly trip on my laces three separate times. I reach my car but Eric is right behind me, I forgot how fast he was. I turn to face him but my eyes won’t reach his. They are stuck on his lips, the ones that taste like peppermint and feel like the softest of tissues.

“Did you really think you could outrun me? I am on the football team for a reason,” I ignore him because I know he is trying to make me laugh. Trying to make me smile, make me react to him in some way so he can talk to me about what happened but I don’t want to talk, no I want to kiss him. And the thought makes me want to throw up or throw my arms around his neck and kiss him. I am sure which I feel more, I hope for the first but fear the latter.

I have my car keys in my hand and Eric takes a step forward, pressing me against the car, people are watching us as they get into the cars but Eric doesn’t care. It is as if I am the only person on earth, he is focused solely on me and it makes my stomach drop.

“Tell me no right now Ryan and I will leave you alone. I will walk away right now and never bother you again. Just tell me no” I open my mouth because I want to tell him no but nothing but air escapes my mouth and I realise I can’t tell him no when my heart is beating yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

“Say it Ryan,” He whispers leaning down to my eye level, and then he smiles that cocky grin I am still not used it, because he knows he has won. He has won whatever war we were fighting all these months.

And then in front of everyone, in front of Seth and Tamara who are pretending to wait for a car to reverse but are really watching me. In front of Jenna who gives me a small smile, and in front of Amanda who is blatantly staring with her brows raised and a hand on her hip, in front of all of them and everyone else, Eric kisses me.

And I kiss him back.