Status: Active Once More
The Girl Who Cried Rape
I'm So Afraid of Defeat
I am wondering if it ever gets better, the sadness, the memories, the sickness. I feel it in my stomach at the thought of what happened to me and I can’t help but wonder, does it ever get better? In a rare moment of truthfulness, I had asked Petunia, because with the memory of that night had been fresh on my mind and I was so damn curious.
Petunia told me I need patience and time, patience to begin feeling better and time to know the difference and I think I had told her I don’t understand, that is wasn’t that simple nor easy, but I am no longer sure because I was so angry. Angry at myself, angry at her that she couldn’t make me feel better and angry at the world because no one would ever understand.
I want to cry.
Full blown tears that will hurt as much as they will help, but I can’t. I am not alone. I am with Jenna and she looks so happy, and I really don’t want to ruin that for her. I want to ask how she can feel better, changed from all those weeks ago when she told me she wasn’t okay. I think I want to know so I have real proof it gets easier but I am not sure I would believe her anyway.
“All those weeks ago when you told me you weren’t okay… what did you mean?” The question slips from my mouth but I don’t regret it I can’t because I need to know if she could ever understand.
“You really want to know?” She asks with a sigh almost as if she has been expecting this.
“Yeah,” But I am no longer sure, Jenna moves to sit on my bed, moving the clothes she has laid out for me to the side and stares at me for the longest of time. It makes me uncomfortable but I don’t look away, I can’t. I want her to know how important this is to me… I need her to know.
“I was diagnosed with depression when I was fourteen,” I feel like she is leaving something out, I want to believe everything isn't changing between us, but how could it not? I want to tell her I understand but I don’t think I do, just like I know she won’t understand what happened to me and I feel sad again. Infinitely sad and I want to cry worse than before because I am drowning, and Jenna doesn’t even notice.
Petunia told me I need patience and time, patience to begin feeling better and time to know the difference and I think I had told her I don’t understand, that is wasn’t that simple nor easy, but I am no longer sure because I was so angry. Angry at myself, angry at her that she couldn’t make me feel better and angry at the world because no one would ever understand.
I want to cry.
Full blown tears that will hurt as much as they will help, but I can’t. I am not alone. I am with Jenna and she looks so happy, and I really don’t want to ruin that for her. I want to ask how she can feel better, changed from all those weeks ago when she told me she wasn’t okay. I think I want to know so I have real proof it gets easier but I am not sure I would believe her anyway.
“All those weeks ago when you told me you weren’t okay… what did you mean?” The question slips from my mouth but I don’t regret it I can’t because I need to know if she could ever understand.
“You really want to know?” She asks with a sigh almost as if she has been expecting this.
“Yeah,” But I am no longer sure, Jenna moves to sit on my bed, moving the clothes she has laid out for me to the side and stares at me for the longest of time. It makes me uncomfortable but I don’t look away, I can’t. I want her to know how important this is to me… I need her to know.
“I was diagnosed with depression when I was fourteen,” I feel like she is leaving something out, I want to believe everything isn't changing between us, but how could it not? I want to tell her I understand but I don’t think I do, just like I know she won’t understand what happened to me and I feel sad again. Infinitely sad and I want to cry worse than before because I am drowning, and Jenna doesn’t even notice.
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The next few chapters are all set at the party Eric is throwing. This is just a quick introduction to the party.Title: The Gift by Seether