The Girl Who Cried Rape

I have been at this party now for an hour, one full hour and that seems like the longest amount of time in my life, like it is dragging on for a week. The jeans I am wearing are far too tight and digging into my waist and I really need to sit down. But I am terrified if I sit someone will slip something into my drink when I am not paying attention. So I will continue to stand and keep close guard of my drink and a careful eye on everyone who passes me as I lean against the wall, trying to disappear into the wallpaper.

I want to be confident that nothing will happen to me right now because I am so vigilant but I am still on high alert, everyone who touches me will slip something in my drink and I will be locked back in that room breaking as five different boys pull me apart at the seams. I feel foolish for thinking I could ever come here and fit in, feel normal or even happy, that I could be like these other people.

But I am not like them, not at all.

I am the girl who cried rape.

And I think they might be right, I think I may have cried rape before I knew the full story of that night, and god am I terrified I am wrong. I am terrified it, everything that happened that night was consensual, that I was just too drunk to remember agreeing.

But it still doesn’t feel right, that act being consensual doesn’t fit in my life. I was a virgin before that night, and I don’t think I ever would have let five guys paw at me and have sex with me no matter how drunk I got.

I am just so confused.

Eric left me to go get a drink fifteen minutes ago and I don’t think he is coming back. But that is okay with me, because I just really want to be alone to think about that Jenna said and if it means anything and honestly I am not sure. I want to believe she would understand what happened to me, but I know she won’t. What is wrong with her and what is wrong with me are completely different and while she might understand my sadness she will never understand my rape.

Not that I’m sure anything happened to me at this point, I don’t know what really happened that night. I know I willingly followed Seth into that room and I know I wanted to kiss him, lose my virginity to him that night but I don’t remember agreeing to be with four other guys. I do know what I fear and I know what I thought happened, maybe somewhere in the middle lies the truth, the real truth.

I glance, sipping at my drink, across the room and take in the familiar faces of students from Eric and my school. I relax a little bit because I haven’t seen Seth or Tamara here yet, Eric told me he hadn’t invited them but an invitation never stopped them from attending before. If they show up I will have to leave, I cannot face them after what I remembered, at least not yet.

“Hey sexy,” Eric slurs when he reaches me leaning against the wall next to me. He is drunk I realise instantly, he puts a heavy arm around my shoulder and I want to shrug him off, get away from him, but I can’t because this is his party and I am sort of his girl.

“Hey,” I sip from my drink staring into the dark liquid, pulling it tight against my chest, and though it has not left my side this entire party I am still cautious to finish it, I want to see if I feel funny like I did that night all those months ago. I am not sure if I could even accept a drink from Eric, I really want to trust him but I just… can’t, not after what happened that night, or rather what might have happened that night.

God I am so confused.

“Gina just threw up on the carpet my parents are totally gonna kill me, I promised them this would be a small ‘get together’ but what they don’t know won’t kill them,” He smiles at me with too much teeth and I realise from past attempts what he is trying to do, he is trying to make me laugh.

But I just can’t.

And I hate that, I really do, and I want to try so I flash him a smile, it is not genuine, but he is so adorable for trying to make me feel better, even if it doesn’t work. Yet at the same time I hate him for even trying because I am not the kind of girl who laughs, and if that is what he wants maybe he should go looking somewhere else. But I don’t want him to leave, I want him here, all of him, every piece and that scares me, terrifies me more than anything I have ever felt before.

I sip my drink so I don’t have to continue to fake a smile and scan the crowd. It is as I am scanning the thick crowd so I see the familiar faces that make me sick to my stomach, I cough and sputter my drink all over myself. Tamara and Seth are here, Eric promised they wouldn’t show up and I feel sick because Seth is here. I feel sick to my stomach but I also feel something else, something more, a memory maybe, it is fuzzy and clawing at my vision, desperate to be relived.

But I refuse, I don’t want to remember anymore.

I just want to forget.