The Girl Who Cried Rape

Everything is quiet and for once beautiful. I can breathe again and it is the most magical feeling in the entire world, I wouldn’t trade it for anything, the light takes over the darkness squashing my soul and everything is beautiful.

Suddenly darkness seeps into my vision and the light is replaced by heavy black, something is wrong I can feel it like a shock to the chest. No there is a shock to my chest, I want to frown but I can’t move my face and I am starting to feel terrified because this is not right, none of this is right.
I feel another shock to my chest, “She’s coding” Someone speaks in the distance scaring me further. This is definitely not right, I feel my body convulse and suddenly there is noise and light and I am blinking, this is not death and I am so disappointed.

*

My eyelids are heavy with cement and sleep, I try to open them but it is a struggle and for a moment I don’t want to struggle I want to stay asleep forever so I keep them closed. When noise filters in through my left ear I flutter them open struggling the entire time.

A bright light in a small four cornered room stares back at me and my heart leaps into my throat because this isn’t my house, this isn’t my room and I am starting to panic. Nothing is familiar as I take in my surroundings, I look down at the hospital sheets sitting on top of me and realise slowly where I am, the linoleum floor stares back at me and I know now where I am and I realise I have failed.

I am in the hospital.

I want to get up and out of this bed but I am so tired, I think they have drugged me and I am so disappointed that I failed. I look to my right and jump when I see a woman in a nurse’s uniform staring at me from behind a magazine sitting in a chair in the corner.

“Oh you are away” She speaks startling me further walking over to check on me, my eyes follow her sore from the effort.

“Where are my parents?” I croak not realising until this moment just how dry and sore my throat is, the nurse who looks to be in her mid to late forties pours me a glass of water before bothering to answer.

“They will be back in a minute” I take the glass from her and greedily gulp down water my stomach turning at the thought of water, my last memory being the bath I drew for myself and hoping in fully clothed. I feel disappointed that my parents aren’t here, I tried to kill myself and they left me alone? I can’t help but voice my sadness at their disappearance.

“They left?”

“They went to get some foot, they’ve been here the whole time” I feel myself let out a breath I wasn’t aware I was holding as her words hit me and for a minute I feel okay despite the past twenty-four hours I feel alright.

I chew on my lip as I think of my parents, they must have found me I can just imagine the pain my mother must have felt, I really didn’t want to hurt them I just couldn’t take it any longer, it hurt too fucking much.

“What happened?” I ask a tear slipping from my eye because I know exactly what happened I just want to know what happened after I fell into sleep and for a moment maybe even the sweet release of death. I want to wipe the tear away but my arm won’t move, I am just so tired.

“You overdosed on medication… accidentally” She adds the last word with a suspicious look at me like she doesn’t for a moment believe it. I stare at her daring her to speak her doubt to cast me as suicidal but she simply looks away and it hurts so much.

“Accidentally?”

“That’s what your parents said… was it not an accident?” I turn away from the nurse and stare out the window for a moment a voice infiltrating my thoughts,

“It was wasn’t it?” My mother asks from the doorway looking like she hasn’t slept in days, she is biting at her nail polish her hair pushed away from her pretty face in a messy bun hair spilling out from the top.

She is wearing no make-up and sighs deeply when she sees me like she has been holding her breath till this very moment, the one where I wake up and this is all explained away as an accident.
I don’t know if she is doing this intentionally, explaining everything away but she is doing it nonetheless like she isn’t ready to face the truth, I stare at her wondering what she is thinking before realising everyone is waiting for me to respond.

“Accidentally” I echo the nurse from a moment earlier not bothering to confirm nor deny my suicide attempt. I just want to go to sleep.

I am released from the hospital two days later after a full psych evaluation where I lie through my teeth my mother sitting next to me holding my hand the entire time. I don’t know what I might have said if I were alone but I suppose now we will never know and that makes me feel uncomfortable because I am terrified I would have told them the truth, told them everything that happened to me over the summer break and the days leading up to it.

When I arrive home with my mother a step behind, my dad wraps me in a tight hug and sniffs my hair as if remembering me for the last time it makes my head and my heart hurt. My mother is running on fumes at this point still not having slept a wink to keep a watchful eye on me, I am not sure what she believes but I know her accident theory is quickly thinning before her eyes.

“It is lucky your mother forgot her phone” My dad tells me pulling away from our hug and looking down at me, I squirm away from him not wanting for a second to talk about this, any of it.

“What were you thinking Ryan taking all those pills?” My mother whispers staring at me behind startled eyes as if seeing me for the first time. I wonder how terrible I look and quickly finger comb my hair, nothing can be done for my face but fixing my hair makes me feel infinitely better.

“I… I don’t” I mutter back not sure what she wants the truth or a lie, I opt for the in-between.

“God Ryan you could have died; do you realise that?” She asks her voice rising with each word, I have never really seen my mother mad, it has always been my dad’s job to get upset and punish me for whatever I have done wrong and I realise I have scared her, like really scared her and I feel terrible. Next time it won’t be a scare; next time I won’t hurt them like this. And I know without a doubt there will be a next time because if nothing more I want to simply not exist.

“Andrea!” My father scolds stepping forward to hold me again and shield me from my mother’s angry words, I step away from him, “Now Ryan your mother and I think that maybe you should see a psychiatrist, just to make sure everything is okay” My mother is breathing really heavily like she is out of breath and I don’t understand, if they think this was a silly accident why do I need to see a shrink?

I am not allowed out of my parent’s sight for the remainder of the night but they do give me back my phone. Once my father is in the kitchen cooking dinner and my mother passed out from exhaustion I bother to check it reading text after text from a freaking out Eric I feel bad for making him worry and for some inexplicable reason I dial his number, waiting for someone to pick up.

“Are you okay Hayley?” Eric breathes into the phone all the words a jumble of regret and sadness, my heart hurts more and more with each word,

“No” I mutter remembering it was him leaving me that pushed me over the edge, seeing one more person desert me had solidified my plans and thoughts of self-hatred.

“What did you do Hayley?” Eric asks softly as if for the first time realising his part in my plans. I want to reach through the phone and hug him because I know the kind of pain he is feeling and it is something I would not wish on my worst enemy.

My shrink is a forty-year-old woman with a kind smile and dark scraggly hair, despite her warm attitude I am cold and distant. I do not want to be here and I really don’t want to talk about what happened, “You told the psychiatrist at the hospital it was an accident?”

“My mother did” I correct my shrink whose name is Debra nods her head knowingly and makes some notes on her paper, I strain to make them out but fail.

“So was it?”

“What?”

“An Accident?” I am so tired and all I want is to go home and sleep, I am too tired to answer any more questions so I pull my legs to my chest and stare at the clock watching the seconds tick down before I answer,

“I don’t know” I whisper too tired to continue; I just really need to sleep.