The Girl Who Cried Rape

I think that we adjust to sadness, like how our eyes adjust to the darkness our minds adjust to sadness. We become sort of addicted to our sadness in a way, simply because it is constant and ours, it is something that no one else can feel.

Our thoughts adjust to their dark nature, our hearts adjust to their dull beats and our souls adjust to mind numbing emptiness. We become comforted by the familiar feeling of sadness, because sometimes that is all we have left.

At least, that is how it is for me. I am terrified to feel true happiness because happiness is not familiar, it has been stolen from me and I am scared to trust it, scared that my sadness has eaten away all the good inside of me.
I am nothing but sadness.

I am addicted to my own demons and I think I am drowning in sadness and I don’t remember how to swim. It is terrifying yet comforting, like being wrapped in a warm cocoon of the familiar. Yet I cannot work out how these two opposing feelings exist within me at the same time.

With sadness comes loneliness, which is equally addicting. I like to be alone and I know why, because when I am alone no one can hurt me but myself, and self-inflicted pain is what I exist on. My addiction to loneliness is what drives me, desperate to be different, for them.

For my friends.

I am about to ask my parents about Friday night, I have had plenty of options other than leaving it till the last minute, but I have. Maybe because if I leave it to the last minute my mother will get annoyed with the short notice and tell me no.

“Mum?” I ask sitting down to dinner, my mother has made roast chicken, my dad’s favourite, and his is smiling like he has won something amazing, I realise belatedly that amazing thing he won is my mother. It makes me feel sad that I will never experience that level of joy and proudness.

I pick at a pea with my fork, eating around my meal without really eating it, it is a trick I have perfected over the summer holidays, it is not that I am starving myself or anything it is just that after my attack I have not felt hungry,

“Can I go out with friends tonight?”

“Oh” My mother says choking in surprise, it has been such a long time since I asked to go out. I think she is shocked, it hurts but I can’t blame her.

It is a shock I suppose.

“Who are these friends? Tamara?” She asks hopefully, my mother doesn’t understand what changed between me and Tamara she just knows she no longer comes around every day and I stopped talking about her. She has pressured me to tell her but I say we just have different interests these days.

Yeah different interests alright, she loves Seth and hates me.

“Jenna and out neighbour Eric” It feels odd referring to Jenna and Eric as my friends but after all they did for me this past week when my clothes were left in the shower I know they are my friends.

“Is it a date?” My mother asks hopefully,

I used to date socially every now and then but could never find a boy that kept my interests for more than a month or so. Now is no different, no boy interests me at all, but not because I get bored but rather because I am terrified of boys and sex after my virginity was stolen from me so heinously.
“No,”

“Would you tell us if it was?” My mother asks her mood skyrocketing,

No.

“Yes,” I lie through my teeth wishing she would drop it already. I still feel bad lying to my parents but it is for their protection as much as it is for mine. I know theoretically I should be able to tell my parents what happened to me but I am terrified they won’t believe me. I love them so much and their doubt would surely kill me.

“Of course you can go, it is so nice to see you going back out. I gather therapy is going well?”

“Yes,” Another bold faced lie.

“You like Petunia?” She asks leaning forward as if my answer means something more than it does, I stare at my potatoes and cough out another lie,

“Yes, sorry mum I need to get ready,”

“Of course” She says with a happy little smile sipping at her nightly glass of wine, imported stuff, that I always thought tasted like cat piss, but then what do I know about wine? I always got drunk on premix drinks at parties that tasted fruity. It was a spiked beer that led me to my demise.

Once in my bedroom I roll my shoulders back and stare into my closet, I finger a few pretty dresses I haven’t worn in a while but decide against them, they are too showy for my now. I used to dress quite fashionable now I wear heavy boots and black clothes, hoping to disappear.

I glance out my window trying to appear casual and smile as I see Eric at his desk his back to me. I pick up my phone and send a text for the sake of talking to him,

What are you wearing tonight?

I sit on the floor and watch Eric fumble to find his phone; it putts a genuine smile on my face for the first time today. Maybe tonight won’t be so bad, and then I remember Jenna is coming and will surely flirt with Eric leaving me feeling off.

Eric pulls off his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose in the most endearing way. I notice how his mouth flicks into a smile as he stares down at my text. I wonder if Jenna has also texted him and feel silly for sending him such a ridiculous text message. He turns to look out his window spotting me and smiling, I stare back stone mouthed wondering why my heart is beating faster suddenly.

Shouldn’t you ask Jenna?

We don’t really dress the same,

I noticed. I’m wearing jeans and a hoodie I suppose.

Even your texts sound smart.

I send back teasing the boy genius, that is what he is saved in my phone as, boy genius. He doesn’t know this of course, and I hope more than anything he wouldn’t be offended by this if he did. It is meant as a compliment, I promise.

What are you wearing?”

I glance back to my closet and shrug off this feeling of uneasiness like something is changing between Eric and I, something I can’t stop. Something important. We are just exchanging a few harmless text messages so why do I feel so… strange? I shake away the feeling and reply,

The same I guess.

I glance back out the window and stare at Eric, he is a mirror image of me, with his legs crossed his phone in his hand and a small smile on his lips, his eyes glued to something just outside his window.

I should get ready.

I send back, a stupid part of me does not want to stop talking to Eric, and I can’t seem to understand it. I think it is the residual pieces of the old Ryan breaking through. I don’t particularly enjoy it, it makes me anxious and on edge.

“Do you have money?” My mother asks before I escape the house, I glance at my mother, she is at least a foot taller than me in her heels, I used to play dress up as a child and steal all her pretty shoes. I no longer wear heels, not since that night at least. I can’t help but realise just how much of myself has changed.
“Yes,”

“Ryan,” My mother says pausing, “I’m so proud of you” She whispers pulling me into a lingering hug that hurts my head and my heart.

I never thought keeping the truth from my parents would hurt them but I think I have. It hurts more than I can begin to understand. “Here,” She says fixing a strand of wayward hair for me, making my heart jump at her tender touch. I want so badly to stay home and tell her the truth but at the last second I chicken out, pretending I need to go and disappearing out the door.

I walk to Eric’s door fighting back tears and finger combing my hair, pulling it into a ponytail, I ring the doorbell and Eric answers a second later. I realise I have left some hair out of my ponytail and shake out my hair beginning to tie it up again.

Eric is wearing jeans and a hoodie as promised, I smile when I see him, “Hi,”

“Hey,” I squeak pushing my hair back into position again,

“Don’t,” Eric says reaching for my arm, I pull away and hope he doesn’t notice my adverse reaction to his touch, it is not him I swear it is… well everything else. “I like your hair down,” He tells me with a small meaningful smile, I squirm and stare blankly at him.

“I’m here” Jenna says from behind me, I wonder how much she has seen and hope she doesn’t get the wrong idea. I am not interested in Eric, not even a little bit. Her purple hair blows out around her, she looks more beautiful than I ever could.

I step aside as Eric greets her with the same smile I thought he reserved for me, I prickle the littlest bit, annoyed. I don’t want to be here on their date yet here I am stuck listening to them flirt. Jenna pulls Eric into a lingering hug that lasts ten seconds to long to be friendly, before pulling me in for a much shorter version.

“Thank you so much Ry,” She whispers in my ear, I blink at her use of a nickname. My name does not make up a lot of nicknames so I am reminded of everyone who used to call me that. I want to tell her to call me Ryan but I don’t know how to without sounding rude. So I keep my mouth shut and fight off the headache seeping into my brain.

“Eric?” A voice calls belonging to Eric’s short mother, who appears around the kitchen dressed in slacks and a pressed shirt with pearls and kitten heels to accessorise. “Oh,” She says her smile faltering the tiniest bit when she sees me, if I wasn’t paying so much attention to my surroundings I might have missed it, but I didn’t and I know what it means.

“Can I speak to you for a moment,” Eric follows his mother until they are out of hearing rage, they glance at me between words and I know she knows, she has heard the awful rumours and she doesn’t want me ruining her baby boy.

“Whose car are we taking?” Jenna asks popping a piece of purple gum in her mouth, Eric returns and I can tell his smile is forced.
“Mine,” Eric says with a smile re-joining Jenna and I. Jenna walks ahead of us to Eric’s car, I hang back and turn to Eric,
“Your mother doesn’t like me does she?”

“It’s not like that,” He promises but I know that he is lying,
“She knows doesn’t she?”

“Yeah Ryan, everyone knows”

“How much do you know?” I ask now suddenly desperate,
“More than I want to.” He replies coldly, like I am somehow responsible for this. He moves away from me and to the driver’s side of the car.

I frown after him scared at what he knows, scared that I might lose him as a friend. I wonder briefly is he believes the lies they spread about me, as I am reminded of his words a few days earlier. I’ve never seen someone so completely destroyed after sex.
After sex.

Because that is what it was to him, it was sex. It was forced, I wasn’t fighting for consciousness, I wasn’t raped.

I just had drunken sex.

Half an hour later I stand sandwiched between Jenna and Eric as we line up for tickets. I can smell Eric’s aftershave and it is making me uncomfortable. It reminds me of the scent burnt into my nostrils from that night.

“What do you want to see?” He asks looking down at me, I glance at Jenna as she frowns at her phone and mouths ‘one second’. I watch her walk off and see her answer a phone call on her phone. I wonder what is going on before turning back to Eric.

“They are playing my favourite movie” I say staring at the title. Our town has exactly one movie theatre that plays old and new movies. I used to come here all the time with Tamara and Seth, but not once since my attack.

“Which one is that?”

“The crow,” I reply a little stunned at the warmness in Eric’s voice after his cold harsh tone earlier in the night.

I had first watched the Crow a month after my attack. It had seemed like a fairy tale to me. A boy avenges his lovers rape and murder as well as his own murder. I had watched it and cried tears I didn’t realise I needed desperately to cry. I realised after watching the movie that I was desperate for someone to love and protect me, save me from the lies and accusations. I realised I am not strong enough to do it on my own.

“I’ve never seen it,” Eric tells me staring down at me, Eric is nearly six foot and I am a measly five foot two, the height difference is staggering between us.

“I’m so sorry you guys” Jenna says in a rush, she has a look of pure stress on her face, one I have never seen on her angelic features before. I watch as her lips form the words I am dreading, “I have to go. I have a family emergency.”

“Do you need a lift?” Eric asks,

Jenna shakes her head but looks grateful for the offer, “No thanks, my sister is coming to pick me up.” Jenna rushes off without another word.

I stare after her wondering what happens now, we are next in line. I want to leave, I don’t want to be here alone with Eric, it feels too much like a date just the two of us, but I don’t know how to tell him what I am thinking, so I stay standing in line my knees slowly buckling.

“What candy do you want?”

“I don’t really like candy” I tell him glancing at the candy counter, “My mother has been on a no sugar diet for years so we don’t really get candy in my house. I think I was thirteen when I last had sugar at home.” I do not know why I am telling Eric this, it just spills from my mouth, it feels good to tell Eric something about me, something real.

“You have to have a favourite candy it is like law of the universe”
I give Eric a smile, “There is one candy I really like, but they don’t have it here. Jellybeans but only the pink ones” Eric nods, we are now at the candy desk where we also buy our tickets. Eric orders two tickets and I try to pay for mine but Eric pushes my money away. I don’t not like it, it makes me feel uncomfortable like we are on a date and I somehow owe him.

We order a large popcorn and two large sodas, I drink mine quickly the thick air surrounding me making my throat dry and scratchy. I find Eric and myself two seats in the back away from most of the theatre patrons.

The cinema is playing music while people flow in and out. I used to choose the boys I liked on the basis of their music tastes before my incident. I am not sure why but I am curious about Eric’s music taste and I don’t know if his answer will mean anything to me but I need to know,

“What’s your favourite song?”

“Anything really”

“Do you like punk music?” I ask, punk being my favourite genre, it is so angry and unapologetic, I wish I were the same, but I am not. I am sad and lonely.

“Never really listened to it,”

“You must” I say leaning forward in my seat and closer to Eric, “It’s so amazing… It’s so real” I say glancing at the popcorn in Eric’s lap then back to him realising suddenly how close I am sitting to him. I shift backwards in my seat my face flowing red.

“For you I will. Next study session I will teach you maths and you can teach me punk,”

“You don’t teach punk” I tell Eric with a laugh, “It’s not something learnt, it’s something felt.”

“Movie is starting Confucius,” Eric says laughing. I grab some popcorn and smile to myself I do not remember the last time I had fun, real fun, relaxed fun. It was so long ago and the memory is so blurry, and for some reason I do not want to relieve it, I am enjoying my time with Eric too much to remember the past.
My past.

I realise belatedly that I am more interested in Eric’s reaction to the move than the actual movie, and it makes me feel odd, like I am missing a chunk of the story. It irritates me to no end.