My Personal Journal
Journal 1
May 12, 2013
I made this journal because I needed to get my feelings out in some kind of way. I've made journals before, but I've never really stuck to them. I've tried going to therapy, but I didn't like it. I think it was just the therapist. I didn't feel comfortable talking to him for some reason. Today is Mother's Day and I'm sitting alone in my house with my cats. My Mom had to work and we're going out to eat when she gets off. Because we're going out to eat I can't let myself eat today because I don't know how much I'm going to eat. Even though I'm fat like 200 something pounds I hate eating. It scares me. I lost weight and I'm trying to continue losing weight and I don't want to gain back the weight that I lost.
Its so weird. Its supposed to be a day of happiness kind of and I feel like shit. I've been feeling like this a lot lately. I feel lonely. Yesterday I felt really crappy because I could see how much fun my friends were having because they were posting things on twitter, but they didn't ask me to come over. They didn't even text me at all yesterday. I hate my friends. I have a feeling that they hate me too. I'm bothersome to them. We have nothing in common and I'm sad most of the time. I want to be happy, but I don't know how. I don't know if I will ever be happy I've forgotten what it feels like to be happy 100% of the time.
I don't know what makes me feel this way sometimes. I feel nothing. I want to cry, but I won't let myself. I want to cut, but my mom took away my razor blades. I'm trying not to cut. I haven't cut sense October and I want to relapse so bad, but I'm scared. I miss the feel of it. The fact that it made me feel something was overwhelming. I crave a razor blade right now. I know I would dissapoint some people if I cut right now, but I don't care. I had a dream last night that I killed myself and I was finally happy. Those dreams are scary too. I don't want to be here anymore, but I don't have the guts to actually go through with it. I'm also holding on to the hope that one day I'll leave this place. I'll leave everyone else behind and I'll meet people I have things in common with. I'll meet people who understand.
I made this journal because I needed to get my feelings out in some kind of way. I've made journals before, but I've never really stuck to them. I've tried going to therapy, but I didn't like it. I think it was just the therapist. I didn't feel comfortable talking to him for some reason. Today is Mother's Day and I'm sitting alone in my house with my cats. My Mom had to work and we're going out to eat when she gets off. Because we're going out to eat I can't let myself eat today because I don't know how much I'm going to eat. Even though I'm fat like 200 something pounds I hate eating. It scares me. I lost weight and I'm trying to continue losing weight and I don't want to gain back the weight that I lost.
Its so weird. Its supposed to be a day of happiness kind of and I feel like shit. I've been feeling like this a lot lately. I feel lonely. Yesterday I felt really crappy because I could see how much fun my friends were having because they were posting things on twitter, but they didn't ask me to come over. They didn't even text me at all yesterday. I hate my friends. I have a feeling that they hate me too. I'm bothersome to them. We have nothing in common and I'm sad most of the time. I want to be happy, but I don't know how. I don't know if I will ever be happy I've forgotten what it feels like to be happy 100% of the time.
I don't know what makes me feel this way sometimes. I feel nothing. I want to cry, but I won't let myself. I want to cut, but my mom took away my razor blades. I'm trying not to cut. I haven't cut sense October and I want to relapse so bad, but I'm scared. I miss the feel of it. The fact that it made me feel something was overwhelming. I crave a razor blade right now. I know I would dissapoint some people if I cut right now, but I don't care. I had a dream last night that I killed myself and I was finally happy. Those dreams are scary too. I don't want to be here anymore, but I don't have the guts to actually go through with it. I'm also holding on to the hope that one day I'll leave this place. I'll leave everyone else behind and I'll meet people I have things in common with. I'll meet people who understand.