The Problem With Forever

When I was a little girl, I thought I would be a princess by the magical age of eighteen. I thought that the moment I turned the golden age some handsome prince who was tall and had wavy brown hair would come to my door and whisk me away in his horse-drawn carriage and take me to his castle. I thought I would have this big white wedding where I would wear a beautiful princess dress and all of the other Disney princesses would be my bridesmaids. It would be a wonderful ceremony, and shortly after it, I would start my reign as the most loved Queen of all the land. But the worst part about this whole princess scenerio is that I actually truly believed it would happen.

Of course, as I got older and got into my teenage years, I quickly realized that the whole finding your one true love and Prince Charming soul mate was as easy as climbing Mount Everest. And I think somewhere between my mother's passing and my first broken heart I finally gave up on finding that happiness. I realized that all good things, even if they do happen, will end. Life, love, it really didn't matter what it was; it was guarenteed to end at some point.


"You have twenty three unheard messages. First unheard message: Dan, call me back, please. I just want to make sure you're okay.. Second unheard message:Danny, sweetheart, it's your mother. Are you okay, honey? Call me back okay? I love you! Third unheard message: Hey mate, how are you holdin up? Josh is worried you're not answering. Um, just call one of us back, yeah? Fourth unheard message: Hey Dan, uh, it's Maria, I just wanted to see if you were going to come over and look at her stuff with me and George. Um, just call me back. Fifth unheard mess-" In one swift movement, the phone was lying on the floor beside the wall, shattered as he stared at it hopelessly. He couldn't take anymore. It was only the fourth message and they were all the same. They all spoke the same; they all asked virutally the same things; they all wanted to know the same answers. He couldn't bare it anymore.

Dan dragged himself out of his bed and blindly made his way out into the rest of his house. The house was quiet and eery as he walked slowly down the hallway towards the stairs. It didn't help that the lateness of the night was haunting him and so it seemed, the house. Grabbing onto the railing he cautiously walked down the steps, into his living room.

The moment Dan reached the level floor, he couldn't move. Everything was the same. Just as she left it, and he couldn't take it. He could feel the panic overtake him as he frantically looked around. He could feel himself fall apart in just one simple moment. He tried to slow down his breathing but everywhere he looked he saw her. She was everything: the couch, the floor, the damn flowers by the door, the rug, the candles, even the air. It was too much.

Without hesitaion, Dan reached for the door knob and twisted it open, limping out of the dark house onto his front yard. He made his way down the walkway, past the driveway and into the street, just standing there, staring at the illuminating street lamp.

The more he stared, the more he began to hope it would go out. He wished it would just burn out and then a car would come. And that car wouldn't see him. And that car would just hit him. And he would just die. And he wouldn't have to go back inside that haunting house. And he wouldn't have to face the sunlight. And he wouldn't have to face being alone. He just needed that light to go out. He had to get that light to go out.

Dan reached for a rock on the side of the road, glancing at it before throwing it up at the light. It did nothing but clink against the glass and fall back down. He didn't know why but he was enraged. He just wanted thtat rock to break that damn light. Walking over towards the rock again, he picked it up and chucked it back against the street light. Clink, was all Dan could hear.

But he couldn't stop. He just kept picking up the same rock over and over again, throwing it over and over again- a vicious cycle with the wrong ending. He could feel the tears and the anger and the hurt coursing through his body every time the rock left his hand. How could a rock not end the life of a light, but an illness could end the life of another? It wasn't fair. It was not fair and he couldn't take it.

He tossed the rock up again, this time it missing the light entirely and hitting the window of a car. The alarm went off and the only thing Dan could think was to run.

And so he did. He ran, and he ran, and he ran. He ran faster then he thought the could. He ran so hard he couldn't even feel his body moving. He ran so quickly he couldn't even think about the tears falling down his face. He just ran. No thoughts, no nothing. Just running.

But just as fast as he took off, he stopped. He looked behind him, realizing he was about half a mile away from his home and still in the middle of the road. He was out of breath and out of energy. Dan felt more hopeless than he had in a very long time. Collapsing on the empty street, he looked up at the stars, wondering if she could see him now. Was she watching her? Was he laughing at how pathetic he was being? Was she marveling at the fact that he could run so fast? What was she doing? Who was she with? The countless questions raced through his brain and before he could think about it, he was puking on the side of the road. Crying, and puking in the middle of the night, is what he amounted to. And you know why? Because he was alone and hopeless because someone, somewhere took her away from him and left him with nothing. Absolutely nothing.