Don't Fall Back

"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you." -Unknown

Mia was awakened by the sound of Rihanna's "Stay" ringtone which was much louder than she'd hoped for at 9:14 in the morning. Waking up this early on a Saturday was not her favourite thing to do. She looked at the caller ID and quickly put it to her ear.

"Hello?" Lana said.

"Hey," she smiled.

"Did I wake you up?"

"Mm, yeah, but it's okay," Mia yawned. "How are you?"

"I'm good, how've you been?"

"Not bad," she sighed.

"Did you finish unpacking in the apartment?" Lana asked.

"Yeah, everything's in place now." she replied. "I've missed hearing your voice."

"Me too girl," she said sadly. "I just hope you're settled in and happy over there. Have you searched for a job?"

Mia rubbed her tired eyes. "No, not yet.."

"You have to. Randy said he'd recommend you, remember?" she advised.

"Yeah.."

There was a long pause. "Listen, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

"What is it?" Mia laid on her left side.

"Um..Tyler's been begging me for a week now.." she began. "He.. Colton wants to write to you. He wants me to give him your address, and, I said no but suggested he just writes the letters and gives them to me so that I could put the address down and mail them myself so he doesn't know. I thought I'd ask you.. If you're okay with that."

She closed her eyes. Her empty stomach churned in pain. That same uninvited sick feeling returned after hearing his name. She wondered how he even had the nerve to try and get her back by writing. As if writing letters could convince her to change her mind and run back to him.

"..I don't know why I'm even doing this. I know you despise him right now.." Lana said. "It's just that he's been very.. How do I say.."

"Very what?" she finally spoke, trying not to sound as concerned as she was.

"He's just been drinking. A lot. By himself. He was over at Tyler and Phil's place two days ago, and he hasn't been taking care of himself at all." she stated. "I'm angry at him, Mia. I always will be. But his health right now comes first. Especially since the home opener is tonight."

"And writing a letter will magically fix that?" she replied.

"I guess he just needs to release some steam. Or say things he needs to say but didn't get the chance to do." Lana answered.

Mia sighed and rubbed her aching forehead. "Fine."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she swallowed. "But I swear to god if he comes all the way over here I will rip his balls off."

"I will make sure he doesn't know where you are," Lana assured calmly.

"Okay," she bit her bottom lip.

"I'll call you some other time, alright?"

"Okay,"

"Bye," Lana said with a soft tone.

"Bye." she hung up the phone and tossed it on the bedside table, wondering what he had to say and why he bothered to say it.

One hundred fifty nine kilometers away, Lana decided to drive up to Colton's house and tell him herself. She despised him ever since he cheated on her best friend. But if anyone was going to explain the rules of this deal, it would be her rather than Tyler. So, she rang his doorbell twice.

Colton opened the door and squinted his eyes at the bright light that came in. His beard was itchy, his hair messy, and his T-shirt stained. He was only wearing a pair of boxers which made Lana shake her head.

"Good morning," he said blankly.

"I'm gonna tell you this once, and only once," she raised her finger. "You will write the letters. You will give me the letters. I will seal the envelope and mail it to where she resides. Got it?"

He blinked three times and opened his mouth to speak. "Can I at least know where?"

"No!" she eyed him down to his chin.

"Just the city. Please." he sighed helplessly.

She looked at him and looked at him. "Write." And then she walked away to her car by the curb, and drove off.

Colton went back inside slowly. He felt..happy. For the first time in weeks, there was hope. It would be the first sort of contact he'd have with her since she left. That was enough to make him hopeful for at least a moment. He was pacing around the house, now, thinking about all the things he wanted to say.

He wrote down so many sentences, only to scribble it all out and crumple the paper.

Dear Mia,

I miss you. I want nothing more than for you to believe me. For you to come back. For you to

He scribbled another sentence out, then placed one hand on his forehead, and repeated the same sentence again with different wording. Then scribbled it. He crumpled up the ruined paper, tossing it across the room by the door.

Eventually, step by step, word by word, it came out. It poured out of him like a rain storm in Spring. He wrote most of what he'd been feeling the last two weeks she'd been gone. But there was no way he could fit everything in just one page. He narrowed it down to what needed to be said--in the first letter, at least.

Dear Mia,

I hope you've been doing well. I want you to be safe and happy wherever you are. I care more for your well-being than my own. I haven't been sleeping lately because I know you won't be there when I wake up. Although, for the first couple of days I was almost excited to be going to bed, because I thought it would mean that the nightmare would end in the morning. But I can't wake up.. But I was wrong.

Our first game of the season is today. I don't know when you'll be receiving this letter, but I wrote it on Saturday. Tonight won't be the same without you. I wish you were here. I always felt better knowing that you'd take care of me if anything were to happen on the ice. I guess at one point, I hoped I'd get hurt in a fight because it meant I'd get to see you. But you probably discovered that.

I need you. I need you here beside me. Knowing that this is all because of an idiotic mistake I made, makes me hate myself every day. I know it takes time for the heart to heal..I know. But I believe that there's a part inside of you that wants to forgive me. That knows that I never meant to hurt you..and that it's the last thing I ever wanted to do.

They say once you get so attached to someone, they become a major part of you. That's why not having you here with me kills me so much. If I can't come get you, I will wait. I will wait for you. Don't doubt that, because you know I mean it. I'm not prepared to let you go, not now, not tomorrow, not ever.

Come home.

I love you,

Colton.

Just as he finished writing it, the home phone rang. And his eyes widened at the caller ID. It was definitely one of the last people on Earth he thought he'd hear from at that very moment.

*

Just as Mia was trying to fall back asleep after Lana's phone call, the doorbell ruined it. She groaned, feeling annoyed, and got up. She rubbed her messy scalp, wearing her red pajama shorts and polka dotted tank top, she went to the door.

She peaked through the eye-hole and sighed. She opened it and looked at Janet standing there with a large Lindt chocolate bar.

"Hi," she grinned.

Mia gave her the best unimpressed look. "How was your night?"

Janet's grin faded. "I'm sorry. Jimmy and I just hit it off and I had one too many to drink. I shouldn't have left you there."

"You think?" she replied.

"I got you chocolate.." she tried to cheer her up.

"Did you pick up Ivy from your brother's place?" Mia ignored her.

"Yes, I did early this morning," she answered. "That's another reason why I'm here, actually."

"What for?"

"Well...." she began. "He wants to take me out on a date tonight."

She put one hand on her hip. "You want me to babysit?"

"Please!?" Janet pleaded. "Are you busy tonight? If you have any plans I could send her back to my brother for the night, it's just that his wife Sherry was pretty angry that I didn't pick her up after... Let's just say.. they don't think very highly of me."

I wonder why, Mia thought to herself. But she didn't have to think about whether she could do it or not. The only plans she had were watching the Leafs game in the evening on T.V, by herself. She just felt so disappointed in Janet for letting someone she barely knew take care of her infant. Mia was a mature, caring, responsible 26 year old, but, how was Janet supposed to know that after knowing her for a week?

"I'll take care of her," she finally said.

"Thank you so much!" Janet grinned happily.

"And I'll take that," she grabbed the chocolate bar. "Bye, Janet."

Mia closed the door with a small smile and then sat down on the couch. It was one of the most eventful mornings she ever had. She clicked the T.V on and flipped through channels until she landed on Teletoon morning cartoons.

The feeling of relaxation was interrupted once again. Her phone rang. The butterflies in her stomach were caused by assuming it was Lana again because of Colton--or, Colton himself, although his number had been blocked. But it was not Toronto's area code, nor was it Buffalo's.

"Mom?" Mia said after picking it up.

"Mia! Oh my darling, how are you?" Terra said in a lovingly concerned tone.

"I'm good, mom. Is everything okay?"

"Everything is alright here, but, I heard things were different with you." she responded.

She had to think about it for a moment, but she soon understood. "It's..I'm fine. Really."

"I called your house number to see how you two were doing, and if Colton was ready for the season, and then.." she paused. "He told me you two split up. He said he didn't know where you were. What happened?"

Mia bit on her bottom lip hard. She cursed under her own breath. Having to relive that day was far from her to-do list. "He, uh, cheated on me."

There was silence, followed by a shocked, "What!?"

She didn't say anything, she just stared at the hardwood floor. She didn't want to cry. She wouldn't cry. She couldn't cry.

"How did this..happen? How could he do such a thing?" her mom was still in complete shock. "Oh my gosh..we adored him.."

"Pretty faces can be deceiving," she gave a halfhearted chuckle.

"Where are you staying? Are you with Lana?"

"No, mom. I moved. I have an apartment here in Buffalo."

"What!?" she repeated. Then, there was a rumble on the line before a familiar voice spoke.

"Mia?" her father said with a stern tone.

"Hi, dad," she rubbed her forehead.

"Pack your stuff and come back to Kingston," he told her.

"What? No!" she shrieked.

"How could that bastard cheat on my princess!? I'm going to kill that son of a bitch as soon as I---"

"Tom!" Terra's voice yelled out as she took the phone away from her husband. "Oh Mia. Oh my darling."

"You and dad have nothing to worry about. I didn't want anything to do with him anymore, so that's why I left. I wanted to get away from the memories that place held. I'm fine. I didn't think he had it in him..to cheat..but I guess he proved me wrong. But I am fine. I will be great again. This is the amount of space I need." she calmly spoke.

Her mother sighed. Sobs started coming out, and Mia could hear them on the line. "Mom, don't cry. Please don't cry."

"I just don't like knowing that someone broke my baby's heart," she cried uncontrollably.

"You're breaking my heart," Mia said, holding it all in. "Hearing you cry breaks my heart. So please don't, alright? I'm not hurt. He taught me a lesson. That's the only mark he left on me."

"I miss you," her mom whispered.

"I love you." Mia closed her eyes. "I'm going to make myself some breakfast okay?"

"Okay, sweetie," she wiped her tears away. "I'm so proud of you. You're so strong. You're more brave than I ever was."

"No, mom, I got it all from you." she praised. "Bye."

Once she hung up the phone, she put her head down on the couch, pulled her knees up to her chest, and cried. She cried and cried for her aching heart all because of what the man she loved did. She still could not process what had happened in the last 2 weeks. That she was truly taken out of his life, and that he was no longer in her's.

At 7 in the evening, she found herself at Janet's place. She figured it would be better to watch the baby there, where her bed and toys and milk bottles are. So when Janet left on her date with some random man that got her drunk, she rocked Ivy in her arms until she fell asleep.

Mia had four Leafs jerseys. One, her favourite player, Mats Sundin. The second was Tomas Kaberle. The third was Phil Kessel, and, the fourth was the one and only #28. She didn't want that last name on her back at the moment. She wondered why she even brought it with her rather than just giving it to some fan.

So, she sat on Janet's couch, in her Sundin jersey, watching the home opener. She was excited, of course. But the feelings she had for the organization had completely changed over the course of three years. She had quit twice because of Colton. She didn't even know what they thought of her.

But when the medical staff's names were being announced, Mia felt empty. Like she was supposed to be there at that very moment, in front of 20 thousand fans. Like she was supposed to be standing by the bench or walking down the tunnel after the game introductions.

The second period ended with the boys in blue up 2-1 over the Montreal Canadiens. That was also when Mia heard the baby crying in the other room. She rushed in there and picked her up. Her forehead was sweating, but there were no tears streaming down her face. She just looked scared and confused. With the prettiest hazel eyes and blonde hair, she put her thumb in her mouth and grinned with her front tooth.

Mia smiled, "You're a princess."

Ivy looked at the woman holding her and then put her tiny hand on her shoulder. Mia knew there was no use in trying to put her back to sleep, for now. She was wide awake and had been sleeping all day.

She carried her to the kitchen. She warmed up some milk and poured it into the bottle, tested the warmth on her wrist, and then gave it to Ivy. She tilted her head back as Mia held it up for her.

"There you go.." she said quietly.

She spent the next half hour watching Ivy roll around on the rug with all the toys she had scattered around. She was keeping herself company and was being quiet.

Every time the camera switched over to Colton on T.V Mia could not help but feel a tug on her chest. She didn't realize how hard it would be to watch her long-time favourite team play while her ex boyfriend plays for them. When the final buzzer went off, the Leafs skated to their zone where Reimer did his glove raise celebration. They won their home opener with a score of 4-2.

After she sang to Ivy for several minutes until she fell sound asleep, Janet returned from her date. Mia yawned and let her in.

"Hey!" she cheered.

"Shh," Mia hushed, reminding her of her sleeping daughter.

"Oh, right," she closed the front door. "Thanks so much, Mia."

"Of course, anytime," she replied. "How was your date?"

"It was wonderful. He wanted to take me back to his place but I knew that wouldn't be fair to you," she gave her a hug. "You know, we met just a week ago but you're probably the best friend I've had in the last thirty years."

Mia felt a little bit surprised, but it was very thoughtful of her to come home knowing that she was babysitting. Mia smiled at her and grabbed her purse from nearby. "I should get going now. We'll chat tomorrow."

"Alright, goodnight." she smiled, with light wrinkles by her hazel eyes.

"G'night."

Two days later, on a chilly Monday morning, Mia went down to the lobby. She checked to see if she had any mail and then brought the several papers with her. She pressed the number 4 on the elevator and flipped through her mail as it went up.

The first two were from Pizza 73 and another coupon sheet from KFC. Another that caught her eye was an envelope with a see-through slide that was sent from Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment. She assumed it was a letter from the staff thanking her for her time and such, after she'd messaged Jordan her address and information.

Mia paused at the sealed white envelope after it. Her eyes scanned the sender's info over and over again. It was from Colton. Her head suddenly felt light. She almost missed getting off the elevator when the doors opened.

She dropped on the couch and slowly ripped open the envelope. She opened up the three times folded letter, and began reading. She read every word and through the lines of every scribbled word. By the time she was finished, she was on her back on the couch, processing everything. She found herself crying once again. The "I will wait for you" and the "I love you" that found their way to her heart.