Struggles Of Life

I look in the mirror. The face looking back at me is unrecognisable. It’s a ghostly white, with big black bags under the eyes. The cheek bones stick out and the once bright blue eyes that held a spark are now a dull grey blue and can't focus on anything. The once vibrant bright red curls are limp, hanging loosely round the face, no longer bright, instead a dull red with re-growth showing.

That girl in the mirror is me.

I used to be a happy, sporty, teenager. I made smart decisions and lived my life to its fullest.
A lot can change in a small amount of time.

Six years. Six years is a long time. I have battled depression, anxiety and a social phobia for the last six years. I got through it. I battled my way through what I thought would be the toughest years of my life. Oh how wrong I was.

During those six years I had the life sucked out of me, I struggled with day to day activities. Study was incredibly hard and I had little energy for it, but it had to be done. I hated disappointing people, and low grades would've done that immediately. I quit sports; I talked less and less slowly becoming a person in the background. Medications after medications didn’t work, unsuccessful suicide attempts, hospital admissions, hours and hours of therapy and yet I still struggled. Over time I began to hide them bit by bit. Five years into my battle I got put onto a new medication. Several months later I noticed things changing. I began to hurt. I was no longer emotionally numb as I had become used to. I started having mood swings; I could be angry, excited or sad. It was like getting on a roller coaster. I had to learn how to deal with these emotions all over again. It frustrated me greatly, but it showed I was on the road to recovery, finally. On my eighteenth birthday I was allowed off my medication. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I had a purpose, I felt strong, and was at peace with myself, and my decisions.

I should probably say that during the last year and a half prior to my eighteenth birthday, I had made the decision to leave high school a year early, and enrol in polytech to further my education. I studied hospitality, and I really enjoyed it. I was good at it and I was away from all the drama from high school. I truly believed that helped my recovery. I also starting dating. My first boyfriend lasted over a year. We started as old friends and over time it evolved into a relationship. I should say it wasn’t the best relationship. Even though we lived in the same town, I saw him once a week on a Thursday. We didn’t text often as neither of us were big texters. I had school, and he worked full time as an apprentice butcher. His week nights and weekends were dedicated to his racing car. While I was at school, it suited me just fine. I liked the way our relationship was, despite it not being the most ‘normal’. My friends couldn’t understand how I could put up with it, but it suited us both at that point in time. However I moved an hour away to study at polytech after I left school. It lasted six more months. I had to make all the effort, he came to see me once in those six months and he didn’t want to call or Skype since we didn’t like to text, and I hardly ever saw him. I wasn’t happy so we ended it a couple of months after I turned eighteen. I think we were better off as friends.

Skip forwards a year to the present.

This girl in the mirror is me. I feel as shit as I look. I feel like I haven’t slept in days, (when that’s all I've been doing), there is little motivation to move and I don’t have the energy to accomplish anything. Turning to look at my wall planner, I see everything that needs to be done. A half written assignment stares at me from my desk. I don’t even want to think about the two underneath it that I haven’t started yet. The next month is full on; I have five assignments due and have two exams for my papers. I have to do well.

I feel like I'm drowning. Each day it gets harder and harder. The light at the end of the tunnel is fading. The worst part is it’s only me. It’s an inner turmoil that no one else knows about. I feel disappointed in myself. I have everything to be thankful and happy for.

For example I'm studying business this year. It’s a tad more boring and the work load is a lot bigger than when I studied hospitality but I push myself to do well, and have been pleased with my results so far. I have been going to the gym at least twice a week since the start of the polytech year. I'm looking better than ever and my confidence has risen as a result.

I met a lovely guy over new years. We took things day by day and built a friendship before entering a relationship. It’s been official for three months and I've never been happier. He makes me smile, forget my problems and accepts me for who I am. We share a lot of interests which fills in time nicely. The only problem is he lives in my hometown, which is an hour and a half away from me. I worried what if he is like my ex? He showed me from the start that he wasn’t. Thoughtful wee texts brightened my mornings, he visits often, gets along with my friends and family, which is so important to me, but most of all, he doesn’t care about my past, and he treats me far too well and makes me incredibly happy. The phone conversations are the highlights of my week, and when we are together I feel content.

So why do I feel myself slipping? Why am I so happy, yet so sad? I feel like reality is falling through my finger tips and I can't stop it.

They told me it would be a lifelong battle. I just didn’t expect it to get its hooks in me again so soon. I'm on top of the world and it doesn’t like that. It lurks in the shadows and waits until it can pull me back into the dark.

I'm fighting it. I exercise, eat healthy and surround myself with good positive people, but I'm losing.
I don’t want to go back to how I was previously. I don’t want to feel like that.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s easier to end it all, but really what does it achieve? I have hope, dreams, and goals to live through.

I won’t let it beat me. I may be lifeless now but my hope lives on. I will beat this. Maybe not overnight, in a month or even a year. But I will not give in. This is my life and I want to make the most of it. Depression will not stop that.