Corruption
Chapter IX
At breakfast, she was quiet. She didn’t eat anything, either. She just sipped her water hesitantly.
“Is something wrong? Do you not like the food? I can have something else made,” I offered, feeling bad to eat in front of her.
“I haven’t eaten since I arrived in hell,” she said, smiling. “I’m just not hungry. This place takes away my appetite.”
“Do you have even the faintest recollection of what you said when you were all... glowy?”
“No. But I can tell from your thoughts that it bothers you.”
“Tell me, can you read my thoughts, then?”
“Not exactly. I get brief images, little flashes, but more I feel what you’re feeling. I feel your hope to leave here, I can feel that you’re bothered by something my ‘glowy’ self said, I can feel you’re not a happy person and feel lonely, though you hide it from even yourself.”
“I’m not lonely. I enjoy being alone.”
“That’s what you tell yourself, at least.”
I rolled my eyes. “Well if you’re so smart, tell me, why did I ask you to wear something other than white?”
“You felt like I was too light. It hurt your eyes. But I like white. I feel... right in it.”
I smirked. “Well, fine then. You’re too smart for me. But I need to go get some work done.”
“Can I come with you?”
“My study is terribly boring.”
“Do you have any books I could read?”
“Nothing you’d enjoy, but I can try to find you something.”
“Do you find me attractive?” she asked suddenly.
“I... what?”
“I can’t seem to adjust to how I look. I look weird. I was just curious if you find me to be attractive like this.”
I was speechless. “Lilium, your soul... embodies everything... beautiful... everything holy... How could I possibly not find you beautiful?”
“I’m not pretty like this, though. I’m so washed out.”
“That’s not true. You’re... light. Your aura is white. Just everything about you is made of light. Your very being is light. Your human body didn’t do your soul justice. You truly are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen.”
Much to my surprise, tears became to roll down her face.
“Are you alright? What is wrong? Did I say something?”
“I...,” she started, and then just shook her head and stood, backing away, and ran from the room. Something felt wrong. I knew females were moody but this felt wrong.
“God, that took a lot to get her to leave,” Lucifer muttered, appearing beside me.
“What did you do?” I asked, mildly curious.
“Just gave her some antagonistic feelings for everything. She’s hiding somewhere now, probably bawling her eyes out.”
“Alright. What do you wish to talk about?”
“Lilium is something... special. I heard what she said to you. Did she mean it?”
“Mean what?”
“That she is to be sending souls back to try again.”
“Yes, she did.”
“I see. I was just curious. If He wills it, what choice do we all have?” he muttered sarcastically. “Well, regardless. I wanted to come tell you to watch your step very carefully.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, surprised.
“I understand you have the task of sleeping with her and all that, but if I catch so much as one romantic feeling from you, you’re removed from the job. Immediately.”
“Wait, what are you talking about?”
“She’s mine.”
“I... I am confused.”
“You heard what she said. She’s mine.”
“If I recall correctly, she said you’d given her up and she was to be mine, but I honestly don’t care. Romantics isn’t my area of expertise.”
“Like I said, just tread carefully. She is mine, Phenex.”
“No I’m not,” she said from the doorway, striding back in. “I belong to no one. You were an asshole. You still are. You can go enjoy whoever you wish to, but not me.”
“Hello, Lilium. You look good.”
“I do, don’t I? Well, what a shame you treated me so horribly. I am not Phenex’s, I am not yours. I am my own person and I will not give myself away so easily now. My heart was healed when I was removed from my body. I no longer feel I need to hang onto whoever is near just to feel whole. I will be happy in saving the souls you torture. And you will be my co-ruler. You do not have a choice.”
“Oh? Says who? Who’s to stop me from hurting you?”
“Try,” she said, a smirk covering her face.
Anger bled through Lucifer’s cool exterior and he raised his fist, and froze.
“What... what are you doing?”
“I can feel your emotions. But what’s more, I can implant them into your head. I can freeze you on the spot, or I can make you feel guilt. I can make you feel whatever I want to. And right now, it’s time you feel a little remorse. Feel remorse for the pain you’ve caused. Feel remorse for the things you’ve ruined. The lives you’ve destroyed. The people you’ve corrupted. Feel their pain,” she said, eyes wide and angry. She looked... powerful. And like she was losing control.
“Feel what you did to me! Feel what you’ve done to every single soul in Hell!” she cried, anger coursing through her, and Lucifer started to quiver, and he fell to his knees.
“I’m sorry!” he yelled out. “I’m so sorry!”
“That’s enough, Lilium,” I said quietly, and she broke her gaze and turned to look at me.
“Why should I stop? He’s an abusive asshole. He hurts everyone. He’s evil!”
“He brings balance. He’s necessary to nature’s balance. Let him be. Do not continue. He must understand what he’s done. You will hurt him beyond repair if you continue. But perhaps this will help him figure things out,” I informed her and she nodded slowly.
“Leave, Lucifer. I do not wish to see you for quite a while. I am very angry at you for how you’ve hurt me and everyone. Please leave.”
He didn’t need to be told twice. He vanished into thin air, and Lilium started to shake.
“Lilium, are you alright?”
Her body shook harder and harder, until she fell to the ground in a heap, and lay there twitching intermittently.
I heard soft laughter of Lucifer and knew immediately he had done this to her.
I carried her into the cloud room and laid her down where she lay twitching. I sat beside her for a few minutes until she started to speak.
“Phenex. Help. Help me. I need help.”
I looked down at her and saw her hand outstretched towards me.
“He took it. I need it back. Get it. Please get it.”
“Get what?”
“I need it,” she said sadly, eyes closed.
“Lucifer, whatever you took, give it back,” I said, anger bubbling in me. Why did I have to deal with this?
“Her physical control. While in my realm, I can still control that,” his voice mocked.
“Give it back. She’s just a girl.”
“She’s disrespectful.”
“I don’t care. Do what you want. Just give it back.”
“Yeah? What will you do for it?”
“I don’t know. What do I have to?”
He paused. “You have to take on the ailment for three days.”
“Fine,” I said irritably. “Whatever. Just get on with it.”
My arms, legs, and my whole body began to twitch and I knew immediately he was true to his word.
“Phenex, no!” screamed Lilium, and ran to my side.
The minutes were hours, the hours decades. I lay there shaking, unable to control my limbs or any part of my body at all.
Much to Lilium’s credit, she stayed beside me the whole time. The servants came and tried to offer her food and drink, but she only accepted water, and even then she wouldn’t leave my side to fetch it from the servants; they had to bring it to her.
“Why did you do that?” she kept asking me. “Don’t ever do that again. Don’t ever hurt yourself for me. I can handle it. I would have been fine. You didn’t need this,” she would whisper fiercely. Even when her body grew tired, she fell asleep and lay beside me, clouds enveloping her. I wanted to tell her to leave but couldn’t find the muscle control to make myself talk. How on earth she had done it was beyond me.
At one point she even tried to feed me. She had a servant bring me food and a drink, but when she tried to put the food in my mouth, I rejected it. I wasn’t hungry. And she sent it away, seeming unsure what to do.
“I’m so sorry,” she said sadly. “I didn’t want you to do that. I am so sorry. Why? Why would you do something so stupid?”
If I could have responded, I wouldn’t have known how to. Why would I have done it? To prove it to Lucifer that I could? That I wouldn’t let him act like that? I wasn’t acting like myself.
“I want to try something, Phenex,” she whispered softly, gripping my shaking hand. “I’ll be able to feel whether you approve or not. Can I try to... feed you positive emotions to see if it will help to relieve your anguish,” she said, probably referring to my anger at the inability to move my own body. Why not?
It started slowly, but I felt it almost immediately. The feed of positivity, unlike anything I could recall ever feeling. It was warm, filling, relaxing. It was blissful. It was love, I would later determine.
*
I was drained. Completely and absolutely emotionally drained. It didn’t take too long to figure out that in order to give away the emotion, it had to come from me. I had felt regret for my past transgressions, and I pushed it onto Lucifer. And I had felt love for... well, I didn’t know. But I pushed it into Phenex. Immediately after I started to give it to him, his body relaxed, and the shaking stopped. He still couldn’t move, but the shaking had stopped after a long two days.
I felt my emotions completely drain away after about an hour, but still I kept pushing him love. On and on it continued, I felt my very existence draining away, but I was glad. He was happy. He felt content, and it was my fault he had to endure this regardless. I ought to be helping him.
The memories came flowing into my head. My times with my family when we were on good terms, times with my grandma... Grandma! How was my grandma doing?
Thoughts of my grandma brought more love and I felt it all draining away, and I felt Phenex starting to heal. Time in Hell had hurt him, wounded him, skewed his vision. Love was finally healing him. I was glad. He would be better. Perhaps now he could find his place back in heaven amidst the angels he belonged to.
I was surprised that helping him hurt so much. I was starting to feel a pain, a grey tinting my vision. Maybe it was just fatigue.
I must have blacked out, because I woke up laying next to a still immobile Phenex. I sat up, but something felt wrong. Empty.
“Phenex?”
“It shall not be long now, Miss,” whispered a servant from the door. “I don’t mean to intrude, I was just planning to bring you both some food and drink. It’s been nearly a full three days. He ought to wake any minute.”
“Thank you,” I said, and smiled at her, but something still felt wrong. “You can just set the food and drink at the door. I’ll eat with him when he wakes.”
She complied and skittered off.
I heard Lucifer’s laughter for a short moment, and then Phenex sat up immediately. “Oh thank Him, I can move.”
I smiled sadly at him. “I’m glad. And I am so, so sorry you had to endure that.”
“Lilium, why? Why did you stay?”
“I do not know. Looking back it was foolish. I must have stay up so long I blacked out. Now I just feel numb.”
He looked at me horror struck. “Please tell me you didn’t give me everything.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, surprised.
“You have no idea what you’re doing with this,” he realized, looking even more awestruck and horrified. “You just gave...”
“You can tell too, can’t you, Phenex?” Lucifer said, popping into the room. “You can see her soul is starting to fray. She gave you her love until it started to unravel her soul and then she continued to give it. She hurt herself. And we both know only two things will heal a broken soul.”
He shook his head slowly. “No. Please tell me it’s not true,” he whispered to me.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“She didn’t realize what she was doing.”
“What did I do?” I asked, starting to get the feeling I had done something very, very self-detrimental.
“You can explain this one, Phenex. I think you’ll have fun with it,” Lucifer said, winked, and then popped back out of the room.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Phenex.”
“You... why would you do it? It must have been horribly painful. Why would you continue when it started to hurt?”
“I wanted you to feel happiness.”
“You gave me part of your soul!” he yelled. “Do you understand what you’ve done? You’ve torn your very being! You will never recover from this unless you either kill me or become one with me, the one you’ve given your soul to. Kill me!” he continued, his voice bordering on panic.
“I will not kill you. How would that help anything?”
“The fraction of your soul you’ve given me will return to you. It is the only way you can ever be completely one with yourself again.”
“What is my other option, then?”
“To become one with me. Instead of being one and one, we would have to become two together.”
“What’s so hard about that?”
“I can never go. I would have to stay forever beside you.”
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt by that.
“Alright, then. Go.”
“Go where?” he asked, anger starting to subside into nervousness.
“Go away from me. You will be happy away from me. I needn’t be whole. I can complete my destiny by myself. I believe, by looking into your heart, that you are ready to go to Heaven again. You may have your second chance now. Take it.” I don’t know how the words came to me, but they felt... right.
He gave me a pained look, but at my summoning, he disappeared from the room.
I fell back into the cloud bed and lay there, sobbing silently. I fell down into the clouds, and came to rest inside of them, cocooned in the white masses.
Once again, I was alone. And this time, I was alone and broken.
I laid there alone. I allowed the soft clouds to swallow me whole, and while their digested me, I just lay there. I don’t know how long I was in there. It could have been minutes, it could have been months. I didn’t care. I just knew how badly it hurt. People looked for me, but the clouds weren’t going to give me up unless I asked them to, so I remained completely alone, buried in the depths.
A song began to play quietly in the depths of my mind, a memory buried in the clouds along with me. One I’d all but forgotten.
Moonlight Sonata. A piano played by quick, deft hands. Completely unblemished hands. The hands of a man, who was no more a man than I. I sat in my mother’s womb, while he played, the music sad and soulful.
But I realized it wasn’t my mother holding me in her womb. It wasn’t the woman I’d called my mother for my entire life. It was someone else. Someone who looked like my mother, but wasn’t.”
“Gabriel,” she whispered softly. “Will it be a girl or a boy?”
“It will be a set of twins,” sang a tenor voice, low and smooth. “One male, one female.”
“Will they be good?”
“One will be a savior. One will be the counterpart who brings havoc. I can say no more about their future.”
“Watch over them,” she pleaded. “I can feel that I will not last much longer. I will not live past childbirth, will I?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Who will take care of them?”
“Christiana, you will have to give them to your sister.”
“I fear for their souls if she raises them.”
“Do not. They will be alright. Trust me,” he said, continuing to play the haunting melody, a seemingly perpetual loop.
“I trust you, Gabriel,” she said, and a deep sadness filled me. While as a fetus I rested inside of her womb, I viewed the scene currently from off to the side. Her abdomen was swollen out in an unhealthy sort of way, her voice weak and unsteady, and most importantly, her pale, weak body. She was sick. Why was she sick? Could this be my mother?
“When are you leaving?” she asked warily.
“Tonight. I will be gone before you wake.”
“Why must you go?”
“Heaven needs me.”
I wasn’t sure, but from how it seemed, he wasn’t the father, just a messenger. But it seemed more complicated than that.
“I know I’ve asked a thousand times, but allow me a thousand and one. Who is the father, then? What has occurred? You were here for so short a time, and you told me I was pregnant, though I’ve had no relations with anyone. What has happened? It is very plain to me that you truly are a messenger of He above. I don’t want you to go. You play beautiful music that soothes me so much more than anything else can.”
“I am sorry I cannot stay. I am glad that you enjoyed our stay together.”
“Will you join me one last time? I know we’ve only had a week but it feels like I’ve known you my whole life.”
“I understand. Yes, I will,” he said, finishing his slow, sweet song, and then he stood from the piano.
He grabbed her frail body and carried her to another room. I followed quietly: it was apparent they couldn’t see me, and their intents did not seem sexual, so I didn’t feel too uncomfortable.
He laid her down and then gently laid beside her, taking her hand. He was a good foot away from her, but they didn’t seem uncomfortable. Just resigned to be apart.
“What will I do when you leave? I’m only getting sicker.”
He looked troubled. “I know. It won’t hurt much longer. And when you join me... we will have a chance to be together. Perhaps it will work for us.”
“What will my children think? Will they think I abandoned them?”
“They will believe your sister and her husband the parents,” he muttered stiffly.
“Allow me to say what I feel,” she said quietly. “I can tell that I haven’t much time left here. I will not sleep til I may say what I feel for you,” she said stubbornly.
“You may not say it,” he said. “It is not permitted for a mortal and angel to have feelings between them.”
“I don’t care. I’ll say it to the world. I love you.”
He glared for a brief moment, and his expression softened immensely. “I know. I feel the same. When you join me we shall be happy. Now sleep. I will watch over you.”
A smile covered her face as her translucent eyelids covered her soft violet eyes.
She drifted into sleep, and the scene disappeared. I was back in the clouds, alone again. What had just happened?
“What are we supposed to do with the brats?” asked my mother’s voice. Or was she even my mother? I was back in another vision or something of the sort.
“Their names are Caius and Lilium. They are twins, and they are not to be separated. You are not to give them to an orphanage. You will raise them as your own. Got it?” said the woman I knew to be Christiana.
“Do I have a choice in the matter? Why can’t you raise them?”
“Because I’m sick, my dear sister. I am going to die. Hopefully I will be able to see my children born, but that is all I can hope for. I am not well, and if you don’t swear to me to take care of them, no one will.”
“What about mom and dad?”
“They think I had a child out of wedlock and say they want nothing to do with the children, my own death be damned. It’s my own fault, they say. They don’t understand, and I’m sure you don’t either, but you know whose voice I use to speak to you about this matter. Let this be the one good act of your life.”
“Are you saying I’m a bad person, Christiana?”
“I am saying that you have made a lot of horrible choices, and this may be a chance to atone for them before it is too late.”
“Who are you to judge me?”
“I will not judge you, but the time will come when my child will. Grow up and be a good person for one time. Raise them as your own children swear to me you will.”
“I... I swear,” she said, anger flaring in her voice.
I was back in the clouds, floating amongst them, and glad to be there, but not for long before I was back in memories.
“It hurts, Gabriel.”
“I am sorry. It will be over soon,” he promised her. “The pain will leave soon.”
“Watch over them. Watch over my children. Please, Gabriel.”
“I have always watched over you, and when you are with me, you will be able to watch over them yourself.”
“Alright. I will. I will never let my children suffer.”
“Sometimes they will have to.”
“I know. I just hope one day they will know the truth, and that I love them.”
This time I really was back. I stayed there in the clouds, doing nothing but lay there for hours upon hours.
“Get up, Lilium,” Lucifer said, sounding angry. “Get the hell up.”
I ignored him, and just lay there. I said nothing.
“Get up!” he shouted. “It isn’t time to just laze around all damn day! I have things to do!”
“I will not, Lucifer. Consider this my sloth test if you wish. I will not get up.”
“Why do you refuse to get up?”
“I don’t want to. I want to just stay here. I won’t get up. Not without Phenex. He was the only one nice to me. The only one that let me fit in. He was nice enough to not hate me, to not hurt me, and he’s gone. I’m alone.”
“You have me.”
“You’re an asshole.”
He laughed, and I surfaced in the clouds to look at him. “You passed your sloth test, then. So be it. Now get up. He’s not coming back. Get used to it. You have work to do.”
I sighed, knowing he was right. “What do I have to do?”
“You have to do your next task. Wrath. Then greed. Then lust. And then we can finally get to work.”
“What do I have to do for wrath, then?”
“Well, this one is very specific. You are going to have to meet your parents. And decide whether or not they deserve a chance, and whether or not you will punish them for their sins.”
“I do not care. Take me to them, if you please.”
He looked positively gleeful. “Excellent!”
He grasped my hand and suddenly we were in a very different place than Phenex’s lair. We were sitting in a dark room with my mother. Or who I thought was my mother.
“Hello, Lilium. Why are you here?” she asked, anger reverberating in her voice.
“I am here to judge you for your sins.”
“Who are you to judge me? You’re my daughter!”
“I am not. I am your niece. And I have been chosen by He above to say whether or not you deserve to have a second chance. May I see your hand?” I asked, instinctively knowing that if I took her hand, I would somehow know whether or not to send her back.
When her sweaty palm fit into mine, I saw flashes of her life. I saw her sins, I saw he faults, I saw her strengths and weaknesses, and most of all I saw her redeeming qualities. When I was done, and had seen enough, I pulled my hand back and looked at her grimly.
“You have made many mistakes, and have committed many sins. But your sister has saved you in asking you to take her children. In that selfless act combined with the repentance in your heart, you may go back to earth. You will not remember this life, of course, but you may have a chance to do the right thing, and your soul will know deep down what you must do. Follow the light path. Go back and be happy,” I said, dismissing her with a wave of my hand, and immediately her form dissolved into the air.
“Well, that was not what I had been hoping for. Very well, you have one chance left to pass this test. Pass or forever rot in hell.”
“I don’t see how you can possibly hope to attain that. I have the ability to send all your “loyal subjects” back and all of the souls you torture, so how will you keep me captive?”
He thought about that for a moment. “I won’t. But I will keep your brother away from you, here in hell, and you can never send him back.”
I shuddered, but just nodded. “If he does not deserve to go back, he will not.”
He suddenly grabbed for my hand again, and we were in a similar dark room, but with my father. He had a tortured expression on his face, and was seemingly fighting off something I couldn’t see.
“Isn’t it wonderful? I can make him see things that aren’t here! He can’t even hear us at the moment.”
Turning to me, the depths of anger and hatred were easily seen in my father’s eyes. “Why are you here? You aren’t supposed to be here. Either of you.”
“I am here to judge your soul, your transgressions and your level of repentance.”
“Repentance for what? I ain’t done nothing wrong, Lily. I ain’t done nothing.”
“Give me your hand, Papa.”
“I will if I want to!” he said angrily, and forced it out towards me, anger obvious in his voice.
I saw flashes of anger, hatred, disgust, and lust. Nothing to save his soul.
“I cannot send you back, Papa. You have been a horrible person and until you repent you will have no chance to return.”
“I ain’t done nothing wrong, Lily! I’ve been a damn good man!”
“Tell that to the families of the addicts you sold meth to,” I said quietly. “Tell that to the ones suffering because you provided an illegal, toxic substance to the people they loved. Tell that to Caius and me for the times you would beat us and kick me out of the house. Tell that to Mama for all the times you got drunk and hit her. You have done horrible things and do not repent. You will not return for another chance.”
“Now you listen here, Miss High and Mighty,” he said, tone growing hard with fury. “You had better give me another chance to make things right, or so help me!”
“What will you do, Papa, hurt me again?” I asked, starting to let my anger get a hold of me. I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t seem to calm my frayed nerves. “Will you hurt me and push me down and knock me to the floor and scream at me til I cry? That won’t work anymore, Papa. Until you feel remorse for what you have done, you will never, ever get another chance. Feel what you’ve done,” I whispered with passion, and pushed a bit of pure fear into him. “Know that unless you feel remorse for what you’ve done, you will rot in this hell. Goodbye Papa. I’ll check back on you every one hundred years or so,” I said, and my anger ebbed away as soon as Lucifer took me from the room.
“Well, I suppose that was sufficient. Hm. Greed. Let’s get this done and over with. My own lust is starting to act up with you around,” he said, and winked at me. I rolled my eyes in disgust, but said nothing.
“Well, I don’t know. Be greedy somehow.”
“Shall I drink a glass of water in front of a person who’s thirsty?”
“Hmm. I suppose that will work if you so choose. I want to get this over with.”
“Take me there.”
He took me to a person sitting in a desert, and in Lucifer’s hand appeared a glass of water.
“Would you like some?” he asked the man, who had horrible burns on his face and body, and he looked horrible.
“Yes,” he croaked.
He passed me the glass and I drank it quickly, and without passion of any sort.
“Happy?”
“Very.”
“Good. Now, sir, may I have your hand?”
“This was not part of our deal, Lilium.”
“Too bad.”
The burnt man slowly brought his hand out to reach mine, and I saw he had long ago repented for his sins, and was very much ready to return. He had left his child at age twenty, and had regretted it for much of his life, and now he was ready to attempt life again.
“Go in peace, and try again, sir. Follow the light of He above,” I said, and he smiled at me, and vanished. I felt such a sense of relief, and turned to see Lucifer looking absolutely furious.
“Why would you do that, Lilium? That was just stupid!”
“Well, I will not apologize for doing what I am made for.”
“Well, I will punish you for going against what I told you to do.”
“I don’t care. I feel nothing inside. I am a half of a person. I just feel tired.”
“I can make you feel something,” he taunted, and I was so numb I barely even noticed.
“Do as you wish.”
“I will,” he promised, clapped his hands together dramatically, and moved us to a bedroom, not too differently than the one that had been his in the cabin.
“Get on the bed,” he ordered, and I didn’t listen. I just stood there, and he shoved me.
“Get on the bed,” he repeated, and this time I stumbled onto it, completely numb. I didn’t know what was even going on.
“Lay down,” he commanded, and I didn’t. I couldn’t move. My whole body was completely ignoring my will, and just sat there.
He rolled his eyes and pushed me down onto my back, and crawled over me. “Apologize for sending him back. Apologize or we’ll do your lust test this very instant.”
I was silent, unable to move a single part of my body, but he didn’t seem to know that.
“Fine. We’ll do this the hard way,” he declared, and started fiercely kissing me, a kiss full of anger and passion. I was unresponsive, and was starting to slip away. My mind was turning into the clouds of phenex’s bed.
My eyes closed, and my body fell away from my grasp, and I was gone.
*
She was asleep. She’d fallen asleep. God damnit!
“Wake up, Lilium!” I shouted, and shook her, but she was unresponsive. It wasn’t possible for her to be dead. But I could see her form falling apart, unravelling like a frayed cloth. She wouldn’t wake unless she had Phenex back.
I sat beside her and looked down on her, and felt a deep sadness. She was gone. Phenex was gone, and he’d taken the best of her with him.
“Come back, Phenex. She needs you.”
*
Back in heaven, He greeted me.
“Ah, Lilium sent you back. I am glad to have you here, Phenex. I am glad you have chosen to come back to me.”
While I could not see Him, I heard his voice.
“I am glad to be back, Lord. I have missed you.”
“Well, I would like to offer you a choice, because this is very important. Will you return?”
“What? I thought you were glad to have me here?”
“Rest assured, I am. However, little Lilium is suffering. She cannot go on without her whole soul. She will not complete her mission without your help,” he announced, and I sighed.
“Will I ever get a chance to bask in your glory forever, Lord? I have missed your presence... Have I not atoned for my mistake?”
“You have, Phenex, and you have done very well. But if you look into your heart, you know what has to be done.”
“Why does she need me?”
“She used a part of her soul to heal your broken one. You were hurt from your time in Hell, and she helped to heal it so you could return to me. You may, of course, stay with me if you so choose.”
It required no thought at all to decide: the decision was ingrained into my very being. I knew what I would do. It’s what I would do again. Over and over, I would make the same choice, with or without the regrets.
“Is something wrong? Do you not like the food? I can have something else made,” I offered, feeling bad to eat in front of her.
“I haven’t eaten since I arrived in hell,” she said, smiling. “I’m just not hungry. This place takes away my appetite.”
“Do you have even the faintest recollection of what you said when you were all... glowy?”
“No. But I can tell from your thoughts that it bothers you.”
“Tell me, can you read my thoughts, then?”
“Not exactly. I get brief images, little flashes, but more I feel what you’re feeling. I feel your hope to leave here, I can feel that you’re bothered by something my ‘glowy’ self said, I can feel you’re not a happy person and feel lonely, though you hide it from even yourself.”
“I’m not lonely. I enjoy being alone.”
“That’s what you tell yourself, at least.”
I rolled my eyes. “Well if you’re so smart, tell me, why did I ask you to wear something other than white?”
“You felt like I was too light. It hurt your eyes. But I like white. I feel... right in it.”
I smirked. “Well, fine then. You’re too smart for me. But I need to go get some work done.”
“Can I come with you?”
“My study is terribly boring.”
“Do you have any books I could read?”
“Nothing you’d enjoy, but I can try to find you something.”
“Do you find me attractive?” she asked suddenly.
“I... what?”
“I can’t seem to adjust to how I look. I look weird. I was just curious if you find me to be attractive like this.”
I was speechless. “Lilium, your soul... embodies everything... beautiful... everything holy... How could I possibly not find you beautiful?”
“I’m not pretty like this, though. I’m so washed out.”
“That’s not true. You’re... light. Your aura is white. Just everything about you is made of light. Your very being is light. Your human body didn’t do your soul justice. You truly are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen.”
Much to my surprise, tears became to roll down her face.
“Are you alright? What is wrong? Did I say something?”
“I...,” she started, and then just shook her head and stood, backing away, and ran from the room. Something felt wrong. I knew females were moody but this felt wrong.
“God, that took a lot to get her to leave,” Lucifer muttered, appearing beside me.
“What did you do?” I asked, mildly curious.
“Just gave her some antagonistic feelings for everything. She’s hiding somewhere now, probably bawling her eyes out.”
“Alright. What do you wish to talk about?”
“Lilium is something... special. I heard what she said to you. Did she mean it?”
“Mean what?”
“That she is to be sending souls back to try again.”
“Yes, she did.”
“I see. I was just curious. If He wills it, what choice do we all have?” he muttered sarcastically. “Well, regardless. I wanted to come tell you to watch your step very carefully.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, surprised.
“I understand you have the task of sleeping with her and all that, but if I catch so much as one romantic feeling from you, you’re removed from the job. Immediately.”
“Wait, what are you talking about?”
“She’s mine.”
“I... I am confused.”
“You heard what she said. She’s mine.”
“If I recall correctly, she said you’d given her up and she was to be mine, but I honestly don’t care. Romantics isn’t my area of expertise.”
“Like I said, just tread carefully. She is mine, Phenex.”
“No I’m not,” she said from the doorway, striding back in. “I belong to no one. You were an asshole. You still are. You can go enjoy whoever you wish to, but not me.”
“Hello, Lilium. You look good.”
“I do, don’t I? Well, what a shame you treated me so horribly. I am not Phenex’s, I am not yours. I am my own person and I will not give myself away so easily now. My heart was healed when I was removed from my body. I no longer feel I need to hang onto whoever is near just to feel whole. I will be happy in saving the souls you torture. And you will be my co-ruler. You do not have a choice.”
“Oh? Says who? Who’s to stop me from hurting you?”
“Try,” she said, a smirk covering her face.
Anger bled through Lucifer’s cool exterior and he raised his fist, and froze.
“What... what are you doing?”
“I can feel your emotions. But what’s more, I can implant them into your head. I can freeze you on the spot, or I can make you feel guilt. I can make you feel whatever I want to. And right now, it’s time you feel a little remorse. Feel remorse for the pain you’ve caused. Feel remorse for the things you’ve ruined. The lives you’ve destroyed. The people you’ve corrupted. Feel their pain,” she said, eyes wide and angry. She looked... powerful. And like she was losing control.
“Feel what you did to me! Feel what you’ve done to every single soul in Hell!” she cried, anger coursing through her, and Lucifer started to quiver, and he fell to his knees.
“I’m sorry!” he yelled out. “I’m so sorry!”
“That’s enough, Lilium,” I said quietly, and she broke her gaze and turned to look at me.
“Why should I stop? He’s an abusive asshole. He hurts everyone. He’s evil!”
“He brings balance. He’s necessary to nature’s balance. Let him be. Do not continue. He must understand what he’s done. You will hurt him beyond repair if you continue. But perhaps this will help him figure things out,” I informed her and she nodded slowly.
“Leave, Lucifer. I do not wish to see you for quite a while. I am very angry at you for how you’ve hurt me and everyone. Please leave.”
He didn’t need to be told twice. He vanished into thin air, and Lilium started to shake.
“Lilium, are you alright?”
Her body shook harder and harder, until she fell to the ground in a heap, and lay there twitching intermittently.
I heard soft laughter of Lucifer and knew immediately he had done this to her.
I carried her into the cloud room and laid her down where she lay twitching. I sat beside her for a few minutes until she started to speak.
“Phenex. Help. Help me. I need help.”
I looked down at her and saw her hand outstretched towards me.
“He took it. I need it back. Get it. Please get it.”
“Get what?”
“I need it,” she said sadly, eyes closed.
“Lucifer, whatever you took, give it back,” I said, anger bubbling in me. Why did I have to deal with this?
“Her physical control. While in my realm, I can still control that,” his voice mocked.
“Give it back. She’s just a girl.”
“She’s disrespectful.”
“I don’t care. Do what you want. Just give it back.”
“Yeah? What will you do for it?”
“I don’t know. What do I have to?”
He paused. “You have to take on the ailment for three days.”
“Fine,” I said irritably. “Whatever. Just get on with it.”
My arms, legs, and my whole body began to twitch and I knew immediately he was true to his word.
“Phenex, no!” screamed Lilium, and ran to my side.
The minutes were hours, the hours decades. I lay there shaking, unable to control my limbs or any part of my body at all.
Much to Lilium’s credit, she stayed beside me the whole time. The servants came and tried to offer her food and drink, but she only accepted water, and even then she wouldn’t leave my side to fetch it from the servants; they had to bring it to her.
“Why did you do that?” she kept asking me. “Don’t ever do that again. Don’t ever hurt yourself for me. I can handle it. I would have been fine. You didn’t need this,” she would whisper fiercely. Even when her body grew tired, she fell asleep and lay beside me, clouds enveloping her. I wanted to tell her to leave but couldn’t find the muscle control to make myself talk. How on earth she had done it was beyond me.
At one point she even tried to feed me. She had a servant bring me food and a drink, but when she tried to put the food in my mouth, I rejected it. I wasn’t hungry. And she sent it away, seeming unsure what to do.
“I’m so sorry,” she said sadly. “I didn’t want you to do that. I am so sorry. Why? Why would you do something so stupid?”
If I could have responded, I wouldn’t have known how to. Why would I have done it? To prove it to Lucifer that I could? That I wouldn’t let him act like that? I wasn’t acting like myself.
“I want to try something, Phenex,” she whispered softly, gripping my shaking hand. “I’ll be able to feel whether you approve or not. Can I try to... feed you positive emotions to see if it will help to relieve your anguish,” she said, probably referring to my anger at the inability to move my own body. Why not?
It started slowly, but I felt it almost immediately. The feed of positivity, unlike anything I could recall ever feeling. It was warm, filling, relaxing. It was blissful. It was love, I would later determine.
*
I was drained. Completely and absolutely emotionally drained. It didn’t take too long to figure out that in order to give away the emotion, it had to come from me. I had felt regret for my past transgressions, and I pushed it onto Lucifer. And I had felt love for... well, I didn’t know. But I pushed it into Phenex. Immediately after I started to give it to him, his body relaxed, and the shaking stopped. He still couldn’t move, but the shaking had stopped after a long two days.
I felt my emotions completely drain away after about an hour, but still I kept pushing him love. On and on it continued, I felt my very existence draining away, but I was glad. He was happy. He felt content, and it was my fault he had to endure this regardless. I ought to be helping him.
The memories came flowing into my head. My times with my family when we were on good terms, times with my grandma... Grandma! How was my grandma doing?
Thoughts of my grandma brought more love and I felt it all draining away, and I felt Phenex starting to heal. Time in Hell had hurt him, wounded him, skewed his vision. Love was finally healing him. I was glad. He would be better. Perhaps now he could find his place back in heaven amidst the angels he belonged to.
I was surprised that helping him hurt so much. I was starting to feel a pain, a grey tinting my vision. Maybe it was just fatigue.
I must have blacked out, because I woke up laying next to a still immobile Phenex. I sat up, but something felt wrong. Empty.
“Phenex?”
“It shall not be long now, Miss,” whispered a servant from the door. “I don’t mean to intrude, I was just planning to bring you both some food and drink. It’s been nearly a full three days. He ought to wake any minute.”
“Thank you,” I said, and smiled at her, but something still felt wrong. “You can just set the food and drink at the door. I’ll eat with him when he wakes.”
She complied and skittered off.
I heard Lucifer’s laughter for a short moment, and then Phenex sat up immediately. “Oh thank Him, I can move.”
I smiled sadly at him. “I’m glad. And I am so, so sorry you had to endure that.”
“Lilium, why? Why did you stay?”
“I do not know. Looking back it was foolish. I must have stay up so long I blacked out. Now I just feel numb.”
He looked at me horror struck. “Please tell me you didn’t give me everything.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, surprised.
“You have no idea what you’re doing with this,” he realized, looking even more awestruck and horrified. “You just gave...”
“You can tell too, can’t you, Phenex?” Lucifer said, popping into the room. “You can see her soul is starting to fray. She gave you her love until it started to unravel her soul and then she continued to give it. She hurt herself. And we both know only two things will heal a broken soul.”
He shook his head slowly. “No. Please tell me it’s not true,” he whispered to me.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“She didn’t realize what she was doing.”
“What did I do?” I asked, starting to get the feeling I had done something very, very self-detrimental.
“You can explain this one, Phenex. I think you’ll have fun with it,” Lucifer said, winked, and then popped back out of the room.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Phenex.”
“You... why would you do it? It must have been horribly painful. Why would you continue when it started to hurt?”
“I wanted you to feel happiness.”
“You gave me part of your soul!” he yelled. “Do you understand what you’ve done? You’ve torn your very being! You will never recover from this unless you either kill me or become one with me, the one you’ve given your soul to. Kill me!” he continued, his voice bordering on panic.
“I will not kill you. How would that help anything?”
“The fraction of your soul you’ve given me will return to you. It is the only way you can ever be completely one with yourself again.”
“What is my other option, then?”
“To become one with me. Instead of being one and one, we would have to become two together.”
“What’s so hard about that?”
“I can never go. I would have to stay forever beside you.”
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt by that.
“Alright, then. Go.”
“Go where?” he asked, anger starting to subside into nervousness.
“Go away from me. You will be happy away from me. I needn’t be whole. I can complete my destiny by myself. I believe, by looking into your heart, that you are ready to go to Heaven again. You may have your second chance now. Take it.” I don’t know how the words came to me, but they felt... right.
He gave me a pained look, but at my summoning, he disappeared from the room.
I fell back into the cloud bed and lay there, sobbing silently. I fell down into the clouds, and came to rest inside of them, cocooned in the white masses.
Once again, I was alone. And this time, I was alone and broken.
I laid there alone. I allowed the soft clouds to swallow me whole, and while their digested me, I just lay there. I don’t know how long I was in there. It could have been minutes, it could have been months. I didn’t care. I just knew how badly it hurt. People looked for me, but the clouds weren’t going to give me up unless I asked them to, so I remained completely alone, buried in the depths.
A song began to play quietly in the depths of my mind, a memory buried in the clouds along with me. One I’d all but forgotten.
Moonlight Sonata. A piano played by quick, deft hands. Completely unblemished hands. The hands of a man, who was no more a man than I. I sat in my mother’s womb, while he played, the music sad and soulful.
But I realized it wasn’t my mother holding me in her womb. It wasn’t the woman I’d called my mother for my entire life. It was someone else. Someone who looked like my mother, but wasn’t.”
“Gabriel,” she whispered softly. “Will it be a girl or a boy?”
“It will be a set of twins,” sang a tenor voice, low and smooth. “One male, one female.”
“Will they be good?”
“One will be a savior. One will be the counterpart who brings havoc. I can say no more about their future.”
“Watch over them,” she pleaded. “I can feel that I will not last much longer. I will not live past childbirth, will I?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Who will take care of them?”
“Christiana, you will have to give them to your sister.”
“I fear for their souls if she raises them.”
“Do not. They will be alright. Trust me,” he said, continuing to play the haunting melody, a seemingly perpetual loop.
“I trust you, Gabriel,” she said, and a deep sadness filled me. While as a fetus I rested inside of her womb, I viewed the scene currently from off to the side. Her abdomen was swollen out in an unhealthy sort of way, her voice weak and unsteady, and most importantly, her pale, weak body. She was sick. Why was she sick? Could this be my mother?
“When are you leaving?” she asked warily.
“Tonight. I will be gone before you wake.”
“Why must you go?”
“Heaven needs me.”
I wasn’t sure, but from how it seemed, he wasn’t the father, just a messenger. But it seemed more complicated than that.
“I know I’ve asked a thousand times, but allow me a thousand and one. Who is the father, then? What has occurred? You were here for so short a time, and you told me I was pregnant, though I’ve had no relations with anyone. What has happened? It is very plain to me that you truly are a messenger of He above. I don’t want you to go. You play beautiful music that soothes me so much more than anything else can.”
“I am sorry I cannot stay. I am glad that you enjoyed our stay together.”
“Will you join me one last time? I know we’ve only had a week but it feels like I’ve known you my whole life.”
“I understand. Yes, I will,” he said, finishing his slow, sweet song, and then he stood from the piano.
He grabbed her frail body and carried her to another room. I followed quietly: it was apparent they couldn’t see me, and their intents did not seem sexual, so I didn’t feel too uncomfortable.
He laid her down and then gently laid beside her, taking her hand. He was a good foot away from her, but they didn’t seem uncomfortable. Just resigned to be apart.
“What will I do when you leave? I’m only getting sicker.”
He looked troubled. “I know. It won’t hurt much longer. And when you join me... we will have a chance to be together. Perhaps it will work for us.”
“What will my children think? Will they think I abandoned them?”
“They will believe your sister and her husband the parents,” he muttered stiffly.
“Allow me to say what I feel,” she said quietly. “I can tell that I haven’t much time left here. I will not sleep til I may say what I feel for you,” she said stubbornly.
“You may not say it,” he said. “It is not permitted for a mortal and angel to have feelings between them.”
“I don’t care. I’ll say it to the world. I love you.”
He glared for a brief moment, and his expression softened immensely. “I know. I feel the same. When you join me we shall be happy. Now sleep. I will watch over you.”
A smile covered her face as her translucent eyelids covered her soft violet eyes.
She drifted into sleep, and the scene disappeared. I was back in the clouds, alone again. What had just happened?
“What are we supposed to do with the brats?” asked my mother’s voice. Or was she even my mother? I was back in another vision or something of the sort.
“Their names are Caius and Lilium. They are twins, and they are not to be separated. You are not to give them to an orphanage. You will raise them as your own. Got it?” said the woman I knew to be Christiana.
“Do I have a choice in the matter? Why can’t you raise them?”
“Because I’m sick, my dear sister. I am going to die. Hopefully I will be able to see my children born, but that is all I can hope for. I am not well, and if you don’t swear to me to take care of them, no one will.”
“What about mom and dad?”
“They think I had a child out of wedlock and say they want nothing to do with the children, my own death be damned. It’s my own fault, they say. They don’t understand, and I’m sure you don’t either, but you know whose voice I use to speak to you about this matter. Let this be the one good act of your life.”
“Are you saying I’m a bad person, Christiana?”
“I am saying that you have made a lot of horrible choices, and this may be a chance to atone for them before it is too late.”
“Who are you to judge me?”
“I will not judge you, but the time will come when my child will. Grow up and be a good person for one time. Raise them as your own children swear to me you will.”
“I... I swear,” she said, anger flaring in her voice.
I was back in the clouds, floating amongst them, and glad to be there, but not for long before I was back in memories.
“It hurts, Gabriel.”
“I am sorry. It will be over soon,” he promised her. “The pain will leave soon.”
“Watch over them. Watch over my children. Please, Gabriel.”
“I have always watched over you, and when you are with me, you will be able to watch over them yourself.”
“Alright. I will. I will never let my children suffer.”
“Sometimes they will have to.”
“I know. I just hope one day they will know the truth, and that I love them.”
This time I really was back. I stayed there in the clouds, doing nothing but lay there for hours upon hours.
“Get up, Lilium,” Lucifer said, sounding angry. “Get the hell up.”
I ignored him, and just lay there. I said nothing.
“Get up!” he shouted. “It isn’t time to just laze around all damn day! I have things to do!”
“I will not, Lucifer. Consider this my sloth test if you wish. I will not get up.”
“Why do you refuse to get up?”
“I don’t want to. I want to just stay here. I won’t get up. Not without Phenex. He was the only one nice to me. The only one that let me fit in. He was nice enough to not hate me, to not hurt me, and he’s gone. I’m alone.”
“You have me.”
“You’re an asshole.”
He laughed, and I surfaced in the clouds to look at him. “You passed your sloth test, then. So be it. Now get up. He’s not coming back. Get used to it. You have work to do.”
I sighed, knowing he was right. “What do I have to do?”
“You have to do your next task. Wrath. Then greed. Then lust. And then we can finally get to work.”
“What do I have to do for wrath, then?”
“Well, this one is very specific. You are going to have to meet your parents. And decide whether or not they deserve a chance, and whether or not you will punish them for their sins.”
“I do not care. Take me to them, if you please.”
He looked positively gleeful. “Excellent!”
He grasped my hand and suddenly we were in a very different place than Phenex’s lair. We were sitting in a dark room with my mother. Or who I thought was my mother.
“Hello, Lilium. Why are you here?” she asked, anger reverberating in her voice.
“I am here to judge you for your sins.”
“Who are you to judge me? You’re my daughter!”
“I am not. I am your niece. And I have been chosen by He above to say whether or not you deserve to have a second chance. May I see your hand?” I asked, instinctively knowing that if I took her hand, I would somehow know whether or not to send her back.
When her sweaty palm fit into mine, I saw flashes of her life. I saw her sins, I saw he faults, I saw her strengths and weaknesses, and most of all I saw her redeeming qualities. When I was done, and had seen enough, I pulled my hand back and looked at her grimly.
“You have made many mistakes, and have committed many sins. But your sister has saved you in asking you to take her children. In that selfless act combined with the repentance in your heart, you may go back to earth. You will not remember this life, of course, but you may have a chance to do the right thing, and your soul will know deep down what you must do. Follow the light path. Go back and be happy,” I said, dismissing her with a wave of my hand, and immediately her form dissolved into the air.
“Well, that was not what I had been hoping for. Very well, you have one chance left to pass this test. Pass or forever rot in hell.”
“I don’t see how you can possibly hope to attain that. I have the ability to send all your “loyal subjects” back and all of the souls you torture, so how will you keep me captive?”
He thought about that for a moment. “I won’t. But I will keep your brother away from you, here in hell, and you can never send him back.”
I shuddered, but just nodded. “If he does not deserve to go back, he will not.”
He suddenly grabbed for my hand again, and we were in a similar dark room, but with my father. He had a tortured expression on his face, and was seemingly fighting off something I couldn’t see.
“Isn’t it wonderful? I can make him see things that aren’t here! He can’t even hear us at the moment.”
Turning to me, the depths of anger and hatred were easily seen in my father’s eyes. “Why are you here? You aren’t supposed to be here. Either of you.”
“I am here to judge your soul, your transgressions and your level of repentance.”
“Repentance for what? I ain’t done nothing wrong, Lily. I ain’t done nothing.”
“Give me your hand, Papa.”
“I will if I want to!” he said angrily, and forced it out towards me, anger obvious in his voice.
I saw flashes of anger, hatred, disgust, and lust. Nothing to save his soul.
“I cannot send you back, Papa. You have been a horrible person and until you repent you will have no chance to return.”
“I ain’t done nothing wrong, Lily! I’ve been a damn good man!”
“Tell that to the families of the addicts you sold meth to,” I said quietly. “Tell that to the ones suffering because you provided an illegal, toxic substance to the people they loved. Tell that to Caius and me for the times you would beat us and kick me out of the house. Tell that to Mama for all the times you got drunk and hit her. You have done horrible things and do not repent. You will not return for another chance.”
“Now you listen here, Miss High and Mighty,” he said, tone growing hard with fury. “You had better give me another chance to make things right, or so help me!”
“What will you do, Papa, hurt me again?” I asked, starting to let my anger get a hold of me. I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t seem to calm my frayed nerves. “Will you hurt me and push me down and knock me to the floor and scream at me til I cry? That won’t work anymore, Papa. Until you feel remorse for what you have done, you will never, ever get another chance. Feel what you’ve done,” I whispered with passion, and pushed a bit of pure fear into him. “Know that unless you feel remorse for what you’ve done, you will rot in this hell. Goodbye Papa. I’ll check back on you every one hundred years or so,” I said, and my anger ebbed away as soon as Lucifer took me from the room.
“Well, I suppose that was sufficient. Hm. Greed. Let’s get this done and over with. My own lust is starting to act up with you around,” he said, and winked at me. I rolled my eyes in disgust, but said nothing.
“Well, I don’t know. Be greedy somehow.”
“Shall I drink a glass of water in front of a person who’s thirsty?”
“Hmm. I suppose that will work if you so choose. I want to get this over with.”
“Take me there.”
He took me to a person sitting in a desert, and in Lucifer’s hand appeared a glass of water.
“Would you like some?” he asked the man, who had horrible burns on his face and body, and he looked horrible.
“Yes,” he croaked.
He passed me the glass and I drank it quickly, and without passion of any sort.
“Happy?”
“Very.”
“Good. Now, sir, may I have your hand?”
“This was not part of our deal, Lilium.”
“Too bad.”
The burnt man slowly brought his hand out to reach mine, and I saw he had long ago repented for his sins, and was very much ready to return. He had left his child at age twenty, and had regretted it for much of his life, and now he was ready to attempt life again.
“Go in peace, and try again, sir. Follow the light of He above,” I said, and he smiled at me, and vanished. I felt such a sense of relief, and turned to see Lucifer looking absolutely furious.
“Why would you do that, Lilium? That was just stupid!”
“Well, I will not apologize for doing what I am made for.”
“Well, I will punish you for going against what I told you to do.”
“I don’t care. I feel nothing inside. I am a half of a person. I just feel tired.”
“I can make you feel something,” he taunted, and I was so numb I barely even noticed.
“Do as you wish.”
“I will,” he promised, clapped his hands together dramatically, and moved us to a bedroom, not too differently than the one that had been his in the cabin.
“Get on the bed,” he ordered, and I didn’t listen. I just stood there, and he shoved me.
“Get on the bed,” he repeated, and this time I stumbled onto it, completely numb. I didn’t know what was even going on.
“Lay down,” he commanded, and I didn’t. I couldn’t move. My whole body was completely ignoring my will, and just sat there.
He rolled his eyes and pushed me down onto my back, and crawled over me. “Apologize for sending him back. Apologize or we’ll do your lust test this very instant.”
I was silent, unable to move a single part of my body, but he didn’t seem to know that.
“Fine. We’ll do this the hard way,” he declared, and started fiercely kissing me, a kiss full of anger and passion. I was unresponsive, and was starting to slip away. My mind was turning into the clouds of phenex’s bed.
My eyes closed, and my body fell away from my grasp, and I was gone.
*
She was asleep. She’d fallen asleep. God damnit!
“Wake up, Lilium!” I shouted, and shook her, but she was unresponsive. It wasn’t possible for her to be dead. But I could see her form falling apart, unravelling like a frayed cloth. She wouldn’t wake unless she had Phenex back.
I sat beside her and looked down on her, and felt a deep sadness. She was gone. Phenex was gone, and he’d taken the best of her with him.
“Come back, Phenex. She needs you.”
*
Back in heaven, He greeted me.
“Ah, Lilium sent you back. I am glad to have you here, Phenex. I am glad you have chosen to come back to me.”
While I could not see Him, I heard his voice.
“I am glad to be back, Lord. I have missed you.”
“Well, I would like to offer you a choice, because this is very important. Will you return?”
“What? I thought you were glad to have me here?”
“Rest assured, I am. However, little Lilium is suffering. She cannot go on without her whole soul. She will not complete her mission without your help,” he announced, and I sighed.
“Will I ever get a chance to bask in your glory forever, Lord? I have missed your presence... Have I not atoned for my mistake?”
“You have, Phenex, and you have done very well. But if you look into your heart, you know what has to be done.”
“Why does she need me?”
“She used a part of her soul to heal your broken one. You were hurt from your time in Hell, and she helped to heal it so you could return to me. You may, of course, stay with me if you so choose.”
It required no thought at all to decide: the decision was ingrained into my very being. I knew what I would do. It’s what I would do again. Over and over, I would make the same choice, with or without the regrets.