Letters on Leave

My dear, Sunday January 13, 2013
I apologize for the letters getting shorter and shorter, usually I write late at night and get distracted or fall asleep. Hopefully this one will be longer though. You haven’t even been gone a week and it feels like forever. I wonder if this is how Hatter felt. He fell in love, and then she was gone, she was to return once more, but there were no clues as to when. Just that. I think I understand the Mad Hatter’s character a lot more now. I miss you so, and I would love to continue in my... Expansion of the truth and fall further and further in love with my idea of you, but I just can’t. I feel myself drifting further in your absence. I don’t like it one bit. I don’t want to give up on you, I don’t want to slip away from the happiness you bring me. You’re like a ray of sunshine in my life, even if you’re not 100%. Just talking to you, hearing from you, hearing your voice. I miss you. I made a collage of our pictures that I liked and it’s my desktop and when I see your face, I smile usually. It’s a bittersweet feeling, not because of the reasons before but new ones. I love you and you bring me such joy to see our times and marvel in our memories makes me so happy, but then reality sets in and you’re not here, and you’re not mine. I don’t think you’ll ever be mine. That breaks my heart.
I miss the sound of your laugh. I miss the way you smell, I still find your hair around sometimes. A long blonde strand on a hoodie or on the couch. It reminds me that you in fact are real, and in that moment you were mine. I don’t think anything will ever replace that feeling. Sitting with you, and for that time, the world stopped, and it was just you and I and nothing else mattered. It’s such an incredible feeling to know that you shared equal interest in being fully in that moment with me. It made me feel wanted, it made me feel worth something, it made me feel so happy.
I don’t think our friends are Alaska and the gang, nor Alice’s friends. Are we the Breakfast Club? I saw that the other day for the first time. I really enjoyed it. Nat would be Claire, the princess. Ethan could be Andrew, the jock. Peter, now Peter is hard, he could be Andrew the jock, or maybe Brain, the brains. Tom, I really don’t know Tom well enough to say. You my dear, come off as a Claire, the princess, but I kind of know you as Allison, the basket case, or maybe Andrew, the athlete, even possibly Brian, the brains; of corse forgetting gender. I too, find it hard to classify myself because I see myself in all of them, I’ve been each character depending on the circumstances. Prominently I would say John, the criminal, but I’m not that much of an ass, or Andrew but I’m not that devoted to diving, maybe Brian because I love learning, but Allison screams out to me. The compulsive liar, the basketcase. That’s kind of telling of what I think of myself, huh? I don’t really think that much so I guess it’s accurate.
I haven’t been smoking too much. Just a bit here and there, the nights have been rough. I think I considered getting healthier, but that hasn’t happened. My parent’s pulled shit again so I’m loosing it. All is normal, all is quaint. I just miss you, my pretty little saint. Look at me, how repulsive, rhymes and poetry. Pheh. I haven’t written a rhyme since last year. I threw that away like my artwork, it got repetitive. Once I get good, I get bored, I don’t get better. It’s a shame really. That’s what almost ended my life on a few occasions.
The song “How to Love” by Lil Wayne makes me think of you. I love you Emma, I do. I can feel my walls going up; much to my displeasure. I hope you come home soon, I don’t expect you to only be a week, two is hopeful. I miss you, I hope you’re well...