Status: Complete, all chapters posted.
Letters on Leave
Monday January 15, 2013
Hey, Monday January 15, 2013
I’m really happy for some reason. It’s probably because I’m super over tired. I didn’t get to sleep until 3. For no good reason like usual, so I guess I really shouldn’t complain. I’ve made a playlist of all the music I own that I bought because I heard it on the radio, it’s called “worst top 40” and it’s all bublegum pop, and it puts me in a good mood. I’m listening to that now, I’m sure it’s contributing to my mood. A lot of it makes me think of you. It makes me think of the fun we’ve had together, or the summer weather. It’s nice for a change. I drank last night on my own, it was weird, and I don’t know how I feel about this. I really don’t want to start drinking again, I don’t want to be like him. That’s understandable, right? I hope so.
I wrote Tanya last night, my home life was falling apart. As I was reading her reply I thought about how lucky I am to have her, like we spoke about. She’s literally my savior. I wish you had someone like that. I wish I could be that someone for you. Even if I couldn’t help you, just to know that you’d write me if you really needed to. I guess when kids say “call me no matter what time it is” and I never do, because I never can bring myself to doing so. She’s the person I turn to. I also find some sort of comfort knowing that I’m not crazy. It reminds me of this monologue in one of my favorite movies. I usually hate monologues too. So, It goes like this; it’s from the movie Stick It. The general feel of the movie is a gymnast gives up her true talent because she had no passion or drive. Her family is broken and her parents had a nasty divorce. Gymnastics was the only thing holding her family together, where her parents would stop fighting, and it was almost pleasant. Anyway the elite gymnast gives up her future, gives up what girls would kill for by walking out on Worlds championship. When she stops gymnastic her life crumbles, her parents divorce, and she’s lost. She’s without direction, without a mentor, without anyone. She falls in with the BMXers in the area. Her gymnastics history gives her the predisposition to be good, unafraid, and fit. She ends up accepting a challenge and wins the challenge, but gets caught for breaking and entering. Instead of juvy she has to go back on the competition floor. The movie progresses, character development- whatever. She makes it back to Worlds and it’s her chance for redemption. As she’s walking out onto the floor, you get into the characters head and hear her thoughts. The quote I absolutely love reads as follows:
There are things you wish for before big moments. I wish my friends were here. I wish my parents were different. I wish there was someone who got what was happening, and could just look at me and tell me we weren't crazy, that we weren't being stupid. Someone to say "I'm proud of you, and I got your back... no matter what."
That’s Tanya for me. She’s that person who’s proud of me and has my back. I’m gonna include that in my graduation speech, thank Tanya and walk off. I mean I know it’s kind of tacky- my parents, my “friends”, my teachers, and peers in the audience, but I really only have one person to thank and that’s Tanya. I wouldn't even consider thanking my parents, there has been no support from them at all. I mean maybe I’ll thank my grandmother for funding my high school education, but not for support or anything like that. They care, sometimes. That’s the problem, they only care sometimes. A bunch of kids if they give their parents good grades their parents will leave them to whatever they want, but mine don’t. If I do poorly, they’re on my ass and incorrigible, if I do well they treat me like a child. They’re so thankful that I’m behaving, they coddle me. I wish they’d leave me alone all the time. They’ve failed enough I might as well have raised myself. But to the outside I’m a privileged kid with a chip on my shoulder. As a demographic I’m just that. Only those who know my parents for a long period of time understand that I’m so much more than that. I’m not even close. I’m the adult in the family and it’s disgusting. Tanya knows.
I was thinking, you being away is not much different when I’m at school and you’re at school. I mean, it’s harder for me but hopefully it’s easier for you. I wish you were here. On the train tonight I had this horrible thought that when you come down in the summer and I can see you as I please. What if you have a boyfriend? I can see you but I cant have you. That’d kill me. I hope you don’t, but now I feel like a bad person because I really hope you’re happy, if that means boyfriend or not. If that means me or not. I’m really scared to loose you. This worries me so much, you haven’t the slightest.
I’m really happy for some reason. It’s probably because I’m super over tired. I didn’t get to sleep until 3. For no good reason like usual, so I guess I really shouldn’t complain. I’ve made a playlist of all the music I own that I bought because I heard it on the radio, it’s called “worst top 40” and it’s all bublegum pop, and it puts me in a good mood. I’m listening to that now, I’m sure it’s contributing to my mood. A lot of it makes me think of you. It makes me think of the fun we’ve had together, or the summer weather. It’s nice for a change. I drank last night on my own, it was weird, and I don’t know how I feel about this. I really don’t want to start drinking again, I don’t want to be like him. That’s understandable, right? I hope so.
I wrote Tanya last night, my home life was falling apart. As I was reading her reply I thought about how lucky I am to have her, like we spoke about. She’s literally my savior. I wish you had someone like that. I wish I could be that someone for you. Even if I couldn’t help you, just to know that you’d write me if you really needed to. I guess when kids say “call me no matter what time it is” and I never do, because I never can bring myself to doing so. She’s the person I turn to. I also find some sort of comfort knowing that I’m not crazy. It reminds me of this monologue in one of my favorite movies. I usually hate monologues too. So, It goes like this; it’s from the movie Stick It. The general feel of the movie is a gymnast gives up her true talent because she had no passion or drive. Her family is broken and her parents had a nasty divorce. Gymnastics was the only thing holding her family together, where her parents would stop fighting, and it was almost pleasant. Anyway the elite gymnast gives up her future, gives up what girls would kill for by walking out on Worlds championship. When she stops gymnastic her life crumbles, her parents divorce, and she’s lost. She’s without direction, without a mentor, without anyone. She falls in with the BMXers in the area. Her gymnastics history gives her the predisposition to be good, unafraid, and fit. She ends up accepting a challenge and wins the challenge, but gets caught for breaking and entering. Instead of juvy she has to go back on the competition floor. The movie progresses, character development- whatever. She makes it back to Worlds and it’s her chance for redemption. As she’s walking out onto the floor, you get into the characters head and hear her thoughts. The quote I absolutely love reads as follows:
There are things you wish for before big moments. I wish my friends were here. I wish my parents were different. I wish there was someone who got what was happening, and could just look at me and tell me we weren't crazy, that we weren't being stupid. Someone to say "I'm proud of you, and I got your back... no matter what."
That’s Tanya for me. She’s that person who’s proud of me and has my back. I’m gonna include that in my graduation speech, thank Tanya and walk off. I mean I know it’s kind of tacky- my parents, my “friends”, my teachers, and peers in the audience, but I really only have one person to thank and that’s Tanya. I wouldn't even consider thanking my parents, there has been no support from them at all. I mean maybe I’ll thank my grandmother for funding my high school education, but not for support or anything like that. They care, sometimes. That’s the problem, they only care sometimes. A bunch of kids if they give their parents good grades their parents will leave them to whatever they want, but mine don’t. If I do poorly, they’re on my ass and incorrigible, if I do well they treat me like a child. They’re so thankful that I’m behaving, they coddle me. I wish they’d leave me alone all the time. They’ve failed enough I might as well have raised myself. But to the outside I’m a privileged kid with a chip on my shoulder. As a demographic I’m just that. Only those who know my parents for a long period of time understand that I’m so much more than that. I’m not even close. I’m the adult in the family and it’s disgusting. Tanya knows.
I was thinking, you being away is not much different when I’m at school and you’re at school. I mean, it’s harder for me but hopefully it’s easier for you. I wish you were here. On the train tonight I had this horrible thought that when you come down in the summer and I can see you as I please. What if you have a boyfriend? I can see you but I cant have you. That’d kill me. I hope you don’t, but now I feel like a bad person because I really hope you’re happy, if that means boyfriend or not. If that means me or not. I’m really scared to loose you. This worries me so much, you haven’t the slightest.