The Life May Leave My Lungs But My Heart Will Stay With You.

Tony: See you later:)
Me: Can't wait;)

I continued texting Tony even after we said goodbye, something we tended to do.
We couldn't see a each other as much on tour, people were starting to get suspicious. Not accurately suspicious but just, aware. Tony said he didn't see it, he was probably right, he's not the one in an relationship.

I was really happy.
Happy when I was talking to Tony, thinking about Tony, being with Tony.
Then on the other hand I was completely fucked up. I'd drift back into reality from time to time, too many times, and remember I had a boyfriend, and I was still in love with him, whilst falling for another guy.

I wouldn't let it show. Not to Oli.
Especially not to Tony. You see what hurts the most is, Oli doesn't see it. When you look at someone you love they can't hide things from you, even if they try. You can tell by their eyes. Oli doesn't see anything in my eyes, he doesn't see the lies, the cheating, the pain all of the above causes. He's the least suspicious.
But Tony, he notices the small things. Which is another thing that hurts, me and Tony aren't anywhere near mine and Oli's level.
I needed to get out of my head.
I reached for my pack, a habit I had regained these past two weeks, I had given up years ago because of Oli. Now he was the reason I started again.
I stepped outside, leaning against the bus. I could hear the sounds of most sets finishing up. That's another thing, I haven't been present at so many BMTH set's recently, recently theirs and PTV's clash, I end up not going to either.
The thought of me being a terrible person slipped away when I took an extra long drag.

When I opened my eyes, close enough for me to see, PTV on my right, BMTH on my left, the bands had both just finished their sets, meeting in the middle, they started to talk. It was completely casual of course, Tony stood uncomfortably at the back of the group.
It was until Oli approached him, which caught me and Tony both off guard, even from this angle.
I didn't want to watch this anymore, seeing the two of them together, so close, it's like seeing my mistakes right in front of my face.
I threw the remnants of my cigarette on the floor and quickly stumbled back onto the bus.
There cannot possibly be a worst place to be in my position, on tour with the two, practically living with them.
In an attempt to calm down I paced to the back lounge, this was the most space I was going to get.
What the fuck have I done?
Moments later I heard the boys come in, great.
I figured I'd still have some time to myself, they still needed to clean up.

I put my phone on the dock nearby and shuffled my music, the sound playing faintly in the background. Then after what felt like a few minutes I had gotten lost in my head for over 20 minutes.
I realised that leaving my hands free wasn't a good idea. I grabbed my phone off of the dock and threw it across the sofa and stood up sharply.
Before I could do anything else, a now showered and changed Oli entered the room.
Usually when there's something on my mind or I'm hiding something I talk, right away to cover it up.
But before I could say anything his lips were on mine hungrily.
"It's been too long." He mumbled against my lips.
Fuck, this isn't what I needed right now. I had to go along with it..not even go along with it, I had to want it and enjoy it. Oli is my boyfriend I'm supposed to want him.
We backed up towards the wall, he tugged my shirt off before I hit it, so I did the same.
Running my hands down his body. I had missed his touch.

His lips wandered from mine to my neck.
"I want you now." He groaned, picking me up before I could object. In one swift motion he was on top of me.
I didn't want this.
"Chloe, I want you." I stayed silent and still, unable to speak.
"Didn't you hear me? I said I want you..." He mumbled against my skin, frustrated.
"Oliver..." I choked out. He moved to look at me. Obviously he took my speech in the wrong way as he reattached his lips to mine desperately.
"Oli...stop." I struggled under him. This was completely wrong.
"I said stop!" I cried, leaning up with all my might and pushing him off me, sending the tattooed boy to the floor. The tears pricked my eyes instantly and I didn't even try and stop them, I let them develop into sobs in seconds.
He was looking up at me in shock, and then what was either anger or hurt, maybe both.
"I-I'm sorry." I choked.
"Chloe, what the fuck?!" He replied from the floor.

"I can't do this.."
"Do what for fuck sake?!" I felt like my body was getting smaller and smaller and maybe I'd just disappear, which wouldn't be so bad right now.
"Chlo, you're scaring me...tell me what's wrong?!" He stood up.
"Oliver I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I repeated shakily.
I can't believe I had let my emotions get the better of me. There's no way I'd let this come out, which meant I had to get out. I headed straight for the door yet both quickly and sharply Oli had grabbed me, spun me round and slammed the door shut with my body.
"Talk." Instead I just sobbed.
"Talk! You haven't hurt me?! Chloe don't hurt me!"
He shook my body desperately, making me cry harder.
"I've been hurting you this entire time you just didn't know it!" I shouted, yet it came out more of a hysterical sob.
His eyes turned pained and frantic. He looked terrified, confused, hurt, lost, it killed me.
"What? What did you do? What've you done?!" He urged.

"You know when everyone told us you'd fuck this up? I fucked it up."
He shook his head.
"You could never." He mused, still shaking his head.
"Oliver, there's someone...I-" I realised I had no idea how I was going to tell him this. I didn't have a big speech planned out in my head, with a follow up to make it better. Because I had no intention of this coming out, which made me an even worse person.
"Someone...else?" I guess it was time to work up that speech now.
"Oli...I didn't mean for it too happen, I didn't come on tour to find...I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. I've fucked up and I betrayed you.
You don't deserve this, and I don't deserve you. But I love you and-"

"Who?" He cut me off.
"What?"
"You said on tour, so tell me who he fucking is!" He growled, growing angry. I didn't want him to know, I wanted to tell him that it would just make things worse, but I have no right to battle with him right now.
"Tony." I breathed weakly.
"Tony? Tony Perry?" I averted my gaze and nodded.
"You cheated on me with a friend of mine?! You fucking stupid bitch! You know he's just broke up with his girlfriend? You're nothing but a fucking rebound and a use!
Do you know how stupid this makes us both look!?" He screamed.
"Oli stop it! You're scaring me." I cried. His words, his demeanour, his eyes, his voice, it terrified me.

He didn't respond, he tore his eyes from mine and turned around, slamming both of his fists on the wall so hard I thought he would punch right through it as he screamed.
I'd never seen him like this, I cried as I could do nothing but watch.
He kicked and screamed as I cried for him to stop so I could explain myself, before he fell to his knees and his screams quietened to sobs.
I rushed to his side, interlacing his swollen fingers with mine and kissing them as I repeated the words,
'I'm sorry' over and over.
"Don't touch me. Just please, leave me alone." He cried, I could tell he was angry, yet he was weak.
I wanted to stay by his side and hold him and kiss him and tell him the whole story.
I didn't have an inkling of hope right now. I didn't deserve to be heard out.
Slowly I got up and walked to the door.
"I love you Oliver."
I slipped out of the back lounge, greeted with the confused and worried expressions of the guys. I heard Oli's sobs start up again moments later, which set me off.
I pushed past the guys and headed right for the door, I couldn't be here, I couldn't stay here.

It was as if the light slapped me in the face, it burned my eyes.
But it didn't stop me from running.
Then the one person, that always popped up at the worst time, that one fucking person.
"Chlo?" He mused, lifting my chin.
"Don't fucking touch me! Just shut up and leave me alone!" I cried.

"He knows..." He said instantly.
"Look, you figured me out once more! Well fucking done. I made a mistake, and I lost everything." I sobbed, pushing past him.
"Chloe!" He objected sternly.
"No!" I screamed, swinging for him and succeeding.
"That's all you fucking do isn't it?! Pull me right back in! That's all you've done this whole time! Well thankyou, because you ruined everything." His grip loosened on me without him even realising.

This time I didn't even look back to see if I'd hurt someone else too.