Always Anyways...

Dreams are all I have anymore...beautiful dreams. Sometimes I feel like I am addicted to them. Sometimes I think you are a dreamweaver. That you cast your spell over me, and I am swayed under willingly. I have fought very little against your magicks. I enjoy the dreams...I enjoy the fantasy that you weave. And when I start to awaken...when your magicks start to wear off, I begin to see my reality through the haze. The cold ugly reality and I don't like it very much. Which brings me crawling back to you each time, desperate and addicted.

You are my addiction...I know it, and I do nothing about it.

My latest dream...one I never expected to have and never expected to want. I dreamed that there was a small piece of you growing inside of me. A beautiful connection of you and me, something unexpected and amazing, something I never believed could happen to me. I was told it was impossible and would never be. The Mages told me so and I have always believed them. But I dreamed that perhaps just once, they would be wrong. That this would happen to me, and I would carry our love inside of me. I dreamed of having to tell you...and I dreamed of how it would cement our futures, forever entwined. I dreamed of how we would no longer wait because our paths would be clear. That we would finally combine our lives together because it would all seem so easy now. No one would cast doubt anymore, no one would question why. It would be obvious why and understood. Finally to be understood!

I dreamed of pressing against your chest, gazing up into your eyes, as you smiling down at me with your arm around me protectively. The news of what has happened surrounding us and pulling us close. And for some reason, my mind whispered that it would be a girl...a beautiful little pink girl and that everything would be right. I would be well and unharmed through it all and she would come perfect in every way.

Alas...every dream has a end. Even this one. But it was beautiful while it lasted. Our dream has always been beautiful...but my mind always wonders, how long until the end? How long until even this dream ends? Will it be mere moons....or will it be ages...



Satine:
I was a fool to believe
A fool to believe
It all ends today
Yes it all ends today

I feel like my heart is breaking. I feel like all I have wanted is slipping through my fingers. For weeks I have been living in your dream, in your fantasy world. I have been happily sipping the tainted tea and believing every word. But today I did not drink...and today my eyes are opened. I feel the bottom of my stomach, I feel the tingling in my skin, I feel the rush in my head and the pressure in my chest. I feel dizzy and sick all at the same time. I feel foolish and naive. I feel like I have learned nothing in my 30 years. I feel like desperately clinging to you and desperately running away at the same time. I am terrified and scared, and I am weepy and broken. I want to cry yet I want to be strong enough to not cry.

Zidler:
Another hero. Another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
On and on
Does anybody know
What we are living for
Whatever happens
We leave it all to chance
Another heartache
Another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know
What we are living for

I want you to love me in the way that I have dreamed of loving you. I wanted it all to be true, I started to get lost in your fantasy. I started to believe every word because I wanted to believe every word. I swore to myself I would not lose sight of what I knew was true....what my gut nags me about endlessly. It warns me over and over...is it just a fear or is it intuition? If its a fear, why will it not die? Why are there not enough words or promises to make it leave? Is it intuition...intuition cannot be silenced, it cannot be ignored. Will I finally see what I have feared is so?

My stomach lurches and it learns to be empty. Will my heart be this empty soon? Will I lose my King, only to lose the dream that has kept me afloat? You welcomed me into your Kingdom, you promised me a crown, you promised me your colors would now adorn a cloak down my back. You promised me a place at your side, a throne alongside yours, a place among your people, your other hand filled with my own. How easy I was to sway! How easy I way to deceive! Like a foolish country girl at the city market! Your slight of hand bedazzled me and I believed in magick.

Satine:
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

Yet even now I feel the unmistakable burning ache of my heart, as it is slowly torn from its other half. The tears overflow and run in hot waves down my face. The rush of my blood as it pours from my broken heart...it rushes hard against my ears. I do not believe I will survive losing a heart so recently repaired. I dont believe my hope will rise again this time. I do not think my mind can believe once again.

You gave me a precious gift...the gift of hope. You willed me to continue to believe. To continue to believe in the beauty of love, the preciousness of life that it holds. How the world shines brighter because of it, and the stars glitter just a little more! But I fear this is the final gasp...the last break that will be unrepairable. I do not think I can believe one more time. There will be no words or thoughts that will reach the distance my heart has traveled. There will be no deeds that can repair the shattered pieces of my heart I carry treasured inside a crystal box. There will never be a Prince that can ever reach them.

Instead I will whither and shrivel, I will lose the sight of color and wear a long jet black sweeping gown, I will cover my face with dark lace and become the one that the young maids whisper about. The crone, the dark one, the hater of all happiness, the witch. I will whisper to myself in a language that only I can understand. And I will be warped and twisted as time weighs down on me. As the loneliness and the solitude drag like weights from my feet.

I will remember that once....once upon a time...I had a beautiful dream. I will have but flashbacks and glimpse from this dream. It was a beautiful dream once...filled with a smiling queen, beautiful and happy....and a King, proud and strong, standing with unfaltering pride. With a happily ever after...