Always Anyways...

Under a barely lit sky, my King marched off from his castle. And as his Lady I have once again been left behind, alone. All those in attendance at the castle, little to large, lined up to see him ride off in all his glory and honor. As always, he bid me away with the fairest of words, the sweetest of intentions. As always, I will wear his crown and bear his colours. I am, of course, his Lady. Yet to me, they are only symbols. The feeling they once held has faded, drained away year after year. Those symbols are empty to me now. Nothing can cover up the sting of loneliness. There was a moment of sadness, a moment where I had the glimmer of the new wife I once was. A long smoldering sadness took flame and rose up from deep inside. And for a moment it surprised me when tears came. I waved as my king with his banners and men, armour reflecting in the sun, disappeared from view. As my eyes blinked away their image, loneliness took strong hold of me once again. That moment of sadness now turned toward myself. I felt the heaviness of my King's colours.

But as I walked from the castle doors, I felt another emotion start to rise with every step. I felt the fluttering of excitement as my thoughts turn to you. What I longed to do was order every servent in my command to go running in all directions of the sun and bring you to me. How that brought a smile to my face! But I did not. I know your time is full with duty and I know your time is precious.

We will have our quiet moments soon....and this time our quiet moments will be all that more special. For now, I sit alone in an empty castle, with the throne bare of its King. And in this solitude and silence, I can let myself fly. I can let myself dream and wonder, ponder and pretend. I can dream that my hair was adorned with another crown amongst it strands, that my colours were all together different. It all brings a smile to my lips as I wonder what it would be like to hear my footsteps in your hallways, or to hear your voice speaking my name as it echos among the stones. Or even to see a place set beside yours that was mine, only mine.

So I will wait...I will count the minutes and the hours. I will chide myself to be patient, for to the patient come all good things. I will wait now, wait to hear the sound of your horse. Oh how I know it well! I will feel my heartbeat increase at the very first beat on the road. I will smooth my skirts, and wave away the maids. When I hear those sweet footsteps in the hallway, my happiness will not be stopped. And there you will be, standing in the doorway with a smile that I long to see. Your eyes looking only into mine and it will be so hard to not give all my heart to you in that moment. It will be hard to stop myself from running to your arms and want to remain there forever.

I cannot...for I know you are not ready. As much as I might wish it, I do not see in your eyes that you are. There is much in the way, many obstacles and duties to overcome. One day...mayhaps...but it will not be these precious days. I will bide my time and fill them with dreams. I will enjoy these dream filled days, and play pretend like a young girl again. I will enjoy letting my thoughts be of only you, no other distractions or demands. I will let myself be only for you, and when your duties are fulfilled, and your time is your own, there I will be. Only for you...all my heart and mind, only for you. Everything I possess will be consumed by you.

How I have waited for these days...How I have longed for these days. The days where I can pretend to truly be yours and there will be no others to counter this dream. I can possess it both adream and awake. It will take shape and body and for the briefest of days. It will nearly be real.

I have but one fear, how will I ever give it up?