Always Anyways...

The full heat of the summer is here. The air is always sweet of flowers and blooming fields. Life is easy for all as the days and nights are gentle, and the only concerns are running from rain clouds.

My Lady Ruth finds herself happy with smiles coming easily again. The darkness is so far away for her, and I am glad for it. But I have seen summers like this before, just as the sweetness and warmth does not last, neither does this spell of peace. Her Lord will return and life will once again close in. I try so hard to keep these thoughts to myself, and many times I am able to gladly smile and dance on command for my Lady. There are even times that her happiness is infectious and I find myself forgetting for a day. Yet the darkness never leaves me in peace for long. Perhaps I am cursed, mayhaps I am twisted and broken. The darkness can sneak up on me and overtake me when I least expect it. Those are the times it feels far worst then when it all first happened.

Yesterday the heat was almost suffering. We dined on chilled fruits and light wines because anything else was too much. To everyone's luck, a storm rolled across the fields in the evening, and brought a refreshing rain. That night when I finally rested my head, I listened to the distant soft rumble of thunder as a breeze swirled through my open windows and cooled my skin. However at the same time, it reminded me of how small my chamber can be. How oppressive it can feel! At times, I yearn to be free...free of all of this. Of the burdens I carry, of the nightmares, of my station and my crown. I yearn to be free, soaring on a breeze such as this. The breeze carried such a wonderful feeling that I wanted to be standing in the middle of it all, surrounded by it.

All this time I have kept my promise to Sire Taggart, and have not gone riding at night. I vowed to be a woman of my word, even to him, but the desire to feel free tugged at me strongly. I wrapped myself in a light cloak, and rushed from my chamber not even wearing shoes. Once I slipped out of the castle, the stones brought a wave of coolness to my skin as I skipped across them. I wound my way through the gardens until the outer castle wall was in front of me. The back walls of the castle were always quieter, and I had hope it would be a place I could be alone. As I moved up each step, I found my gait getting lighter. I had never done this at Lord Tiernan's castle and I felt a certain freedom as the breeze caught my loose hair and blew it about my shoulders. I padded along until I came to spot where I could just make out trees dancing in the fields. I stopped, and let the wind take hold of my hair and my cloak. It caressed my skin, refreshing both my mind and my body. My eyes slowly closed and I let the feeling take over. My body began to relax, and the darkness in my mind was slowly swept away by the breeze. Peace returned to me, and I felt my chest finally ease. It was such a wonderful feeling, and I could almost imagine myself in the middle of a wide open field.

My eyes opened back up at one point, and I watched at the edge of my sight as the trees gently moved in the distance. It is hard to know what made me turn, perhaps I felt his presence. But when I did, I saw him leaning against the stairway arch, arms folded, just watching me calmly. A sword hung at his side, which struck me a little odd. I have never seen Taggart wearing a sword before, as he has always dressed as a farrier. Tonight, he was wearing darkly tanned leathers, with no cloak, and high boots on his feet. I blinked at him and he made no gesture toward me when our eyes finally met. A smile came across my lips, and I stepped toward him slowly. As I grew closer, he stood up, just taking in my form. "Princess..." he nodded to me. I blinked back at him, "My Lord...." Taggart smirked a little, and responded quite quickly, "I am no Lord my Princess." I stopped still at his response for if I did not already trust him, and know my brother had chosen him personally, it would have awoken a sense of fear. I responded simply, "I do not understand." Taggart's hand rested on his hilt, "I am not a Lord my Princess, nor am I a knight." The expression on my face must have been clear, for he snickered a little before looking down. It was not in a disrespectful way but more in spite of himself. I could tell there would be no more elaboration and I started to realize that Taggart had a very different role for my brother. One that Nicolito does not always share with his sister.

He recovered and looked back up to meet my eyes, "Do not let me disturb you, but these back walls are often too quiet and too remote for my tastes." I shook my head, "You did not disturb me, in fact I was glad to see you here." His eyes did not move from mine and a silence fell between us for a long moment. I refused to break it, and it was Taggart who was forced to speak first, always working the job my brother has entrusted in him. "My Princess, I ask you to think more carefully when you leave the castle. This is not the royal castle, and these men do not serve you. A young guard would be pleased to see you like this." His head motioned to how I was informally dressed. I have become used to Taggart's concerns over me so I conceded to him which has become my way. I did not even make excuses for myself anymore. I think he was more surprised by my enduring silence and continued, "I apologize my Princess I do not mean to speak beyond my place. I simply wish to fulfill your brother's wishes." I blinked back at him, "And I do not make that easy...I push you to the edge of your abilities." When I spoke his own words back at him, he smiled, "No, you challenge me my Princess." He paused there for a moment, as his voice softened, "And as your brother knows, I live for a challenge."

It was a rare moment and the only time I can remember him speaking of himself. Perhaps I was feeling bold, perhaps curiosity overtook me. But I could not help what escaped my lips next. "You came to me when I was ill...each night. I remember you there through my sickness." With a man as stoic as him, I have learned to always watch his eyes. There was a subtle flash there that always gives him away. Yet despite how surprised I know he was, he did not react. As always Taggart remained still and ever so controlled. "Aye...I did. So that I could keep your brother informed." While that was certainly true, I remember how he caressed my head, and soothed me with his words. I would not make it easy for him tonight either, "I remembered how you soothed me both with your words and your gentle touch. It brought me great comfort." He avoided addressing either point, "You were in a great deal of pain my Princess." I just nodded, "Indeed I was...." My voice trailed off but Taggart remained before me like an unmoving wall. I knew what I remembered, and it was simply beyond the place of my brother's orders. It came from a place within himself, perhaps a well hidden place. However our silence returned, and I knew he would not speak more of this. He would remain a mystery tonight. I resigned myself to this fact before quietly walking back down the steps, leaving the wall. I know he followed me from the wall yet once I reached the edge of the gardens, I turned back to realize that Taggart was no longer behind me.

That night as I returned to my bed, I wondered about this man. He was my brother's trusted man who could very well be my brother's assassin yet he was my angel of darkness. I uncovered a kindness deeply hidden away and I could not deny that I missed him. While my angel of darkness had a name, there was no less a mystery.