Always Anyways...

There are moments like this that I feel torn, that I battle with duality. In my old life, if I was to be the guest of a Lord for dinner, my maids would be bustling around me like little birds. Preparing my gown, fussing with my hair, and polishing my jewelry to sparkle just so. In my new life, it would be I who would bustle around like a little bird, seeing to silverware, and clothes for the table, checking with the kitchen to check that the meal is prepared to my lady's exact standards. But yet neither was happening as I sat quietly in my own tent, only sounds were the subtle shift of guards outside the tent and the gentle crackle of an open fire in front of me. I was dressed in the only other gown I own, simple black taffeta, durable, warm, soft yet rich enough to be worthy my station. I no longer wear jewelry except for Nicolito's necklace which I keep carefully tucked in my bodice, no crown, no fancy hair designs but only simply braids twisted up with small ties.

My life has become one of sheer simplicity and there is a certain comfort in that. Yet at that moment, I somehow felt less worthy of Lord Gannon's time. By title I am a Princess, but that station has been taken from me. Who am I now? Am I a mere nameless nobility with no real worth? My thoughts flip-flopped back and forth as the fire waxed and waned, and as the sun slowly started to dip below the tent line, then soon the horizon. Not able to shake the feeling that something should be done, I found my fingers fiddling with my hair, rebraiding parts that have become loose, working on feel without a proper mirror. I carefully stood up, and smoothed out my skirts, picking off small pieces of grass, and rubbing off smudges of dirt on the bottom cuffs.

Lord Kenrick has been noticeably absent, and I can only assume he is attending to duties for my brother, or arrangements on my behalf. However as the skylight began to dim, he was the one who ducked into my tent. "My Princess, Lord Gannon's squire is here to bring you to your dinner with his Lord. Are you prepared?" I turned toward him and smiled, "Of course. Thank you my Lord" His eyes avoided mine as he bowed somewhat formally and followed me out of the tent.

It was a quiet walk through the encampment, as my older brother's men seem to have settled in for a quiet night in camp. Then Lord Gannon's tent appeared in front of me and I felt a flutter in my stomach as I ducked inside. Before me in the main portion of the tent was a small table with two chairs next to the fire pit. There were candles, plates, goblets and the warm comforting smell of roasted meat. Lord Gannon was already seated and was informally dressed in a tunic and leather pants. "Welcome Princess Jane...it is indeed an honor to have you at my table. Pardon my rudeness for not getting up but the camp surgeon gave me specific instructions to move as little as possible." I bowed formally before him, as I took my seat with the help of his squire. "It is I who am honored to be a guest at your impressive table. This is all so very....unexpected Lord Gannon." He chuckled a little in spite of himself, "Well perhaps I commandeered a few extras from your brother's supply but it seems it came with ease when I mention the name of the Princess. I was even told that the roasted fowl was caught just this morning. I hope you enjoy it." I looked down at the steaming plate in front of me, "It looks delicious Lord Gannon, I thank you." We enjoyed our meal together, as Lord Gannon told me of his lands, and how they are prospering after a particularly good harvest and some successful trades. I quietly listened as I asked questions, curious about the details of the other lands in my father's control. I am embarrassed to admit that I know so little about them, basic details at most. But when I was married to my former King at 16, I went away to his foreign lands and quickly lost touch with those lands of my own Father.

Our meal was thoroughly enjoyed, and even the wine was surprisingly hardy and filling. The plates were removed and it gave us a chance to truly have a conversation. There was but one question that was on my lips, and I finally felt it was the right time to ask it. "Lord Gannon, about that night...." I started slowly. He lowered down his goblet and turned his eyes toward me, "Yes my Princess." I smiled at him sadly, "You helped me gain entrance despite the dangers that you knew were inside." He nodded simply, "Indeed I did." I tilted my head, "But why? It has always baffled me." He leaned forward sightly toward me, "I did it because I knew it was important to you. Because I knew it was what was in your heart and your mind. The idea of protecting your Lady possessed you and to serve you meant to aid you in anyway I could. Even if that meant I would have to follow you into the darkness." I was touched by his devotion, the genuine sentiment that came from his heart. As a Princess I am used to servants and soldiers having to follow my orders blindly, but this was so very different. This was personal.

I searched his eyes in the silence that followed his answer and he allowed me this indulgence. He lowered his voice quietly as his hand gently reached out and covered my own, "I have but one regret....only one." He sighed carefully, "That I was not able to follow you close enough to protect you. That you were harmed because of my hesitation." I quickly shook my head, "No, do not think that. Never say that my Lord" He curled his fingers around my hand, "I remember the sound of you shouting at him with such determination, followed by the crack of a whip, the sight of him dragging you by the hair. The fight in your eyes...I have never seen such conviction before. I was in awe." I lowered my eyes, embarrassed because I felt so unworthy of his words. He reached out and lifted up my chin, his eyes ever closer to mine. "I have watched you far longer then you realize. Your eyes did not see me, but I saw you. You are an amazing woman, and your king was unworthy of you. I believe that many men are greatly unworthy of a woman like you." I felt my skin hot under his touch. Again his devotion and sincerity truly shocked me. There were many questions in my mouth, but yet none came out. His thumb gently rubbed my cheek, "I am sorry I could not serve you better Princess Jane." That caused me to look back up at him, "There is nothing to forgive my Lord" I whispered. Our moment was tender and I was truly touched by his beliefs in me. It has been so long since someone saw my true heart. I did not wish to move so I did not, only the crackling of the fire and the rustle of the men outside filled the air as we fell silent so close together. My hand slowly slid up his arm, pressing his hand tighter against my cheek, as I leaned into him. His hands were rough from swordplay but large and warm. I saw him smile before I allowed my eyes to drift close and enjoy the moment.

I do not know what brought him inside, but as I heard the tent flap move, Lord Gannon forced himself to stand up, his hand dropping as he distanced himself more respectfully. "Cousin!" I heard him clime cheerfully, "Come! Join us in a goblet of wine!" I looked up as he waved his squire to bring more. Lord Kenrick looked between his cousin and me before walking over to the table, "I must refuse good cousin, I have the duty of protecting the Princess tonight." Lord Gannon nodded, "Of course, how foolish of me to offer. It is a duty of utmost importance." He said smiling down at me. I raised my gaze to him and could only smile back. Lord Kenrick continued, "If your meal is completed, I would like to have the Princess secure before the next change of watch. I do not want to risk anyone slipping through into the camp." Lord Gannon nods, "Of course of course," he finished off his own goblet, "Then I bid you a good night Princess Jane....and a pleasant sleep. Again you honor this humble servant of the Kingdom with your presence." I finally stood up and nodded to him, "It is our kingdom that is honored to have such a loyal and devoted knight to its lands. Your service will not ever be forgotten." He bows slightly, only to wince from the effort. His squire rushed forward to help him stay on his feet. "Thank you for such kind words." He murmured before being helped away. I turned toward Lord Kenrick, only to find his eyes trained solidly on his cousin. He paused there before motioning to me, "This way my Princess." Lord Kenrick led me back to my tent, which I found warm with fire and prepared for me, "I bid you a good night." He said coolly before closing the tent flap behind me.

That night I slept peacefully and well, still feeling the tingle on my cheek of where Lord Gannon had touched me. It was a welcomed and warming feeling.