Always Anyways...

It was a long night where dark dreams haunted my sleep. Each gust of wind would rouse me and I tossed near the fire, never fully warmed due to the wind. But as the sun rose, the winds began to die and I managed to get a few hours of sleep before one of my knights brought some warmed food into my tent. I thanked him quietly as I tried to get my mind to comprehend my situation of late. It was later then normal, but I eventually found myself in the medical tent, as I have come to hate having idle hands. I cleaned men and prepared bandages, whatever mindless chore could keep my thoughts from focusing on what was only a few hundred yards away from me. Eventually however, the nun in charge came to me with the usual bowl of clean water and bandages for Lord Gannon. I smiled at her sadly and took it without question. Despite the information I learned from Lord Kenrick, I was still determined to serve my brother's men with honour.

When I stepped into Lord Gannon's tent, his squire looked surprised to see me. He quickly pulled back the flap and helped me into Lord Gannon's sleeping section. To my surprise, Lord Gannon was out of bed and on his feet, attempting to dress himself. "My Lord!" I said unable to stop my surprise. "Princess!" he said nearly at the same time, as he immediately walked toward me. I was frozen and unable to move as he took the bowl of water and bandages from my hands. "I thought you would not come today...or ever again. Please....Please listen to my words!" He pleaded as he took me by the shoulders. I was shocked and remained frozen where I stood. He continued, softening his grip when he realized I was not trying to push him away. "My wife...she was chosen by my father. A good match for a healthy trade. You were already married to your King, and had been gone for years. I was beginning to forget the shape of your face...despite how I visited your portrait daily." His words were expected yet surprising all at once. What was Lord Gannon trying to say to me? My eyes squeezed closed as my mind attempting to keep pace. "I do not have feelings for her...I never did. But my family needs a male heir, my father needs to see our line continue. She is a good enough wife, but she pales in comparison of you. No one could ever reach the heights that you are able to reach in my mind. Your strength...your...." I put up my hand quickly, unable to hear another word. My mind simply could not keep up and was struggling, overloaded and lost. "Stop....please stop." I murmured, my voice echoing in agony despite how much I did not realize it.

Lord Gannon paused, but it did not help. His words went round and round in my mind like a spinning top and still they did not make any more sense then before. Weakly I finally spoke, "I do not understand" and looked up into his eyes finally. His hands moved from my shoulders to my cheeks, holding my face there tenderly, "Do you not know? Did you never know?" I just blinked back without a single idea and my face must have shown it. "Jane...my father knew my heart and attempted to offer your father a proper dowry years ago. Your father would not accept it. You were destined to be a Queen, not just a Lady. My title would never have been good enough to be a worthy match. Were you not told? Did you not know??" I mustered enough strength to shake my head against his hands. "Never?!" he says incredulous. "Never," I whispered back.

He hung his head slightly before pressing his forehead against mine. "I thought all these years....I thought...." he untangled himself from me and sunk down onto his cot. I remained where he left me, still frozen and unable to understand how this all happened and I was the last to know. There was only one set of words that rose to my lips and they were the once that escaped, "You have a wife....and soon a son." He just nodded and lowered his head into his hands without uttering a word. And there we remained for what felt like an eternity. Me standing with my skirts hanging heavy, and Lord Gannon crumbled holding a body wounded in many ways. I reeled at the moment that unraveled so unexpectedly before me. Slowly some of Lord Gannon's words made more sense...his phrasing and his requests. He has loved me since I was a young girl, and since there was no hope of marrying someone with the crown of a Princess. And all these years, I had no idea such a man waited and longed for me.

In absence of words, with hands itching from idleness, my feet did the work. Slowly I turned and began to leave the tent. Lord Gannon made no attempt to stop me. I walked right past my guards who were surprised to see me leaving the tent so soon. "My Princess?" they hurried after me, curious as to my destination. I said nothing as I walked back aimlessly toward my own simple tent. Lord Kenrick came across us walking and was surprised. "What is wrong?? What is happened??" He said to the knights more then me. No one answered because no one had an answer. I walked into the tent and simply sunk down at the fires. Lord Kenrick hurried after me, "My Princess are you ill? Are you not well? Is there bad news?" I could barely find my own voice, "Allow no one into this tent save yourself. Not your cousin, or his squire or men. No one." Lord Kenrick's eyes lowered, "Yes my Princess, as you wish."

His word was true and the rest of the day I saw only Lord Kenrick and no one else. Suddenly I missed my small room at Lord Tiernan's castle and wanted nothing more then to return there to my chores. To polishing silver, and overseeing sewing and the kitchen. To mindless bible readings and endless embroidery. To the simple pleasures of my Lady Ruth and to leave all of this behind me. Perhaps my brother is right, my father would have been better served if I was sent to a nunnery. I closed my eyes in the darkness and hoped only for a night of peace and a quick exit from this place.