Always Anyways...

Oh the surge in my heart!! Each time I know we can have the time together we both want. That we can speak freely and openly. These past days have been deeply treasured. Each day I lock them away in a tiny portion of my heart to carry with me always. Oh how sweet these days! Two days ago, you came to me at night, whispering the words of a poet in my ear, words written by your own hand of how it feels to be you and I. When you whispered them, your voice raising at the right moments, it was as beautiful as a song. Words that I can never forget. You come to me with faithfulness, no matter what the days duties have taken from you. I watched as your eyes drifted closed despite your desperation to spend one more minute with me. How could I ever deny you? No matter how short the night, it is no less precious. I bid you anight only to lay my head back down, knowing that you were closing your eyes under the same stars. And those stars kept us connected, kept us near each other, help find your way back to me.

The king sends messages, sends his envoys with scrolls adorned, bright and beautiful. Their words are no less spoken, stringing together sentences that are worthy of being from a King. But they are empty and hollow to me. The messenger speaks with such fervor and effort. But are nothing more then blank words on a beautifully crafted paper. I listen because it is my duty to do so, and I send back words no less worthy of being said to a King. But it aches at my heart, it pulls in uncomfortable ways, because my heart knows I demand it to lie. The poor pitied creature, being poked in his tiny cage and being asked to perform at will. Yet at the same time, deep in its nest, hiding away and protecting such beautiful delicate treasures of you. I ask nearly too much of it.

And then, I ask even more. How the creature suffers, each day! Last night as you came to me and I could feel a bad air, a stirring of something I could not know yet. I paced and fretted until you made your way to my doorway once again. That is when I saw it, I saw the scroll in your hand. Nay, not the delicate scroll that bore your sweet words. But a scroll once sealed in wax and wrapped in a rich satin ribbon. A scroll that surely bore all the importance of such expensive trappings. I saw a glimpse of sadness as you looked down, and spoke of this scroll. You spoke not to your Lady of the castle, but to the one who shares your heart. Your duties were calling you away from me too. Away from this castle, away from these lands. That as of tomorrow, you must ride away to address these duties with your banner flying in front and your sword hanging at your side. You told me there is no need to worry, that your sword will remained sharpened and dark in his bindings. I felt my heart struggle to keep its pace as I sunk into a nearby chair. I felt weak for a moment. Am I to be without my King and you? Am I to once again be cast into the utter silence alone?

For I hear the advisors of my King, there is troubles brewing so near to the lands. The advisors carry on as they always do in my King's absence, making arrangements and seeing to necessary supplies. They see that my King's knights are in place and the Castle is sound. But when I ask of the Castle they tell me not to worry. They smile too quickly as they murmur, "All is well, my Lady." They call forth again the envoys of my King. The messengers speak again of my King's return, but do I trust them? Do I trust their words that I otherwise deem so empty and penniless. Do I trust He will truly return on time to take care of his Lady? These troubles seemed at such a distance when your footsteps were on this soil, but as they go elsewhere, the troubles sneak ever closer to my door. What will these coming days hold for me? Will I return to such well known suffering? Am I to once again feel such familiar pain and now be without the salve that soothes them? Am I to once again crawl back into my very familiar prison with a smile? Oh how my heart struggles to this task.

You promise me nearly every possible moment. Already last night you gave me every tiny second before stepping from my reach. It was no less sweet and endearing then each time we had together this week. And I believe when you tell me that tonight will be ever more precious. The last piece to my treasured collection of you. Last night, you promised to send servants to make all the final arrangements that I might have you near me until the moment your horse's hoof must meet the road. You offered me a personal messenger, that he might whisk away any words that are deemed of utmost importance. You are leaving this stealthy messenger with one of your fastest horses, just in case the troubles reach my valued doorway. He will know the straightest way to your side and your steps will hasten back to me. You will even dispatch soldiers to my side if I so desperately call for you, regardless of my King's attempts. You would be willing to risk your duties and your position in front of the King for me. The comfort from those words is small, but it is a comfort none the less. For I know the earnestness and sincerity of them, and how I pray that these troubles do not come to that. I pray that these troubles are not left to be bore on my shoulders alone. That I must not make decisions alone for the Castle.

Because my decisions would be quite different...my decisions would be to travel away at your side in a carriage bearing your colours. That gilded carriage would bring me to the safety of your halls, while each one of your men would guard me with their final drop of blood in your name. Does my King offer me any less? Nay...he does not. Yet............

My words fail me............

Yet.............He is not my heart's echo. For my King, it is duty and honour. Love is so very far away from it all. To Him, I am important but not precious. To you I am precious, which makes me important. How words can be so very tricky! My King loves me from his duty and sworn words. You love me because of the match of our hearts, the connection that no words can conjure....it simply is. No one can conjure the sun and say, "Look, see what I have made! It is beautiful and it is mine. So therefore I will love it." One sees the sun and says, "Oh, how I am drawn to you and I wish to never be without your beauty in my life. When you leave, I will wait and love ever more when you come back again." How there is such a difference, it is as wide as a canyon and as deep as the oceans.

This day bears such jarring emotions...I fear if my valued heart can bear it. Will it beat as you ride away from my, slipping your hand from mind? Will it beat for my King's return with his banners flying high? Will the creature suffer in the absence of your light? Or will it suffer under the weight of bearing such falsities for Him?

I worried how this time together would end, and if I would be able to see it through. I fear it again...

All I can have is hope. I must believe in hope and love....they are unable to ever be banished.