Always Anyways...

How I am not proud of myself...how I was nearly a little maid crying at your feet! I swore I would be stronger, I thought I was stronger. The feelings overwhelmed me and took my strength. You strode across the court chamber and I felt the breath leave my chest. The panic gripped me about the neck as I saw you in your chest plate, and cloak around your shoulders, and I flashed back to so many before you. So many that were stained dark with their own blood from the battlefield. So many that I had seen carried home over their horse with no hope of recovery. Their bodies damaged beyond recognition. Oh my sweet heart was torn asunder! My precious love, how would I endure this world without you again! The realization of this possibility stuck such a chord of terror in my heart that I thought indeed it would stop beating. It was all I could do to carry myself from that place, into my private chambers.

When I sent my maid for you, with the strictest of confidence to speak never above a whisper in your ear, you came. You came with such worry, for I had not needed to be such a desperate creature before. You wrapped me up, spoke soothingly into my ear and I felt you envelop me completely. My cheeks burned with both the tears and the embarrassment of them. What sort of Lady succumbs to such a sway of emotions? But you came, and you were with me. You rocked me in your comfort so that I would slowly calm and not be sickened by my fears. You coaxed the terrible words from my lips, so that I might feel a release of this poison. It was then I spoke of how I feared some unforeseen evil could so quickly wipe you from this earth. When it did, I would never know this had happened as I am not your Lady. For I know that poison would spread so viciously inside me, until I was twisted and broken apart, doomed to forever search again and again for you. How sweetly my fears can lie in my ears!

But no, you quickly banished them away. You told me of your family's chest, with all of the most important of papers, seals and treasures. How among those scrolls was already one bearing my name. It was one of the scrolls to be dispatched immediately upon your death regardless of circumstance. In that scroll would be your final words to me, your words of our love and how much our love was treasured. It would bring only answers, but certainly not peace. But answers to at least remove the poison inside of me. You bid me to not think of it now...for you will fight to see that I am not left apart from you.

Never once did you make me feel foolish for my fears, you spoke only of concern for me. You spoke of different fears, your fears that rose up in your chest of what this sweet maid's message could mean. You spoke of how you were prepared to squire me away under the darkness of night, afraid that my King had discovered my true heart and was to be rid of me. You reassured me how you would prepare your halls for my arrival, and everything would be well very soon as I came finally into your lands and into your arms. It was then I believe that all my worries started to fade away at the thought of your wishes. That without question you immediately think only of my well being, only of my care. That you valued me so precious to hasten such arrangements so that I would not want, even for a moment. Not even in your death.

And you continued to speak, acting with such calm as to invite it into the room. You soothed my aching chest with more sweet words and again I treasured every one. The calm took root, and began to spread inside of me. We laughed and my head fell lightly against your chest as I did. Our laughter was like our own music. As always, time is but a liar....it is long when it wishes, but oh so short when it does not. How quickly the time came that you were to leave and see after your duties. There was a moment I nearly begged, but it was quickly hushed.

"Faith....Faith in this...faith in the love...believe and have faith," my heart whispered to me. My heart who holds so many of your treasures.

So much of our time we are separated, and every time you return to me. How much sweeter those days are after feeling your absence! How sweeter your words and more treasured our time! Faith....yes....I will have faith. Faith that your duties are but brief, and soon you will return to me. Faith that your duties are important, but that I have as important place in your mind and heart as well. Faith that the stars will continue to shine and connect us together, even if I cannot see them. Faith that no distance can weaken our connection and love between us. Why do fears remain...why do they still have such power?? My fears should never conquer my faith. Nay, they shall never conquer my faith again.

I will grip that small piece of your colours tightly in my hand, and it will remind me of us. Of our unmatched and unparalleled connection. How it has evolved into a love that is true...there is not a day this week you did not tell me it is so. So there is no place for fears anymore now.

Your heart is safe inside mine, and mine inside yours. We carry them together safe and treasured. Soon you will return to me, and I will wait. How I will smile to see your banner over the hill again! Nothing will stop it! Be well my love, my Lord. You have always been worth waiting for....