Always Anyways...

The next week was a blur and all I know was that Kenrick was at my side each day. Each night I would cry myself to sleep holding Gannon's medallion in my hand. My return began the first day with a grand feast for my Father's royal court and any Lords in residence at the castle. The maids who were assigned to attend me, brought out dresses I wore when I was married to my former King. They were all too large on me, and had to be quickly tailored to fit my tiny waist. It was surprising even to me, to see the toll my captivity had on my mind and body. The gowns felt awkward on my body and ostentatious in selection. But I knew my Father wanted to see me in all my finery at the feast that night. So I wore what was needed to make him happy, complete with my crown entwined in my hair. I was certainly the guest of honour, seated at the left side of my Father, the place my mother once held. To my Father's right, my brothers who were still in the castle were seated in order of succession to the throne. At my request, Lord Kenrick was seated to my left, for I felt he was the only true friend I had in the castle who was glad to see me returned safe and sound. After my Father's grand toast, thanking God for my safe return to his side and announcing me as Princess Regent of the castle, the feast began along with musicians and performers.

My Father happily drank his best wine while chatting with my brothers and endless Lords about political treaties and trade agreements with earnestness. I quietly ate my meal, watching the constant buzzing around me with uncertainty. It did not escape my notice how eyes would glare at me while lips whispered quietly. Every inch of me was being studied, from my gown and shoes, the jewels around my neck and wrists, my crown, the curls of my hair to the roughness of my hands, the bruises fading from my face and arms, the slight yellow pallor of my skin and the bones that pressed out from underneath. There were also particular faces that did only look at me with disdain or displeasure, but with growing resentment and anger. Those came from Lady Celeste and her sister Lady Adelle. In fact, I was surprised they even attended my Welcoming Feast. But then I realized they were there because of Kenrick, for they watched over him like vicious hens who would attack the moment you attempted to take their prize egg. It became clear to me that I would never have forgiveness from them. I looked in their direction only once, before shamefully lowering my eyes down to my cup of wine. I deserved their hatred, for I took something so precious from this world. It also did not escape my notice who was not in attendance, Gannon's wife, who I finally learned was named Lady Kelley, and hailed from the Northern Isles. Lord Kenrick did not seem to notice his family's venom during the feast, but also never strayed from my side. He chatted idly with Lords who would approach him, and ask about the skirmishes and other such military matters. But Kenrick's eyes would always dart toward me, silently checking on my current demeanor. A few times our eyes would meet, and I would respond with a gentle smile. Yet all I wanted, was for this night to be over and to finally be left alone in my chambers in peace. I knew that having the position as Princess Regent was going to be more difficult then my Father realized, for I had hurdles to cross that he did not seem to consider. Regardless, when I rested my head that night, I was more determined then ever to see right being done to my new position.

Each day ticked closer and closer to Gannon's funeral, and I did not think I could bear the thought of his body being so far underground, cold and dark without any touch of those who loved him. The days seemed endless until his funeral, and each day the thought of it approaching edged me closer toward being more then I could bear. Yet due to my new position in the castle, it fell in my control to see over the arrangements for his funeral. It was an odd blessing I did not see ahead of time, but one I took with complete somber honour. I saw that every detail of a royal funeral was prepared to painstaking exactness, including the building of his crypt. With Kenrick's help I saw that every wish and specific want of his family was honoured without question. All of it was completed by the best artisans my father's city had to offer, paying top coin that it was done exactly as required and on time. Kenrick and I worked well together on this, him serving as my emissary to people that certainly would never welcome my presence. Yet at the same time I knew he did this under discord as his family had not come to accept his position as my Privy Councillor with ease. He spared me from all this and would return with any information we needed to continue.

When time allowed, I would sit with my Father's advisers, as they would lecture and present to me all the knowledge I would need to complete my job as Princess Regent. The hours would be filled with endless lists of figures and accounts, schedules and supply orders, introductions of more names then I could ever remember, complete with explanations that would blur together in my mind. At times I swore they presented more information then was possible for one person to ever absorb and despite my throbbing head, I would always push on. It would invariably be Kenrick who would find a point to end these meetings, with a reason that this was a place to stop for the day. He would gather any scrolls or writings from their daily lectures, and each day sought to organize them in a manner that would allow us to recall them when needed. It never escaped my notice that Kenrick was equally concerned over me as he was the state of the castle.

It was a dark evening, when we finally stopped for the day and I dropped my head into my hands. My eyes were blurry with accounting reports of the castle expenses, including recommendations of increases or deductions to these expenses that I had not even fully grasped yet. Kenrick was sorting each page when I murmured, “I know what you are doing....each day. I marvel at it.” He stopped with the papers and turned toward me, “What I am doing? I do not understand Jane.” I looked up at him wearily, “You always know when my limits are reached and you find a reason to stop the meetings.” He smiled knowingly as if he had been caught with a delicious secret, “Perhaps I do.” he admitted. I nodded slightly as I saw my head lady servent, a young reasonable girl named Jess, lingering in the doorway. My mind wandered for a moment, curious how she had come to be chosen but there was so much more I needed to understand first. She awaited permission to enter and clearly needed to speak with me, but I held up my hand making her wait. After my long pause, I looked back at Kenrick, “How do you know?” Once again Kenrick was confused, “Know what Jane?” I smiled sadly, “Know when I cannot bear any thing more?” He stopped organizing and walked over in front of me, answering softly, “Simple, I watch your eyes. I have become quite skilled at reading them.” I nodded again, “Indeed...you have.”

I did not have time to ponder this through my throbbing mind as he offered out his hand to me, “Come and rest for a moment Jane. I will have dinner brought in here for you so you can rest. We have been working all day long.” I took his hand and slowly stood back on my feet. Only then did I realized how sore my back was, and it traveled all the way up into the base of my neck, feeling as if I was made of one solid piece of unyielding wood. We retreated into my private sitting rooms, and Jess carefully followed after us. Before she could speak, Kenrick laid down his orders, “The Princess in exhausted and has had an terribly long day. Please see that a welcomed tray of hot food is brought up along with some wine.” Jess bowed to him, “Yes my Lord, but...but I must speak with Princess about matters for tomorrow.” Despite how long I had been sitting that day, my knees weakened and I sunk straight into a chair at the fires, “Tomorrow....” I heard myself whisper. Jess lowered her voice a little, “Tomorrow is the funeral my Princess. And we have finally finished your mourning gown. The tailor is anxious to make sure its just right for you tomorrow.” Kenrick spoke up, “After dinner, he can wait.” I shook my head, “No...no, he deserves to eat dinner with his family as well tonight. I will see him now, send him in.” I laid my hand on Kenrick's arm as he watched me wearily walk over to my dressing room.

The gown was of the finest silk, died the blackest I have ever seen, yet had a shine to the material that nearly matched the night's sky. Despite how I fought to avoid it, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as they fussed over an edge of lace. My mind slipped and wondered if Gannon would find this dress beautiful. A soft cry escape my lips as the reality of tomorrow sunk in. Jess looked up at me concerned, “We are done my Princess,” she said worried and they both hurried to take the dress off my body. I did not even wait to be redressed and I ran into my private chamber, fighting back tears. I did not want Kenrick to see me so distraught, for I knew he was battling his own grief. I was allowed a few minute of tears before I heard Jess's soft voice in my ear, “Princess Jane, please let me dress you before you catch ill.” I nodded numbly to her and she quickly helped me redress in a simple soft nightdress. She looked up at me sadly, “Is there anything else you need before I fetch your dinner?” I shook my head before coming back out to my sitting room. I noticed Kenrick was no longer there, and I knelt down at the fire. In vain, I wished for a great many things. For Taggart to come through my doors, rub my back and comfort me with a single touch...For Gannon's death to be a nightmare...For my life to be so very different...yet none of these were possible.

Soon I heard my doors open, and the rattling of a dinner tray coming in. I did not lift my eyes from the fire until I heard the voice. “Come child, you need to eat. You are still so small.” The voice was not of my young Jess, but one filled with the years of experience. I spun quickly to see Madge standing there, fresh from the road, and Kenrick at the doorway with wide expectant eyes. I rushed to my feet and ran to her, as she opened her arms wide and hugged me tight, “Come now, it has not been more then two weeks since you've seen me. And I can tell you are still not eating right!” Tears seeped from my eyes, “How...How...” I could not even put my shock into words, but Madge smiled, “Your Lord is a very insistent man, and determined to get what he wants. Seems he feels I am needed around here, despite the great many people who attend you. Claims there is something special about me, and that you needed me. He flattered my husband enough into letting me travel all the way to the castle. So here I am! Come now, sit, and I want to see you eat all this fine food!” I looked toward Kenrick who just stood there, resting his hand on his hilt as he watched our reunion. I found myself running to him next, and throwing my arms around him too. Kenrick was surprised but welcomed my embrace, returning it. “I knew you needed her Jane for a great many things that could not be named. I arranged for her to come before we left camp.” He murmured to me as he held me carefully. I looked up into his eyes as tears poured down my face, “Thank you Kenrick, Thank you!” I whispered back. He just nodded and then motioned with his head, “Now sit and follow her every instruction. There is something I must attend to before I return to brief your guards for the night.” I nodded silently, as I was sure his vagueness had to do with the nature of his business, which was no doubt his family's preparations for the funeral tomorrow as well. Madge's voice called out, “Good Lord, I will insist that fresh hot food be waiting for you when you return. You need to eat tonight as well.” Kenrick bowed to her, “Yes good Lady, upon my return.” he replied before leaving. If there was any relief for what awaited me tomorrow, it was knowing that Madge was with me. Her straight forward ways, and her simple words were soothing to me. That night I laid in bed, as she rubbed my head and said nothing as I cried myself to sleep. There was nothing to be said that could ease my grief for Gannon.