Always Anyways...

I awoke with a throbbing head. As I peeked out of my eyes, I felt a warm body next to me on the bed. At the briefest instance, my heart surged, but all too quickly I realized this body did not have the feel of Taggart. Slowly I turned and saw Madge leaning back asleep on the edge of my bed. Then it all pieced together in my foggy mind, today...it had finally come....the day of Gannon's funeral. The softest cry escaped my lips and it was enough to open Madge's eyes. “Hello child....” she said quietly, and that was all it took for an avalanche of cries to tumble from my mouth. “Very well...cry then. Cry all the tears you have to cry, for today is the last day before the world starts anew.” I did not understand what she meant by those words in the moment, but I curled into her arms and sobbed with my whole shoulders shaking like I did before Gannon's body.

There was little Madge said, other then rubbing my back gently. The door opened, and I heard Jess's small voice, “Good Lady, it is time I prepare the Princess for the morning.” Madge answered for me, “Good child, what is your name?” Jess responded, “I am Jess ma'am, I am the Princess's head lady servant.” Madge did not hesitate, “You strike me as very young to be a head servant already. How old are you? Where did you come from child?” Jess faltered, “Come from Ma'am? I do not understand.” Madge sighed impatient, “Yes, come from? What job did you have before the Princess returned.” Jess's voice sounded small responding to Madge, “I worked in the royal nursery Good Lady and I am 16.” Madge snorted, and I knew she did not approve, “I see. And child, stop calling me a Lady. I am no Lady.” Jess wavered, “Please do not be offended, for you were not properly announced. What should I call you ma'am?” Madge chuckled, “My name is Madge, so that is what you may call me.”

Jess took another step into the room, “I need to prepare my Princess for the funeral ma'am, or she will be late.” Madge tilted her head, “What is there to prepare? She puts on a dress and braids her hair.” Jess hesitated, “Yes ma'am, but...” her voice fell off as she tried to find a reason it would take so long. Finally her voice returned, “The Princess must also eat. Her mages and healers were very particular about this.” Madge huffed, “I didn't need a healer to see she has lost weight. Honestly child...are you dedicated to your Lady? Do you serve her faithfully??” Jess was quick to answer, “Of course, absolutely!” Madge nodded once, “Then see how your Lady grieves...she has lost a Lord most important to her. Dresses and finery are not important on a day such as this. It is the grief that must leave the body or it will turn to poison. I have buried enough children, I should know.” Jess submitted to her, “Yes my Lady.” Having Madge take charge of the situation, allowed me precious moments to come to terms with my sorrow. The deep sadness in my heart was private, and could be shared with very few. Finally I lifted my head, “Do not allow Lord Kenrick into my private chambers until I am ready Jess. Do you understand?” Jess looked at me with pity, “Yes my Lady, but he already awaits you outside.” I nodded and was not surprised by his loyalty, even on a day such as this, “Does he look tired?” I asked. Jess looked at Madge as if she had the answer before looking back at me, “I....I could not say my Princess.” Madge huffed, “Child, see that her Lord is brought hot food right away, and I will tend to the Princess today.” Jess easily took her order, “Yes Ma'am” she murmured before bowing and leaving.

Madge took my face in her hands, “Now, I do not pretend to understand all the feelings that play in your heart. But I do know that the Lord you lost was very dear to you and your grief is a private one. Know that all grief is private and you have the right to your tears. But tomorrow when his body has finally rested, so must you continue on for your role is to live.” I listened to her wisdom and nodded, “Lord Gannon is Lord Kenrick's cousin.” I said, able to explain that much through my tears. “Ah..I see. And your Lord Kenrick? He is your betrothed?” I quickly shook my head, “No...no he is not.” Madge wrinkled her face, “Well then....” she paused, “There will be another time for you to explain what puzzles this old lady. I am sure it must be hard for me to understand the role you play here. But the sun has risen and our day has started. Just as if you and I were back in the kitchens, the fire must be started, and the water hauled for boiling. So it is for you as Princess. You must eat, be dressed and see this day to its end, see your Lord to his resting place.” I nodded and her words started an avalanche of tears again. Madge sighed deeply and just rubbed my back a while more. Once I calmed slightly, she lifted me by my shoulders, “Cry if you want, but I will see you ready. Sit up and let me brush your hair.” It was Madge's tender prodding that had me prepared for the day. With the help of Jess, the two of them got me dressed in my mourning gown, complete with hair and crown. When Jess opened my box of jewels, Madge quickly shut it back closed. “No, she mourns. This is not a day for jewels. And the mirrors, see them covered over as well.” Jess tilted her head, “The mirrors?” Madge looked at her incredulous, “Yes! Do you not follow the old ways?” I had not remembered seeing this tradition since I was a child at my own mother's funeral. I simply nodded to Jess who immediately sought other servants to help her cover all the mirrors in my private wing. There was only one piece of jewelry that I needed to have and I reached for it. “This...I must wear this.” Madge was familiar with Gannon's royal medallion and she just nodded, “Of course, it is proper that you do so to honour him.” Tears once again pooled in my eyes, “Madge, he died for me. He died protecting me and returning me to my father. How do I live with this? How?” Madge smiled sadly, “Just as I have lived with knowing I could not bear my own children safely into this world. You will find a way. There will be a day the heaviness is just a little bit lighter. It will come. Until then, you honour his memory and hold it close in your heart.” I nodded.

With the final piece of black veil over my hair, I stepped outside to my sitting room. Lord Kenrick slowly turned toward me when he heard the door open. He was dressed in a dark green tunic, the colour of his family's crest, and a black sash of mourning over his shoulder. With his folded arms, he smiled sadly at me, “Jane...Good Morning.” I nodded back to him, barely able to keep myself from crying in his presence. Madge pushed and prodded, begged and threatened, but I could not bring myself to eat. Finally Jess returned back into the doorway, “Princess, you should head down to the....” I raised my hand and she stopped mid-sentence. I looked up at Madge, “I can't....I can't!” I cried panicked. Madge sighed and waved Jess away before walking over to me, “You can, and you will. This day has come and it is time to see the edge of your grief. Each day the sun rises with or without the ones we love. Today is one of those many days of your life child.” I lowered my head and buried my face in my hands, easily sobbing. The hand I felt on my back next was large and warm, as it rubbed in slow strokes. “Jane....Jane, do not let this grief consume you,” Kenrick murmured to me gently. I looked up at him, “He died because of me!” I said back in desperation. Kenrick's anger was quick, “Do not say that...do not say that again! That fool, that idiot!! If he ever claimed to love you, he should have never let you bear a burden like this!! He should have been smarter!” He spun away from me, battling his own emotions. Madge sighed deeply, “Good Lord...please do not let your anger consume you. Your cousin did as he thought was right, he did his duty. There is honour in that.” Kenrick spun around, “And as always I am left behind to clean up his mess!!” He spit out in disgust. Kenrick's anger shocked me, and I gasped at the strong sharp feeling of it.

Madge looked at all the surrounding servants, “Leave....every single one of you! Leave!” She was so strong in her statement, that they all followed her blindly so that Kenrick and I were left alone in the sitting room. Kenrick slammed one of the chairs out of his way and stalked over to the window looking out. His anger had stunned me, and my grief was temporarily frozen. Finally my voice broke the silence, sounding small and fragile, “Kenrick, I am sorry. I will release you from my service to do anything you wish.” Quickly, he turned back to me, “Oh...oh no...Jane...no.” He rushed to me, kneeling down on one knee, “Oh my Princess...no.” He took my hands tightly in one of his own, “I let my anger hurt you. Forgive me, I am sorry.” I blinked at him as tears rolled down my face, “I am sorry....I took him from your family. I am so sorry....” Kenrick looked pained, “No...Jane please do not say that. I am the one who is sorry. You are the last person who I wanted to hurt today.” Slowly he dropped his head to my lap, his cheek resting against our entwined hands. “Forgive me....please.” he choked out, as emotions claimed his anger. I gently withdrew one of my hands, so that I could rub the back of his head. I could tell by the shuttering of his shoulders that he was crying into my gown and I wanted only to comfort him. “Kenrick....Kenrick....grief has claimed both of us this morning,” I whispered to him as I softly caressed his hair. Finally he looked up at me, “Forgive me, I beg you!” I nodded back sadly, tears running down both our cheeks. “Of course, there was nothing to forgive.”

Kenrick managed to regain his emotions and reached up, carefully pulling down the black veil over my face. “Gannon is lucky to be so loved by so many.” I watched as he stood up, clearing his face before he offered out his hand to me. “We should finally see him to rest. Please let me walk you down to your carriage.” Madge who had been silently watching our private moment, stepped forward and nodded in agreement. I took Kenrick's hand and stood to my feet, albeit a little wobbly. Without another word, Kenrick escorted me down through the castle, to the awaiting black carriages that were lined up outside. As always, he saw me carefully tucked inside just as my Father strode out to join me. Kenrick bowed respectfully before him, “Greetings my King.” My father paused to lay a hand on Kenrick's shoulder, “We lay to rest a good man today. One of the best that served this kingdom. I am in debt to your family for all you have done. My condolences to them for their loss.” Kenrick nodded, “Thank you my King, you honour us with your words.” My father settled beside me, patting my hands gently. As Kenrick walked away, a part of me wishes we could have grieved these moments together. But I watched as he took his own place with his family in the funeral procession. I did not dare gaze into the direction of his family's carriage, but instead locked my eyes on the darkly swagged carriage in front of us, bearing Gannon's body. Tears began to roll down my cheeks once again as our carriage lilted and the procession began.