Always Anyways...

Slowly I lifted the little dove close to my face, gently breathing in the wooden scent of freshly carved wood. My fingers traced along each and every edge, following the peaceful fold of its wings, around to its plump little belly with tiny carved feet tucked up close. The face was so perfect, so detailed, that I kept waiting for the small beak to move and produce the quietest of coo's. I admired the creature, as if it could somehow draw me closer to Taggart himself with magickal properties. What it did cast was a spell of calm over my heart and my soul, knowing that Taggart was near and I assumed safe and well. How I wish this little dove could bring him to my arms. I curled the figure close to my heart and felt a smile creep over my lips.

The spell was soon broken by a thump outside my bedchamber, followed by Jess's urgent voice. “My Lady is resting my Lord!” It was Kenrick's voice that came back firm and unusually demanding. “Lady Jane WILL see me!” he retorted and soon the door pushed open to him standing in my doorway. His eyes were focused immediately on me, and narrowed in a way that I was unsure of. I tilted my head at Kenrick, noticing how Jess was desperately trying to figure out a way to stop him without being disrespectful. “Jess, Lord Kenrick is always allowed entrance.” I called out to her. Kenrick nodded with affirmation, and stepped inside the room, allowing Jess to carefully close the door behind him. I could tell Madge was unsettled by the way he entered my chamber, and stepped forward almost protectively. “Lord Kenrick, it has been a long day for all...” she said almost warningly. But Kenrick's eyes never left mine and my initial shock wore away. I gazed deeper at him and could see a tension and worry. “Kenrick....my Lord...” I called to him softly, “Do you need me? Is something wrong?” He finally dropped his eyes with a huge sigh, “I have news, news that could not wait until morning. Might I speak with you privately?” He said regaining some of his composure now. I responded easily, “Of course...” and I answered Madge's wayward look with a nod. Quietly she stepped out of my bedchamber, and I sat back against my pillows, nestling the little dove in my lap of blankets.

Once we were alone, I smiled at him sadly, “Come, sit with me....what news do you bring?” He walked to me carefully, as if to delay telling me. Sitting at my bedside, he looked at my face only briefly, before looking away and resting his hand atop mine. “Jane, I received a message tonight....from Taggart.” My eyes shifted from my dove to Kenrick's face, “A message?!” I said with a voice full of eagerness and excitement. Kenrick finally met my gaze and held it, his hand remaining on mine, “Taggart is alive and well, having escaped the burning manor house with ease. But his work is not done.” I nodded still eager, “This is great news, please continue.” Kenrick's lips pursed into a tight line, “He begs your forgiveness for not returning to his position as your protector, but instead he feels called to other work.” The delightful hope I had only a few moments earlier faded away. Shock and sadness quickly filled my face, causing Kenrick to squeeze my hand, “He is traveling to Alaric's lands....he claims that he must return to Prince Nicolous, to protect him and finally bring him home to his family, to you.” I gasped at this task, knowing it was not easily done, nor easily managed. A million questions swirled in my mind, but above all the others, there was one that was by far the most important. “When will he return?” Kenrick shook his head slightly, “There is no answer.” My eyes dropped to the little dove in my lap, and my face burned bright. I realized now that my hope was possibly ill placed, for Taggart might never return from a task such as this. “No answer....” I repeated mindlessly.

Kenrick tensed up, and I realized this news upset him too but for a different reason. “I dreaded giving you this news, but I could also not let a night pass knowing I did not bring it to you the moment it reached my hands. Jane....I know this was not news you had wished. I know...” his voice trailed off because either he wasn't sure what to say or he wasn't sure how to say it. But it seemed that Kenrick knew there was something beyond the surface. After those months with Taggart in the manor house, one would be a fool to even think otherwise. How much Kenrick knew, I could not tell. But when I remained quiet, Kenrick continued and I could hear the regret and sadness in his voice. “Jane, I am sorry to be the bearer of poor news on a day such as this.” I felt comforted in his words, and curled my hand tighter with his, “Is there nothing else in the message? Might he have time to see me before he leaves? Is he even in the castle now?” Kenrick slowly shook his head, “It does not say. I tracked down each and every servant it passed before reaching my hands, none knew of his location.” I just nodded slowly, and as I sat there something else happened. Slowly at first, like a storm you can sense coming, it edged on the horizon of my feelings, gaining strength. But when the storm hit, it nearly took my breath....the feeling was sharp stabs in my chest, painful and hot. With so many unanswered questions, being told from afar via message, without even the chance to see his face or hear his voice....all the worry, anxiety, confusion drifted off. What the storm of doubt brought was rejection....the undoubtedly powerful sting of rejection. Such sheer pain made every other sense feel numb and my mind went into an empty place. “Thank you Kenrick. Thank you for the news,” I said mindlessly. Could this be happening? Was seeing me locked behind my father's walls surrounded by hundreds of guards causing him to lose the flavor of my service? Would Taggart leave me behind for a challenge more to his likening? Had I become too easy...too predictable? Or did his feelings not exist beyond the reaches of the manor? Was our tender emotion burned in the fires? Did he curse himself every day that he was not the one who's arms rescued me from that hell? Or was I simply a task to be checked from a list now? Send and delivered on time?

Kenrick was quiet those few moments with me, also unmoving. Tears could not come after I just buried Gannon. My core was screaming for Taggart, especially on a day such as this. I wanted only his solace, to feel myself wrapped tight in his arms, smelling the gentle scent of him surrounding and filling every pore. I was screaming into a raging storm and no soul could hear me. Finally Kenrick broke me from my thoughts, “Jane...tell me what to do and I will do it. I will turn this castle upside down, I will ransack the city, I will crawl into every hole searching if that is what you wish.” I slowly shook my head, “No...no....today we buried Gannon and we are thick with our grief. I will not do this.” Kenrick shifted closer, pulling my hand to his chest and leaning me toward him, “Ask me....Ask me and I will. I will never fail you again.” I met his sincere eyes and shook my head again. “No Kenrick...” I murmured and as my voice trailed off, I found my hand reaching over, softly caressing his cheek. The movement startled both of us, as Kenrick allowed my fingers to touch him for only a second before carefully withdrawing back. I found myself doing the same, feeling confused about such a simple action happened. Despite this, he pulled my hand to his lips, kissing the back of my hand. It soothed the tiny moment of awkwardness between us and Kenrick settled back in his seat just watching me.

I smiled at him sadly and looked back down at the tiny dove in my lap. This time Kenrick saw the creature too and considered it for a second, looking for a nice distraction from bad news, “That is a most genuine gift Jane, who is the giver?” Despite it all, my lips smiled as I said his name, “Taggart....it was also delivered tonight.” I wondered what secret this tiny dove brought me. Was it desperate to wish me goodbye, or did its little body hold precious all the feelings we had? How I wished it could sing! How I could wish its melody would give me a clue as to Taggart's heart, sad or joyous? mournful or longing? Was I once again living in a hopeless dream? Could I be this foolish, this utterly stupid and naïve again? Do I hold fast and be patient or do I live the life before me, seeking happiness in it anyway I can? In my silence, Kenrick must have been taking in the creature's form. “A dove it is? I say that only because of the pale wood? The wood is nearly white.” I nodded slowly and Kenrick smiled, “It is fitting for today....a true symbol of peace and love. I admire a gentle creature with such talent...I have seen doves fly home crossing hundreds of miles.” His words jarred me from my thoughts and I looked up to meet his eyes, “You mean carrier pigeons, that my father's army uses.” Kenrick nodded, “Yes, they are one and the same.” and sensing my interest in the bird, he continued, “Did you know that doves or pigeons will mate for life? One of the few animals that do.” Breath left me, and time instantly stopped. The note, the message was a simple two words, “My Dove.” I was stupid! I was such a stupid little girl sometimes! It was Kenrick who deciphered this message...for it was not one of abandonment or dismissal, it was one of hope. A dove of peace on a day filled with such sadness. A dove of love bringing all the feelings he could not share with me today. A dove that would always return to his home. A dove that would remain alongside its mate for its whole life. Taggart's parting words echoed in my ear again.

....remember my strength....never forget these words as I will never forget you....

Taggart was not leaving me, he was still serving me. He was bringing me the biggest gift possible, one my heart would always wish for, my Nicolito. I was his dove's home, and to me he would fly with such a precious gift tucked under his wing. He would return home to his mate, and nestle close and safe once more. My Taggart....a heart that could be completely mine and it was within my reach. Hope...it was still alive. All was not dead and buried in a cold grave with Gannon. There was still hope...still the chance for happiness....for peace and love.

I was his dove...and I would wait at our home for him to return.