Always Anyways...

As my eyes opened, sun was streaming in my wide window. I could hear the quiet click of Madge's needles as she knitted something from her favorite chair in the corner of my bedchamber. I am always amazed with the capacity of skills she has, so much so that I could never fathom them all despite the many scholars I have had and their many trainings. In the bright morning sun, the carved dove which rested at my bedside table looked nearly white, like the creature it was meant to represent. I smiled at its reminder of Taggart, his promise, his words and his strength.

Slowly I sat up in bed, and Madge's hands went to rest. “Good morning child” she said softly, “How are you feeling?” I looked at her and smiled, “I feel ready....I feel ready for the new day.” Madge nodded in approval and stood up, “Then start the day we shall!” With Madge's help, I was dressed and when I walked in, I found Lord Kenrick already waiting for me, gazing out the window as is his nature. It seemed a new day indeed and the heavy oppressive sadness and anguish from the day before had now been vanquished far into distant corners. It was as if air had returned and everyone in my private chambers could now breath. Breathe came easy and without the struggles of the day before. Kenrick joined me in our morning meal together with Jess and Madge and today it took hardly any coaxing for me to eat. Once Madge presented the plate, and the warm smell hit my nose, my hands immediately went for my fork. As I chewed, I noticed exchanged looks of relief pass between the others at my table.

I could not deny that when I awoke there was a spirit that possessed me...and as warm food filled my belly I now realized it was the urge to move forward. To take the position my father entrusted me with, and oversee this castle as well as I believed I could. No more mourning the past, no more languishing in its grasp of all the darkness that came before. It was time to take control of my life. To see everything to order once again, to take strength and pride in that. To live a good life in service to my people. Not only to see my own life fulfilled again, but to keep the promises I made to people who were important in my life – my faraway Lady Ruth, my precious Nicolito and my beloved Taggart. So much was there within my grasp and I was determined to take it.

Once we had all finished eating, I looked at Kenrick, “My Lord, I want to oversee the budgets again today. Then we will take our own personal accounts of what was presented to us. It is important that I see it all first hand. We will work section by section until I am satisfied with our handle on the situations, so we can make wise changes with the assistance of my father's advisers.” He nodded confidently in return. So I turned to the next person at the table, “My dearest Madge, I would beg that you stay a few more days. Your knowledge of these things is invaluable.” Madge cast me a look, “Child, this is beyond me. You do not need me.” I insisted, “But I do, all I have learned of maintaining a manor I learned from you. A few days, I promise! I implore you!” Madge finally huffed, “Very well, you have barely put on any weight anyway.” Next I looked to Jess, “I will need new dresses made. These do not please me anymore. Ones that are warm and simple, that are easier to move in. And I also need one of those.” I pointed to her apron, which made Madge chuckle. Jess blinked at my confused, “Need what my Lady?” I tilted my head, “I will need an full apron, like the maids in my service use. I suspect there will be times I will get quite dirty.” Kenrick surprised me with a stifled chuckle, “My Princess, do you plan on sorting grain with your own hands? Oh my...how your father will have my head indeed!” I smiled at his jest, it was unlike his normally focused nature to tease me so, but today it seemed fitting. Despite it, I knew he realized my seriousness on this issue, and my earnest wish to do these tasks the right way. “Indeed I might sort grain Lord Kenrick, imagine the suitors I will attract now!” I chuckled at myself and he winked in amusement. “Indeed my Princess!” Madge smiled and waved her hands at Jess, “Well come now child, we have these dishes to clean and the needs of our Princess to attend to. No need to waste the day!”

And so the new pattern of my days began. No more was I a tended Queen...no more was I a Lady-in-waiting...no more was I a prisoner...I was the Princess Regent, with my father's castle to command. Each soul around me went straight to their tasks. Kenrick always at my side, Jess fluttering about with my strange requests, and Madge taking it all in, advising and watching me with a mix of amazement and pride as I took control of all in my purview. It was my father's advisers that were put thoroughly on edge, confused at my wishes to see everything firsthand, before making decisions. They were rocked by my lack of desire to accept their words just because their age and supposed wisdom told me I should. My father's advisers were like scattering mice, running after my heels as I took out to my father's castle, examining and seeing all first hand, touching, soaking in and analyzing all there was to see. It would unnerve them when Kenrick and I would discussing our findings amongst ourselves before posing questions to them. It would send them into nervous whispers when I would start writing notes for myself with my ever present charcoal pencil and scroll. Kenrick would command bewildered servants to move barrels, boxes and sacks of supplies, with me at his shoulder, pointing and requesting to examine something with my apron tied tightly around my waist. They would exchanged confused looks as I would dig my hands into sacks of grain or examine boxed candles for the castle. After a few days, the advisers abandoned their panicked rushing after me, no doubt having gone to my father in complaint. But since my father never sought me out, I continued with the manner I had started. Not only did I come to my own conclusions, but I would always consider the workers and servants that my decisions would affect. I would ask them questions, and it was often Kenrick who would have to encourage out their opinions on the matters, afraid to speak freely in front of the Princess.

In fact throughout the first several days the reaction of the castle was twofold. The Lords and Ladies who did recognize me on sight, would often blink surprised at my common appearance, walking without an expensive gown, jewels or my crown, hair simply braided down my back and often a shockingly dirty apron around my waist. Some would gawk and others would purse their lips in disdain. The workers would often mistake me for a common head servant or possibly the Princess's lady-in-waiting, hardly ever for the Princess herself. And once they realized their mistake, they would beg for forgiveness which was not necessary. Yet there were times I was glad Kenrick was always at my side. There were a few occasions that lower guards would forget their manners, and speak most assertively to me before realizing I was no mere girl, but their Princess. A stern look from Kenrick would always bring the situation to an apology.

It took only one serious grievance for Kenrick to take the situation into his own hands. There had been a delivery of grain that came in from the river. The receiving report was far lower then the expected delivery, and I did not wish to wait and find out the cause. With a cloak around my shoulders, Kenrick and I immediately went to my father's granary to speak to the steward. When we arrived, we found the office empty while sacks were still being unloaded. Kenrick huffed impatient, “I will seek him out, he may be at the docks. I will return quickly.” With a nod, he headed out, while I watched the servants unloading. Curiosity got the best of me, and I wandered out to the barn to watch their progress when I heard footsteps behind me. Spinning around expecting Kenrick, there was a guard staring down at me, taking in my form. “Evening Miss....are you lost?” I tilted my head at him, “No, indeed not. I have come to observe the grain delivery.” His eyes still had not met mine, as they settled on the edge of my bodice, “Well now....perhaps I could give you a small tour,” he offered. I shook my head, “I am quite familiar with the granary.” I replied, the small lie coming easily enough. I kept moving, as I watched the piles of grain grow, but the guard continued to follow me. Each time I moved, he did as well, following close behind. Finally I found myself in a dead end, and turned around to find him in my way. “Excuse me sir.” I said firmly. But he just smiled widely, “Perhaps your Lord will not mind if you are a little late?” I glared at him, “Indeed he will....excuse me!” I went to step around him, but he shifted over still in my way, reaching up for a loose piece of my hair. “I have not seen your pretty face before.” He murmured. I dodged his hand and growled back, “Do not touch me!” But he did not have a chance to answer, as another voice echoed mine.

“Remove your hands from the Princess!” The guard spun confused, and Kenrick was standing there looking large and commanding. He motioned with his head and I quickly tucked around the guard, rushing to Kenrick's side. He stepped protectively in front of me, his hand resting on the large hunting knife at his waist. The startled guard found his voice, “She is the Princess??” Kenrick stared him down, “Think twice before your hands touch something that does not belong to you. Or you may find them removed!” He paused for only a moment, “Your name?” He demanded. The guard gave it and Kenrick nodded, “I am the Privy Councillor to Princess Jane Snow Fox, and I will see you docked pay and removed from this post for your insolence. Perhaps there is somewhere else you can serve your king where your hands will not be so tempted.” The guard stumbled over his words stunned to find that the simple girl before him was his Princess. Kenrick was clearly not done, “Even a fool would find the right words to apologize before his Princess.” The guard found his wit, dropping to his knee, “Apologize my Princess, I beg your forgiveness. I....I...I would never have harmed you. I beg your forgiveness.” Something about his posture, the way his shoulder's hung defeated, jarred a horrible memory from my thoughts. I gasped, and had to put a hand on Kenrick's shoulder to steady myself, as the room suddenly swayed from the force. “You are forgiven.” I finally blurted out, trying to cover my reaction. “Pray you are more careful with the women in my castle. For if I hear of your behavior again, I will see you more severely punished. I will see no woman walk in fear in my father's city.” The guard remained humble, “Yes my Princess, Forgive my ignorance Princess!” I just nodded, wanting only to leave this place, for it suddenly felt as if the walls might close in on me.

Lord Kenrick turned, putting an arm around my back, “Come Jane, I have found the steward.” He escorted me away, and my feet moved, but the previous memories made me feel unsteady. After several steps, I murmured Kenrick's name and he stopped, moving in front of me. Taking my shoulders, he looked into my eyes, “Jane, what is it? What is wrong? I know that voice...speak to me, please.” I met his eyes, and he saw all he needed to see, answering my silence with a nod. “I should never have left you. I am sorry....I am so sorry.” I did not want his apology, I wanted his warm protection, and I leaned forward putting my forehead against his shoulder. I needed only a minute to regain myself, to calm my fears and find my strength. Kenrick's voice was soft and gentle, “Let me take you back, and I will find the answers you seek myself.” I felt his hand rest carefully on my back. I shifted for a moment, resting my cheek against his chest, before I stood back again. “No...no, I am fine. Let us speak with the steward on this issue.” Kenrick paused for a moment before nodding, and walking me the rest of the way to the office. It was not long before we had our answers, and learned that the second half of the delivery was delayed by weather.

Once safely returned to my chambers, I sunk into a chair at the fire and waved off a plateful of food from Madge. Not long after, I heard her and Lord Kenrick murmuring to one another in the distance, before she returned back to my side. “Child...child, are you well? Were you harmed? You can tell me and I will tend to you myself.” I looked up at Madge, and know that both Kenrick and her have always worried the most over me. I shook my head, “No...no it wasn't that. It was....” my voice trailed off finding it hard to explain, “It was bad memories, of my times with Alaric.” Madge nodded, “I know those weeks were nothing but terrible for you child. But you must put them to rest. You must let go so you can move on.” I looked into her eyes and nodded back slowly and she continued. “Child, I am leaving to return home in 2 days. It would give this old woman great happiness to see these last days as good as they can be.” I smiled sadly, “I am well Madge, and I am strong. Tomorrow is another day, a fresh day full of promise. Do not worry too much.” Madge rubbed my head and nodded, “I am glad to hear you say this.” Her eyes looked over for a moment before looking back at me, “I know there is much in your heart child. But your Lord...Lord Kenrick, he would make a good suitor for you. Perhaps one day he will speak of such an offer and I would hope that you would accept it. He has a great honour inside him, and he matches you well.” The shock on my face had to be clear as Madge patted my hand, “Just think of my words if this comes to be one day. He would make a worthy husband....he reminds me much of my own.” She smiled widely before standing up, “I will save a plate for you to eat later.”

Madge walked off, and while her way with me has always been without restraint, I found her words completely shocking. Kenrick, a suitor?? There was no doubt that Kenrick and I had a closeness that was most precious, and a quietly known understanding. But more?? My mind could not fathom such a strange concept, for my eyes have never seen him as such. The very thought of a suitor made my heart ache for Taggart. How I wished above all, that such offers would not appear! How I wished to attract no one's eyes with hopes on me for more. Those were messages I wished desperately would never come. Perhaps if nothing else, my muddied past would keep all potential suitors at bay. I knew I could never entertain the idea even for my father's own happiness. Slowly I looked over, and saw Kenrick just finishing his meal, wiping his mouth before catching my gaze. He smiled gently before walking over, “I will leave you in Madge's capable hands. I will return later to see over your night guard before retiring for the night.” He rested his hand on my shoulder reassuringly, and I laid my own on top of his. I smiled back at him, “Of course....thank you.” He bowed slightly before heading off for some time to himself. I was determined to steel my strength, and keep firm hold on it. I could not let old memories get the better of me, not when I was making progress and steps toward a worthy life. As I dozed at the fire, my mind wandered to imagined dreams of Taggart, sailing across the North Sea toward Nicolito, to bring him home with ease.