Always Anyways...

When Madge left, she entrusted that I would continue strong and able in her absence. The night before her departure, I came upon her and Kenrick having a private discussion together. There was a fondness in her eyes as she spoke in low tones to him, and he listened intently with a solemn and deep respect for her words. I lingered in the doorway watching them, not letting my presence be noticed. Madge laid her wrinkled hand against his cheek in a mothering way, and he smiled sadly back at her. Their conversation continued a moment longer before they hugged warmly. I waited a few moments more, then walked into the chamber, which seemed to officially end their personal conversation together. Kenrick made sure to send Madge off with more soldiers then were necessary to escort her safely back home. But as I watched her disappear through the gates with a wagon full of supplies for the manor, I knew the guard presence was really for my well being more then hers. Silently I thanked Kenrick for never making me feel foolish for my worries. This was just one of many times he has shown me such consideration.

My days were filled with the regency, and all the duties within my command. There was endless reports, scrolls of information, decisions and changes to be made. There were always dozens of questions waiting for me each morning, no matter how many questions I had found solutions to the day before. Jess did her best to fill the role left to her by Madge. Her hours were spent fussing over me, trying to see to my most basic needs, like reminding me to pause and eat or begging me to sleep. Otherwise her hours were spent on some bizarre quest, for random bits of information or servants that I needed to speak with to complete my work. Ever present in each day was Kenrick. Each morning waiting for me, and one of the last faces I saw each night before my slumber. Taking Madge's recommendation, the Sabbath was our day of rest. I had long been lax in my Christian worship, and found it tedious to worship solemnly each Sunday listening to the Priest ramble on in Latin. But I recognized that those around me might find such a need in their life. In fact, I insisted on it for all servants within the castle walls, seeing that stewards arranged schedules so that everyone, from scullery maid to head servant, managed to have at least half of the day given strictly to the point of rest and tending to their own lives without consequence. It seemed that all were glad to heed this new rule, with the exception of Kenrick. Despite my urgings, he insisted on reporting each Sabbath morning, and seeing me safe to bed each night. If I went to church, he would attend with me. If I were to walk the gardens, he would escort me. If I were to sit and read, he would perch himself at one of my windows and gaze out. There seemed nothing that would discourage him from being at my side.

So was born the tradition of visiting Gannon's crypt on the Sabbath. We would go early in the morning, while most of the royal court was still confessing their sins in the castle's cathedral. Who better to share such a moment then with Kenrick. In the cold of the winter's mornings, I dressed myself, and Kenrick and I would eat a light breakfast. Then I would wrap my heaviest fur-lined cloak around me before pulling on gloves and heading into the crisp bite of the winter sun. Kenrick always escorted me through the silent graveyard and then would push open the door, so that I could join Gannon at his side. Gently my hands would caress the stone effigy of Gannon that now seals his coffin safely away for all time. I would run my hands along his marble arm, resting my fingers atop his that held a marble sword firm and proud. At times I knelt alongside and prayed to him, wishing him peace and goodness in the afterlife. Other times I whisper softly to him, telling him how his memory has not been forgotten by those still in residence here. It was a private time, one that I have come to treasure. A tradition that quickly became important to me. It was an unchanging reminder of all that I had promised to accomplish, of the great gift he had given me that was not to be squandered. I would wait for the somber toll of the cathedral's bells to signal our time had come to an end. With a smile, I would bid him a goodbye knowing I would visit again soon. Never have I left with a heaviness of heart, but with renewed strength as if Gannon was able to erase any weakness inside of me and fill all empty holes with his own strength from the afterlife.

All had been progressing smoothly, and I dared to think that goodness might shine its light into my life once again. But even I could not escape the demons of my past forever. It was a windy night, over a sparse winter landscape. It was as if the air came in waves, hitting against the castle with purposeful force. It had been a long day of scrolls and numbers, and my mind was exhausted from it. When I slept, the defenses I have built to hold back the demons started to weaken, and allowed the darkness to creep its way through the cracks. The dream was a clouded one, filled with voids and shadows, of pain and sorrow, nameless faces crying, whispered voices of those I loved, the knowing ache of longing and the desperation to be free of such torment. I cried out in my sleep, struggling to get away, and sat up straight in my bed. I was embarrassed and a little ashamed to still suffer from my nightmares that I thought I had finally vanquished. Like a child, I put more wood into my fire warming the room and bringing wanted light. But sleep would not come as the anguish from the dream lingered in my chest. I was restless to be free of the torment, worries crowded my mind, filling my head with foolish ideas. When the sun finally peeked out and forced away the night's winds, exhausted relief washed over me. It had been only two days since the Sabbath, but after such a night, the morning found me weak and shaky. I knew I was horribly unable to see through the day without my resolve crumbling and I was determined not to see my strength so easily spent. There was only one answer that came to my mind, and I hurried from bed. I knew the sun had just broken the horizon, and I could have these precious moments to myself. Rushing, I dressed and pulled my wild hair into a tie as I tugged on boots and my heaviest cloak. Jess and Kenrick were both surely asleep and while the night guards would find my awake presence most unusual, they were not ones to question me. I stepped outside and said simply, “Please escort me to the graveyard.” They gathered themselves and quickly moved out at my command. My feet moved without hesitation wanting to visit Gannon, lay my worries to rest with him, and feel close to his strength once again. As his crypt came into view, I hurried even more, so glad to be reunited with his spirit. The guards opened the heavy stone door for me, and I knelt quickly at his side.

I was deep in my thoughts, soaking in Gannon's strength. There were no worries for my guards were at the doorway. But when I heard the footsteps, I quickly spun around like a child caught doing something they were scolded against before. To my surprise, it was not Kenrick or even Jess, but Lady Celeste. For a moment, we were equally matched, frozen in our shock of seeing the other in such a private moment. Slowly I rose to my feet as her eyes glared at me and surprise turned to dark anger. Her body bristled with emotions, and I could see how much my presence offended her. “Good Morrow my Lady.” I whispered softly, bowing slightly before her in humility. Her eyes narrowed on me even more, and it was if their very gaze carried poison straight to my heart. “How dare you....” were the words that finally seeped from her lips. “You would taint my son's grave with your treachery and temptations.” I looked up at her wishing desperately for a defense to her words, wishing she could mourn with me, and realize I never conspired to harm Gannon or her family. But that was a kindness I would never receive from her. “That is not my wish Lady Celeste.” I replied. She stepped toward me, “How you possessed his mind, like a fever sickness. How you blinded him to reason and sense. How you lured him with your eyes and your skirt. Did you promise my son a crown? Did you whisper such words in his ear to turn his eyes toward you? Was he nothing more then bait for your cause??” How I wished a defense could have applied! It was Nicolito who recruited him as one of my hidden protectors at Lord Tiernan's castle, no doubt Gannon did so eagerly. I had no knowledge of his presence until Gannon made himself known by putting himself in danger for me. I had never even know of his heart's true feelings from our youth, until the very end. I was completely innocent of all she thought of me, but how could I ever convince her? “I never had intentions to take him away. I swear to you in this holy place, I did not my Lady.” I pledged softly. She snorted in disgust, “Ha! You of all people swears before me....a Lady not known for keeping her promises before God.”

My cheeks burned with embarrassment as she used my past against me. My shoulders curled up as I shrank with shame, wishing my punishment would end soon. But her tongue was sharp and quick with poison. “You took one son from me, but I will not watch you take another. You might think your claws are deep into him, but I will never let you have him.” I was confused at first and my face twisted with it. She laughed darkly, “My House has only one son left now because of you, and even him you have left broken. I will see my nephew Kenrick free of your curse before I take my last dying breath. I will not watch him fall to the same fate as his beloved cousin. He will join with Lady Kelley and give her back the life you stole...give her son a proper father again after the one that you tore away. Keep our blood in the House of Stag, away from corrupting influences. Soon it will be announced, and I will see my suffering daughter-in-law remarried. Kenrick will resign from his position and travel as far from your poisons as possible.” I heard a painful gasp escape my lips before I could stop myself, and her lips twisted into a smile. “There is nothing more you can do...I will not lose everything to your whims or your bed.” I felt the sting of tears welling in my eyes, and the thought of losing Kenrick crumbled my resolve, “Please, Lady Celeste....I have never....” She put up a hand and did not let me finished, “Be gone from me...you are a witch with honied words. They mean nothing to me now. Leave my son finally to rest in peace, and remove your curse from the House of Stag.” I fought to keep the tears in my eyes, and I allowed her anger matched with my shame to force me from Gannon's crypt.

My feet hurried me back as guards rushed to keep up with me. Once I entered my quarters, I nearly ran down the hall to my bedchamber. Quickly I closed the door before sinking down. All my strength shattered on the floor...Kenrick, my loyal and faithful Kenrick. How could I exist day to day without Kenrick. He had been with me for so long, he knew my mind unlike any other. The thought of losing him terrified me. With Gannon's memory being ripped so violently from me, I curled my face into my hands and cried alone on the floor. I felt small and weak and wished desperately that Madge was still with me. There was no one else left for me here that I could trust my heart and mind to.

It was not long after that Jess entered my bedchamber and found me on the floor, “My Lady!” she gasped in concern and was confused when she found me already dressed. “What has happened? Are you ill?” I just cried into my hands, unable to talk to her like I do to Madge. I suddenly felt very alone and vulnerable. I looked up at her, making a lied excuse, “I think I fainted...but please do not call the healers.” Jess helped me to my feet and returned me to my bed. When Kenrick arrived that morning, Jess must have told him I was ill because he quickly appeared at my bedchamber doorway. I could not bear to see him, so I feigned sleep. But I heard Kenrick sigh sadly before turning around and leaving me to rest. I was able to hide the day away in my bed, as my mind tumbled endlessly with the worry of Kenrick leaving.