Always Anyways...

It was late in the afternoon when I was stirred from my jumbled thoughts to Jess at my bedside, “My Lady, you have been in bed all day and haven't eaten. Are you sure you are not ill?” She laid a timid hand on my forehead which undoubtedly felt cool. I blinked back at her, “Please just let me rest and be alone. I do not want the healers, they unsettle my nerves.” Jess bit her lip uncertain, “Yes my Lady,” she murmured before heading back out of my room. I curled up tighter in bed, but next came the sounds of Kenrick and Jess arguing from the other side of my bedchamber door. Madge would have understood the delicateness of the situation, even without all being explained, but Jess had not yet learned such finesse. It was Kenrick's frustrated voice that I heard through the door, “Are you sure?! You are sure there is no fever...if there is, she must be seen immediately!” Jess responded, “She does not seem with fever and begged to be allowed to rest alone. I must heed my lady's wishes my Lord!” I feared for a moment that Kenrick would burst in, but when my bedchamber remained quiet, it seemed that Jess had won.

That evening, she begged over and over for me to eat, but I continued to refuse her, once again requesting to be left to rest in quiet. Yet Jess would not be swayed, and was constantly fussing about my chamber with some need or another. I must have drifted to sleep, because when my eyes opened next, my room was filled with darkness of the night, having only the flickering shadows of the firelight to fill the room. I stretched slightly as my eyes adjusted, and was confused to see a form outlined in the window. After a moment, I realized it was Kenrick, who was gazing out my bedchamber window. In my surprise, I whispered his name before I could stop myself. Slowly he turned around and came to my bedside, leaning on the edge of my bed to look down on me, “Jane...Jane, please tell me honestly. Are you ill?” I blinked up at him wide eyed, my mind caught off guard by the deep concern I saw looking out his eyes. When I did not answer right away, he lifted his hand, pressing it against my cheek then my forehead checking for fever. “Lady Jess is right, you are cool. What has you in bed like this? What is the cause of this?”

His voice was so direct and it was seeped in worries, as if something terrible might come from my lips. However my voice faltered again, for I feared if I dared to speak, I might begin to cry. At my continued silence, Kenrick hung his head and sighed deeply. As if his body deflated, he sunk at my bedside, even lowering his head against the mattress. “Jane, speak to me. I beg of you.” It took a moment before he regained his strength to look up at me and I bit my lip feeling that burn in my cheeks before tears began. He curled his hand around mine tightly, “What has possessed you so? What has done this damage to you? For I fear I know in my heart what it is,” he murmured softly, imploring me to speak. I could not look at him begging me. It pained my heart too deeply and I turned my face away. Kenrick groaned slightly as if he too was in pain, “Oh Jane....Jane please, please! I spoke with the guards, I know where you went this morning and who found you there. I know the words that were wielded and how it tortured you to hear them. They were said with the sole purpose of wounding you deeply. Now I beg you to speak openly! Please, please speak!!”

Finally I spoke, my voice coming out shaky and small, “If you wished to be released from your charge, it is given. I would never deny you any wish you requested.” Kenrick squeezed my hand tight, “No...no do not say that!! No!” I finally looked back at him now, “How could I ever deny you??” Kenrick just shook his head, “Do not say it again! Do not give up!” I felt the first few tears roll down my face and I could no longer speak. Kenrick finally sat back, and looked at me pointedly, “Damn you! Why do you fight for everyone else, but never for yourself??! Madge was right! She warned me! She did!!” His sudden furor shocked me, and his frustration continued, “Do you know that Madge told me of your time in that manor? Of what you subjected yourself to....for a guard, for Taggart! What you offered that fucking animal Alaric...for whose sake? Nicolous? Do not think she betrayed your confidence. She told me because she felt I needed to know. But the minute I heard the words, I already knew, I just didn't realize it!! You would sacrifice yourself for anyone. You would fight, bleed and die for anyone else but yourself!! You have power and the command to wield it, but you do not! You NEVER do!! I have seen your strength, but you let it wither and suffer unless someone else needs it!! You never fight for yourself!!”

The more he spoke, the more determined and angry he grew. Finally he stood up, “Damn it Jane!! You are the Princess Regent!! Your father's only daughter! You have such power and you let that bitter woman take it from you and send you away like a scorned child.” I realized Kenrick was still holding my hand, when he tugged my arm, “Come now, damn it....out of this bed!!” I followed his will like a ragdoll, sitting up and my feet finding a place beneath me on the floor. He took in my form for a moment, stepping in front of me, his voice recovered some restraint, but was no less strong, “I will not marry that girl. She is Gannon's wife....with Gannon's son. I am no replacement! I am not a spare part to be fit into where the original has broken. Even if I were to want her, she does not want me! If I take a wife, it will be one that comes to my side of her own accord! Not someone my uncle and my father have commanded I need to be joined with because my family wishes their next heir to be protected!! Gannon, in all his strength, still sought to make his father happy. I have never had that weakness, I have made myself, good or bad, through my own hands and my own work. I will not be dictated to! I am no mere boy, I am a grown man!” He paused to let his words soak in for a moment, and I saw his face soften when my tears had quickly ceased. He knew his words were carrying an affect. “I chose to serve you, at first out of loyalty to my Kingdom and my Prince. But now I choose to serve you because I see the person I serve clearly. I feel a resonance in you, I feel an understanding that matches my own. I see the work you do, your thoughts and feelings for those around you, and it mirrors my own.” He reached up, softly brushing my hair back behind my shoulders, “There is only one time you commanded me with the force of a Princess....in a medical tent after a battle. You ordered me to serve your people, not yourself...the people. That is when it became clear, that you were always taking care of someone else. Yet what you really needed was someone to take care of you. I have seen it so many times. Despite my attempts, there are times I have failed you, yet you still praised me a hero. One day I swear to live up to that belief.”

Kenrick put his hand under my chin, his voice softening even more, “If you will not command me for yourself, then command me for the kingdom.” I would have dropped my eyes if he did not have hold of my chin. Even then I felt my eyes struggle for my head to move away from his direct gaze that held me fast. Finally my voice came, low and unsteady at first, but growing stronger, “The kingdom needs you at my side because I cannot do this without you.” He smiled slightly, his thumb rubbing my cheek, “My Princess, are you commanding me to continue to serve as your Privy Councillor?” I leaned against his hand softly, feeling strength there now, “Yes...I command you to serve your kingdom with all the skills and talents that you have.” He leaned forward, nearly whispering, “Then as always, I will do as my Princess commands me.”