Always Anyways...

It was 3 days until Madge was able to be brought safely to the castle. My health had returned and nothing more had happened, so I felt a little foolish when she came rushing in that afternoon extremely concerned. “Child...how are you feeling??” she said taking my face in her hands. I smiled embarrassed, “I am doing fine. I think perhaps that my Lord is just overreacting.” Lord Kenrick pursed his lips at me, “Hardly...she has been very ill 5 times in only a month. It is not nothing Jane.” Madge tilted her head, “You were never sick, not a single day in all those moons with me. I must agree with your Lord, this is not normal. He mentioned poison?” I looked down uncomfortable at the very idea. But I know Kenrick has taken this opinion only the most serious. He has ensured that everything made for me is watched from start to finish, and tested by my father's royal tester. Yet that man is still living, breathing and in the most robust health. At my silence, Madge hugged me tightly in her arms, “Oh child....poison is so very horrible. I am glad your Lord sent for me.” Kenrick smiled quickly, but despite how silly I felt, I was glad to see Madge again.

Madge was quick to take her place as my main Lady, serving me exclusively and putting Jess in a distant second place. I could tell by the girl's eyes that she was hurt. But Kenrick was pleased with this arrangement, as I could tell he blamed Jess for whatever he thought was happening. Life returned to a comfortable place. I was ever more cheerful with Madge around me each day, doting on me and spoiling me all the while being tough on me. I took advantage of her presence and had discussions with the royal hunters to find ways to better meet the needs of the castle. Madge's assistance in the discussion was impressive and I could tell she put the royal hunters on their toes with her suggestions.

Yet the answer we were looking for came at an unexpected time. Madge was settling my room for the night and she came to sit at my bedside. “Child...I feel I must ask you something very personal.” I blinked back at her, “Of course Madge.” She patted my leg, “I know you are a Princess of this land, and you are free to do as you wish.” It was odd to see her hesitate in speaking when she was usually so direct. But I did not interrupt her thoughts as she continued, “Is there a reason you do not want a baby?” I choked on my response, “What are you talking about??” My cheeks immediately burned bright red with embarrassment. Madge sighed, “If you have any feelings for the man, why not marry and have a child with Lord Kenrick? He is a good man and an honor...” I interrupted her before she could continue, “Lord Kenrick has never been in my bed. Madge you know this!! What are you saying to me?!!”

I jumped up to my feet causing my head to swim and lighten as if I might faint. Madge stood up as well, “Please listen to me, do not be so embarrassed, I know how the feelings between a man and a woman can overcome them. There is no need to be ashamed before me. I think he would make you a proud and excellent husband.” I nearly screamed at her, because I could not keep control of myself, “I have never shared me bed with Lord Kenrick!!! How could you think that of me?!!” Madge set her mouth and put her hands on her hips, “Girl...do not take such a tone with me! If not him, then who? Why else would you need bitter herbs??” I stopped my pacing and looked back at her, “I do not take bitter herbs,” my voice suddenly coming out small. Madge took a second, blinking at me before she continued, “Lady Jess has been putting bitter herbs in your food once a week as instructed.” I shook my head so hard I thought I might retch, “Not by my command!” Madge folded her arms, “Child, are you not aware of this? You never commanded this to be done??” I tried to calm my racing heart, “No Madge, I am unable to bear a child, for the Mages told me this when I was with my King. Bitter herbs will make me....” My voice trailed off as Madge finished the sentence slowly, “Ill...Bitter herbs can make a woman such as you very ill, even enough to kill. Oh child....” I covered my mouth with my hand, to stop myself from crying out. The shock and fear that overtook me caused me to shake terribly and I melted down to the floor. “Oh god....Oh god....” I mumbled over and over. Madge hurried to my side, “Tonight, when Lady Jess came to bring you tea. I saw her sprinkle something into your cup from a small pouch. So I asked her what it was and she freely showed me. The girl stated she was told to protect you at all costs and has been giving you bitter herbs in your food once a week.” I looked up at Madge as tears poured out of my eyes in panic, “Told by whom??” Madge shook her head, “I didn't ask...I thought it was you child.”

Sobs escaped my lips, and Madge rubbed my back to console me. “Do not tell my Lord....please....please do not tell him this. I cannot bear him thinking this of me.” Madge whispered in my ear, “Not only will I tell him, but he already knows this was not of your mind or your heart.” I looked up at her, “He will be so angry with Jess.” Madge shakes her head, “The girl is naive and foolish. She is not fit to serve a Princess like you.” I could not speak anymore as I curled up on the floor sobbing. Despite the fact that Kenrick and I never once shared a bed or any such moments, the thought of a child I have longed to hold, being ripped from my arms by someone else was more then I could bear. Plus the knowledge that such a concoction could have easily killed me after being administered unnecessarily for so long. Madge allowed me a few moments for the shock to subside, before she stood me up on my feet. “Sit down and let your nerves calm. I am bringing in your Lord to tell him. Something must be done right away.” I kept my hand over my mouth and could only nod at her directions. I knew how important this news was, but afraid to see the reaction of Lord Kenrick.

When Madge opened the door to my bedchamber, I could see down the hall. Lord Kenrick was still sitting quietly at the fires just as I had left him only several minutes ago. His boots were kicked off and his feet were resting in front of the fire as he relaxed without a care. Madge appeared at his side, and murmured to him which caused him to shove on his boots and walk back. I scurried away from the doorway, walking toward a window and leaning on the cold stones as I heard his boot steps approaching. Madge closed the door behind him and I heard his tender voice call out to me, “Jane…Is everything well?” Madge cleared her throat and explained to him as calmly and plainly as she could what was discovered. I squeezed my eyes tightly closed when Madge explained that I had no need for the herbs for my bed has always been empty. Kenrick remained silent and continued to be so after Madge finished. So she broke the silence, “What do you wish to do my Lord?” I could not bear to turn around and see his face, yet when he finally spoke I could hear the anger riddling his voice. “Is Jane permanently damaged? Will she ever bear a child in the future?” Madge answered carefully, “Princess Jane is already aware of the issues in this matter. Bitter herbs will not change that fact for the future.” Kenrick quickly answered back as he struggled to control himself, “I do not understand Lady Madge…speak plainly.” It was this question that made me turn around, yet I did not dare look toward Lord Kenrick. “Please tell him,” I managed to whisper. Madge smiled at Kenrick sadly, “Son, the Princess is barren…she has been told this since she was with her King.” Kenrick shifted his weight, “So then the Princess had no need for Bitter herbs, even if there was someone in her bed.” Madge nodded, “That is correct…the herbs could have killed her from such regular use. A woman has no need to use those herbs more than once in a month. She has had them five times.” Kenrick was still for only a moment more and then our eyes met as if they were magnets strongly drawn to each other. His eyes were blazing with rage. But upon meeting mine, they melted into sorrow and worry. My eyes spilled over into tears, as I wanted to curl against him and be protected. Without breaking my gaze, Kenrick spoke, “Madge, tell the guards in the hallway to take custody of Lady Jess and lock her into her chamber. If I do this myself, I will take her head. Go.” Madge looked between us for a moment before walking out to carry out his wishes.

Alone together in my bedchamber, my tears were dropping one at a time onto my bodice. Kenrick seemed frozen and millions of miles away. “Were you carrying a child?” he asked softly. I shook my head, “There was never a child in my womb. There has been no one Kenrick, no one.” He blinked for a moment, “Not even Taggart?” His question was so direct that it knocked the air from my lungs. But I forced the answer out as my chest ached hard, “I have not seen him since the manor house.” Kenrick nodded a single time as he continued to stand there. He folded his arms tight and looked down, “Then I will find who did this to you. They will be punished, and punished severely. Lady Jess will be removed from the castle. I do not want to see her face ever again. It is time this is done and over.” The second he finished his last word, he turned around and walked out of my bedchamber.

I gasped out a sob as Kenrick left without another word or kindness. Part of me wanted to call out to him, and have him take me in his arms. But at the same time, that was too much to expect from him. We have never truly been that way, especially at the worst of times. I bite my lip hard and just watched him walk out and close the door behind him. It wasn’t long before Madge walked in and set firm eyes on me, “Tomorrow will be a long day for the Princess Regent. You should rest and know that your Privy Councillor and your royal guard will see you safe tonight.” I looked back at Madge much wearier than I felt only a few minutes before, “This would never have happened if I was wed to a proper Lord.” Madge shook her head, “No, do not think of life as such. The moon has risen and you must rest.” I submitted to her will and laid down. Before she left, I looked up sadly at her, “I do not want to see the girl punished. Naivety is no reason for her life to be so badly marked.” Madge pursed her lips in a way I knew she did not agree, “Tomorrow child,” and she left me to rest.