Always Anyways...

All night alone in my dark chamber, I did not rest. My ears were listening, straining to listen for what I do not know. Perhaps for Madge, or Kenrick, or even Taggart? Or even the sound of my own fate? My heart was restless and troubled, and I felt lost in a sea of confusion. I had done no wrong to Jess. I had never spoken harshly or cruelly to her. Why would she seek such a cause out without consulting with me? Was I so unapproachable, even to my own personal maid? Where would Jess have gotten such an idea? Did the girl not realize what she was doing? Was I so despised? Was I truly so unwanted by my own people? Who was trying to see me rid from this world?

When the sun finally rose, I was glad to be freed from the prison of my own thoughts and being forced to pretend to sleep. I woke early and wrapped a robe around my shoulders, determined to wait for Kenrick’s arrival in the morning. But when I came out to my own chambers, I already found him there, leaning on the mantle and staring into the fire. He was wearing the same tunic as the day before, and upon hearing the swish of my skirts, he turned around slowly, “Oh, Jane…” he murmured perhaps surprised it was me and not Madge. I smiled at him sadly in response. With only a small pause I asked quietly, “Has my father been made aware?” Kenrick nodded, “I sought audience with him last night. He has given me full authority to handle this matter any way I see fit, in any way I wish.” I nodded to my father’s command. “And how does my Lord Privy Councillor wish to proceed?” Kenrick folded his arms, and looked down at the rugs. His pause struck me for he had always been the one to act with a plan eternally at his fingertips. Finally he spoke in the soft tone he used when he and I were surely alone. “The Privy Councillor and Lord Kenrick seem to be at odds with each other. For one follows all the propriety of his station and the other follows as….” His voice trailed off and he turned back to face the fire. I tilted my head confused when he did not finish, for I found myself hanging on his every word. When the minutes past, and he stayed silent, I crossed the distance until I was standing at his shoulder in front of the fire. I was unsure of what to say, and the only thing that came to my lips was his name, whispered. Slowly he looked toward me, his eyes shrouded in pain, confusion, maybe guilt, and even more then I could read. He responded in kind, murmuring my name to which I smiled softly. I spoke the only thing that came and it was to comfort him. So I curled my hand around his that hung between us, “I know whatever you choose, you will not fail me, your station or the King.” His eyes again flashed with an emotion I was unsure of, perhaps relief? He lifted our hands, kissing the back of mine warmly in response. No more works were spoke between us as Madge strode into the room, and her eyes settled on us both standing at the fire, hand in hand. When she paused in the doorway, Kenrick turned around to face her, and in doing so dropped my hand. “It will be a long day for the Princess Regent. See that a hardy breakfast in brought in for her.” I chimed in before Madge could respond. “And see that there is warmed beef from last night’s roast brought for my Privy Councillor, for he did favor it so.” Madge’s eyes twinkled at me, but she said little more than, “Yes, my Lady.”

With a huge breakfast feast before us, all I could do was stare at my plate. I pushed food into my mouth and commanded my teeth to chew but it was only for the sake of Kenrick and Madge. When my eyes met with Lord Kenrick, it jarred him from his thoughts and reminded him to smile as he too pushed food mindlessly into his mouth. It was a morbid scene as everyone tried their best to be strong for the others. But I awaited Kenrick’s indication on how to move forward, for it was clear all other work was second to handling this. It was Madge who spoke first, “Perhaps you should both question her together, and see what the girl says in her defense. My Lord, you know I thought her ill prepared to tend to our Lady. She was not of strong mind and lacked the fervor it would take to stand at our lady’s side.” Kenrick nodded absentmindedly, but from his eyes I could tell his mind was firmly entrenched on the very thoughts of this. Finally he seemed to resign to an idea and stood up, “When you are ready my Lady, I will allow Lady Jess the courtesy of speaking in her own defense before I decide how to move forward. I need to assess if there are others who should bear consequence to this affront on the Princess and her being.”

Outside Jess’ chamber door, I stared at the dark wood with a sense of desperation, desperation that this was not happening, like in a dream where you struggle to wake yourself up. I was terrified at what Lady Jess would say, for her reasonings and her causes. Kenrick paused before he unlocked the door, “I will try to control my anger for your sake Jane, but I cannot promise complete calm. Do forgive me now,” he murmured. I could only nod my head, afraid of what my mouth would say. As soon as we stepped inside, Lady Jess sprung to her feet, her face red and soaked with tears. At the sight of both Kenrick and I, she blubbered even harder. “My Lady….My Lady I beg you!! I beg for your forgiveness!! Whatever error I caused you, I beg you forgiveness!!” She dropped to her knees as her young terrified face begged up at me. I could not look at her a moment longer and turned away quickly to keep myself composed, but Kenrick was unmoved. “Calm yourself Lady Jess. As Privy Councillor I have come here today to tell you why you have been locked in your chamber. I fear the charges are most grave indeed, for you have admitted to another servant that you have been poisoning the Princess Regent with bitter herbs for a month.”

Jess quickly tossed her head, “No! No!! I would never poison my Princess!! No!!” Kenrick huffed already growing impatient, “Did you have permission to give bitter herbs to your Princess? Did she request these herbs?” Jess bit her lip so hard I feared it would start to bleed, “No my Lord Privy Councillor…but I was told that as a head maidservant it was my job to protect my Princess in such a way. I was trying only to be good to my Princess.” Kenrick slowly tilted his head to the right, “Told? Told this by whom??” Jess wiped away some of her tears on the back of her sleeve, making her seem like little more than a child, “By other maidservants. I often talk to others in the castle, trying to learn more of my new position. They told me about bitter herbs. They told me how to use them to protect my Princess.” Kenrick continued his questioning, “Do you know the purpose of bitter herbs?” Jess nodded widely, “Yes my Lord. I was told that all the Ladies of the castle use them unless they are trying to bear a child for their husband. And my Lady is without a husband. I did not wish anymore black stains on her name, I wanted people to think well of my Princess! I would never harm her….Princess Jane, I beg you to believe me. I would never harm you!!!” I finally turned back to the girl, and tears welled in my eyes. I could not deny that I believed every word that came out of her mouth.

But Kenrick continued, “What gave you reason to think the Princess needed bitter herbs if she has no husband??” Jess looked between us both, almost too shy to answer, but Kenrick pushed, “Speak girl!” Jess wrung her hands, “The Princess often spends time in her chambers in private…with…” Her voice faltered, “…with men…I have not…I did not…” she struggled over what to say. “I could not guess the reasons.” Kenrick stepped closer, “I know all of the Princess’ visitors…What men?” Jess paled at her answer, “It has always been you…my Lord.” Kenrick shuddered from the shock, a mix of insult and indignation. He spit out in response, “You stupid girl…I am the Privy Councillor! I am to be alone with the Princess.” Jess did not dare disagree, but she was right. There were entire evenings and nights that Kenrick and I were alone in my chambers. When she did not argue, he continued, “And did these other maidservants tell you how to use these herbs properly??” Jess nodded obediently, “Yes, yes they did. I was to purchase them from a certain stall in the markets and ensure that my Princess took them once each week until she wished to bear a child.” Kenrick’s voice rose in anger, “Stupid girl!! It is not once each week, but once each month! Only once!” Jess was suddenly struck quiet, “They….they said…I swear they said….” She could not finish the sentence.

Kenrick was growing impatient in his anger, “Where did you get the money for such expenses? For clearly you did not ask your Princess. Am I to find you a liar and a thief now??” Jess looked stunned at the question and despite her quiet answer, it felt like a resounding thunderclap. “From you, my Lord.” Kenrick’s hand flew to his sword hilt out of instinct, “What did you say??” he growled at her. Jess curled up, cowering from the fear of being struck down where she knelt. “The money came from you, my Lord as it bore your seal in the wax. I thought it was your wish I do so.” Jess looked over at me and her eyes were like a small deer, too terrified to run and too terrified to fight, but desperate to live in the face of impossible odds. It was then that Lord Kenrick drew his sword and pointed it across the girl’s throat. “Lies!!! How dare you lie before me, before your Princess!!” Jess swallowed and in a tiny whisper repeated honestly, “I do not lie…it bore the seal. My Lady I beg you.” As she began to sob, my body was frozen. I could not feel my fingers or my toes. I did not feel the heaviness of my formal gown or the coolness of the gold chains around my neck. Deep inside my chest, I curled up like a child, tight and protective as I felt my heart being torn away from me. Darkness swept in, and I remember nothing else.