Always Anyways...

All night we stayed curled up in front of the fire, wrapped in each others arms. At morning light with a gentle kiss, Kenrick set me on my own feet to see to his final preparations. He was not even gone yet, but I already felt lost. In his place, Sir Evandar and Sir Gregor stood at my doorway. I did not want them to see my emotions so I locked myself in my bedchamber until it was time to see Lord Kenrick off. I thought tears would come, but instead all that was left in its place was a huge painful void. I felt empty, I felt nothing. My mind swirled with conflicting emotions, and my heart felt as if it was sinking down into darkness. There was a rush from the release of emotions for Lord Kenrick mixed in with the guilt over betraying Taggart. The aching pain of missing Taggart mixed in with the soothing warmth of Lord Kenrick's arms. Was I crazy? Was I wrong? Was I doomed to always have happiness evade me? Time passed and Lord Kenrick himself appeared at my doorway. “My Lady...I must be off.” I looked over to see him in traveling clothes, with a shining chest plate and a heavy cloak over his shoulders. A stray cry caught in my throat, but I swallowed it down. Lord Kenrick and I walked out to the castle courtyard where his steed awaited. He checked his mount before turning back to me. At first, he looked past me, nodding to both captains who stood flanking behind me. But then his eyes rested on my face quietly. Not letting his eyes linger one mine for more then a second, he dropped to his knee before me, “My Princess, I wish thee safe days in my absence. For I go with only the earnest wish to see your brother to a better place.” He reached out for my hand, taking it carefully as he kissed the back of it. His eyes lingered on my hand for a moment, before standing. As he took each step, his hand slowly withdrew leaving our fingertips to be the last to touch before mounting his horse. With a firm nod, he kicked his horse and rode off with his detachment of guards, my father's royal banner flying in the wind. I stood until they disappeared through the gates, and the sound of their hooves could no longer be heard. Only then did I slowly turn, my two personal guards as my only company. Confidently, they both nodded as if now taking the full control of their new positions. “Good Knights,” I greeted them before walking between them, back into the castle. Sir Gregor strongly stood outside my bedchamber door as I sunk down into a chair, the very chair that held Kenrick and I the night before. My mind traveled far away, as the loneliness and unhappiness of my days settled into the room like thick smoke.

I placed my self in self imposed exile. But in all honesty, it was no different then the life I left behind with my former king. Plenty of faceless servants to take care of things, plenty of guards that have sworn allegiance to keep me safe, cooks, stewards, advisers, mages and workers of all types. They all smile, courtesy or bow when I come into their presence, all seek to try and do their job well, just so that I will state how pleased I am with their job or to gain a rare compliment from a royal. Each one has polite smiles and respectful tones, but none that genuinely see me anymore then I can genuinely see them. Its harrowing and lonely, this was a life I was desperate to leave behind.

All that was familiar was the work as Regent, and I threw myself into it. My days became little more the routine rituals, one following the other, utterly predictable, mind numbing, and empty. But my exile had more then one reason, for if I kept quiet as a church mouse, did my prescribed duties and stayed in the shadows, I had hopes I would find few ways to stir the anger of Eadgar. I spent hours at my desk, reading reports, writing notes, sending scrolls. Occasionally the advisers would come in to check on my progress. They would bring some scrolls and carry others away, even question about certain topics, but otherwise they left me to my own devices. In fact I preferred it that way, for I feared how much they would report to Eadgar. Between the advisers, servants or guards delivering reports, large piles quickly grew. It only made me feel even more abandoned and alone. This job was not meant for one and there was no one left I trusted. From the earliest light to the darkest of hours, I would remain at my desk until the piles of scrolls and papers had gone down enough to rest for the day. There was even a time I drifted asleep against my desk, only to be awoken by Captain Evandar when he took his night shift from Captain Gregor. It struck me odd that he was insistent I return to my bedchamber, but I believe that was the work of Lord Kenrick's specific instructions.

All that I cared about was far away...my heart broken into three pieces, and I wished that at least one would come back to me. I could not imagine choosing who. Yet no matter who it was, without the other parts, my heart would remain broken and unrepairable. Without knowing my own fates, my mind did not dare try to choose between the men who have captured my heart for different reasons. For I felt if my heart settled on the love of one, fate would find a way of punishing me once again. Robbing me blind and leaving me again without a good man who might love me. I could not even bear the thoughts of losing Nicolito. For if he never returned, I would be at the whim of Eadgar without royal protection. Taggart nor Kenrick would be able to protect me without ruining their own lives in the process. It felt as if my days were numbered and I was facing an execution. All that surrounded me was merely temporary. But the worst part was, I did not know how many more days until the end.