C'est la Mort

Caris didn't want to leave John, but she knew she had to get back home. Her whole original plan was to keep her distance from John in order to find herself. She knew what she wanted to do when she got home, but just finding the strength to actually go home and leave John was the issue.

They stood together at the airport, John had her bag and Caris had a sad smile on her face. "You could just stay, ya know," he told her, a hopeful grin on his face.

She shook her head. "No, I can't. It was nice to see you but I should get back. I need to get a job, and I told him Eric I would visit him, and... and I plan to do a lot of hiking."

John raised an eyebrow. "Hiking?"

Nodding, Caris grabbed her bag from John. "Yeah... I live in Arizona. I always wanted to.. before.. but Nick was always busy or tired."

"Well... good luck. Will you call me when you land?"

"Of course," she told him. John leaned down to kiss her. He wrapped her in a hug and buried his face in her hair.

"I love you, Caris, so much."

She kissed him again. "I love you, John."

With a final hug and kiss, Caris walked away from John, pulling her suitcase behind her as she walked over to check her luggage and get her boarding pass.

The whole day of traveling felt like a blur. When she got home, Caris realized how quiet it was. She checked the time to call John and tell him she was home, but she knew he was probably on stage already. Instead, she just sent him a text.

She unpacked her bag and started the laundry. It was getting late, and her body was exhausted, but Caris knew she wouldn't be able to sleep.

Before she knew it, she found herself in her car, driving to the cemetery. She made her way to the familiar headstone and sat down in front of it.

"Hey Nick," she murmured. The wind rustled her hair, making her smile. "I don't know if you can see me from up there, but if you can... I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did and I can't take it back. I really love him, Nick. I know it's wrong and I wish I didn't, but... he makes me feel alive again."

Caris kept reading the words on his headstone. She felt tears form in her eyes and she wiped them away. "I don't know how to do this. I don't want to... feel guilty every time I'm with John. Or every time I kiss or touch him. And I do. I feel so horrible and so guilty. I feel like I'm betraying you."

Her eyes caught a glimmer in the dirt. It made her smile when she realized what it was. She dug out the ring and held clasped her hand shut around it. "I'm all alone here now. I thought I would be scared but I'm not. I feel... I feel kind of free. I feel like I can do anything I want."

She opened her hand and stared at the ring. Holding it between her fingers, she contemplated putting it back on. That would hurt John, she knew that. With a sigh, she decided against it. She knew she would just put it in a safe place somewhere.

Next to her on the ground, her phone began to ring. It was John. Caris didn't think she was going to answer, but before she knew it, she lifted the phone to her ear.

"Hey John," she said.

There were many voices in the background as John spoke. "Hey baby. I got your text and I wanted to call to make sure you were okay. What are you doing?"

"I'm at the cemetery," she told him honestly.

The noises began to fade and she heard the sound of a door shutting. John asked her to repeat what she said because he couldn't hear and she told him again. "Oh," he murmured. "Well... how's he doing?"

"I think he's fine."

John chuckled. "Will you put me on speaker?" Caris pressed the speaker button and sat the phone down. She told John she did it. "Hey Nick," John started. "I miss you, buddy. I miss you a lot. Everyone does, we all wish you were still with us. Nothing is quite the same. There's something I have to tell you." Caris smiled as she shut her eyes, listening to John's words to him. "I'm in love with Caris. I always have been. You knew though, I knew you did. But you were my best friend. I'm trying to take care of her for you. I think I'm doing an okay job but I know you'll always be number one in her heart. I know she's scared to love me, she's scared to forget you. I wouldn't let her though. None of us would let her. You're a part of all of us, man. Well... I guess that's all I wanted to say for now. I'll try to visit you more. I miss you. I love you, bud."

Caris took the phone off speaker and held it back to her ear. "Thank you," she murmured. "You should get back to the guys... go meet the fans. I'll be fine."

"Yeah... I'll talk to you soon, okay? I love you."

"Of course. I love you, too."

She hung up the phone and set it back down. Caris started telling Nick of her trip to Braintree and how his parents were doing. Once she told him all she needed to, she decided it was time to head home. She said her goodbyes and made her way back to her apartment. After a quick text to John tell him, she decided to lay down and get some sleep.

~

Two weeks later, Caris had her routine down pat. Each morning at 5 am, she would take a hike. By 7, she would get home and take a shower to get ready for work by 9 am. Caris got a job at an art studio. She worked for a local artist and she would help him set up and take down his paintings, or basically anything he told her to do. She finished there usually around 5 pm and then she'd head home to eat dinner, clean up, and then go to bed. Some days she would talk to John, but most days she would be asleep before he'd be done with his show.

She felt lonely, but she also felt like she was doing what she should've been. Other than her boss, and the occasional text messaging or rare phone call from John, she didn't really speak to anyone. She spoke to Eric once, but that was it. Although lonely, it was still quite peaceful.

Hiking was what made Caris feel so alive. She loved the sunrises and the views. They were something else. Being so high up made her feel closer to Nick also. She didn't know if she believed in Heaven or any of that, but there was something about the way the air moved way up on the mountains that made her feel like he was surrounding her.

There were still a couple weeks before John came home. Although she was looking forward to his return, she was also nervous. She knew that John expected a relationship to form and while she thought she was ready, she wasn't entirely sure. Of course she knew she loved John and of course she wanted to be with him, but she was still terrified of letting him completely absorb her.

"Alright, is that all for today, Mark?"

He looked up at Caris and smiled. "Yeah, thanks Car. Hey listen, it's Friday... do you have plans for tonight?" Caris shook her head. "Would you like to get dinner with me?"

Caris looked up, shocked. "Oh um, I... I uh, Mark, I'm flattered, but I uh, I have a boyfriend, kind of, and it's complicated and I just-"

Mark started laughing. "I'm not asking you on a date. I have a wife. I wanted you to join her and I for dinner. Her name is Marissa, she wants to meet you. Would you?"

As her cheeks began to flush, she pressed her lips together. "Um, sure, I guess. That sounds nice."

Before too long, Caris found herself at Mark's home sitting at the table with the couple. Marissa was extremely gorgeous and polite. Their home was lovely as well, and for some reason, Caris was comfortable there.

"So, I hope you don't find it odd that I wanted to meet you," Marissa said. She pushed back her dark hair and smiled at Caris. "I just wanted to know who Mark was spending his days with."

"Oh, you have nothing to worry about, trust me."

Mark laughed. "Do you have a boyfriend?" Caris looked down. "Oh come on, you've been working for me for two weeks and I feel like I don't even know you at all."

"Um, I kind of do. It's a complicated story."

Marissa smiled. "Tell us!" she encouraged.

After a sigh, she nodded. "I was engaged. His name was Nick."

The couple suddenly looked sullen. "Was?" Marissa asked softly.

Another nod from Caris. "He died. We uh, we were hanging out with friends and he went to get more beer. At the gas station he stopped at, it was being held up. The robber shot him, point blank. Nick died in the ambulance."

"Oh my god," Mark said. "I am so sorry."

"It's okay," she said. "I've slowly been making my peace. I've been seeing someone. His name is John, he's been a friend of mine for a very long time and he helped me heal. I guess I just... fell for him along the way. He's in a band though, they are pretty successful, and they're on tour right now. It's been a hard couple of months, but I'm making it."

Both Marissa and Mark expressed their sympathy and apologized for bringing it up at all. Caris waved it off, saying it was okay.

The rest of the evening was fine in her opinion. She left them with a smile and when she got home, the feeling of pure and utter aloneness set in again. Caris sighed as she walked into her bedroom. It was dark and in that moment, after seeing Mark and Marissa together, she just wanted to be with John again.