C'est la Mort

John couldn't help the grimace that adorned his face as he sat at the bar with his friends. Drink after drink was poured down his throat, plumeting into the pink lining of his stomach. A vivid picture was playing in his mind as he thought about what was going on at Caris' apartment.

All he could picture was Joel on top of her. He pictured his hands roaming her soft skin, touching the parts he so desperately wished he could touch. John could see Joel's lips on her body, kissing and sucking where he wished he could.

Each of those thoughts made John clench his drink tighter and tighter in his hands. He was jealous, seethingly jealous and anyone could see. Well at least any one of his friends could see it.

The six guys around John watched with curious eyes, not voicing what they all knew was going on. Each of them were worried about John, mostly worried that either he'd break the beer glass in his hand, or he'd do something stupid.

"Are you okay, John?" Eric asked, his eyebrows raised at his best friend.

John glanced at him, then down at his hands. His grip on the beer loosened before he took a long chug. "I'm fine, man," John replied.

Eric exchanged a look with Jared and Kennedy. "Bro, you need to loosen up. Joel wouldn't... he wouldn't do that. Not to you or her. He wouldn't do that to Nick either."

At the sound of the deceased singer's name, John suddenly felt extremely guilty. Hearing it from Eric was probably what did the trick. John was one of Eric's best friends, but so was Nick. He was a constant reminder in Caris' apartment with pictures and his belongings being all over the place, but it was different hearing it from Eric.

Nick hadn't been dead long at all, and there he was, fantisizing about the girl he had been fantisizing about for years already. John had been spending the night with, cuddling with, and taking care of a girl who had lost her fiancé very recently. There was no way in hell that Caris saw it as anything other than him taking care of her.

Frowning, John nodded slowly. "I don't know what's wrong with me, guys," he murmured, lowering his head. "Maybe I'm too... egocentric or pompous to think she even could ever love me. But I just wish so badly she could or she would."

"If I... if I tell you something, you can't tell Caris, okay?" Eric started, looking at the boys around the bar. "I'm only telling you this because you're my best friend and I care about you and your wellbeing." John nodded, looking up into Eric's wide eyes. "Back uh, back when Nick was alive, about a week before he died, they were having this fight... Nick was telling me about it the night he died. The fight was about you, John."

Furrowing his eyebrows, John stiffened. "What do you mean?"

A loud sigh left Eric's lips as everyone began to understand what he was saying. He repeated again that what he was saying never left the group. "I told him for his sake that it was nothing. If I'd have known he was going to... going to die, I would've been honest. But I told him it was nothing. Nick was... he was convinced that Caris had feelings for you. With the wedding coming up, Nick wanted to make sure there weren't any stray feelings for anyone. Joel... you... He wanted one hundred percent of her heart. When he asked her if she felt anything for you, she hesitated, he said. He said that she wouldn't look him in the eyes and that she laughed it off, that she said she didn't feel anything for you. He said he could see it in her eyes that she was lying. He thought that she was in love with you, but she told him he was crazy, that she didn't feel for you. Andrew, Justin, and I... we didn't have the heart to tell him that we saw something in her eyes, too... when she looked at you."

~

Caris grinned as she looked at Joel dance around her living room. His music was playing loudly in the room, probably loud enough for complaints, but she didn't care. Joel was making her forget, even if it was only for a couple minutes.

At first, Caris and Joel sat in silence as they lied on the couch together. It was weird for both of them, until Caris asked about Joel's music. He sheepishly admitted how almost every song on Biography of Heartbreak was about her, which made her grin, saying that Bleach Blonde was her favorite. From that, Joel stood up and began to dance around to the song.

She laughed loudly when he tripped. Usually, someone would've been embarrassed by that, but Joel wasn't. He was always comfortable with Caris, as she was with him.

After a couple more songs, and after Caris finally joined in, they settled onto the couch again in a fit of laughter. To both of them, it almost seemed like old times, forgetting that it had actually been years since they were together.

"Oh, this brings back memories, doesn't it?" Caris asked, smiling up at Joel as her head rested in his lap.

He nodded, smiling down at her. "It's nice to hear you laugh again, Cari," he said.

At the nickname, she smiled again. "No one has called me that in so long... since we broke up, I think actually."

"It was my thing," Joel said in playful defense.

Caris curled into his lap, snuggling against his body. He ran his hand through her long blonde hair, careful when his fingers hit tangles. Her hair was always full of tangles, since the strands were so thin. Joel could easily remember when she'd ask him to comb her hair after a shower because she was fed up with it. His gentle hands always found a way to work through them.

"Why did you ask me to stay? Why not keep John here?" Joel suddenly asked, breaking the silence between them.

Shrugging, Caris opened her eyes to look at Joel again. "He's been here so much... I thought it'd be nice for him to get out. And I've missed you, Joel. When John's here... I just think of Nick all the time. I know John tries to help, but I guess I'm not as comfortable with him. I mean, I am, he's had to help me shower for Christ sake, but it's just not like it is when you're here. We were together for so long and I loved you so much, so it's different. I think, at least."

Caris wasn't sure why she explained so in depth. Part of it wasn't even true. She was just as comfortable with John as she was with Joel, she just didn't want him to feel like she was using him to get John to be able to have fun.

As Caris looked at Joel, she saw so much of John in him. It wasn't just the looks, because let's face it, they look so similar in appearance, but it was more. It wasn't just that they were both lead singers or they had the same mesmorizing hazel eyes. It was their touch and their embrace. It was all so similar. The way Joel held her and touched her was like John. Everything about the two was so similar.

Caris sat up quickly, crossing her legs as she sat next to Joel. He glanced at her, pushing his hair back. "Do you ever wonder what your life looks like through someone else's eyes?"

Instead of replying, Joel just watched her. She was looking down at her legs and hands, frowning to herself. She continued when he didn't reply. "My life probably looks pathetic to other people. I probably look like the sad little girl who lost her boyfriend. I probably look so stupid. When people look at me, they know... and they think they have to... they have to tip toe around me. But I don't want that. I just want to be normal and be okay but I can't do that if everyone just... just treats me like I'm so fragile and broken."

"We're just worried about you, Caris," Joel reassured, his hand reaching up to push some of her hair out of her eyes.

As he did that, her eyes caught sight of a small macramé bracelet that adorned his wrist. It was braided light brown leather that had a small black flat bead in the middle. On the inside, J&C was engraved.

"You still have this?" she asked, grinning up at Joel.

He nodded. "Of course I do, Caris."

She opened her mouth to speak again, but was stopped by the sound of her phone alarm going off. With confusion, Caris reached for her phone, not knowing why the alarm went off. Her eyes widened at the alarm note.

"Shit, it's John's birthday."

~

"Be happy, it's your birthday man!" Kennedy said, grinning as he passed a shot of Jack Daniel's to his friend.

John frowned, but took the shot anyways. That wasn't how he wanted to spend his birthday. All John wanted was to be with Caris. He wanted to spend his birthday with her in bed or watching shitty television or doing absolutely nothing at all. He didn't care what he did. He just wanted her.