C'est la Mort

Caris giggled as she lied in the bed, nothing but a sheet draped over her thin body. Her hands pushed on John's shoulders, laughing still as his lips trailed up and down her stomach. He kissed up her stomach to her neck, then to her lips. His body lowered to hers, making their bare chests press together. John held most of his body up on his arms, not wanting to crush her thin body.

He smiled against her lips, which made her laugh again. When John pulled away, she pouted. "I love your laugh. I've missed it so much," he murmured, then pecked her lips.

"Happy birthday, John," she told him.

John pecked her lips once more. "Best." Another kiss. "Birthday." Another kiss. "Ever." His lips stayed on hers after. With their mouths still connected, Caris pushed on his chest to where she was hovering over him. The sheet fell to just above her waist, exposing the top half of her body, but John wasn't complaining in the slightest.

"I love you, John," she whispered.

His hands gripped her bare waist. "I love you, Caris. I love you so much."

"John," she murmured.

"John."

"John!"

His eyes shot open as his body woke with a jump. He looked around, the surroundings changing. He wasn't in Caris' room like he was in the dream, he was in his own bed. She wasn't next to him, but instead there was Jared, hovering over the bed trying to wake him.

He groaned, hating how it was only a dream. "Happy birthday, dude! But wake up, everyone is here to see you!"

John pushed the covers from his body, then swung his legs over the side of the bed. He put his head in his hands, frowning to himself. "I'll be out in a minute."

"Everything alright, John?" Jared asked, taking a seat next to him. When John shrugged, his best friend sighed. "Look, I know how you feel about Caris and I know that you're trying really hard to let her be and to respect Nick and all that, but you can't do this to yourself. You need to think about Caris also. You know how in love she is and always will be with Nick. Do you really believe that anything will come from you and her? Be realistic, John."

With a frown, he shrugged again. "I don't know, Jare, but I can't imagine my life without her. She makes me want to be this whole other person. I know it sounds crazy and stupid, but I love her a lot. And I know she probably doesn't want to even think about it or believe it, but I think she has feelings for me also. She makes me so happy."

When Jared thought about it more, he simply nodded. "Then fight for her. Be there for her. Love her. Fix her. Do whatever it takes John."

It had been a long time since Jared had seen John happy. He had never seen him in love with anyone. Every time John entered a relationship, Jared could always tell that he never loved the girl. He was never truly happy with the girl. It was always so obvious on John's face.

Jared left the room so John could get dressed. While he dressed in a pair of jean cut offs and white V-neck, John could only think of his dream and how much he wished it truly did happy. All he wanted for his birthday was for Caris to be there with him. He knew she wouldn't go though. They were all spending the day at Tim's house, where John currently was living. He knew she wouldn't want to go there because it would remind her of Nick. When he asked her to go, she was hesitant and said she didn't know. He instantly took that as a no.

While he fixed his hair, John heard a knock on his bedroom door. He told the person to come in, expecting it to be Halvo or Tim.

"Hey John."

He turned his head quickly at the sound of her voice. John grinned while rushing over to her. His arms wrapped around her and she laughed lightly. "Caris, hey. I'm so happy you're here."

"Happy birthday, John."

John let out a deep breath, holding her closer to him. "I didn't think you'd show."

"I didn't think I was at first," she told him honestly. "But I couldn't miss your birthday. I had to get over my fear of being here and I came."

"I'm happy you are. Thank you so much. You just made my birthday way better."

As they hugged, Caris rested her head on John's chest. She breathed in his scent, letting her left hand fall to grasp the fabric. "I missed you last night... it was weird to sleep with someone other than you."

John froze for a moment. "Joel... he slept with you?"

She nodded. "Yes, but he was a mile across the bed. He didn't hold me like you do. It felt weird."

"I'll stay with you tonight and for as long as you want me to, Caris."

Caris grinned as she pulled from John's embrace. She raised herself a little on her toes, then pressed her lips to his cheek. "Happy birthday, John," she repeated.

She patted his chest, then left the room to leave him be while he finished getting ready. A permanent smile rested on John's lips as he stared at himself in the mirror. Suddenly, the day seemed a whole lot brighter to him.

~

As everyone sat around the living room, eating Jimmy John's, they all chatted, telling stories about fun times with John in honor of his birthday. Caris, however, was completely silent. Most of the stories involved Nick, but no one really thought about the fact that the stories would bother her. She didn't want to say anything, because she didn't want to be a downer.

Everywhere she looked in the house, she could remember Nick's body or face. It was hard for her, to say the least. The whole time, she found it hard to hold back tears. The past days had been so progressive for Caris, but this was destroying any and all progress made.

It wasn't until Eric spoke up, beginning a story. He laughed before speaking. "Do you guys remember when we were all playing Das Boot and John bet that he could out drink Andrew de Stefano? Oh my gosh, that was the funniest moment of my life. John, you got so shit faced! And then he almost ruined Nick's proposal to Caris by almost losing the ring?"

Everyone laughed, remembering the story, but it was then that Caris realized she couldn't hold the tears back anymore. She pushed her sandwich to side as she stood up, trying to not bring attention to herself, but of course everyone saw. She walked down the small hallway, shutting and locking the door to the bathroom. Tears dripped down her cheeks like a leaking faucet. Her body slid down the wall while she held in the sobs threatening to escape her throat.

Someone knocked on the door, which made Caris let out a sigh. "Gimme a second," she called, trying to even out her voice.

"Caris, open the door please," John said. "Please let me in."

"I'll be out in a second, John," she told him.

He knocked again, begging her to open the door. She rolled her eyes as she stood up, pulling the white door open. When John saw the tears, he frowned. "I'm so sorry, Caris. I didn't realize that all the stories would upset you. I don't think anyone did."

"I'm fine, just a little overwhelmed, John. It shouldn't upset me, I'm sorry." She tried to sound normal, but her voice broke as more tears fell.

Her body shook as more and more fell. John pulled her into him, wrapping her in his arms. "It's okay, Caris, it's okay," he soothed. "I'm here, I'm right here." John reached behind him to shut the door so the others wouldn't hear.

More sobs left her throat. "It's not fair," she cried. "It's not fair! Why? Why did this have to happen to me... to him? I miss him so much, John and it's not getting any better. I have this huge hole in my heart that isn't going away. I should've gone with him, I should've been there with him, maybe it would've been me instead or both of us or neither! It's not fair. I wish it were me instead of him."

"Don't say that, Caris. Because you know damn well that Nick would be just like you are right now. You weren't meant to be there with him. And I know that doesn't help anything and I'm sorry that I can't fix anything. All I can say is that one day you'll wake up and it won't be as bad. You'll get better, Caris, you just need to allow yourself to. I'll be here for you, every step of the way."

She buried her face in his chest, trying to silence her cries. "I can't do it alone, John."

He nodded, repeating that he'd be there for her.

It took a couple more minutes, but Caris composed herself. She splashed cold water on her face and fixed her makeup. When she apologized to John, he shook his head, saying that it was completely fine and everything was okay.

The two of them exited the bathroom together. Everyone was talking quietly and when they saw Caris and John, Eric rushed over to her, pulling her into a hug. He apologized profusely, saying he was sorry for being such an inconsiderate asshole. Caris told him it wasn't his fault and that it was more than okay.

He frowned as he looked at her. Even though Nick was one of Halvo's best friends and he was still hurting some, he couldn't imagine how Caris felt. She was in love with him, she was crazy about him. Nick was literally her other half and he couldn't even imagine the pain she probably felt constantly. He didn't think that the stories of him would hurt her so much, but seeing how it did, he realized how much pain she was still in.

When they pulled away, everyone was smiling at her. She shrugged it off, happy that everyone wasn't bombarding her with apologies.

"How about we all get in the pool?" Caris offered.

~

"Can I ask you something, Caris?" Jared asked as he swam over to her. She was sitting on the edge of the pool as everyone else swam around. She nodded at him. "Don't get upset... but I just have to ask you if you're maybe giving John the wrong impression about... you two."

She raised her eyebrows through her sunglasses. "What do you mean?"

Jared sighed as he rested his arms on the concrete next to the pool. "Are you maybe... and don't take this the wrong way please, but do you think you're leading him on at all?"

Caris frowned. "I don't... no, Jared. John knows what I'm going through right now. I'm not thinking of a relationship with anyone at all any time soon... I could never... I wouldn't ever do that. I'm in no place. I can't believe you'd even ask me that."

With another sigh, Jared ran his hand over his face. "I need to make sure you aren't maybe giving John false hope."

"John doesn't see us like that, Jared. He's helping me... that's it, I promise. He knows that."

Jared went to reply, but he was cut off by John himself, who plopped himself down next to Caris. When he asked what they were talking about, Jared said nothing before leaning on his back and floating off further into the pool. With a smile, Caris just shrugged at John. He waved it off, then slipped his body in the water.

He tried to pull her in, but she refused, not wanting to get in the water. John frowned, then asked if she'd do it, since it was his birthday and all.

"You're such a pain in the ass, John," she groaned, letting her body slide into the pool as well. She lost her footing on the wall, which caused her to tumble in, falling into John. He laughed while catching her, his hands going to her waist. "Thanks," she grumbled.

Smirking, John pulled her over to the group. "Chicken fight!" Halvo called grinning. "Car, get on John's shoulders. Jared let me get on yours!"

"Yeah right, Eric. You know Caris will take you down," Jared told him, which made everyone laugh.

When Eric pouted, Moose walked over to them, allowing Eric to sit on his shoulders while Caris climbed on John's. Garrett stepped up to be the judge. Once he announced for them to go, Caris and Eric began shoving and pushing at each other's arms and chests. Eric shoved her left arm, which caused her to almost fall back, but John caught her.

With a determined look, Caris announced that he was going down. John and Moose circled around as the two fought above them. The rest of the group was cheering for either one, telling them to beat the other. A couple of minutes later, Eric reached for Caris' neck, yanking on the bikini string. She yelled, immediately reaching up to stop her top from falling. As she did that, Eric pushed her shoulders, which caused her to go down.

Resurfacing, Caris glared. "You're such a cheater, Halvo!" she shouted, laughing as she tried to tie the string again.

Moose and Eric high fived each other with grins on their faces. John swam behind Caris, grabbing the strings to retie them. Everyone around the pool and in it agreed, saying that Eric cheated, but he shrugged, saying it was an awesome idea, which a few did agree to as well.

Pat climbed on Tim's shoulders next, saying he was going to take on Eric. Everyone knew that Pat would win, since he had better arm strength due to the drums, but Eric was still determined.

"Are you okay?" John asked as he finished tying the string. His hands drifted down her body, falling to her hips while he stayed behind her.

Caris nodded slowly. "Yeah, I'm fine." She let out a sigh as he stayed close to her. "John, we need to talk. Can we talk in private for a minute?"

John agreed, slightly afraid because of the "we need to talk" and the two left the pool. They grabbed towels to dry off and once they were happy with the water gone, they hung the towels to dry on the back of a chair. Caris grabbed John's hand, leading him into the house, which caught Jared's attention. He sighed to himself, growing more and more worried about his friend.

Caris led John into his room, shutting the door behind them as she heard two people enter the house as well. She stayed silent for a moment, not sure how to phrase what she was going to say. It was his birthday, which made Caris not want to say anything, but she knew she had to before it was too late, as she considered Jared's words.

"John... I... I love everything that you're doing for me. You have no idea how much I really appreciate it all, really. And I know we've been spending a ton of time together lately while you're helping me with everything. But Nick is the only guy I currently could ever see myself loving or being with... in any sense. And I should be honest with you because you deserve that. At one point, when Nick and I were together, he asked me if I had feelings for you. I told him no because I didn't want to hurt him, but I did have feelings for you... I had a lot of feelings for you, but when Nick died, I felt... I felt horrible for ever even thinking about another guy like that and I forced all of that to go away." Caris sighed, knowing she probably wasn't making any sense at all. "What I'm trying to say is... I love you, John, but I love you as my friend... as someone who takes care of me. And I don't want any blurred lines between us or any confusion on what exactly our relationship is."

For a moment, John stayed silent. He was looking at Caris, trying to process all that she was saying and where it was coming from. It was then he realized that that was what Jared was talking to her about when John sat next to her. Letting out a breath, John began to slowly nod, still not saying a word.

"Can you say something, please?" Caris asked, her face full of worry.

John swallowed. "I don't know what to say," he finally said. "I don't know what Jared said to you, Caris, but it's no secret that I feel for you. I had no intentions of acting on those feelings at any point or at all in the near future."

"I just wanted to be clear with you, John."

He simply nodded. Without really knowing why, John was extremely upset and hurt by what she just had said to him. He went to turn away, reaching for the door knob, but he was stopped when he felt Caris grab his arm. "Don't be upset with me, John."

"I'm not upset with you," he stated, without turning around.

She asked him to look at her, which he did. Her hands reached up to cup his cheeks. "You are amazing. You're one of the best people I know and I'm so happy to have you in my life. But right now is a bad time for me. Maybe... maybe one day, maybe that day you told me that I'll wake up and be okay... maybe I'll be able to love you, John. But just not right now."

"I get it," John said, his voice sounding more bitter than he meant it to sound.

Frowning, Caris lowered her right hand to his hip. She raised herself up on her toes, then pressed her mouth to his in one of the softest of kisses. When she pulled away, John stared at her with a confused look. "To one day," she whispered.

"To one day," he repeated as she pulled all contact from him. Her body slipped past his, exiting his room.

Standing there, amazed, John reached up to touch his lips. He smiled to himself, loving the way her mouth felt pressed against his. It was then that John told himself he'd wait for her. However long it took, John would wait for her to be his.

"One day," he said once more.