C'est la Mort

"John, you can't just up and leave like this! We're in the middle of planning a tour for Christ's sake! What the hell was going through your head?" Jared asked, speaking sternly through the phone to John, who was driving in the dark.

He sighed. "She needs this, Jare. I'm just trying to help. I know I didn't think it all the way through, I'm sorry for that," he said quietly, considering the sleeping girl in his passenger seat.

It was just coming up on four in the morning. They had been on the road for a few hours, driving to the beach in California. For the first hour, Caris had tried to stay awake with John, but since it was so late at night, she ended up falling asleep, which John didn't mind. It was something he was doing for her, because he could tell she needed it. She was slowly losing her mind there in Arizona, he could see it.

The Maine was leaving for tour soon and This Century had already left for tour. To Caris, it felt like she was losing everyone, even though they were only leaving temporarily. John knew she needed to get away for a little bit, so this was his surprise for her when he picked her up late the previous night.

Sighing, Jared let out an aggravated breath into the phone. "We were to have a meeting later, you know. Do you want to see if we can conference call you in or do you want us to say you won't be there?"

"Conference call," John said. "I want to be a part of the decision."

"Alright, you two have fun at the beach but please don't be gone too long."

Agreeing, John hung up the phone right after. He let out a sigh as he let his phone fall between his legs while he drove. Glancing to his right, John noticed that Caris was starting to wake up. She yawned as she began to move, then her eyes slowly fluttered open.

When she realized she fell asleep, her eyes widened. "Oh shit, I'm sorry, John."

He smiled. "Don't be. You looked too cute for me to wake up anyways."

It was only a little bit longer before they pulled into the hotel that John booked a room in. Since it was still early, he figured they could sleep for a couple hours before going to the beach, which Caris more than agreed to as she yawned softly. In the elevator, riding up to the eighth floor, Caris leaned on John with her eyes closed. Because there were other people on the elevator, it stopped a couple times before finally dinging on the eighth floor. John got their luggage while Caris led the way to their room.

She slid the key card in, then opened the door for them. The room was very nice. It opened up into a living room with darker green walls and brown furniture. To the right, there was a small kitchen with a mini fridge, counter space, and a microwave, along with a couple cabinets. Walking further into the living room, there was an open arch way leading to the bed that had double doors for privacy. To the right was the bathroom that was huge as well. The walls were black, along with the floors. The sink was double with porcelain sink bowls and a glass counter. In the right corner was a shower that had a rain-like shower head where the water fell completely from the top only and to the left was a large Jacuzzi sized bath tub.

As Caris examined the suite, her eyes were wide and her jaw was slacked the whole time. She turned around to John, a grin on her face. "I can't believe this," she awed. "This is amazing."

He grinned back at her, then caught her body as she launched at him in a hug, repeatedly thanking him. "Don't thank me, Car, I was happy to get this room, it's fucking awesome."

"Screw sleeping, I want to shower. Those showers are so cool! The top of it is where the water comes out and it's like it's raining on you in the shower," she said, still smiling wide as she began to rustle through her bag. Suddenly, she stopped, her eyes meeting John's. "Do uh... do you want to... shower with me?" she asked, swallowing deeply.

His eyebrows rose. "You don't have to ask me tha-"

"I want to," she cut him off. "I want you to... if you want to. Besides it's uh, nothing you haven't seen before, right?"

"Right," John said quickly, almost too quickly.

She smiled at him as she stopped messing with her clothes, deciding to get them after their shower. Walking towards John, she grabbed his hand, leading him to the bathroom. He had been setting down their bags when she was exploring the bathroom, so this was his first time seeing it. His eyes were wide as well.

Caris turned on the shower, the water instantly beginning to fall from the ceiling. Turning back to John, she bit her lip, then reached for his shirt, peeling it off his body. He stepped closer, then did the same with her shirt, both articles of clothing hitting the floor. She let her fingers fall to his jeans, reaching to undo the button and pull down the zipper. As she did that, John stepped out of his shoes and socks while Caris stepped out of her flip flips. Her knees bent as she pulled down his jeans. As before, John followed suit, pulling off her shorts. He reached next behind her back, fingers skillfully undoing the clasp on her bra. It fell down her shoulders and it took everything in John for his eyes to remain on her face and not to stray.

A breath caught in Caris' throat as her fingers slipped into John's boxers. While he had seen her naked, she had yet to see all of him, due to the fact that he would help her change and put her in the shower. If he ever was in the shower with her, he usually had his boxers on still.

She pushed down his boxers and while she knew John had kept his eyes on her face, she couldn't help but let her eyes fall. Momentarily, her eyes widened as she gasped softly. She had no idea he was so... big. John smirked to himself slightly, which he couldn't help to do.

Finally, his large hands pushed down her thin underwear. Once they stepped out of all their clothes, Caris turned and stepped under the water, and John did right after. Neither still hadn't spoken a word.

John's hands settled on her hips as she let the water fall over them. She curled into his body, her arms wrapping around his waist while her head rested on his chest. Leaning down, John began to sing into her ear. "When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love."

When he paused, Caris looked up, her eyes meeting his and she smiled at him. He smiled back, then continue his song. "When evening shatters and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love.

"I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong. I've known it from the moment that we met, no doubt in my mind where you belong. I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue, I'd go crawling down the avenue, no there's nothing that I wouldn't do, to make you feel my love."

Caris rested her head on his chest again, her body still melted into his. John let out a breath as he kissed the top of her head. "The storms are raging on the rolling sea, and on the highway of regret. The winds and trees are blowing wild and free, you ain't seen nothing like me yet. I could make you happy, make your dreams come true, nothing that I wouldn't do, go to the ends of the earth for you, to make you feel my love."

~

"Nick always talked about how he wanted to bring you here," John said as he sat on the beach with Caris next to him, who was lying on a towel. "He knew you'd love it. Every time we were in California at the beach, he'd say, 'Damn, I wish Caris were here. She would love this, absolutely love this.' And he was right. You do love it."

She smiled. "Yes, I do. Thank you for bringing me here, John."

Leaning over, John placed a small kiss on her head. "Want to head back with me? Jared's going to be calling me soon for a conference call. You can shower, get all the sand off you, and we can go to dinner?" he asked.

Caris nodded as she stood up. John wrapped his arms around her waist as she reached for her towel and bag. She giggled as he nuzzled his face into her neck. "John," she cried while laughing. "Get off of me you goofball!"

He shook his head as his hands quickly turned her body so their fronts were pressed together. "Mmm, Caris," he said, his hands gripping her waist as he lifted her slightly. Her bag fell to the sand as John spun her around.

"John O'Callaghan!" Caris squealed, noticing that they had caught the attention of people. "Put me down, you loser!"

"Oh how hurtful," John said sarcastically as he put her down. She laughed as she leaned into his body. "Caris," he suddenly said. There was something different about the way he said her name. It was deeper and rougher.

When she looked in his eyes, they were darker with a look she hadn't seen from him. Somehow, she knew what it was, though. Guilt filled her body as she watched him swallow hard and then try to compose himself.

She stepped back from him, looking at the sand. "John... I... I'm sorry," she said softly.

Looking back up, she saw he was smiling at her. "Don't apologize. It was my fault. You've already told me that you don't want to kiss me again yet."

"It's not that I don't want to kiss you. I want to kiss you really badly actually, but I just can't... I can't do that to...," she paused for a second, allowing herself to taste the sound of his name on her tongue. Finally, she looked out at the water. "To Nick," she finished. "I can't do that to Nick."

He placed his hand on her waist, then kissed the top of her head. "Let's get back to the hotel."

~

John sat on the edge of their bed in their hotel with the phone pressed to his ear. Almost as soon as they stepped foot into the hotel, John's phone rang with Jared calling. He knew it was for the conference call, so he quickly told Caris just before he answered the phone. As he sat, she was putting things down in their room, then she reached for new clothes and a towel.

She slipped her body into the bathroom, but left the door open. From where he was sitting, John could see her through the mirror. He knew it was wrong to watch her as she untied the strings on her bikini. It was especially wrong because he was barely paying attention to his conference call.

Her fingers pulled the string around her neck first, making the top fall around her chest, then she pulled the one around her back. It fell off her body, hitting the floor. John stared at her body, taking in each scar, crevice, bone, and tattoo. Next she used both hands to push down her bottoms and when she stood back up, her hair flowed down around her breasts, making John bite his lip.

"John... John! John, are you even listening?"

Snapping out of it, John cleared his throat. "No, uh, sorry, what was that?"

"The tour, John... taking a short break for four days when we're in New York?"

His eyes followed Caris as she slipped her body into the bath tub. "Uh yeah, that's... that's fine."

As he watched her in the tub, John tried to pay attention to the call. He gave his input half the time and when it was over, he couldn't have been more thankful. He dropped the phone on the bed, then walked into the restroom.

Caris had her eyes closed as she lied back in the water. The bubbles and water barely covered her breasts and John smiled as he looked down at her. After a moment, she smiled as well. "You can join me if you please," she murmured, her eyes still closed.

He didn't say anything as he pulled off his shirt and pushed down his swim trunks. Caris moved her body forward, allowing John to slide in the water behind her. He pulled her back towards him, her back resting against his chest and between his legs that were bent. She relaxed immensely against his body, feeling as though she was at extreme peace.

John couldn't help but smile as he looked at the situation. He was in California, in a wonderful hotel, in a huge Jacuzzi sized bath tub, and the girl he loved for years was with him.

"John," she murmured.

"Yeah?" he replied.

Instead of replying, Caris reached through the water and grabbed John's hand. She pulled it closer to her body and placed it on her chest, right where her heart was. It was flat on her chest and she placed her hand on top of his. Finally, she let out a breath. "It scares me."

"What does?" he asked, not understanding what she meant or what she was doing.

Another moment of silence passed before she spoke again. "When I was with Joel, my heart would beat for Joel. When we broke up, it beat for myself. Then I was with Nick and everything I did and everything I was, it was for Nick. When he... when he died, I didn't know what to do, because everything about me... it was nothing. My heart didn't beat for Nick, for myself... for anyone. I was an empty shell of a person. I... I don't know when it happened or when I realized it, but that right there, my heart beating, it's for you, John. My heart beats for you. I'm alive and I know it's because of you. And I'm so scared of that. I'm so scared that you're going to leave me and I'll be empty again because I can't do it." As she finished, tears were spilling over in her eyes. "I can't do it, John, I can't be like that again."

He shuffled her carefully so she was turned towards him. Placing his hands on her face, he used his thumbs to wipe her tears away. "Oh baby, that'll never happen," he told her. "I'll never leave you, never, okay?"

Caris shut her eyes as John kissed her face all over, then her lips. He was holding her so tight, but she didn't care. She needed to be that close to him, she needed to feel him and touch him. "Baby, I'll never leave you, I love you," John murmured against her lips. "I love you, so much."

More tears fell at John's words. She moved her head to his chest, resting her body against his in the warm water. She didn't care that she probably looked terrible, crying and wet with her makeup running, and she didn't care that she looked so small in his arms. All she cared about was the fact that in that moment, Caris knew she loved John, and the fact that she couldn't say it out loud.