C'est la Mort

"I like the new hair," Eric murmured as he drove in the dark of night. He glanced at Caris, then looked back at the road just as she reached up to touch her newly dyed brown hair.

In the distance, they could see the sign that confirmed they were leaving California, and that they were now in Nevada. There was nothing but road and stars ahead of them. She murmured a thank you to Eric, barely above a whisper.

"Want to tell me what happened, Car?" he asked her. "I love you and all, but I need an explanation for why you called me and begged me to come get you from John. I thought you two were fine?"

She sighed loudly, not really wanting to talk about what happened but she knew she had to. Caris owed it to Eric, since he had to spend all night driving them back to Arizona. "We got in a fight. A huge fight and now I don't know if John will ever talk to me again. Or if I can ever talk to him again."

"What was the fight about?"

"Nick," she replied.

When John woke up the next morning, Caris had been gone. At first, he assumed she was in the rest room but when he looked up at the ceiling, he noticed that a post-it note was on the head board. The note confirmed that she was actually gone and that she'd be back later. It also said that he should go back to sleep and that she would be back when he woke up again. So John did just that. He fell back asleep.

Waking up three hours later, he could feel Caris in his arms. He nuzzled his face into her neck, but when his eyes opened, he was greeted with brown hair instead of her bleached blonde locks.

"I dyed it," Caris said, knowing he was completely confused. John touched her hair but let it go when she began to turn in his arms. He asked why. "You'll get mad," she murmured.

"Just tell me, Car, I won't get mad."

For a moment, she was silent. She knew that even though he said he wouldn't get mad, that he would. "I promised Nick that if I fell in love with the beach and with California, I'd have to dye my hair brown because he didn't want me to be like every other girl here. He wanted me to be different from them all." John stayed quiet. He shut his eyes, trying to not get angry, but he couldn't help it. "Don't get mad, John, it has nothing to do with you. It was just something I needed to do."

After what seemed like hours, but was only about a minute, John sat up in the bed, his face contorted with anger. "Of course it has nothing to do with me, Caris. It's about Nick, it's always about Nick. You can't - we can't go one fucking day without Nick, and I get it - I do - you loved him and you'll always love him. But I'm not Nick. I will never be Nick nor will I ever be as good as Nick. I'll never live up to his name and I'll never be enough for you, but do you really have to rub it in my God damn face every chance you get?"

"I'm not... I'm not, John. I don't want you to be Nick, I want you to be you. And yes, I loved Nick... I always will, but can you honestly just expect me to drop every feeling I ever felt for him and just completely forget him? Because I can't do that, I can't just forget I loved him and forget the fact that I'm supposed to be currently married to him. I would be married to him if he wasn't-" she stopped, not wanting to say the word.

John, stupidly, took this as an opportunity. "If he wasn't what, Caris?" he asked in an icy voice. She glared at him. "What? If he wasn't dead? Well news flash, he is. Nick is dead and he's not coming back. All these promises and feelings you have for him will never bring him back."

"Fuck you," she told him. Her voice was harsh. John had never heard her sound so rude and dark before. "I wish I never came on this trip with you."

"Yeah, well I wish I didn't waste so much fucking time on you. I wish I never gave you a second glance."

"I wish I never met you," she snapped back, dramatically pushing herself from the bed.

"I wish I never fell in love with you."

When John said those words, Caris felt her heart break. She stopped for a moment, but then quickly began to pack her things up. She was moving way too fast, but she couldn't slow down or she knew she'd cry. "What? Got nothing left to say, Caris?" he egged. "You know, Nick would still be here if you would've just gone with him. He wouldn't have been looking at his phone and he would've noticed the asshole in the gas station. He would still be alive."

She whipped around, dropping the pile of clothes in her hand. Her tear-filled eyes met his and in her darkest of voices, she seethed, "I wish it had been you instead of Nick."

"And then he just stormed out," Caris finished. "I called you after, went to the beach and sat on the sand, then when you said you were ten minutes away, I went back. He still hadn't gone back to the hotel yet."

She could see the wheels turning in Eric's mind. He was processing the information, trying to figure out what to say. Finally, he let out a sigh. "I have no idea what to say," he told her. "I'm not... I'm not good at advice, Car. I'm good at making people laugh and making a fool of myself, but I'm never good with serious shit. That's - that's Jared. He would know what to say and I'm sorry, I just have no idea, other than to say that I'm sorry and it'll be okay, but I know that's not enough."

Caris just shrugged as she turned her gaze to the window. "It's fine, Halvo."

"John - he... he loves you, a lot. He loves you more than he's ever loved anyone, which that's easy to do because John doesn't fall in love. And that fact right there is proof enough that he loves you. And I know that Nick hasn't been gone long and I totally agree and think it's fine that you still love Nick. I mean, you two were supposed to get married. But as much as I see where you're coming from, you need to see John's side of it. He's loved you since he met you, Caris. He's loved you since the moment you walked in the door at Tim's party. But you were Joel's then. You belonged to Joel and he wouldn't do that to him. When you two broke up, John knew it would be wrong to pursue you so quickly but when he finally thought the time was right, you were already with Nick. And for all those years that you guys were together, John has loved you, still," Eric explained. He paused to take a breath, trying to gather his thoughts.

"Do you remember when you and Nick got in that fight when we were all on tour and we were in the hotel for that night?" Eric asked, waiting for Caris to say yes or no. She nodded. "You went to mine and John's hotel room, crying your eyes out and I love you, but you looked awful that night. You looked horrible. And the next day, you left when I was coming back and your face was red and blotchy and your eyes were swollen and you looked like a zombie."

Caris couldn't help but laugh. "Thanks a lot, Halvo, love you, too," she joked with a smile.

He briefly smiled back before continuing. "I said something about how you looked bad and John shook his head and he told me that you still looked beautiful. He didn't care that your hair was a mess and you made makeup all on your face. He didn't care that you looked like shit. He still thought you were beautiful."

"I know, he told me. Right before I left, I apologized for looking a mess and he just smiled at me and told me that I was beautiful in his eyes," Caris recalled.

"You mean everything to John and what he said... while he kind of meant it, he didn't mean to say it as he did. He just hates that he knows he'll never be enough for you. That he'll never live up to Nick Santino."

"But that's not true, I never said that, I never said any of that, he just assumed."

Eric glanced at her, seeing how desperate her eyes looked for an answer. "Then tell him."

~

When they got back to Tempe, Eric took Caris to her apartment. He smiled as she gathered her things, then gave her a pointed look. "Remember what I said, Car. Don't ignore him."

"Thank you, Eric. For everything. Your advice was great, also."

"Better than Jared's?" he teased. Caris grinned as she shut the door.

Once she was in her apartment, she let out a sigh. Her mind was racing over what to do. She didn't know if she should call John or wait for him to call her. After her talk with Eric, part of Caris could see where John was coming from but the other part of her was still so hurt at his words. She knew that her words were just as harsh.

Caris also knew that it was probably wrong of her to dye her hair, because John was right. Nick was no longer alive, so she didn't need to keep her promise of dying her hair brown. She did it anyway, though. When she was sitting in the hair dresser's chair, she knew it would hurt John.

Despite how late it was in the night, Caris picked her purse back up. She fished her car keys out, left her apartment, and got in her car. The drive was short and before Caris knew it, she was sitting at the cemetery in front of Nick's grave. Her eyes scanned the headstone as she read the words. The day of his death haunted her. It felt so recent, and it was. She felt horrible for trying to move on so quickly. Maybe that was why she couldn't move on - because it was too soon. Maybe that was why she kept doing things for Nick and talking about him.

Tears began to fall from her delicate eyes. "I don't know what to do, Nick," she cried. Reaching forward, she ran her fingers along the engraved words of his name. "I love you so much. I miss you more than anything."

Her fingers tried to push away the tears but there was no point, they wouldn't stop falling. "I feel so alone without you. I know I have John and Eric and Joel and all the guys, but I just... I feel completely alone. I can't fill this emptiness in my heart still. It hurts so much all the time. I thought it would be easier by now but it's not. It's just easier to fake that I'm not as hurt. And everyone is about to leave me. Joel is already gone on tour and John and the guys are leaving soon. Eric is moving to Los Angeles soon and I just... I'll be all alone again."

She crossed her legs in front of her while pulling her phone from her pocket. Caris went through her photo album, but stopped on a certain picture. It was of her and Nick on the night of his death. Joel had snapped the photo and it captured the essence of their relationship perfectly. Caris had been laughing, her hand raised to her face, but not entirely covering it. Nick was next to her as he sat on the couch. His arm was loosely wrapped around her waist, his leg was crossed and resting on top of his other leg and he was smiling at Caris. It was clear as day how much he loved her.

More tears fell from her eyes. "I just wish you were here. It would be so much easier. It's not fair. Nothing is fair anymore, I need you." Caris continue to flip through her pictures of the night Nick died. Most were of her laughing of the guys or of Nick. But she paused when she stopped on a picture of herself and John. It was one of them talking after John had arrived. Caris was smiling as she spoke with her hands and John was looking at her in amazement. It wasn't amazement because of what she was saying, but Caris could tell that it was amazement because of how much he loved her.

"I love him, Nick," she finally said. Once the words were spoken out loud, Caris felt a huge weight fall from her shoulders. "But I can't... I can't be with him when you're still always on my mind. I can't do that to John, he doesn't deserve it. The things I said to him were... they were awful. I was just so... so mad. He drives me crazy, Nick." Caris was silent for a minute as she stared at the headstone. Her eyes fell to the ring on her left hand. It was her engagement ring. She hadn't ever taken it off, feeling as though it would betray Nick. "He took me to California and I loved it, Nick. That's why I dyed my hair brown... for you. I like it, though. It's a good change from the blonde. Maybe you always knew that... that'd I would like the brown. You always knew me better than I knew myself. So does John."

She pulled the ring from her finger, holding it up to face to examine the ring she loved. "I can't be with him and still hold on to you, Nick. I can't let go you yet, though."

Caris stood up from the ground and gathered her things. Her phone began to buzz in her hand. Confused because it was so late, she looked at the caller. John's name flashed across the screen. She ignored the call, watching as the screen changed to one saying she had a missed call. A second later, a text from John was received.

I'm so sorry. I love you.

After reading it, Caris slipped her phone in her back pocket. The ring stayed in her fingers for a moment longer. With a sigh, she placed the ring on top of the headstone. "But I have to let go," she whispered.