C'est la Mort

The first week after the boys left, Caris spent most of her time with Eric, helping him pack up all his stuff for his big move to Los Angeles. She found that it was a good distraction to keep her mind off of both Nick and John.

Eric was entertaining, as always, but it seemed as if he was trying harder than usual. He wanted to help Caris, he wanted her to be okay. His thoughts were that if she were distracted, she wouldn't think of either, and eventually, she'd realize that she did fine without them for that week.

When Nick died, it tore Eric Halvorsen apart. Not only was he Nick's band mate, but he was always one of his best friends. They had been close from the beginning, Nick was like a brother to Eric. They had been through a lot together and Eric was more than thankful to have him in his life. So when Nick died, it was also as if part of him had died as well.

But Eric wasn't in love with Nick, of course not because he was very much straight. While he could sympathize with Caris on most levels, he couldn't on a few as well. He couldn't feel what she was feeling, which he guessed was intense at times. The way it tore her apart saddened Eric. He knew that no one was as hurt as Caris was, except maybe Nick's immediate family.

Deciding to move to Los Angeles was a decision Eric had thought long and hard over. He loved Arizona, it was where he grew up. All his friends remained there and his family as well, but he needed a change. It was hard to live in that city, too much had happened there. While he felt bad for leaving, he had to do this for himself. Usually Eric was one to always think of others, this time he was thinking of himself.

Unlike Nick, Eric loved Los Angeles. It was his favorite city and he wanted to move there to try and move on with his life, kind of like how Caris moved to Tempe from Braintree. It was a hard decision, but it was something he felt was for the best.

On the day Eric left, he watched as Caris tried her hardest to hold herself together. He felt completely terrible for leaving her, just as This Century and The Maine were on tour, but just like Caris was trying to fix herself, Eric was trying to do the same thing.

She didn't cry, even though he knew she wanted to. She had her sunglasses on, even though it wasn't too sunny, and she had little to no facial expression. She was blank as she hugged Eric tightly. Her body shook and her voice waivered as she told him goodbye. And when he drove off, in his rearview mirror, Eric saw her fall to the ground, crippled in tears. He knew better than to turn around, though. Instead, he called John and told him to call her.

When John called her, she quickly composed herself. John asked her if she was alright, which she said she was, then she said she had to go, and she hung up. Somehow, Caris managed to get to her bedroom. She turned off all the lights, crawled under the covers, and stayed in her bed.

The second week she spent alone was much like the first month she spent without Nick. Caris lied in her bed the whole time. She didn't eat, she barely slept, and she only got up to use the restroom, which was rare since she didn't eat. When her phone rang, she wouldn't answer. She just lied in her bed with the lights off, with a hundred thoughts in her head the whole time.

It was a Tuesday when she finally got up from bed. It was especially sunny that day and the previous night, Caris had actually slept. She dreamt of Nick and only Nick. It was like a movie of his life, which Caris loved. She woke up with a smile on her face for the first time in awhile.

After showering and getting ready, Caris got on her laptop. She booked a plane ticket, packed her bag, and she was on a plane four hours later. The long plane ride felt relatively short to Caris and not even an hour after landing, Caris was knocking on an all too familiar door.

A beautiful blonde older woman answered the door. As soon as her eyes laid on Caris, she gasped and smiled, pulling the younger girl inside. "Oh honey," Mrs. Santino said, hugging her as the door slowly shut.

Caris smiled as she stayed in Mrs. Santino's embrace. She felt tears prick her eyes and when she pulled back from her hug, she saw that Mrs. Santino had tears in her eyes as well. "Darling, come in here, look who is here," she called to Mr. Santino.

Only a couple moments later, Mr. Santino was in the foyer as well. He let out a chuckle as he smiled and also hugged Caris. "Hello there, stranger. What brings you up here?" he asked. He didn't say it in a rude way, it was in a playful way.

"Well, I spent the last couple months basically in bed the whole time, and Eric moved and all the boys are on their tours and I spent all last week just really down, and I woke up this morning and I felt... different, I guess. So I bought a plane ticket and here I am," Caris explained, leaving out many details.

Mrs. Santino grabbed her hand, leading her further into the home. "We've missed you so much, honey. You look very beautiful. And you're thin, are you eating, Caris? Are you hungry? I was just about to start dinner, you're staying aren't you?"

"I'll stay," Caris said. "I uh, I'm sorry I haven't been up here or seen you since...," she trailed off.

Waving her hand at her, Mrs. Santino led them into the kitchen. "You can help me cook," she said. "But nonsense, honey, it's understandable. We've all been through quite a bit these past few months."

"How are you holding up, sweetie?" Mr. Santino asked, his hand going around her shoulders.

Caris shrugged. "I've been better, of course. But I'm getting through it... day by day."

For the next hour and a half, they all talked about how they were doing. Caris helped Mrs. Santino cook and Mr. Santino drank a beer as he leaned against the counter. Doing all of that made Caris remember why she loved Nick's family so much. She missed them dearly.

During dinner, Caris shared stories and memories about times they all shared. For the first time, she found herself smiling at memories of Nick and not wanting to cry. Maybe it was because being in the Santino household made her feel like he was still there. She could feel his presence there and it was very comforting.

Caris spoke of how John helped her get through a lot of the really bad times and as she did that, Mrs. Santino smiled at her. "You know, you're allowed to move on," Mrs. Santino said softly. "You're allowed to love someone other than Nick." Caris furrowed her eyebrows at her, confused. "I can see the way your eyes glow when you talk about John. You love him, Caris. You don't need to be scared. I knew my son very well. He would want you to move on... to be happy again. We want that for you also, sweetie."

"I don't... I'm not...," Caris sighed. "I love Nick more than anything in this world. I still do, I always will. It's so hard to get through every damn day."

"I know you will, but you need to make room for someone else in your heart. You're still so young, you can't... cage your heart in forever." She placed her hand on my arm. "It was never going to be easy, sweet girl. No one expects you to find any of this easy."

After dinner, Mrs. Santino insisted on her staying the night at their place. She ended up deciding to stay in Nick's old room. While lying in his bed, Caris felt an unusual amount of comfort. It felt like he was holding her again.

"I love you," Nick," she whispered in the room. "I love you so much."

Waking up the next morning, it felt like she was a teenager again, she stood from Nick's bed and cleaned herself up. She washed her face, brushed her teeth, and changed before making her way downstairs. Mrs. and Mr. Santino were at the kitchen table, smiles on their faces as they spoke to each other.

"Good morning," she announced as she made her way in. They both greeted her and Mrs. Santino got her a breakfast plate and coffee. Caris thanked them.

"What are your plans for the day, sweetheart?" Mrs. Santino asked.

Caris swallowed her drink of coffee. "I was thinking of visiting my family and some of mine and Nick's old friends. I was thinking of stopping by the old apartment and making sure all the loose ends are tied up."

"Well the apartment is taken care of. I stopped by there right after you moved to Arizona and took care of everything," Mr. Santino informed as he flipped the page in the morning paper. "Joel and Kennedy got everything for the most part but everything else is in the garage."

She smiled at him. "Thank you so much," she replied.

"Caris, honey, I ran into Mr. Schmidt at the super market this morning. I mentioned to him that you were in town. He wants you to stop by the record store when you get a chance."

After breakfast, Caris found herself dressed and walking along the streets in downtown Braintree. She was breathing in the crisp air and had a pleasant look on her face. It was truly a wonderful feeling to be home again.

She opened up the familiar door to the record shop she used to work at, which caused he small bell to chime. Caris looked over at the counter, to be greeted by a man she knew all too well and with a grin on his face.

"Hey sweet girl, it's so good to see you," Mr. Schmidt said while standing from his stool to hug the girl. "You look beautiful."

Grinning, Caris hugged him. "I've missed you, Bobby."

"It's been too long since I've seen your pretty face, but it's understandable."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. It's been a long couple of months. But I'm doing a lot better. I'm getting better."

He smiled and pulled her over to the far left wall of the store. He pointed to it, where words were written in a hand writing that Caris knew all too well.

"She is my rock and my roll and thunder, I love her more than music. Find someone you love more than music and you'll always be happy." -Nick Santino

Caris smiled to herself as she read it. "He painted it on the wall about a week before he passed."

She opened her mouth to reply, but she stopped by the sound of her phone ringing. Apologizing, she quickly answered the call that said belonged to John.

"Hey John," she murmured.

She could hear the smile in his voice. "Hey baby, I miss you so much."

A smile also formed on her own lips. "I miss you too. How's the tour?"

"It's going well. But how are you doing? Nick's mom called me to say you're there. Why didn't you tell me you were going to Braintree?"

Caris gave an apologetic look to Mr. Schmidt and he just smiled, but turned his attention as customers walked in. "It was a little impulsive. I just needed to get away."

"I would have gone with you there, baby."

She knew he would have but Caris didn't want him to. This was something she needed to do alone. "I know but you're on tour and I was anxious." In the background, she heard one of the guys call his name. "I'll let you go. Have fun."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"I want you to tell me that when I get home, baby."