Forever

I tried to pull down my uniform skirt, but to no avail. My rear-end was far too large to allow me any sort of relief from wandering eyes as I passed. The black, pleated fabric covered what needed to be covered, yet it still seemed to accentuate my behind. I very much did NOT like that.

I hated the way boys would stare and smirk with their adventurous hands taking a dive for me every once in a while. I supposed I should have reported them for harassment, but I'd rather not get in any more trouble with their girlfriends than I already was just by having their sneaky eyes on me.

"I'm tellin' you, man...I'd like to get a piece a'that!" a tall boy named Toby said to his friend when I hurried past. Apparently, I was not quick enough because a large hand reached over to smack my butt as I made my way down the school hall. I tried not to cry with embarrassment after I jumped with a squeal at its contact, gaining attention of what felt like the entirety of my school. They snickered and pointed whilst I attempted to keep it together in public. I rushed to my English class, sitting down in my desk with a huff.

I wondered what Twitch would've had to say about their crude behavior... He'd probably get very angry because he would always be on edge when a boy would "ask me out" when I was little. He'd put them down and convince me to never talk to the boy again because he would just get between us, and of course, my relationship with Twitch was far more important than an elementary-school boyfriend.

I could only imagine how furious he would be if he knew how these pigs were touching me...

I didn't want to imagine anymore. I wanted to experience it for myself. I wanted him back so I could hear him ranting about how they were all "annoying punks", as he often referred to my peers.

But he wasn't coming home and I knew it.

Get over it, Marie! Just move on already!

It was hard to move on when my hand was practically programmed to draw tiny hearts on things at just the thought of him. I thought about him a lot and it showed because most of my papers were doused in neat heart shapes. I often drew lines down them when I got upset. It was something that had started recently, when I had a dream of a mysterious man kissing me. Of course, as it was but a dream, I kissed back, but I was still confused until the man spoke. His voice was clear and perfect. It was my Twitchy's voice. Sure, it was distorted slightly due to the fact that I had not actually heard it in years and my memory was not exact, but it was him all the same. I knew I'd loved him, but having such a dream was eye-opening for me and I could not get past it. I did not know what a real kiss felt like, but it was enough for me.

It also made his lack of presence even more unbearable.

I was shaken from my thoughts when Ryan Darwin plopped down beside me, "Got a little crush, do ya, Marie?"

"Wha-huh?" I asked, dazed as a few of his friends drifted nearby.

"You got hearts scribbled all over your shit, I asked you if you got a guy you're thinkin' about?"

Why lie to him? "Sure, I do," I replied.

"What's he like?"

"Why should I tell you?"

"'Cause I wanna know who's getting ass from you when the rest of us ain't got a chance," he simpered.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, girl."

"Well, for your information, he's a lot better than you," I mentally slapped myself at how stupid I sounded. I mean, I was in high school and I still didn't have good social skills.

"Oh, really?" they all laughed at me, "How so? I'd like to know what I'm up against."

"You don't even compare," I snarled. I was actually kind of proud of that comeback, so I continued, "He's a million times the man you are."

"Do I know this guy?"

"No."

"What school does he go to so I can go find him and beat the shit outta him?"

I laughed out loud at the thought of Ryan Darwin picking a fight with Twitch, "He doesn't go to school. He's older."

I didn't know his real age, but of course he had years on me. He sounded like a full adult when I was ten.

"Yeah? What's his name?"

"I'd never tell you."

"Because he's imaginary, right?"

"No!"

"Then why doesn't he seem real? Just tell me his name."

"Leave me alone."

Thankfully, the teacher called for class to begin and Ryan backed off.

I knew it wouldn't be long before he tried to pull something again. Much like other guys in my school, he seemed determined on having his way with me.

And I was right. Within the next twenty minutes, I felt his hand creep onto my thigh. I smacked him away with glare and crossed my legs to block him as he chuckled to himself, but retracted his fingers anyway.

In time, but not soon enough, class ended and I was done for the day. I speedily grabbed my book bag, headed to the door and continued right on out of the school.

I walked home because I had bad experiences with bus rides, and my silver Cadillac was in the shop.

I had passed the church just outside of town and made it about halfway down the block when a male voice called out to me, saying, "Hey, Marie-baby!"

How dare he call me a name Twitch had used for me? I wanted to slap him, but I was much too afraid to turn around when I recognized the voice coming from behind me to be the upperclassman Gregory Elhert, "Hows about ya come over and have a little fun with us, huh?" When I ignored them, they only laughed.

I tried to trudge on and leave them behind, but had no luck for I heard the pattering of footsteps behind me just before a hand grabbed my arm and tugged me backwards. Too weak to protest his strong grip, I allowed the person to drag me back around a nearby structure. A few others in his grade, Craig, Ronnie and Dave, were there, smoking something that smelled much like skunk.

It reminded me of the night that Twitch and I fell apart...when he'd come home to me with the same stench clinging to him.

"Ah! So the princess of Red Pine High has decided to join us!" Craig exclaimed as he threw down the white thing producing the smoke and put it out under his shoe.

"I'm glad you've finally come around, sweetcheeks," Dave added.

I just shook in fear as his fingers traced the hem of my skirt.

"Why are you shakin', babe? You ain't got nothin' to fear 'bout us."

"Yeah, don't you worry 'bout a thing."

"I'll worry all I want," I squeaked.

"Awwh," they all cooed in unison.

"Would you just listen to her? She's got the prettiest voice in all of Louisiana! Looks to me like we got ourselves a little Southern Belle!" Gregory purred as he grabbed my waist, "I'd hate for a sweetie pie like this one to go to waste, wouldn't you, boys?" they nodded in agreement, "Then let's eat it up, shall we?" he said and pushed me against the cement wall and began sucking on my neck.

I felt tears begin to fall down my cheeks. What was he doing? Who sucks on people's necks? And why couldn't these boys just leave me be?

"Don't you cry, girlie," one of the others spoke. I couldn't tell which as I could not recognize them by their voices and my eyes were squeezed shut, "We're gonna take good care of you."

I only cried harder when a pair of hands gripped my chest. I couldn't believe I was trapped like this. Never had anyone taken it so far as these guys.

They just laughed loudly as Gregory rubbed his pelvis against me and unbuttoned my blouse. It frightened me how quick and easy it was for them to gain control.

"No, no, no, no," I repeated, gaining volume. I was, however, stopped when Ronnie's hand came up and held my mouth shut.

I let out muffled pleas as he, too, began to touch me.

I was saved by someone shouting, "Hey! Get off of her!"

They all looked to the left and out onto the sidewalk before bolting in the opposite direction. I slid down the wall and bawled. The man who'd defended me jogged over and crouched in front of me, "Child, come to the church. We'll get you safe."

I looked up to see Father Terrance smiling down at me. Noticing my exposed bra, I hastily fastened the pearl buttons and muttered, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry for what they did. Besides, I'm not one to look, so you're all right," his kind eyes gazed at me as I wiped fiercely at my own. He held his hand out and led me to my feet, "Come on, we'll ring your parents and have them come pick you up," he offered.

I shook my head, "Thank you, but my parents are both working and they won't be available for a while, so I'll just walk on home."

"Nonsense! You can stay and hang out with little ol' me for a while! Unless you don't want to, in which case, I'd be glad to give you a ride."

"Uh...sure," I grinned, "Maybe I could help out or something."

Resting his hand on my upper back and beaming at me, he gently showed me to the church doors. I was still shivering as aftershock when I stepped into the lovely building. The stained glass windows illuminated the room in bright colors as candles flickered at the altar.

"Thank you...for stopping them, Father."

"Ah, it's nothing. What kind of holy man would I be if I allowed that to happen to a nice girl like you? Or to anyone, for that matter?"

"I guess you wouldn't be a very good one," I blushed and giggled. I was always awkward around grown-ups and Pastor Terrance wasn't an exception.

"Marilyn, would you like to talk about what happened today? That was some serious stuff," he asked as we sat down in the pews.

"Well, I need you to promise me something first."

"I'll see what I can do."

"Please don't tell my parents about any of this."

"Marie, child...I don't think I can promise that."

"Please, Father, you must. If my parents hear of this, we will move and I will have to switch schools again. I'm so tired of it -moving, I mean- after all the things I've gone through...I get a good education here and I really cannot throw that away just because boys are pigs."

He laughed, "That they are...Are you sure about this, Marie? Normally, I'd write you off and say that this behavior needs to stop no matter what, but I can see that it means a lot to you that we keep this between us," I nodded in agreement, "This is far out of my comfort zone, but I'm sure you can talk me into it. Now, do fill me in to justify my mouth staying shut."

I giggled when he winked; I had been to service, but I had never really had one-on-one time with the pastor, and I found him to be a truly lovely person. I instantly felt safe around him. I proceeded to tell him about the years of bullying I faced due to fidgeting and being suicidal. He seemed particularly bothered by my consideration of death.

"Why did you feel like that?" his chocolate eyes were concerned as he questioned.

"I...uh...I lost a very dear friend. My parents never knew about him so I didn't have anyone to talk to, either."

"Please do not take offense, because I'm just covering all bases...but was this friend imaginary? Sometimes they can be just as real as you and me."

"No...No, he wasn't," I looked to my hands. That was the second time in around two hours that someone had suggested Twitch not being real.

"Why didn't you tell your mother and father about your friend?"

"I...just didn't. I was young and we...we loved each other very much. I was afraid that if my parents knew, they'd take him away."

"Why would they take him away?"

I smirked, "He was a bit of a bad boy."

Pastor Terrance chuckled, "That'll do it," he grabbed my hand, "You loved this boy? And he passed away?"

"I still love him...and no, he left. I haven't heard from him since I was eleven. That was also when I started my attempts to kill myself," my voice grew quieter as my sentence died out.

"You were only eleven when you began to feel your life had no value?" I could see the sadness in his eyes as he squeezed my tiny hand in large ones.

"That's right...I couldn't handle the fact that he'd left me. I knew he didn't love me like I loved him, but he loved me all the same."

"You're saying you were in love with this boy, but it was unrequited?"

"Yeah, I guess I am...it must sound foolish for me to say I was in love by the time I was eleven, but it still hurts to think about him and it’s been five years. That has to mean something."

"I don't think it is foolish. Love can be found in the most unexpected places and at the most unexpected times."

"I know it. He always told me how I sneaked up on him and how what we had was one in a million."

"Do you still believe him? After all this time, do you doubt him at all?"

"Not for a second. I know he was telling the truth. He left me a note the night he left, explaining why he had to go."

"Something tells me that despite this note, you still don't understand."

"I don't...but as much as I hate his absence, I will go along with it as long as that is what he wants. And that is what he wanted."

"Did he say this in his note?"

"He did. I can bring it in if you'd like?" I don't know why I was so quick to offer such a personal thing, but I didn't regret it. I'd held onto that thing for years, maybe it was time to share it for once. It really felt very good to tell someone about Twitch. I'd kept him to myself for too long and finally letting it out was a pleasure.

"Sure. Perhaps I can get a better sense of him through his letter."

I thought silently for a moment before stating in a hushed voice, "I wish I could talk to him about the boys at school. Even though he was a hot head and would definitely have a fit if another guy even glanced at me, I still would like to hear what he would've had to say."

"Did he ever take this anger out on you?"

"Never. He knew it wasn't my fault. He'd just rant to me about it."

"Tell me, is this boy older? You speak as if he left on his own choice and independence, and the way you describe him makes me think he is more mature than you were at the time."

"Yes he is...I think that is why he didn't care for me like I did him."

"I don't know if I believe that. He sounds to be a very jealous person. Perhaps he was jealous because he wasn't allowed to be with you like these other boys could due to your difference in age. Does that sound reasonable? How much older was he?"

"I'm not sure exactly, but the age gap wasn't too bad," my heart fluttered and dropped painfully at the idea of Twitch having feelings for me.

He looked skeptical at my answer, but let it slide when he saw the tears gathering in my eyes as we continued on the topic of my Twitchy.

Fortunately, he asked me about the boys at school to change the subject. I explained my situation and he listened patiently. I told him how dirty remarks never seemed to stop and that today was the first time anyone had acted so aggressively.

"Marilyn, you realize that this is really hard for me to keep to myself."

"I do, Father...but I assure you that I'm all right. It will be fine."

"Okay," he frowned, "just know that you are welcome here whenever. I spend most of my time here so you can safely assume that I'll be here should you need anything," he flashed a caring smile before slapping his knees, "Enough of this deep stuff. How about we take a break and I'll put on a pot of tea. I'll bet your parents will be home by the time we've finished."



I adjusted my floral dress after I hopped out of my newly tuned-up car. I tugged the white cardigan tighter around me as the wind continued to blow. Quickly, as I was both eager to reach my destination and to find warmth against the rather chilly autumn day, I hustled toward the stone steps. When I finally reached the door, I nearly threw it open, attracting the attention of the person I came to see.

"Marilyn! I'm so glad to see you!" Pastor Terrance exclaimed as he adjusted candles at the altar.

"Hello, Father. I was hoping you'd be here."

"Well, here I am!" he turned around fully as I walked over to him. His chocolate eyes smiled along with his lips as he greeted me by grabbing my hand in his and squeezing it once before turning back to his task of lining up the tiny glass cups, "What can I do for you?"

"I brought his letter."

He froze at my words before once again spinning on his heels to meet my eyes.

I pulled the worn paper out of my purse and held it out to him. After he took it, my eyes immediately shot to the floor, examining my sandals as I ground my feet into the red carpeting of the pathway.

I continued to study my shoes as he silently read it over what seemed like a few times, "Wow, this is...uh...a bit heartbreaking, I must say. I won't lie and say that this guy didn't come off pretty sketchy to me, but...the way his words flow and how his hand writing falters in certain spots makes it hard for me to doubt this person," he gazed at me sympathetically, "Though, I would like to know why he thought you weren't safe around him...?"

"That's the part I don't understand. He always protected and defended me and the idea of him not being able to do that is unnerving and almost surreal. He said he was dangerous and I just find that hard to believe."

"Were there any signs of him being any sort of threat to you? Did something happen that may have triggered him to worry about hurting you?”

“Well, uhm…I had lost trust in him for a few weeks. I shouldn’t have, but I did.”

“What happened?”

I took a deep breath before speaking. I had to plan out my words so I didn’t sound like crazy, schizophrenic girl, “It was my eleventh birthday and our second anniversary. It was very important to both of us, but suddenly, he’d just disappeared. When I finally saw him,” I began to choke on my growing tears as the memory resurfaced. Nevertheless, I stuttered on, “he was completely drunk and smelled like sex,” I almost struggled to say the sinful word, “Sure, he wasn’t technically mine to be jealous over, but…I mean…he was mine. He was!”

Pastor Terrance led me to sit on the steps of the platform in the front of the room. He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, “He cheated on you.”

“Y-yes. I guess he did.”

“On your birthday/anniversary.”

I looked into his eyes and let out a sob and wiping my cheeks. I nodded, “I forgave him not long after he came back, because he was so sorry for what he’d done. I still feel like something was behind all of that. I don’t think he would have done that to me if something hadn’t been clouding his judgment.”

“Of course his judgment was clouded. You said he was drunk.”

“Yes, he was, but it was more than that. Something was wrong that day; before he left. I didn’t really notice it until he was officially gone less than a month later, but he wasn’t himself. He seemed very…sad,” I sniffled, “Even so, I still lost all trust in him…Anyway, for the next few weeks, there was a lot of tension between us and it was obvious that my distance was affecting him badly.”

“Badly how?”

“I don’t really know…it’s just that he cared about me so much and I don’t think he could handle being rejected.”

“Do you think he was afraid he might harm you because he was so hurt by you refusing him?”

“No, I don’t,” my tears had almost entirely subsided, “Like I said, there was something wrong before any of it happened. Whatever it was had to have been something I didn’t know about.”

“All right…And also, his name was Twitchy?”

“He signed it Twitchy because we had an inside joke about it,” I lied, as no such joke existed.

I could sense how wary he was about the whole situation of keeping quiet on the things I told him. My assumptions were dignified when he ran a hand through his dark hair, "This just feels so wrong to keep to myself. These boys touching you...This young man being a part of your life without your family's knowledge. I don't feel good about this at all."

I spoke up, “Please, Father, I know it’s all weird and such, but I really need you to keep my secrets, ok?”

He gave me an understanding and melancholy look, “Of course.”

I breathed out a ‘thank you’ and accepted the letter as he handed it back to me.

"Well, Marilyn, I've got to prepare some things for the morning. If I don't start soon, I'll be up all night and I'll be so tired I won't even be able to lead tomorrow's prayer! Drop by soon, okay?" Pastor Terrance chuckled and stood.

"All right, Father. That'd probably be best!" I smiled, but internally begged him to stay. I never wanted to stop talking to him, for he was the first person that even associated with me in a friendly way other than my family. The only time anyone else speaks to me, it's a guy seeking to get lucky.

Sure, he was a grown up, but maybe I'd have a real friend again...I would go home and pray that night that I didn't mess it up, as has been my ritual since I met the pastor.

And I would also pray that maybe I wouldn't always be a loner.

When I moved to the town a few years back, I had thought I'd get a fresh start and that things could change for me...

But they didn't really. Except this time, everyone didn't hate me, they just wanted "a bite outta" me.

I didn't understand what that meant. I assumed it was sexual.

I honestly did think I had a shot at normality. When I first arrived, I was still pretty young. I made some friends and I was your average middle school girl.

Until I hit puberty.

Most girls looked forward to it and considered it a good thing, but I could only view it as a punishment. When I had Twitch, I was eager to become a woman, but now that I had a body of one without anybody to impress, it was a burden. Girls hated me and I'd lost my friends to jealousy. No one could stand to be around me without getting upset they didn't have me or my assets. I was considered to have the "juicy-est" bottom in Red Pine. The thought made me sick. I didn't like to know people fantasized about me in such a disgusting way.

Unless it was Twitch.

I almost wished that he thought about me sexually.

But that was a dream. The last time he saw me, I was just a child. It would've been sick of him to do such a thing.

That didn't change the fact that I wouldn't have minded for his rough hands to touch me...to feel his lips on my skin...

It didn't feel good when Gregory did it, but maybe I'd even like it if Twitch sucked on my neck.

Have I lost it? What is wrong with me?! I can't think like that!

I smacked my forehead before letting out a huff.

Even still, things were starting to brighten for me, it seemed. I hadn't been this happy in years.