Forever

I really hated that Twitchy and I didn't interact like we used to. When he ditched me on my birthday, I had forgiven him, but nothing would be the same. He'd lost the trust we'd built over the past two years. At first, I wondered if I was overreacting, but I'd come to the conclusion that I had every right to feel the way I did. It seemed that he'd really shown me what I meant to him.

And it hurt so bad. I knew I'd never be enough to him, but I'd grown content with being his little girl. Clearly, that was too much to ask of him. But what did I expect? For him to be with me forever, for whatever reason he was with me at all? Yes, I did and it was a foolish dream.

He knew he'd really screwed up, as he spent every second he could talking to me, complimenting me, reminding me how much he "loved" me. I almost wanted him to shut up. Almost. Not only was he borderline annoying, but he sounded so broken, and as angry as I was, his pain was my pain.

I knew he was sorry--but what for? What were his intentions with me in the first place? Was he sorry he jeopardized some higher motive, or was he sorry because he actually did care?

I began to question him, and I could feel how uneasy it made him.

It's not like everyone had someone like him...I was surprised I hadn't suspected anything earlier on. There was something off about it all, and I was just getting old enough to understand that. I knew he was real, he had to be--but how was he able to inhabit my mind? Nothing made sense.

Why did I ever trust him?



The last few weeks had torn me apart. Marilyn was so...calm. So calm that I knew she was still pissed at me. I didn't expect her complete forgiveness...but I needed to fix it, and badly. I was miserable and starting to lose my mind. I fucked up and I was paying the price, but I hated it--despite the fact that I deserved it.
I think what scared me most was that if she began to lose too much faith in me or became too frightened, I would be forced to dispose of her, and that was clearly the last thing I'd want to do.

So what could I do to get her back? There wasn't much. She wasn't allowed to see my goddamn face, so it's not like I could take her anywhere, nor could I do the usual tactics of wooing a person back on your side. I had nothing. I'd never had to do this before, and I sure as hell did not know which route to take.

I had a few ideas, and the most rational solution was not one I was comfortable with, but one I might have to choose in order to keep my baby alive.

It would cost me a lot...and not only in the agony of losing her, but also because I would be breaking my sentence and committing a crime.

But it would be worth it. If I had to run, so be it. If I got caught, I'd lead them away from her and let them kill me. Or try to at least. I wasn't sure if it was actually possible, as no one of my kind had ever tried, but they'd still torture me to the point of death for any lesser being than myself. I'd rather die than live without her. It would've been nice to die.

As I thought of my possibilities, it became clear what needed to be done. I'd leave. I would never come back and she would be safe...

From me.

I was the danger.

All I wanted to do is keep her out of harms way, but it's me
who I should have been protecting her from.

If I died, even better. I'd be gone, and they'd never find her.

If you have any mercy for me God, let them get me.



About a week after my decision, I sang to Marilyn until she fell asleep within her dreamworld, in order to ensure she was in a deep slumber. Once I was positive she would not awaken if I disappeared, I slowly faded out of her mind and materialized in her bedroom. I felt a gut-wrenching pain as I got to look upon her face for the first time. I'd always seen it through her eyes in the mirror or photographs. They couldn't even compare to the real deal. She was the most lovely thing I'd ever looked upon. Dare I say it, she was fairer than even my own mother and my mother was beautiful. Up until that moment, in Marie's room, I'd always thought Mother would be the most perfect face I'd ever see, but I was proven wrong.

Succumbing to my utter dread of leaving, I gently crawled beside her onto the bed and gingerly wrapped her up into my arms. Her eyes fluttered, making me freeze for a moment until she sighed and curled into me. Still dreaming, she mumbled, "I love you, Twitchy."

I choked back tears as I brought her closer, placing my lips to her forehead, "I love you, too, baby."

I held her for what felt like only a few moments until I saw the sunlight peeking into her room, the rays staining the room an almost sickening red-orange. I ran my fingers against her rose cheeks and after staring at her face dumbly for a moment, I leaned into kiss them. When I tried to pull away, however, her small arms came up to hold me and lock me in place. Afraid that she'd awoken, I fused our minds for a moment in order to find her still out like a light and, while I was there, I allowed my feelings to seep into her dreamland, dyeing her made-up sky a pale pink, the stars shining through the blushed heavens. I felt her cheek curl up into a smile and my tears built. Before I caused her sky to rain, I retreated to the real world, pulling away from her embrace as gently as I could. I had to admit, as I looked at her face...something abut this girl seemed like she would be the woman of my dreams many years down the road. Yeah, she was certainly too much of a child now, but in that moment something clicked. As a child she was able to reach an untouched part of my soul, which was no easy feat. How would she be in 10 years? 20? I would never find out, and especially so if I were to stay.

I beat myself up for even projecting full adulthood on her while she was still with her youth. I was always sick and twisted somehow. I justified it in my mind by reminding myself that it's not like I aged anyway. I would always be too old for anyone. I was thousands of years older than many of my own kind, so why the hell should I care about the age of a mere human? Despite myself, I imagined her somewhere in her twenties in this same position. Instead of a chaste hug, I'd have placed a tender kiss upon her lips, which would be even fuller in time. I suddenly thought to kiss the corner of her mouth, the closest I would ever get to experiencing that future without violating the purest thing I ever knew... I wanted to leave her with something...Maybe she'd never know I was her first almost kiss, but I knew, and that made me content as I could be at that moment.

And then I was washed over with a sick feeling. I couldn't stall anymore. I needed to pull myself out of her life before she made me change my mind and give in to my selfish ways. Little by little, I detached myself from her again, whispering, "You are the only one, Marilyn. The only one. I love you more than you'll ever know." Not even I knew what my words meant.

I hoped that she'd heard me somehow.

I silently got up and walked over to her dresser, retrieving a pink piece of paper from her desk and a black pen.

Dearest Marilyn,
I'm so sorry I had to leave you. I wish it didn't have to be this way and you'll always be on my mind. There is so much I wish I could say to you, but I haven't much time and I don't think I could express myself enough on just a piece of paper. You have to understand that I left for your safety; I left because I love you, not because I didn't want you. I'd ask you to try and forget me, but I am not a fool. I know you won't...but just try to move on. You'll never see me again and I don't want you to linger on me like I will you. I deserve to hurt, you do not. Please, babydoll, just know that I've never loved anything more than I love you. You are not safe with me. I'm dangerous and I can't protect you like I so want to. I'll always love you, and even though I'm gone, I'll make sure you're out of harms ways for good. You just have to promise you will stay out of trouble for me. You are no longer in my control and I have no way to stop you from anything, but I'd like to think that you'll stay safe, even when I'm not around. Otherwise, I'd have left for nothing.

Love always and forever yours,

Twitchy

I dropped the pen as a few tears fell onto the parchment, my hands flying to my face and running through my hair wildly as I held in a cry of pain. To be sure I did not wake her up, I hurried to the door, turning to look at her one last time. I touched my fingers to my lips and whispered words meant only for her. Then as I turned to leave, I murmured, "Au revoir, mon ange."

With that, I tore myself from her and ventured back out into the cruel lifestyle I'd become accustomed to.