Reunion

Harry watched Niall walk away from him and Louis, his letter from Liam held loosely in his hand. His own pieces of paper contained in the envelope felt like as heavy as lead as it rested against his hand. He could feel the tightness of his chest as he pondered just what his old friend had to say to him. If he was honest with himself, he would admit that he was scared to open the envelope. Louis had at least spent time with Liam as his friend had faded away during his last days. Harry had called only a few tunes and never crossed the threshold of what he had come to see as a death-house. Would Liam respond to his actions with words of anger or forgiveness, recrimination or acceptance? He should expect the first but he hoped for the second.

"We going to do this," Louis asked as he played with the edge of his own letter. "I figure it's like a bandaid. Rip it off quick and get over the pain."

Harry nodded. "I guess I'll go first." Louis looked relieved at this since it meant he could put his own concern aside for a few more moments. Harry looked down at the envelope and pulled at the corner of it, a ripping sound entering the space. He tore at it bit by bit until finally the entire top was open and he could pull the sheets out and flatten them on his leg. He took a deep breath as he immediately recognized Liam's neat script spread across the lined pages, single-spaced lines that seemed frantic in their construction. He began to read through a tight throat.

Dear Harry,

So, Niall was able to do it. He was able to get you off the road and in a room with people that I know you swore you would never share airspace with again. I know you did because I heard you whisper it underneath your breath as we all left Simon’s office that day. You had said it quietly with a clear anger and I remember thinking to myself that I hoped one day you would change your mind. That you would remember the bonds that had tied us together for what seemed like so long but was really a blink of an eye. I had hoped to be there to see the moment in person but I guess that will not be the case. Instead I will take heart that I know in my soul this letter will see the light of day when it should and not when I hope for it to.

Harry felt his eyes blur at the words he was reading. Why did he deserve the faith that someone he would have called his former friend still held? He had avoided Liam for so long and only spoken to him a few times during the time he knew he was going to be permanently taken away from him. Niall had begged for him to come to Liam’s side but he had stubbornly refused as if he were a two year old sitting in the middle of the floor with his hands crossed across his chest. And yet Liam seemed to hold no bitterness towards him for it. It amazed him.

“Wow,” he said with a soft voice and looked up at Louis who was staring at him with intense eyes. “How could he still want to see me after I treated him like true and utter shite? I should have gone to see him and instead I avoided him like he would infect me with a disease. He must have said something to you near the end.”

Louis shook his head as he puffed on a cigarette. “Not really. I know he was hurt when you didn’t come but he seemed to be at peace with everything. It was like everything was going exactly like he thought it should even though it wasn’t what he wanted.” Louis remembered one of the last conversations he had with Liam. He had been sitting in his chair by the window waiting for his children to come home with their mother, a blanket tucked up and around him to ward off the cold that seemed to be his constant companion. Louis had been getting him a glass of water for his dry throat and when he entered the room he had to stop. The image was a scary one as Liam’s once strong and solid body had shrunken in on itself. The blanket hung limply off of his shoulders and only accentuated the sharpness of their definition. Any other person would have looked pitiful in their current state but Liam had looked exactly the opposite. As he stared out the window his face was a reflection of complete happiness. He looked like he was content to be where he was even though his body betrayed him more each day. It was not a drugged state of false euphoria but a man who had accepted his demons and left them behind as he treasured each moment he had with the people he loved. It had almost scared Louis at the time because he had taken it as a sign that Liam had given up the fight. But now Louis knew that Liam hadn’t given up at any point. He was still fighting as hard as he could but it would never have been enough.

Harry’s voice brought him back to the windswept beach. “Maybe I never truly deserved him as a friend. Maybe none of us did except for Niall.”

“Don’t say that.” Louis slid over and sat beside Harry, resting his hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “He missed you but he never hated you. Read the rest and see what else he says.”

Harry nodded and wiped a tear from his cheek before continuing.

So, since you are the impatient one, let me get on with what I want to say to you. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of my time spent with you is an early moment that has probably slipped out of your memory as it lacks anything of real significance to most people. But to me and a sick little boy it is one where I think I may have seen you at your purest and most elegant. A moment that I wish everyone could have seen so that they could give you the credit you deserve.

It was during our first charity trip to Africa when were we working on the Red Nose video. We were filming at a hospital where dozens of young children with swollen bellies, limbs as thin as sticks and eyes desperate for any hope that might bring an end to their pain. When we first walked in we were both shocked by the situation we were presented with. How could we possibly remain happy and bubbly in a room where death hang in every corner waiting to claim its next victim. But we had no choice. Both of us looked at each other and seemed to silently give the other strength to do just that. And so we began to move around the room talking to the children and nurses as the cameras followed behind us to catch the moments they had no right to. We were there for an hour and by the end I could feel the energy gone from my body. I remember being glad that we were being told that it was time to go since it meant I could take a breath for the first time since we had arrived in the cramped room.

I looked around for you, to tell you we had to leave but I couldn’t find you at first. As I looked for you I was surprised to see you quietly in the corner sitting by a small child. Not surprised that you were interacting with the child but surprised that the energy around you was calm and still. There was usually a buzz wherever you went that crackled through the air but in that moment it was gone. The child clutched your hand with its own weak fingers as you wiped the sweat from his fever from his forehead. I could tell that soft words were being spoken from your lips as you tried to soothe the erratic rise and fall of his chest but I didn’t hear them and I don’t think I was supposed to. That moment was supposed to be between you and the boy. Whoever it was that was dragging us around that day had started to approach you but I held them back. I didn’t want them to intrude.

A few minutes went by before you stopped your nursing and separated your hand from his. You set the towel down on the table beside him and rested his hand on his chest. It was only then that I realized that it was not rising and falling like it should have been. It remained static. The boy had died. You sat for a few more seconds with him before standing up and coming towards me. Your body seemed heavy as you approached and I didn’t have any words to say to you that might lighten it in any way. You had just guided a young child from life through to his moment of death and had done so in such a soft and gentle way. Awe does not describe what I felt. I never told you that I had seen that moment and now I wish I had. I wish I had told you that it forever shaped how I saw you in my heart. The jester was a costume you wore. Your beautiful soul was your core. I wish everyone could see that.

Harry thought back to that moment. Unlike Liam had thought he had never forgotten it. How could he have? He had just held a boy’s hand as he had let his last breath escape. In fact, often he met the boy in his dreams. Sometimes he was the same age as he had been when Harry had held his hand, sometimes he was grown. It didn’t matter which it was because each time Harry would sit and talk with the boy about his life and choices he made. The boy never spoke back but Harry always woke the next morning feeling like he had just bared his soul to a close friend.

“You never told me about that,” Louis said with what seemed like offence. “I remember the trip but nothing about a boy dying.”

Harry shrugged his shoulders. “It wasn’t something I really could bring up in regular conversation.”

“I guess not. It just seems like something you would have told me.” The unspoken question was there. Something you would have told me if we were friends. Harry left it unanswered. “Can you tell me about it now?”


“I think Liam did a pretty good job. I never even knew that he saw that. He never said anything.”

Louis gave him a half smile. “I think he saw a lot we didn’t know about. Keep on reading.”

Another tear was wiped away before Harry returned his eyes to the letter in his hands to continue.

And that was the gift you gave to me. It came to me a few weeks ago when the doctor gave me the final news that I just wasn't going to beat this one. Death is not something to run from in fear but to come to softly and with grace. I no longer fear the moment when I know I will have no more in me. I won’t fear it because I can think about how you would do the same for me as you did for that boy if you could. You would hold my hand and wipe my brow and guide through the last moments of this life. You will hide from this moment out of fear as you tell me you just can’t get off tour but that doesn't matter. I have already seen you do it and that is enough for me.

And so what do I wish for you. It may seem simple to most but you might see it more challenging than climbing Mount Everest. My wish for you is to accept the love those around you want to give. You were always very good at putting on the role of the playboy of us all. The one who had the sultry smile and silky hair that every girl swore they could chain to them for eternity. However you danced lightly away from each of them with a soft kiss and bright smile that promised they never blamed you for the breaking of their heart. You did it as a young man and you did it as a crappy husband. I won’t say that any of those women were the ones that you should have held close to you but I will say that you never really gave yourself a chance to find out.

But now you do. I know you will be surprised to hear this but Carrie called me a few nights ago.”

Harry’s voice caught on the words. His first reaction was of anger. How dare Carrie call his friend. And even if he was okay with the phone call, she should have told him she had done it. But then his curiosity grows. What had they talked about? What had brought such separate pieces of his life together? He knew he had to read on to find out.

First, don’t be angry at her. The call came out of nothing but concern and frustration. Concern regarding my health and your fear of it. Frustration regarding your unwillingness to see the love that she holds for you and is just waiting for you to grab on to. Both of them are equal but the second is the one that you must overcome.

We talked for several hours and one thing came through clearly as her sweet voice eased a sick man’s heart. She is beautifully in love with you. Not the teen heartthrob who should really trim his hair but that is why you love him. Not the energetic buzz that hits when you enter the room. Not the bright smile that makes everyone forget why they were having a crappy day. No, not that boy.

She is in love with the man who held that boy. In love with the man who knew he couldn’t stop death from coming down from the corners but knew he could give him some peace as he slipped into death. In love with the man who didn’t trumpet the story to make himself look better but held it close to him to honour the boy. That is the man she is in love with. The man we both know that you are.

Harry could barely speak now. His voice was thick as he tried to pull the last few words out and couldn’t. Louis sensed his struggle and eased the papers from Harry’s tight grip and continued reading.

So that is what I want for you. To understand that you deserve the amazing love that people have for you. I really think that Carrie could be the one who makes you see it but you need to let her have a chance to be your wife to do so. Let her love you Harry and let yourself do the same. The magic of it will take your breath away.

Liam

Louis’ voice drifted away as the last of the words were spoken. He had nothing to say to his old friend. He could feel Harry’s body shake beside him as silent tears streamed down his face and he wrapped his arm around him and pulled him against his side. Neither of them spoke. They didn’t need to. The moment was Liam’s and they were going to let him have it for once.