Reunion

Zayn had left the beach and headed towards his room, the letter tucked into his back pocket. Unlike the others, he had no desire to share the words with others. Like most of his relationship with Liam they were to remain private between the two of them. He was unsure of what to expect but he knew that he wanted to keep it to himself.

When he reached his room, Zayn walked across the room and watched out the window of his room at Harry and Louis as they leaned against each other, one body supporting the other as they sat on the smooth rocks. He could see the piece of paper containing what he knew to be Liam’s words to Harry sitting between them. It fluttered in the breeze that blew past the two men as if Liam was there and wanted to be a part of the moment. Zayn would have loved to be there with them but the timing wasn’t right yet. The relationships were still as raw as they had been before Niall had called him to try this crazy experiment.

Zayn’s eyes were drawn to one of the men in particular. For years he had tried to push the feelings that bubbled through him whenever his eyes had fallen upon the man. Feelings of warmth and lust that he had been unable to deal with in any constructive way. Feelings that had helped him on his way to the bottom of a bottle and to the mountaintop of destruction. Feelings that he had only ever shared with Liam after his friend had discovered him in the corner of an arena bathroom with tears streaming down his face and his body shaking from being overwhelmed. Feelings that as he watched the man on the beach he realized had never quite shaken themselves from his heart like a shadow in a dark alley. Zayn took another sinful look before forcing himself to turn away from the window and back towards the bed where he had left the letter that Niall had handed him.

The stark white envelope rested against the bright blue duvet that covered the bed. It seemed to mock him as he watched it, challenge him to open it and let Liam give him hell just one more time. Niall’s letter had been like a warm hug. This was not surprising as Niall had remained by Liam’s side more than any of the men. Even Louis’ letter had to be somewhat gracious as he had come when the truth of Liam’s health had been made clear. But Zayn had done no such thing. He had spoken to Liam a few times but he had resisted being drawn to his home as much as he had wanted to be there. And now he could be punished through the words that waited for him.

Forcing himself to move towards the intimidating paper, he sat down on the bed beside it. He stared at it for a few more moments before finally placing it in his hand and starting to open it. Unlike the other two, he took no time in exposing Liam’s last words to him. He needed to get this over with. He needed to get the lecture he expected out into the air so he could move on in some way so he forced himself to open it.

After opening the edge of the envelope, Zayn pulled the papers out. The pages were folded into three and so he unfolded them and tossed the envelope into the garbage. He took a deep breath and unfolded the thick paper, sitting on the edge of the bed as he began to take his punishment like the man that Liam had always believed him to be.

Zayn,

Hello old friend. As I write those words, they resonate deeply with me. You are like an old soul wandering the earth that I had the pleasure of meeting for just a breath of your life but an eternity of mine. A moment of time that I long for as my energy diminishes.

I hope this letter finds you farther along on your road to happiness and acceptance. I was so glad to read the articles where you had finally started telling people the truth of who you are and I don’t mean just the fact that you are gay. I mean that you are creative and deep and more than just a tattooed ruffian from Bradford who made more than his fair share of mistakes in his life. I am proud of you for doing that article. It was like the world was meeting the man that I called my friend for the first time. Cheers to you (with a glass of sparkling water).

Zayn remembered the article that Liam was talking about. It had been a followup to the original Esquire one that he had officially uttered the words gay for the first time outside of Liam’s presence. The had approached him a month later after the short blurb had gotten so much reaction that they had wanted to do a longer and more detailed one. He had hesitated at first, his gut reaction being to hide in the corner and not let them dig any deeper. But Liam had been the one who had pushed him to do it. Zayn had called him one night with the reporter’s phone number in one hand and a beer in the other. He knew now that he had reached another decision point in his sobriety and again Liam was there to push him in the right turn. He had told him to do the article, to let that side of him out into the ether. And while Zayn had been sure that the reaction would be harsh and angry from the fans, they had circled him in his circle of love and shouted out their support. Liam had been right. Again.

You have come so far from that boy that I found buried in his own misery so many years ago. I remember that day so clearly. It was Madison Square Garden and my stomach was performing it’s own version of gymnastics as we prepared to do our first show in the epic venue we had only dreamed of only one year earlier. I walked in and saw you in the corner with a look on your face that told a story of such pain. A look that said that the person wearing it was lost in that pain and desperate to find a way out. We were still learning to trust each other then, our band of brotherhood formed but tenuous. When I came to approach you, you told me to bugger off and hastily wiped the tears away. But I knew that I couldn’t leave. I knew that you needed me in that moment. I knew that whatever happened next could change how we related for years to come. And it did, it formed a link that never broke.

That was your gift to me. I had lived so many years as the young prince in a family that saw me as a talent that needed to be protected that the idea of being the one who could provide for someone else hadn’t yet formulated inside of myself. I am not complaining about it but I know now that you gave me something I had never realized. That it was better to be needed by somebody than to be the one always needing. You gave me the capacity to step outside of the protective and safe encasing that I had lived in and help those around me. To understand that a person in pain needs some comfort and that I was actually capable of giving it.

Zayn thought back to that moment. Thought back to the moment where he had told Liam his darkest secret. It had been the moment where he had admitted to something that had made him feel dirty and like a freak in a world where he was being held up as a sex symbol to screaming girls. He had been dating Perrie then, sweet Perrie who had years later quietly walked away from their engagement after she had discovered his secret in an oh so heart wrenching way and not told a soul about it. Who had faced speculation and tabloid stories that he knew had almost broken her. But she had kept her silence as a quiet show of support for her old love. They still talked occasionally and she was married with two kids while she still toured the world with her band.

That wasn’t the last time I found you that state. Many times we found ourselves in a hotel room or a bathroom or a bar as you struggled to understand the truth of what you were and how it could impact those around you. The band, the fans, Perrie, the person at the centre of it all. It was those moments that I do treasure not because of the pain that wrapped around you like a thick coil of rope but because I knew just how much trust you were placing in me to keep the secret that was tearing you in so many pieces that you were leaving bits of yourself behind every day. The world asked how you could let yourself be reduced to the state you found yourself in the day I placed you in my car and brought you to rehab in that isolated patch of the world in America where you may finally get some peace. I never did. I knew why. I knew that you had no choice unless you admitted so much to yourself.

Zayn truly had been in a state the day that Liam had finally got him to commit to rehab. Not for the first time but with a heart that would see it through. That had been several months after that day in his apartment where Liam had told him about Simon. After the breakup, Zayn had taken full advantage of the ability to pickle himself with the alcohol that now abounded in his apartment and he had discovered the radical concept of home delivery so he didn’t even have to leave his apartment. But Liam hadn’t given up. He had taken a week and planned Zayn’s recovery for him knowing that refusal was a possibility. Maybe knowing that was the reason Zayn had gone originally but the timing and place had been right and so he had finally opened himself up to the possibility of a sober life. Opened himself up to the pain and feelings that had been buried underneath the alcohol for so long. And the day he had walked out of the rehab, Liam had been there waiting for him to take him home. Words had never been enough to let Liam know how much the commitment he had made to Zayn had saved his life. He had always hoped the understanding was there but had never been sure.

First I must tell you that I never let your secret pass my lips. That was yours to reveal when you chose to. I never even told Dani. And I definitely never told Louis, the person whom the secret was about. Your love for him that was beyond the love the rest of us shared and was as sacred to me as it was to you.

The name sat on Zayn’s lips as he looked out the window again towards the beach. Louis was separate from Harry now and seemed to be toying his own letter as they continued to sit on the rocks where he had left him. The same feelings surged in him as did when they were in each other’s lives on a daily basis but he couldn’t identify if it was a true reaction to the man who was before him or the memory of what he used to have to swim through for so many years. Either way it choked him with a violent reaction and he had to swallow it down. He had processed a lot of his feelings for Louis during the years between the breakup and now but that had been from afar. That had been with the support of Liam. That had been with Adam in his bed every night. That had been before the walk down memory lane he was currently involved in. How he would deal with them now he had no idea. He returned to the letter.

Having said that, this is my wish for you. Stop punishing yourself for the mistakes you think you have made. You are a perfectly imperfect human being who has a desire for love that is no different from any other on the planet and who can go down a wrong path but still find your way home. You didn’t break Perrie’s heart because you wanted to see it shatter before you and the world; you did it because you knew that you couldn’t give her the love that she deserved to have in her life. You didn’t break up the group because you were struggling with an addiction; you were the symptom of a problem none of us wanted to face. You weren’t a burden to me; you were a friend who needed my graciously given help.

So please stop thinking that you are a horrible person who has let all of us down. I can’t say that there weren’t moments of disappointment but they weren’t in you. They were in the fact that we could see how large you could become but that you hid yourself in the dark shadows that seemed to hang off of you like a cloak you felt comfortable wearing until it weighed you down. That was the disappointment. The Zayn we saw glimpses of never found its place in the light. Let the guilt lift off of you and let your soul feel the warmth of the sun. The warmth of it is something you will never want to let go of.

Liam

Tears were leaving Zayn’s eyes as he read the last passage. The mistakes he had made seemed like such a part of his identity now. They were badges that he had to sew to his sleeves to warn people of the damage he could do to them. Adam had never seen them except through the public lens as Zayn had decided early on that they were not to be a part of their relationship because if they were it meant that the younger man may understand him. He may understand him and care for him. He may care for him and start to plan a future. A future Zayn was sure he didn’t deserve with anyone because he had blown it too many times in the past.

A creak echoed through the room and Zayn quickly folded up the letter and shoved it in his back pocket. He didn’t bother wiping the tears as he knew that any one of them would expect to see some as a result of their final communication with Liam. He hoped it wasn't Louis returning from the beach and when he looked out the window he breathed a sigh of relief as the older man still sat with Harry, his own envelope unopened.

Zayn turned to see who had entered and saw that it was Niall, something he should not have been surprised about since there were only four of them in the house. He saw the look of concern in Niall’s eyes and brushed it away with a wave of his hand.

“Bugger couldn’t leave me alone even after he kicked the bucket,” he said as he wiped away one last tear and moved towards the door. “We should probably go and join the other two.”

Niall nodded before stepping back into the hall. His hands were tucked into his back pockets and Zayn could tell that he wanted to wrap his arms around his moody friend but he couldn’t take it at the moment. “Yeah. I picked up some burgers and sausages for tonight. I figured we could have a cookout tonight for dinner just like back at Harry’s place.”

Zayn smiled at the memory. He had felt safe then, his feelings for Louis ones of adulation towards the older boy and not yet lust. Simpler ones without so many consequences. “Sounds good. And would there happen to be the elements for S’mores in there? Just to make it truly authentic.”

Niall laughed as he pulled out a bag of fat white marshmallows. “The only way to end a bonfire on the beach.”

And so the two headed back down to rejoin Harry and Louis, a little bit closer and yet still a chasm apart. As they would be until Zayn gave in to Liam’s wish and gave up the guilt. He just wasn’t sure if he could do it. But like so many things when it came to Liam and Zayn’s relationship, he had to try because that was what Liam would want him to do. Try once and then try again until it finally stuck.