Reunion

Niall walked beside Zayn as the two of them left the upstairs and headed back outside and towards the spot where he had left Harry and Louis just an hour before. He was curious to know the content of the letter he knew was tucked into the back pocket of Zayn’s pants but he forced himself to hold his questions. Even though he had shared his letter with the others it didn’t mean that they would feel the need to. Maybe by the end of their time together but not just yet.

When they reached the other two men, Louis looked up at them with emotional eyes. Whatever had been in the letter that was hanging from Harry’s hand had obviously affected the two of them quite distinctly. Louis’ own letter was still contained in its own envelope and sat clasped in his hand. After taking a visible breath as if to steady himself, Louis gave them a weak smile and straightened his crumpled form. Harry remained staring out towards the water and didn’t react to the new presence.

“Hey lads,” he said with a tired voice. His throat felt raw and tight as he spoke but he tried to keep it light because that was his role in this group and in his life. He and Harry had not spoken since he had finished reading the letter for him. His own was tucked inside his pocket. He was unsure of when he would be able to draw it out into the open but he knew it would be by himself and at a later time. After the emotions he had felt from the words Liam had written for someone else it scared him to read the ones that were meant for him. “Why don’t you grab a seat?”

Louis watched as the two others softly nodded and took the same stones as seats they had before the group had broken up. He took a quick look at Zayn as he sat down across from him and saw the hint of wistful sadness in his eyes, a probable result of reading his own letter.

The group sat in silence for several minutes as each of them digested the first bit of emotion that they had been brought here to experience. None of them were sure just what was meant to be said at this point. Did they force jokes between them to remind their hearts of earlier times? Did they discuss their current lives and start to unpack some of the baggage that had been so neatly packed away? Did they skip over all of it and talk only about vague topics that wouldn’t pick at the covered wounds? All of the available options seemed awkward between men who had shared so much for so many years. Finally, Louis sucked in a deep breath and decided that they were all being ridiculous two year olds and forced some words past his lips.

“So Niall, when are you going to get one of us in one of those spangly outfits they wear on your show?” Louis puffed on his cigarette and glanced towards Harry. He was still lost in his letter from Liam and Louis knew he had to pull him out of it. Had to pull him back to the present. “I think Harry would look perfect in sapphire blue spandex and crystals, don’t you?”

Niall and Zayn laughed while Harry gave him a death stare. The sound was foreign to him. He was used to the laughter of drunkenness and not of old friends. It felt good as it washed over him and into his spirit. The weight of the letter that was tucked against him was forgotten and he let himself sink into the restful moment.

“I actually thought that maybe Zayn in emerald green might be the right choice,” Niall said as he scooted off the rock and sat directly on the beach. “I think it would look good with his skin tone.” He smirked towards Zayn who returned his own brooding glare.

And so that was how they spent the rest of the late morning and afternoon. They sat and talked. Like the night before, it was nothing that would resolve any of the issues that hung like thick nets between them but the topics did become more personal and the bits of laughter began to float in the air. At moments someone would tread on a subject that was just to tender for the other to speak about but signs were there that maybe they could begin to find a way to recover some of what was lost.

Eventually, a bonfire was built by Harry and Zayn while Louis and Niall grabbed the food and blankets from the house to bring down to the beach. They wrapped themselves up in them and cooked the food over the fire as they continued to awkwardly try reknitting themselves back together. Old nicknames were recalled, old jokes were retold and old memories were dug from the back of hearts and minds.

The sun was gone to sleep before any of them realized how late it was getting. Louis drained the last bit of the beer he had brought down from the house a couple of hours earlier and set the bottle beside the others on the small pebbles that formed the beach. The letter that had been weightless for the last few hours had begun to grow again and he knew he needed face the message it contained.

“I think I’m going to head inside. I need to get some sleep and …” He left the last words unspoken but they all filled in the blanks. He hadn’t read his letter yet and he wasn’t ready to do it in front of anyone.

“Sure man,” Niall said as he inhaled the last bit of his second s’mores. “I was thinking we could rent a boat tomorrow and head out on the water. The day’s supposed to be beautiful and there’s a place just up the road that rents them. I already talked to the guy last week and he said we could take one first thing in the morning and have it for the entire day.”

Louis nodded as he stood up and stretched himself out. “Sounds good. Just make sure that Harry isn’t the one driving. We all know what happened in Oxford.”

Harry shoved curls away from his face as he looked up at Louis. “That’s not fair. We all know that was entirely the other person’s fault. The bloody cops even said so.”

“I’m just saying that I would feel safer with someone else behind the wheel who knows how to read one way signs.” Louis winked at his old friend before turning and heading back towards the house. “I’ll see you boys in the morning.”

They all said goodnight to him as he walked up the path towards the door. When he entered, he made his way directly up to his room. When he entered, he pulled the letter out from his pocket and set it gently on the bed before stripping down to his underwear and resting his body underneath the blankets. He pulled the letter from beside and quickly ripped it open before taking a breath and starting to read the words that were meant specifically for him.

Dear Louis,
So you decided to come after all. I must admit that I wasn’t sure that you would. I thought you would run away from any reminder of me as fast as you possibly could. I could see how hard those days you spent with me were on you and I so desperately wanted to take that burden away from you but I couldn’t. I selfishly held you with me so I could have you back in my life again even if it was through the lens of guilt.

Louis felt his mind going back to those days in Liam’s house. He had come after Niall had called and told him of the diagnosis, a task that he had been given for all of his former friends. The phone call had been short and layered with old emotions as Niall’s voice had cracked at the words. After hanging up, Louis had done what was now a natural reaction to him. He had called up some of his friends and headed out to the bar. His friends had noticed that he was a little bit buzzier, a little bit harsher, a little bit angrier that night but had kept quiet about it. It was not their relationship to share such things but to push through and enjoy the night. And they had done so admirably.

In the morning though, Louis could feel his conscience start to push against him. His feeling of abandoning Liam during the years after the breakup had started to rise again and he could no longer deal with them. He had walked away from so many people who leaned on him that it was now like an involuntary action. Eleanor had been the latest one. She had confronted him two months earlier in October and begged him to be honest. Begged him to give her the respect of knowing what had become of them. He hadn’t answered her then or after that. Even the next week when he had been kicked out of the house he had been able to see in her eyes that if he did the proper thing and gave her the answers she needed that she would hold him in he arms again. But he had refused to. It was easier to be the asshole and walk out the door than to give her what she deserved. and so that was what he had done. He had walked out on her. He had walked out on the woman he truly did still love because it was the option that required the least of him.

And that was how he had arrived on Liam’s doorstep. He could see the questions that hung in both Liam and Niall’s eyes but he avoided them at all costs. And with Liam being sick the focus was quickly pulled away from him and put back on trying to save his friend.

It may surprise you that having you close was a comfort to me and not a struggle. Our relationship never was as easy as the others amongst us and yet it was one that taught me so much. More than I could possibly record on these few scraps of paper. And you did so from the first time that we meant to the day that you walked out of that office.

My first memory of you is not distinct but impressional. It is one of someone who stood in his place in the world with comfort and ease and pushed those around him to do the same. Your motto even then was never to pause in the stream but to keep swimming against it until you found the calmer water ahead. But even the you were never satisfied. Stillness and patience were never comfortable on you like it was on some of the rest of us and there were times that it drove me close to insanity at times.

In the early years of our forced co-existance, it was hard for us to to see eye to eye. Your nickname for me of Daddy Direction was something that grated on me each time I heard or read it. But I know now that you were calling me on my over-bearing nature that could overwhelm the rest of you at times. You wanted to remind me that while this was a business that needed attention from not just the people around us, it was also a series of moments that would bring us so much if we let them. You made me see the world we were living in outside of the bubble that had been created to protect us.

Louis felt himself smiling at the words even as tears were sneaking into the corner of his eyes. It was true that he and Liam had struggled many times during the existence of the band. But even when they were like two magnets pushing against each other with a force that never went away, their was a respect between them. A respect that showed they valued each other for who they were and what they had to offer. He had told himself that it had worn away near the end but as he had sat with Liam for so many hours during those last few months he had begun to realize he had been wrong. It had never left. It had remained in each of them and only needed the prompting of closeness to resurface.

And so that was your gift to me. The gift of challenging me to move myself beyond the need to control the minutia of the world around me and to find the life I truly wanted to embrace was one that has given me the beauty of where I am now. When I told you that I had broken up with Dani because it was too difficult to ease her fears, you challenged me to put the effort into the relationship and to show her the love I held too close to my heart. When I told you I was having cold feet the morning of my wedding, you challenged me to trust my instincts and give myself to the bond that has become so sacred. Even the day you forced me to walk away from the band was a moment where you were challenging me to see the truth about what we had become and to not hold on to the past that I had become forlorn for. Even after we separated, I brought that same spirit back to me at times when I needed it so much.

And how I have needed it this last while. When the doctors first told me that I was sick, I felt like you were beside me and screaming in my ear that this was not a death sentence as much as it sounded like it was. You were telling me to stand up and fight and to beat it into submission.

I need you to know that I tried very hard to do that. I tried to use sheer will to make my body healthy again but it was too late and too hard. I feel like I have let you down most of all by saying that I don’t feel like the fight is in me anymore. I must lay this challenge at your feet and say mercy upon me and my soul. I’m sorry.

Louis was shocked at those last words, at the fact that his friend had thought he would be disappointed in him when he had battled so hard. Liam had never apologized to him before even when he was admitting he was wrong. And now he had immortalized it in writing for to pull out and see at any time he chose to. He knew how hard it must have been for Liam to have written that. And it brought the tears fully to his eyes as he read the rest of the letter.

And now my wish for you. A wish that would reverse the gift you gave to me and give it back to yourself. When we first met, you never accepted what you called a minimal life and easy was a four letter word to you. You grabbed on to your existence and those people around you and never let go, never let anyone doubt what you wanted and how you were going to get it. You never waded in the moments that others did.

And now, as I have seen your life seem like it has been set to a permanent pause, that is exactly what you are doing. I had thought about that being the case for several years now and seeing you again has told me I was right. You have let the fight go from your soul and from your heart. You let yourself forget to be angry when the road twists away from you and you have to bend it back. You let the woman you love walk away even though you wouldn’t let me do the same all those years ago.

It breaks my heart to see that you and Eleanor broken apart. You were the ones I though would make it. You guys seemed to have it figured out so much better than Dani and I. You were each other’s best friends and I hope you can find that place again. I know that may not mean you will find your way back to each other but I hope it means that you can find the relationship of friendship again. You need her in my life more than you ever did.

Louis wanted to be angry at the words, especially about Eleanor, but he couldn’t because he knew they were right. Somewhere along the line he had decided the fight was too much for him to keep up. Being the guy who could always see the end result and brining everyone along with him was exhausting. Why couldn’t someone else do it for once? Why couldn’t he just have a moment where someone else took up the fight for him? He realized then that Liam had been that person for him. He had both challenged him back and let him rest when he saw the weariness start to appear. And now he was gone, for a second time.

And he had punished Eleanor for not being his perfect replacement when the band had broken up. She had tried to but the role was something that had never been a part of their relationship. He had been the protector and public face of their relationship when he was out doing his band thing. She had been his place to come home to for brief moments before he had to build himself back up again and head out and she went back to her regular life. Their roles had been entrenched and neither knew how to face the changes that needed to happen when they were together like a normal couple. And he hadn’t really let them try before running out the door.

So please do this for me. Please grab your life again and live it with the gusto that is still a part of you. Challenge yourself to rise above the crap instead of floating in the flotsam that surrounds you. Challenge yourself to make decisions about what you want instead of letting the world dictate it to you. Challenge yourself to live. Challenge yourself to be Louis Tomlinson again. He was a great guy and the world needs him again. You need him again.

Liam

Louis finished reading the letter and set it on the table beside him. He let the tears flow freely as they spilled on to the pillow underneath his head. Liam’s wish scared him more than anything had in his life. Scared him because he hadn’t seen the person Liam had written about in what seemed like too long. Scared him because he missed that person too but didn’t know where to find him. Scared him because he didn’t know if that person could ever be found again. Scared him because he didn’t know if he was strong enough to try.