Status: Introduction

Reunion

Chapter 8: Arrival Three

Zayn rubbed his tired eyes as he guided his car down the dark roads following the directions that Niall had given him two days earlier. The directions had been clear and concise but it was hard to translate written directions to dark country roads with few signs. But after a few wrong turns and and asking for directions only once, he had made his way down the road towards the coast and the cottage.

As he arrived, he saw his phone light up and he looked to see Adam's face smile back at him. Adam had been supportive over the idea of the reunion, telling him that he should never miss the chance to be around three people who had meant so much to him. They had planned a quiet night in the night before with dinner ordered in, a movie on the television and whatever happened after that. But the night hadn't ended as either of them had wanted. His stress over the impending reunion had made him snappy and harsh enough that Adam had told him to get over it and give him a call when he got back in town. No tears over separation, no lingering caresses to imprint the feel of one another on their memories. There had only been a snippy conversation over cold take-out that had resulted in Adam going home and them both being frustrated.

So Zayn was somewhat surprised to see Adam calling him. He had tried to call the younger man several times during the day but it had always gone to voicemail. He was glad that Adam called back because even though their relationship was as non-committed as you could get, he didn't want to leave it in a bad place for the next two weeks. Zayn slid the phone to accept and put it to his ear as he parked the car beside the other two already there.

"Hey Adam," he said as he put the car in park. "I am so sorry about last night. I was stressed about today and I took it out on you."

"Don't worry about it," he said from the other end. "That was why I called. I just want you to relax and be open about the next two weeks. Remember these guys were your best friends at one time."

The statements surprised Zayn. Not that Adam was supportive because that was just the type of guy he was. He was surprised because of the underlying tone in the voice. It sounded tired and stressed and forcefully cheerful.

"That's the only reason that I'm sitting outside this house right now," he said as he took a quick glance at the house beside him. "It looks like two of them are here already. I had better go inside."

Adam was quiet for a moment. The silence hung between them between so much distance. Finally, he spoke.

"Before you go, just let me say something." Adam hesitated for a second more. "I want you to be happy and I think that dealing with this stuff between you guys will go a long way towards that. I am really glad you agreed to it even though I know that every part of you is ready to turn that car back around and come back to London."

"You know me very well." Zayn smiled to himself. "I appreciate the support on this."

"I always will support what will make those lips turn into the beautiful smile. And one more thing. Promise that when this is all over, you will come back."

Zayn was surprised again. He had never heard that direct a sign of affection come through when he talked to Adam and he didn't know how to respond to it. So he responded by avoiding it entirely.

"I will see you in a couple of weeks," he said before hanging up the phone and taking one more look towards the house. And as he did, he felt the realization of what he was about to embark on. About to embark on something without the one member of the group that he felt most comfortable with. Liam. Through their years spent travelling together, Liam had become the one person that he felt he could talk to without being judged. He had known about just how much Zayn had started drinking and he knew the demons that pushed him towards the bottle every time. And two years before the breakup of the band he was the only one that Zayn had felt comfortable with to tell about the thoughts that had almost driven him to take his own life. And then they had returned back to England and Zayn had buried himself in his apartment with bottles and takeout.

He had meant to go to the studio the day before. He had tried to make sure that he only drank enough liquor that he didn't shake but each time he had been about to head outside, he had needed just one more drop to steady his shaky nerves. And then before he knew it, the clock read three o'clock in the afternoon and he decided to just give in and let the alcohol be his companion. Into the night and the next day he decided all he needed was Mr Jack and Mr Coke. He had seen the text from Simon about the meeting following the studio incident but he gleefully decided to ignore it as he poured himself another drink and lit another cigarette.

-Flashback-

Zayn slowly stood up from his too comfortable chair and walked/stumbled/shuffled his way towards the kitchen counter where had stupidly left his bottle of Jack and cans of Coke. Muttering to himself about how he was only making it harder for himself to get his vital supplies back into his veins, he eventually made it to the counter and gripped the counters to help steady himself against the tilting floor. Realizing he had forgotten his glass over at the counter, he cursed one more time as he pulled his last clean one out of the cupboard and mixed his mostly Jack with enough Coke that you could call it a mixed drink. He added a couple of ice cubes to the concoction before making his way, very slowly, back to the chair that had been his home for the last thirty-six hours.

After sinking back into it, careful not to let any of his drink spill and escape his lips, he lit another cigarette and sucked the smoke first into his mouth and then deep into lungs. The act was a ritual to him as much as the pouring of a drink. The first hit of a cigarette into his body gave him an instant sense of relaxation. Many people had been after him for years to kick the habit he knew was hurting his voice but he had never been able to do it. It was a disgusting security blanket that he held close.

He was almost through his next drink when he heard his phone ring. He rotated his head enough to see the call display and groaned when he was Liam's face shining back at him. He was going to ignore it but he had been avoiding everyone for days and he knew he couldn't do it much longer. Better to get the lecture over with sooner rather than later. He picked up the phone and hit accept.

"Hello," he slurred as he closed his eyes and tried to steady the floor beneath his feet again. "How are you on this fine night?"

Liam sighed through the phone before he spoke. Zayn could see him pinching his the bridge of his nose as he tried not to reach through the phone and strangle his thin neck. "Where were you yesterday and today? Or do I even need to ask?"

Zayn could hear the frustration in Liam's voice and a tsunami of guilt crashed into him. He felt the calmness that he had eventually gotten to evaporate just like the smoke he exhaled and his body sat up straighter. "I got tied up and couldn't make it. I promise, the next time I'll be there before anybody."

"Sure. Look, I'm downstairs and will be up in your apartment in two minutes. And don't try and tell me you're not there because I can see your light on. So get some clothes on if you need to and I'll be up."

Zayn tried to respond but Liam had already hung up. He took another puff of his cigarette before taking a glance around his apartment and the mess that had gathered around him as he had sunk into his oblivion. Styrofoam and cardboard containers were placed on random flat surface along with empty bottles and dirty glasses. He probably should have cleaned up while he had been drinking but it had never concerned him. And now he was pretty sure that if he even attempted it, he would end up greeting Liam from a sprawled position on the floor. So he remained where he was and took another drink.

Just as he had promised, Liam appeared at his door two minutes later. He didn't bother to knock but simply entered the apartment. His face was cemented into a scowl as he took in the scene before him. Dirty apartment and drunk Zayn. Probably just what he expected. He didn't bother saying anything about it. Instead, he picked his way through it and stood in front of Zayn.

"I guess I shouldn't have expected anything less." Liam grabbed the now half empty cup from Zayn's hand and slammed it on the table, far enough away that it was out of his reach. "I have a message for you from Simon. The short version is you had better drag your ass back into the studio the next time he books it or we can all kiss the group goodbye."

Liam's voice hammered against his brain and Zayn winced at the sound. He knew he should answer and give him some valid reason for his actions but he couldn't find the words. Instead, he let out a mild grunt in response. Liam tilted his head before clearing a spot on the coffee table behind him and taking a seat. He rested his forehead on his hands and Zayn could see the stress dripping off of him and he hated that he was a part of that. But he remained quiet because he didn't know what to say.

"Zayn, you know how much I care about you. And I know that this ..." Liam waved his hand at the chaos around him. "I know that this is not what you want. We've talked about what you're doing and that you need to stop. And if that takes this whole band thing vanishing as quick as it started, then I will walk in to Simon's office and tell him we're done." Liam looked up and set his hand on Zayn's knee. "I am watching my friend slowly commit suicide and I need you to tell me how to stop it."

"You're being way to dramatic." Zayn eyed the glass but didn't reach for it because he knew that Liam would keep it from him. "I am alive and breathing and intend on being so for at least the next week."

"Fuck Zayn." Liam looked at him with both pleading and angry eyes. "I am sick of this. I am sick of you acting like this is the way it has to be because you love someone who doesn't know it. I'm sick of everyone treating you like you're glass because you are actually stronger than even you know. I'm sick of the light slowly vanishing from your eyes because you think this is all you deserve. I'm sick of coming over here and getting a slurred and glib answer about it all that is meant to brush me off but just makes me even angrier." His voice was raw now and the emotion was plain. "I am not trying to minimize what you've felt like you've had to bury for so long. I am trying to tell you that my friend is more important that a new album or a new tour or a new hit song. I am trying to tell you that it's time that you figured this out and I will help you however I can."

Zayn forced back the tears that were threatening to explode from him. He didn't bother to fight him because he knew Liam was right. Liam was the only one who knew his deepest secret, knew why he had begun to find his solace in drink. And many of their conversations had been a desperate Liam trying to talk a bereft Zayn back from the edge.

But tonight felt different. Liam seemed more tired, Zayn felt ready to listen. And as he leaned forward in the chair, holding on to the arm for steadiness and trying desperately to focus his eyes, he saw Liam look at him with no anger and only acceptance.

"Tell me what I need to do. Tell me what it will take for you to reach the other side and I will do it."

Zayn fought back more tears. "You can't do this for me. I know that you would if it was possible but I have to do this for myself." Liam was about to speak but Zayn stopped him. "And you're right. I want to get to the other side. I want to feel like I am worth what you think I am. I just need help in finding the way."

And that was how his sobriety had started. He and Liam had talked for hours about what he needed to do. At the time, they still had to figure the band into everything that they talked about but that would change only a few weeks later. And as the sun rose through the curtained windows, Zayn had felt his soul rising with it. Liam seemed to be able to see the difference in his friend and the fear he had carried with him for too long seemed to be taken away with the dark.

-End Flashback-

Zayn felt his chest start to shudder at the memory now. That night had been a moment that had changed his entire life. He had started talking to a sober coach without the other boys knowing and when the band had finally decided to break apart, he had gone into an isolated rehab and kept his promise to Liam. And every time that he even thought about going back, he stopped himself by pulling that memory out and dragging himself through it again.

And here he was sitting in his car outside a cottage in the middle of nowhere about to reunite with men who would never understand him like Liam had. He knew it was his own fault, that he had clutched some things too tightly to his chest for them to be able to. Even Adam knew there was a line he was not allowed to step beyond.

But Liam had wanted them to do this. He would never have asked Zayn to do it if he didn't think he could. And so he would face his past and he would do it without the alcohol that had tainted his perception before. He would do it with clear eyes and a sober mind and hope to god that he would be able to stay that way until the end. Tonight was the night that he kept his promise one more time.