I Don't Think You'll Ever Wanna Love Me

Lia’s POV

Vic’s face was inches from mine, caramel irises gazing into mine. “Do you see it ?” There was something in my eye, and I was desperately trying to get it out before I went blind. He brushed a tendril of hair away from my face, blowing softly into my eye. A shiver ran up my spine, and I pulled away. Alex and Jack had left about forty-five minutes ago, so now it was just Vic and I, sitting in a local diner. I was trying so hard to act like a normal human being that I was ready to explode. It was hard to act like being out in public didn’t make me nervous, to pretend that my head wasn’t throbbing, that I wasn’t constantly worried about random black-outs and nosebleeds. Vic’s presence was helping in one sense, but hurting in another. On one hand, he made me feel more comfortable and less anxious, but on the other hand, I had to be extra careful to hide my ‘defects’ from him. I didn’t know what I’d do if he ever found out, because who wanted to date a sick girl ? No one.

I just didn’t want Vic to abandon me, because I didn’t really have anyone in the first place. I mean, sure, I had my parents, but Vic and his connections were the only associates I had in this new state. And if he cut ties with me, they surely would too. I had always been in and out of the hospital too much to make any permanent friends, so I just stuck close to home. Now that I was older, I was really trying to come out of my shell. “Hello ?” Vic snapped his fingers in front of me. “Lia ?” I chuckled awkwardly, “Yeah ? Sorry, I just kind of zoned out.” “I see that,” He nodded. “ I asked you how you’re liking California.” “Oh yea, I like it a lot. I have a lot more friends here…” I tried to trail off and leave it at that, but Vic kept insisting I tell him what I meant by that. I swallowed hard. “I just never had many friends.” My eyes flickered away, intentionally avoiding his gaze. I could feel his eyes on me for a few long minutes. I guess he didn’t know how to reply. Suddenly, he asked softly “What about boyfriends ?”

I jerked my head back to look at him. “What ?” He looked alarmed, “Uh, nothing.” I was mad now, and my nostrils flared. “Why does everyone base worth around how many relationships you’ve had ? It’s totally unrealistic and completely…wrong !” I stood quickly, knocking over my milkshake, all too aware of how ridiculous I looked now. I hadn’t meant to blow up, but he had hit a nerve. I made no attempt to clean up the mess, just grabbed my bag and stormed out. Moments later, I was pounding down the sidewalk, with footsteps behind me. A hand grabbed my arm, stopping me in my tracks. I whipped around to face Vic. “Lia, I’m really sorry okay ? I didn’t mean anything, it was just a question.” I turned away, but he placed a hand under my chin and tilted my face toward him. My green irises looked into his, searching, but I only found sincerity. I sighed, “I’m just sensitive. You just-“ I stopped again, unable to describe what I was feeling. Something fell on my arm- a droplet. Then another, and another, and it was starting to rain steadily. We sprinted back to my house, earning strange looks from my parents as we burst in, sopping wet.

Twenty-minutes after I stomped out of the diner, Vic and I were huddled under blankets, watching the storm out my window. We didn’t say much, just used the covers to dry our shaking bodies, gazing at the falling raindrops. The only sound came from Vic’s soft humming, and the patter of the rain. I was cold, but this was paradise.

I snuck a glance at Vic, and he looked peaceful, contentedly staring out at the rain. He seemed a million miles away, blinking slowly and seeming utterly absorbed. I shivered, but not from a chill. My weird thoughts and ponderings about love and life came back to me as I watched him, eyelashes curling perfectly over his cheeks when he blinked, framing eyes that held more depth than you could imagine. A cold droplet of rain hit my arm, and I looked up to see where it had come from. But no, it wasn’t a raindrop, it was a drop of blood.

I wiped my nose, and sure enough, my unnamed illness had come to spoil the moment. It claimed a stake on my body without warning, almost as if it wanted Vic to find out. But I sure as hell didn’t, and I was done letting this thing rule my life. I cautiously stood up, and Vic broke his gaze immediately. He looked up at me, eyes wide like a child, and I felt a twist in my stomach as I thought about what I was keeping from him. My illness….well, sometimes it got bad. Bad enough to spend days in the hospital. If things got more serious between him and I, he would have a lot to deal with. And I was already a burden on enough people.

I exited the room, headed for the bathroom next door. A wad of tissues pressed against my nose, I went to the kitchen with my parents. They kind of nodded to let me know they acknowledged my nosebleed, then went back to discussing house furnishings. I waited until the bleed had subsided, then went back to my room as if nothing had happened. Vic wasn’t in his former spot though; instead, he was sprawled out on my bed. He didn’t look up as I came in, just stared up at the ceiling. I flopped on my stomach next to him, “Whatcha thinkin’ about ?” He shook his head slowly, then grinned goofily. “You.” I blushed, surprised. “Suuuree.” I replied in a joking voice, but inside I hoped he was serious. “No seriously,” I insisted. He did look like he was thinking awfully hard. He resigned, flipping onto his stomach too. His face was mere inches from mine once again, a fact I was all too aware of. “Song lyrics. I’m thinking about song lyrics.” He looked down, twisting his fingers, as though he expected me to make fun of him. “Like, your own ? Like you write song lyrics ?” I was genuinely interested, but I didn’t want to pry. He looked up at me again, his eyes hopeful. “Yeah, I uh, well it sounds stupid, but I kind of…write songs. I want to be in a famous band someday. Doesn’t that sound totally crazy ?” I shook my head, because no, it honestly didn’t. “Can I ask why ?” His gaze flicked to his hands again, and he spoke in a mumble, “Most people tell me to grow up and figure out a real job, but it’s all I really want to do. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do, and I’ve never wanted anything as much. I know the chances of making it big are statistically small, but that’s what they tell everyone, and obviously other bands make it, right ? I don’t care if I’m selling millions of records, I just want to touch people through music in some way. Even if I don’t make it big, I want someone somewhere to be affected.” His smile turned wistful. “Can you imagine, playing in front of a crowd of thousands, having people sing your own lyrics back to you ? People who understand, who are all going through the same thing and can recite the words that are your soul poured out on paper right back at you ? That’s the feeling I want, the feeling of unity and togetherness, and…home.” He buried his face in my bed, again like he was afraid of being laughed at. But that was the most heartfelt thing I’d ever heard.

He sounded a lot like me, because I lived for music. I wouldn’t be here without it, and yes, I could imagine that. I had only been to a few concerts before, it was dangerous for me to go because of my ‘issues’, but I could imagine being on the other side, in the band instead of in the crowd. I didn’t know what to say back to him, because it seemed as though he had just told me his biggest dream and I had nothing to give back to him. Vic turned to me “You think I’m stupid now, don’t you ? God, I knew I shouldn’t have-“ I cut him off. “Vic. VIC. Stop. I don’t think you’re stupid, I think you’re…amazing. Inspiring, motivated, dedicated…and just…wow.” His smile lit up his whole face, but his words didn’t match that grin “You’re just saying that.” I shook my head, “Victor. I mean it.” He smacked my arm playfully when I called him Victor, and I ruffled his hair in return.

“Lia ?”

“Yeah ?”

“Thanks.”

“Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple - to be happy. Maybe it’s this expectation though of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to states of bliss, the more confused we get to the point where we don’t recognize ourselves. Instead, we just keep smiling trying to be the happy people we wish we were until it eventually hits us. It’s been there all along. Not in our dreams or our hopes, but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.”