You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

My body jolted up into a sitting position. My body is drenched with sweat. My heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest. It’s been a week since I got out of the hospital and the nightmares are getting worse. They are nothing really concrete, just glimpses of a weird apartment that I don’t recognize. It’s giving me a migraine trying to figure it out. No one is helping either, they won’t tell me anything. All I know is that I didn’t try to purposefully kill myself. And for whatever reason I was taking drugs, which is so unlike me. I would never take drugs, ever. I’ve seen it ruin lives and I swore I would never go down that road. So why would I take drugs? I wouldn’t take my pain that far, so it couldn’t just be because I had a fight with Alex. From what I gather in the nightmares, something bad happened to me. I just wish I knew what it was. I just want to remember everything! Where I was, why I was there, what happened to me?

I scooted up on my bed so my back was flat against the backboard and sighed. I looked over and saw Alex fast asleep next to me. His body was sprawled across my bed. His mouth was open slightly and even with the drool coming out of his mouth, he is so freaking sexy. He hasn’t left my side since I came home, even that day in the hospital he stayed in the room with me. He’s not exactly smothering me, but he’s scared to let me out of his sight. He gives me my space though, lets me do what I need to do. He constantly is reminding me that he’s there for me and he cares about me. I know he feels guilty for the fight we had, but I wish he wouldn’t. I probably should tell him that I remember that I overheard Lisa telling Briana that Alex asked her to come out to LA and they were most likely getting back together. I almost did when I first remembered that part a couple days ago, but I didn’t. Partly because I’m scared that he’s only here out of guilt and when I tell him that I remember and that’s far from the reason drugs ended up in my system that he would just leave. There would be no reason for him to feel guilty anymore. I’m not ready to let him go yet. I feel comforted by him being here, I’m a lot less scared wrapped up in his arms at night. It’s making me fall more and more for him so I’m essentially hurting myself. But I can’t help it, he’s convinced me that he’s here for me and wouldn’t leave me.

Alex stirred next to me. I looked over at him and smiled. I told him that we have plenty of bed and couch space in our house, but after my first nightmare he insisted that he would sleep with me in case I needed him. It’s a sweet gesture and I appreciate it a lot. I looked over to my picture board with a sigh. I know that Alex isn’t the boy at that party, that’s another reason why I haven’t told him about remembering. He wouldn’t have stayed by my side when he found out that I was okay if he wanted to be with Lisa right?

Finally I slowly got out of bed, trying not to disturb Alex, and went to the bathroom to take a shower. I feel so gross from sweating. The cold water flowing over my body felt amazing. I quickly finished my shower and wrapped a towel around my body as I got out of the shower. When I got back to my room Alex was still sound asleep, but now he’s lying on his stomach in the middle of the bed rather than on his back. I laughed to myself as I quietly got clothes to change into. I pulled out a bra, panties, a pair of basketball shorts and an oversized shirt. I ran my brush through my hair and pulled it up into a messy bun. I really didn’t feel like going downstairs so I went over opened the door to my balcony and went out. I sat down in the chair that was out there, pulling my knees up to my chest and hugged them there. I looked at the house across the street and saw the kids playing in the yard. It makes me miss being a kid; it was so simple back then. We had not a care in the world. Now the weight of the world seems to be on our shoulders. And it sucks.

Suddenly Tarzan and Max tried to jump on me. I let my feet slide off of the chair and rest on the floor as I bend down and pick them up. “How did you guys get into my room?” I ask them in a baby voice.

“I let them in.” Alex’s voice startled me. I looked over at him and took in his appearance. He had major bed head, yet made it look sexy just like he made his drool face look sexy. He stretched and yawned before speaking again. “Why are you up so early?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” I shrugged and returned my attention to my pups. “Why are you awake?”

“For one those little guys were scratching at your door and it woke me up, plus it got cold in the bed.” He smiled mischievously.

“Took you long enough to notice.” I retorted playfully. He snorted and shook his head as he walked toward me. He picked up my hand and pulled me up making the dogs jump down, at first I thought he was going to make me go back to bed with him, but to my surprise he sat down in the chair I was just occupying then pulled me down onto his lap. I curled up on his lap, laying my head on his shoulder as he traced my EKG line tattoo that’s on my wrist.

“So I know of two tattoos, you said you have five, what are the other three?” he asked finally.

“I have more than five tattoos, I actually have seven. And four piercings.” I told him.

He raised an eyebrow, “But you said that one day that you have five.”

“Because you asked what my tattoo said, five of my tattoos consist of words so I needed to know which of those you were talking about, even though I already knew.” I laughed.

“Okay miss sass pants, what are the other five?” he asked sarcastically.

“Well one is noticeable, not sure why you didn’t notice it.” I said as I sat up on his lap and pulled my shirt down a little bit so my tattoo was exposed.

“You’ll be in my heart always.” He read the words under my collarbone. I saw his Adam’s apple move, he was nervous about what it says.

“It’s not about Blake if that’s what you’re thinking.” I told him and he instantly calmed down. He looked like he wanted to ask but didn’t. “Someone I knew died, but that’s a story for another time.”

“I understand.” He nodded.

“Then there is this one,” I said lifting up my right foot where it said ‘Life’s a dance’ “I used to dance all the time. It was my life beside photography.”

“Why did you quit?” he questioned.

“Blake.” I said simply and he understood. “Then I have a sun on my left ankle. It’s an inside thing with Rae.” I stood up off his lap and lifted up my shirt and showed him my hip where I had an old fashioned key that said honesty. “Again, I don’t know how you missed this one.”

“I like that one, honesty really is key.” He smiled.

Now I pulled shirt off my shoulders a little bit to expose the tattoo that’s there. There was a flock of birds and under it, it says ‘take these broken wings and learn to fly.’ “That one is probably my favorite. All my tattoos have a personal meaning to me, but that one is a family thing.”

“That one is amazing. Zack’s mom got you a bird necklace for your birthday, does that have something to do with it?” he asked curiously.

I sat back down on his lap and nodded. “It does. That song was one of mine and my sibling’s favorite songs growing up. My mom would get so mad at us for over playing it, but we never cared.”

“Your relationship with your brother and sister is amazing.” He smiled but it quickly faded. I put my hands on either side of his face and rubbed his cheeks with my thumbs. I waited for him to look up at me before leaning in and kissing his on his lips with as much passion as I could muster up. His eyes lit up after we pulled away. He wasn’t expecting me to do that, but obviously loved every second of it.

“I know you have your half siblings in England, but you could always share mine if you need some kind of sibling rivalry or advice.” I smiled brightly at him.

“I don’t think they like me much though.” he sighed.

“They don’t like me sometimes, it’s part of being a family. Plus they will come around soon. Bri likes you but won’t admit to it until you do something spectacular to prove that you won’t hurt me. It’ll take Liam longer because he’s the over protective older brother.” I explained to him.

We sat there for a long time. Me curled up on his lap while he holds me and the dogs running around and jumping at us. After getting the courage I finally broke the silence. “Since we were just talking about honesty, I think I should be honest with you.” I sat up.

“What do you mean?” he furrowed his eyebrows.

“I know about my run in with Lisa. I remembered a couple days ago, but have been too afraid to tell you.” I said as I played with the hem of my shirt.

Alex gripped my chin in between his index finger and his thumb and lifted up my face so I was looking at him. “Why were you afraid to tell me? Haven’t I made it clear that I am here for you and that I care about you?”

I sighed and shrugged. “I just convinced myself that you only came to the hospital out of guilt and that’s why you stayed. And once I told you that I didn’t take drugs or try to kill myself because of that stupid situation that you would have nothing to feel guilty about and would leave and would be free to be with Lisa.”

He licked his lips, his eyes never leaving mine. “I want you to listen to me; I am here because I want to be. Not because I feel guilty. I care so much about you; I want to be with you. You need to know that I didn’t ask Lisa to go to LA to be with me. She had to be there for work or something and I told her that we should have lunch one day. I completely forgot about it until Zack jumped down my throat about it when Rae told him about what you heard. I have no intention of getting back with Lisa, ever. I went back and forth with her for so long that I am so tired of it; I need to move on from her. I hope one day that you can see that I won’t treat you like Blake did, that I would never hurt you. I will protect you until the day that I die.”

“Does she know that?” I questioned.

“When I found out what happened and you wouldn’t answer my calls, I called her and told her that she misread anything I said. That I didn’t want to get back together, that I had found someone else and I wouldn’t let her or anyone ruin that for me.” his eyes were glossy, I could tell that he was being honest with me. That’s what scares me. He’s falling for me just as much as I am falling for him.

“I believe you. But right now I need to take a breath and go talk to Zack.” I told him, his face fell. “Don’t look so worried. I just need a best friend pep talk.” I reassure him. I stood up and kissed his cheek before leaving the balcony. I went downstairs to see if Zack was up. He was sitting in the kitchen with Liam, who should be back in Florida but won’t leave until he’s one hundred percent sure that I am going to be okay.

“Can I talk to you guys?” I asked as I sat next to Zack at the table.

“Of course. What’s up?” Liam asked.

“I know you both have been worried about Alex being here, and I know why.”

“You do?” Zack cut me off.

I nodded. “Yeah I remembered a couple days ago, and before you get worried, I am fine. I had a long talk with Alex and I know that he cares about me and the whole Lisa situation was a misunderstanding. But I still don’t know what to do. How can I be sure that he won’t hurt me?”

“You don’t know; none of can know that for sure. But I can tell you that Alex is a good guy, he’s made some mistakes, but that’s part of being human. I know he would never intentionally hurt you.” Zack told me.

“I don’t know a guy who would sleep on those hard and uncomfortable hospital chairs for days for a girl that he barely knows. He wouldn’t leave even to go take a shower or eat. Jack had to bring him food and water. He obviously cares about you immensely.” Liam said.

“I have no doubt in my mind that he cares about me, I’m just scared. I have spent so long to building up these ways to let them come crashing down and me be back to square one. I can’t go back to that dark place again.” A few tears slid down my cheeks.

“Don’t let our childhood or Blake ruin something good that could happen.” Liam said sternly. Growing up none of us had a picture perfect childhood, we had a lot of shit happen to us and Liam has always told us girls to not let it affect us. He didn’t, he found the perfect wife and has amazing kids. Briana let it affect her a little bit, she wasn’t guarded but she went down some bad paths. I took it the hardest.

“The challenges of life is what makes the good things worth it, if you never knew pain you would never know love. The more you love, the more you find happiness, but the more evil and hurt and struggle you put yourself through will try to break you. Please don’t let all of the bad things break you even more than it already has. I’ve seen you in a very dark place and none of us want to see you back there. But you can’t just spend your life alone because you’re afraid. Take this risk and I know you’ll be happy with it. It will make you stronger.” Zack said as he rubbed my back.

I thought about what both Liam and Zack have just told me and took it all into consideration. They both are right, I need to stop letting my past dictate my future. I don’t want to be alone. Every girl has dreamed about growing up and marrying their prince charming and having a family. Just because I was so insecure didn’t mean I didn’t dream of those things too. So I have to put my past behind me and move forward with my life finally. I’m terrified, but that lets me know I am alive right? I know what I have to do now.

“Thanks for the talk guys.” I smiled at them. I stood up and gave them both hugs before going back upstairs into my room.

When I got to my room I saw Alex sitting in the middle of my bed with the dogs. Max was lying peacefully on Alex’s lap, while Tarzan was bouncing around. Alex grabbed Tarzan’s tiny body and pinned him to the bed. Tarzan put his front paws on Alex’s hand trying to wiggle out of his grasp and his nibbled on his fingers. I laughed making all of them look up at me. Alex let Tarzan go and he jumped off the bed, landing on his head but quickly gained his composure and ran over to me. I bent down and picked him up, hugging him to my chest. I shut my bedroom door before walking over and sitting on the foot of my bed, placing Tarzan on my lap.

“Have a nice talk?” he asked me as he pet Max.

“I did, and I have come to a conclusion.” Alex looked up at me with hopeful eyes. “I’m tired of running and hiding from everything. You’re the best thing to happen to me in a while, so I am going to give you a chance.”

“Really?” a big smile spread across Alex’s face. I nodded, smiling back at him. He picked Max up off of his lap and placed him on the bed before tacking me. I squealed which made the dogs start barking and jump on Alex. He straddled my body and pinned my arms above my head, “So does this make you my girlfriend now? Or do you still want to take some time?”

“You Alex Gaskarth can officially say that on April twentieth one Lauren Montgomery became his girlfriend.” I told him proudly.

“Fuck yeah!” he cheered then leaned down, kissing me sweetly. This is the happiest I have been in a very long time. I know in my heart that this was right and it felt amazing.