You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

“Alex, wake the fuck up!” I heard Rian yell. I groaned and threw a pillow at him, not even opening my eyes. “Alex, I swear if you don’t wake the fuck up I will kick your scrawny ass.” He yelled more forcefully.

I rubbed my eyes as I looked around the room; I was in my room, on my bed. How did I get here? Oh right, I came to tell Lisa to move out. I must have fallen asleep while I was doing my laundry. But why is Rian so pissed? “What’s going on?” I yawned as I sat up.

“We’ve been calling you for the past four fucking hours!” he said angrily. Whoa, what the hell happened?

“For what? Zack knew I would be here.” I asked confused.

“Yeah, but you were supposed to come right back.” He snapped. Did they think I was hooking up with Lisa or something? I promised Zack I wouldn’t hurt Lo, so why is everyone flipping a shit?

“I’m sorry! I was cleaning up the place before we leave. I just fell asleep.” I grumbled.

“Well next time you decide to fall asleep, keep your phone nearby.” He said throwing my phone at me. I saw that I had many missed calls from him, Zack, Jack and Rae. None from Lo which made me nervous.

“What happened to her?” I gulped, knowing that something did in fact happen to her. Even if she thought I was doing something she would have called to bitch me out. The fact that she didn’t call scared the hell out of me.

“I’m not exactly sure. She came home and was crying, like sobbing. Rae took her out of the room to talk to her, a few minutes later Rae came back and looked terrified, that’s when Zack went to talk to her. The next thing I know Lo is running up the stairs. Her door slammed and she won’t come out. Everyone has tried to get her out but she won’t. We thought that you would be able to get through to her but you haven’t been answering your phone.” Rian explained. Before he even finished explaining I was out of my bed and looking for a pair of shoes to wear.

“Where are my keys?” I frantically searched for them. Rian came up behind me, putting his hand on my shoulder. I turned and he had my keys in his hand. “Thanks.”

“Please be careful driving over there. We don’t need you in the hospital. I’d take you myself but I have a plane to catch.” He told me. I forgot that he was going to go visit Cassadee before we go on tour.

“I will. I have to be, for her.” I nodded.

“I think that’s the most mature thing you’ve ever said.” He smiled at me. I just hugged him and bolted from the house.

When I got to Lo’s house I didn’t bother knocking on the door, I just walked right in. I went to the living room where Zack, Jack, Rae and Briana were. Izzy was playing on the floor with the dogs, blissfully unaware that something is wrong. They all looked up at me with pained looks on their faces. “What happened?” I asked. There was an ache in my heart; it hurt to know that there is something wrong with Lo.

“She remembered what happened to her.” It was Briana who spoke and my heart sank. I wasn’t here for her when she remembered. Why didn’t I just come back here after telling Lisa to move out? I’m so fucking stupid.

“Oh god.” I breathed out. “Where is she now?”

“She’s been locked in her room for the past two hours. We heard her crying for a while, but I guess she fell asleep.” Rae told me.

“You seriously didn’t break down the door? What if she hurt herself?” I snapped at them.

“We’ve swept her entire room for anything she could harm herself with.” Zack shook his head.

“Alex does have a point; we all know how Lo is. If she’s hurting she’ll find a way. We should have gotten her out of that room the second she locked us out.” Briana rationalized. Before anyone could respond to her I ran up the stairs and to Lo’s room. I jiggled the doorknob and it was still locked. I tried to kick it in, but it didn’t work. So I took out my wallet and grabbed a credit card, hopefully this trick still works like it did when I was a teenager. Thankfully it did, but when I swung open the door Lo was nowhere to be found.

“Guys she’s not up here!” I yelled and they all came running. When I heard them coming I realized that her balcony door was open. “Would she really climb down from the second floor?” I asked nervously.

“She would and it looks like she did.” Rae sighed.

“She always did it as a teenager when she lived at home. She became a pro at sneaking out.” Briana told me.

“Where would she go? She could be anywhere by now, hell she could be lying in a ditch somewhere for all we know.” I grew more and more frustrated. I was worried sick about Lo. I’m terrified that she has hurt herself and we won’t find her in time. Or even that this creep found her again or any other creeps and is hurting her. I can’t lose this girl.

“I think we should just split up and look around town. I’ll go with Alex and of course Izzy, Rae and Jack y’all go together and Zack stay here in case she comes home. When we find her we text everyone, okay?”

Everyone agreed and we went our separate ways. I wasn’t sure why Briana wanted to go with me because we haven’t really gotten along that well. We’re not enemies or anything and she’s always been really nice to me, but I can tell that she doesn’t approve of me. I’m not sure if it’s because of my past with Lo or because she just doesn’t trust me with her sister. I’ve never voiced my concern either and it’s starting to take a toll on me. I just want to know where we stand. But this isn’t the time to get into that conversation because our main concern right now is finding Lo. I just kept quiet and stared out of the window. “I know you think I hate you, but I don’t.” Briana broke the silence. My head snapped toward her and flashed a confused look. Briana looked at me quickly before looking back at the road. “You’re easy to read. I like you a lot; you’ve been good for Lauren. I’ve seen how she’s opened up since she’s been with you, but I’ve also seen how much you have hurt her. I know it’s been unintentional and I can tell you feel horribly about everything that has conspired. Lauren is my sister and she’s been through so much in her life. It hurts my heart that she’s had to go through the shit she has.”

“Ooo, mommy, you said a bad word.” Izzy said from the back seat. I laughed at this.

“Sorry baby girl.” Briana said, looking in the rearview mirror quickly. “What I’m trying to get at is, I trust you with my sister, but don’t think for a second that means I will go easy on you. And I will not hesitate to castrate you if you hurt my sister.”

“I promise you that I won’t hurt her and if I do, I will never forgive myself.” I told her honestly.

“Just one more thing, please get rid of that vile girl you call an ex. I’ve met her and I want to choke her. You know she always talks about you when she comes into the salon. She acts like you guys are Cinderella and Prince Charming. And that’s obviously not the case.” She told me. I sighed; I really wish Lisa would just stop her crap.

“I’m sorry about her. I kicked her out of my house today which is why I left. But she won’t make this an easy process. Don’t get me wrong we used to be one of those sickenly adorable couples, but we just grew apart. Or well I grew apart from her; I’m just not in love with her. She is still holding on though.” I explained to her.

“If she causes problems, she’ll have to deal with me and that’s not something that she wants to happen.” She says seriously. The car came to a stop and she put it in park. I look up and see that we’re at the cemetery. “Go get my sister.”

I look over at Briana, once again confused. “You knew she would be here, so why didn’t you tell the others?”

“Because right now she needs you not any of us. If it was us that she needed, she wouldn’t have run off like she did and shut us out. Everyone knows she hates coming here, but what everyone doesn’t know is this is where she goes when can’t deal with life. Leo was her other half and without him she gets lost. Zack and Rae sometimes can help, but there’s times she needs her twin so she comes here. I’m the only one that knows.” She explained.

“Thanks.” I nodded then got out of the car. Thankfully I remembered where I was going otherwise I would be very lost. When I found Leo’s grave I saw Lo sitting there picking at the grass and talking. I slowly walked over to her and kneeled down. “Hey, everyone is worried about you.”

“How did you find me?” she asked curiously.

“Briana is actually sitting in the car with Izzy.” I told her. She snorted and rolled her eyes but said nothing. “I’m sorry I wasn’t at the house when you came home.”

She looked up at me, it was clear that she has been crying a lot. Her eyes were red and puffy and that broke my heart. I went to reach for her so I could comfort her but she pulled away from me. “You shouldn’t be here, please just go away.”

“I’m not going anywhere, you can push me away all you want, Lo, but I will not leave. I care about you way too much to leave you alone when you need me the most.” I stressed to her.

“You shouldn’t care about me, I am tainted and broken. I have nothing to offer. All I am is a girl who wakes up and puts on a fake smile to get through the day. Inside I am dying, I’m slowly dying. I’m so hallow and numb but at the same time I feel so much pain. I’m not even sure how that works but that’s how it is for me. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. Hell, I’ve been faking so long that I’m not even sure what is real anymore.” She said as she started to cry again. Her voice wasn’t vulnerable though, it was very angry. I wasn’t sure what to do.

“You aren’t tainted, but I can’t tell you that you’re not broken because we both know you are. But you don’t have to be broken. If you just let me in, I can help you heal so you don’t have to put on a fake smile. You can find your true happiness again. Just please let me help you.” I begged her.

I heard her sniff as she traced the sun that was engraved on Leo’s headstone. I recognized that sun; it was the same sun that she had tattooed on her ankle. And it’s also the same tattoo that Zack has on his chest. But I swear she said it was an inside thing between her and Rae. I shook the thoughts out of my head because I have to help her right now. She looked up at me with such sadness in her eyes. “You know don’t you? You know he raped me.”

I sighed, I hated keeping the details of her attack from her but it’s what everyone said was the best thing to do. “Yeah I do.”

“And you still want to be with me? Why would you want to be with a girl that is so damaged?” she asked.

“Because I care about you and I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that you are worthy to be loved. Because what happened wasn’t your fault. Some creep drugged and raped you. And I want nothing more than to put that asshole in a grave for hurting you. Plus none of this would have happened if I had thrown Lisa out of my life long ago. I feel so guilty and I wish I could turn back time and tell you about Lisa and her crazy intentions so this all could be prevented.”

“So this is a pity thing?” she asked bitterly.

“No!” I yelled. “I cared about you long before this happened. This incident just made me closer to you because I want to protect you. When I saw you so helpless in the hospital I felt sick to my stomach. All I wanted to do was take you in my arms and never let go. And it’s not out of pity, never for a second believe that. It’s because I can feel myself falling in love with you and that does scare the shit of me.”

“You can’t just fix me! I’m not a broken toy that you can just glue back together. Sometimes you just can’t fix a broken heart. The damage is too great to fix. Don’t waste your time on a girl who is far too damaged when you deserve better.” She started to sob. I didn’t care if she didn’t want me to hold her, I was going to. I pulled her into my arms and she fought me but I just held onto her tighter. Eventually she gave up fighting and clung to me as she cried.

“I know you can’t just tape a broken heart back together. But I would at least like to try to fix it. I promise you that I will love you no matter what.” I told her and kissed her forehead.

“I’m scared of falling too deep too fast. I’m scared of getting hurt and most of all I’m scared of losing you.” she admitted through her tears.

“I won’t let anything happen to you again.” I said honestly.

“Why do you have to be so perfect?” she mumbled against my chest.

I laughed lightly, “I’m far from perfect. We all have made mistakes and we all have secrets.”

She sat back down on the ground and started at the headstone. I sat next to her, putting my arm around her shoulder and pulling her to me. We sat in silence for a few minutes before I broke the silence. “So you told me that your sun tattoo had to do with you and Rae, but I noticed that it’s the same sun on the headstone and the same sun that Zack has on his chest.”

She sighed heavily before responding. “It started off as an inside thing between me and Rae. We would always tell each other sunshine instead of saying I love you. The boys eventually caught on and it became a group thing. And it became more than just a secret way to say I love you to each other, it became our promise word. When we say sunshine it’s us swearing on our lives that we’re telling the truth.”

I really didn’t know what to say after that. I never really know what to say to her when we talk about her brother. I know there’s never a right thing to say to someone who has lost someone they are close to. When my brother died and everyone tried to talk to me, saying that it was okay or things will get better, or just make small talk, it made me feel worse. Things never get better, things are never okay, and you don’t recover from a death of a loved one. You just eventually learn not to let it eat you alive, but it still hurts like hell every single day. So I just hugged her close to me to let her know that I was there for her.

“I told Lisa she had to move out, so I hope you don’t mind that I stay at your house until we go on tour. I told her she could have until tour was over to get a new place.” I told her suddenly. She looked up at me with a shocked expression on her face, then a smile broke out across her face.

“You really did that for me?” her voice squeaked.

“Haven’t you been listening? I would do anything to prove to you that I care about you immensely. To prove to you that you are worthy of happiness and love.” I smiled at her then kissed the tip of her nose.

“I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I think I am ready to finally let myself to heal.” She said then leaned in to kiss me. It was a slow yet passion filled kiss. As gay as it sounds I felt my stomach do cartwheels.

“Can I ask you one more question?” she nodded with curious eyes. “Jack told me a while ago that something bigger happened between you and Lisa, beside that night at the party. I was just wonder what happened?”

She licked her lips then turned to where she was sitting facing me. “Lisa was a bully; she came off as this sweet girl to the world. But I knew better than that. She bullied me a lot. I know it sounds weird since we didn’t even go to the same school, but she was friends with people who went to Towson. She was a cheerleader and those bitches stick together. When she would see me she would just make snarky remarks to me, trip me, push me, anything to get a rise out of me. I hated her so much, I still do.”

I gasped at Lo’s words, I knew Lisa had this twisted, delusional side to her, but never once did I ever think she would bully anyone. Now I really am glad that I kicked her out of my house and my life. I know deep down though that our battle isn’t done. But I will do everything in my power to keep her from hurting Lo again. “I’m sorry she did that to you.”

“It’s not your fault that you had lousy taste in girls.” She joked. It was good to hear her laughing and joking. I hated to see her so broken and depressed.

We sat and joked around for a few more minutes then we heard people talking in a distance. We turned around and saw Briana, Izzy, Zack, Rae and Jack all walking toward us. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again, do you hear me?” Rae scolded Lo.

“I promise.” Lo smiled as we both stood up and the two girls hugged.

“So Jack and I have discussed a few band things and we’ve hired a music photographer for this tour.” Zack blurted out of now where. I looked over at him confused, why is he talking about business at a time like this?

“Um, dude, your best friend just remembered a tragic time and you’re talking about band business? What the hell?” I asked disgusted.

“I know what happened, and it’s Lo who we are hiring. She needs out of Baltimore for a while to just get away from the memories. And I don’t want to leave her, even though I know she’ll be with Rae and her family, I just don’t think I could stay focused on tour knowing that creep is still out there and she’s here without me. Plus I see how you are with her and know you would appreciate the extra time with her.” Zack explained to me.

“And I don’t get a say in this at all?” Lo said with her hands on her hips.

“It’s a paying job where you all you do is take pictures of us sexy guys.” Jack smiled proudly.

“You’re lucky I love you guys. I’ll do it.” Lo squealed. Jack cheered as Zack hugged her tightly. This is going to be the best tour ever!