You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

It’s been three days since that disastrous lunch in New York. Alex hasn’t asked any questions to why I had a meltdown, but I can tell that he wants to know. I can also tell that he’s terrified that I am going to leave once again because he keeps a tight hold on me at night. Our first night back from New York I couldn’t sleep so I just laid awake while he slept and he had a dream that I was leaving and he just kept repeating ‘please don’t leave’ in his sleep. It broke my heart to hear him keep saying those words as he squeezed me tighter to his body. I laid there silently crying until sleep consumed me. I’m surprised he let me go to my mom’s house by myself today. That’s where I am now; I told him I wanted to spend my last day before tour with my family. He understood, plus he had to go to his house and pack.

“So you still haven’t told him?” Briana asked me as I sat on the floor and played with Faith. She’s referring to me not telling Alex that I have a two year old baby girl. I have no idea how to bring that up in a conversation.

“Nope.” I said. “What am I supposed to say? Hey Alex, is pasta good for dinner? Oh I have a two year old. You want garlic bread?”

“Don’t be such a sarcastic ass.” She pushed my shoulder with her foot since she was lying on the couch. “You need to tell him though.”

I sighed. “I know I do, and it’s really not telling him about Faith that bothers me. I love her so much and would love for her to meet Alex. But the moment he finds out about her, and then I will have to tell him about West Brooke and everything leading up to that. He probably has some idea of that happening but it’s different to think something happened than actually knowing.”

“Well in the words of the very sexy Johnny Depp, we’re all damaged in our own way. Nobody’s perfect. I think we’re all somewhat screwy. Every single one of us.” Briana said in her best Johnny Depp voice making me laugh. “We’re a couple of girls who grew up way too quickly and who got dealt a lot of bad luck. But we are not weak because we are damaged goods; it’s because of our past that we are strong.”

“You sound like Alex.” I laughed sadly.

“Well then he’s a better guy than I give him credit for.” She joked. “Look, he knows that you have a not so pleasant past. We all have things we wish we could change about our pasts, but we can’t. All we can do is focus on the here and now. You’re not upset about Alex finding out that you had a complete mental breakdown, you’re still beating yourself up over losing custody of Faith and not being able to get it back.”

She’s partly right, I do hate that I let myself get so depressed that I lost my daughter. And I have no idea why the courts won’t let me have Faith back. It’s ridiculous, I am better! I have a steady job, I have a house, and I went to therapy, what else do they want me to do? I almost got custody back, but then the whole date rape incident happened and they said I am still a flight risk. My mom is great though, she lets me take Faith whenever I want, and she does have custody so she can do whatever she wants to do with Faith. I’m still terrified I will be a horrible mother though. I have no idea how to raise a child. A part of me wants to say fuck the tour and just stay home and be with Faith while Alex is gone on tour, but the pay is good and I give as much money as I can to my mom to help with Faith’s expenses. I know you’re probably thinking that I should be doing everything humanly possible to be a good mom, stop my drinking and partying, focus on my daughter and not on a relationship, and I tell myself that every day of my life. Then I remember everything that has happened to me, I am far too damaged to be a mom.

“She deserves better.” I sighed. Faith picked up a block and handed it to me. I took it from her and smiled, placing it on the stack of blocks she had made.

“No, she deserves her mom. Me and mom may be the ones she sees every day, but you are her mom and she knows that. She may be too young to realize that you not being here isn’t normal, but she will one day. She will always know that you are her mom and only you can fix this.” Briana told me.

“Do you think I would be a good mom?” I asked her. I picked up Faith and placed her on my lap, hugging her close to my body. I wish I could just take her and run away.

“Of course you would be. If I can be a good mom, so can you. I had Izzy at nineteen, same age as you were when you had Faith. Coincidently they were both product of a one night stand.” She laughed. “We are pretty messed up. But I had no idea what I was doing, hell I still don’t. I didn’t even want kids, but I wouldn’t change having Izzy, she’s the best thing to ever happen to me. And in my opinion the damaged people make the best parents. We know what not to do, and just because we have intimacy issues doesn’t mean we don’t want to be loved and not know how to love. A kid gives us an opportunity of both. We have this amazing tiny person who loves us for being their parent and protecting them from the world and the monsters. They don’t know our past and they don’t care. And it gives us someone to love and who won’t hurt us. Look at mom, she has been the best damn mom ever and she had one failed relationship after another.”

Briana was right, our mom didn’t have the ideal life but she never once gave up on us. In fact she worked harder to keep us safe, protected and loved. We didn’t have much growing up, but we always knew that our mom loved us and would do anything for us. I remember when Briana was about sixteen and I was fourteen, she wanted to go to this concert and of course we didn’t have the extra cash to let her go, so what does my mom do? She picks up extra shifts to save up enough money to let Briana go to that concert. The thing that made it so special though was that Briana never once asked our mom if she could go, she had overheard us talking about it and our mom just did what she had to do. It broke her when Liam decided to move to Florida to live with his dad but she wouldn’t let us see it. She got up each morning and made our breakfast and sent us off to school. But we heard her every night crying in her room. I wish I could be half the woman my mom is. Now comes the hardest part of my relationship with Alex, telling him about Faith.

“You’re right.” I smiled at Briana. “The question now is how do I go on this tour and leave Faith here? I’ve never left her and I am not completely sure if I can.” Faith looked up at me and laughed. Her adorable chubby cheeks and bright blue eyes melted my heart. This little girl was my life and I am going to do everything in my power to get her back.

“You can’t take her on tour and we both know that this tour is an amazing opportunity for you. Not just for the job experience but for you to finally be able to let your guard down and be in a good relationship.” Briana persuaded.

“But Faith, what if she thinks I won’t come home?” I start to tear up. Faith senses my distress and wiggles out of my arms. She stands up in front of me, cocking her head to the side. “No cry, momma.” She said to me then wrapped her tiny arms around my neck. That is exactly what I needed.

“She won’t think that, I can promise you that. And if it will make you feel better I will bring her to you for a few days.” Briana said sliding off the couch and onto the floor next to me.

“That would be amazing. The concert won’t be a place for a two and four year old but I could always ask for a couple days off. I’m sure two shows without pictures would be fine. Or I can shoot their sets and have the rest of the time free.” I said more to myself than to Briana. Ideas were floating through my head, I can make this work. I just have to figure out how to tell Alex first. How would he take it that I have a daughter? I know he’s great with Izzy; he loves that little girl to death. He can love Faith too, right?

“We will make it work. No matter what.” Briana reassured me. The front door opened and slammed shut then we heard footsteps running on the wood floors toward the living room. That could only mean that Ryleigh and Johnny are home. They have been at their friend’s house down the street all afternoon.

“Lauren!” Ryleigh squealed when she saw me. She ran over to me and hugged me tightly. I hadn’t seen her in a few days and even then it wasn’t that long. She’s pretty close to me, she’s my little spitfire. My mom said that Ryleigh is my mini me because she’s so much like me and she hadn’t grown up with me for the first few years of her life. Johnny on the other hand is a little more reserved. He’s a shy kid, but we try to open him up.

“I missed you!” I squealed.

“Olivia says you’re leaving for the summer.” Ryleigh said sadly. I sighed; this is making me want to change my mind about this tour. It’s only a little over a month, but I’m not sure if I can leave my family. This decision is so difficult but I know in the end I need to go.

“It’s only for a month, the time will fly by.” I promised her.

“I’ll be taking Izzy and Faith to visit her, maybe you and Johnny can come with me. Rae will probably be coming too. You’ll get to visit Zack too.” Briana tried to make Ryleigh feel better.

“Really?” Ryleigh’s face lit up. Briana nodded as Ryleigh squealed with excitement.

“Do you have to go?” Johnny asked sadly.

“I do, but like I told Ry, the time will fly by. And Briana will bring you to visit. You could tell your friends when you go back to school that you went to a concert.” I told him. He got a big smile on his face and became excited about it. We spend the next few hours just hanging out. Since my mom was at work, we just turned on the music and danced around the living room. We even let the kids help us bake some cookies.

As we were getting ready to cook dinner Alex called me and asked if I would mind going over to his parents’ house to meet them since we’re leaving tomorrow. I really didn’t want to leave the kids since I won’t see them for a couple of weeks, but I reluctantly agreed. I told him I couldn’t stay for too long because I wanted to spend a little bit of time before the kids go to bed. He said that they were getting ready for dinner now so would pick me up and we would just have dessert and talk for a little bit then he would take me home.

“Oh my god, I have nothing to wear!” I groaned as we finished dinner. Alex would be here in about fifteen minutes and I have no clothes. I’m wearing sweats and a crop top; this is not respectable clothing to wear to meet my boyfriend’s parents for the first time. Briana rolled her eyes and took me upstairs to her room and went through her closet to find me something to wear. She finally settled on a black mini skirt with a sheer overlay, a sheer pink button up sleeveless shirt with a black bandeau top under it. She put my hair up so I looked sophisticated. When the doorbell rang, my heart began to race.

Briana ran downstairs before one of the kids answered the door. I bent down and kissed both Faith and Izzy bye and told them I would be back later. I grabbed my purse and rushed downstairs where Briana and Alex were talking in the entry way. Alex looked up at me with wide eyes. “Wow, you look beautiful.” He smiled.

“Thanks.” I felt my cheeks heat up. “It’s not too inappropriate for meeting the parents?” I was still unsure since you can still see my stomach.

“Hell no.” he chuckled. “You’re perfect, you could be in pajamas and my parents wouldn’t care.”

I walked to the entry way and kissed Alex before telling Briana I will be back in a couple of hours. To say I was nervous was putting it mildly. I’m not really sure I was so nervous about though. Briana says it’s because I want to be liked by them and fear if his parents don’t like me then it would cause trouble in our relationship. She’s pretty much right on. Ever since the whole debacle with Blake I’ve had very low self-esteem and fear that people won’t like me especially once they know about my past. That’s why I always try to hide it from everyone I meet. When we pulled up to Alex’s parent’s house I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, here goes nothing. “Don’t be nervous.” Alex told me as he helped me out of his car. He put his arm around my shoulders and kissed my forehead as we walked to the door. I felt so safe in his arms, like nothing can hurt me. I’ve never felt the sense of security from anyone outside my family like I do with Alex. Zack and Rae don’t count because they are my family, may not be by blood but none the less they are my family. And with Jack, it’s weird because I know he would never let anything or anyone hurt me and I know I will always be safe with Jack, but its different knowing something and feeling something. I don’t always know if Alex will keep me safe but I feel it. I probably sound like a crazy person but I don’t know how else to explain it.

“Mom, Dad, I’m back!” Alex called through the house. I held onto Alex’s hand tightly as I admired the house. Soon enough his parents appeared in front of us. I felt like I was going to be sick, I wanted to be anywhere but here. “Mom, Dad, this is Laruen. Lo, these are my parents.” Alex introduced us.

“It’s so lovely to finally meet you.” Mrs. Gaskarth gushed in her British accent as she pulled in me into a hug. I jumped slightly from the shock of her hugging me, I’m not used to people I don’t know hugging me.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Mrs. Gaskarth.” I said nervously.

“Call me Isobel, darling.” She smiled at me.

“Alex has talked about you nonstop for weeks. It’s nice to finally put a face to all of his raving.” Mr. Gaskarth chuckled. I looked at Alex who was turning red. “And please call me Peter.”

After the introductions we proceeded to the living room. Isobel made cake and coffee for everyone. They asked me your typical questions; where I grew up, what I do for a living, they asked about my family which is where it got a little bit awkward. I really didn’t know what to say, I didn’t want to give out all of my dirty laundry so I just said that my brother lives in Florida and is a cop who is married with three kids, my sister still lives at home with her daughter and my mom is raising my two half siblings since their parents died and about Leo. I’m not sure if they were just being kind or were taken back by my revelations and are judging me but they were apologized for my loses. They also wondered why Alex and I hadn’t met before since I grew up with Zack, I didn’t want to tell them that their son was a complete asshole to me so I told them that I was in my own world in high school and never really went around them when they had band practice. They seemed to understand but Isobel looked at me weird which made me nervous. Had I said something wrong? I am now really scared.

I offered to help clean up when we were done with our food. “So I take it that my son doesn’t know that you’re a mother?” she asked me out of the blue. I nearly dropped the plates I had in my hand.

“Wh-what?” I stuttered.

“I knew you looked familiar but I couldn’t really place it until you mentioned that you knew Zack. I met you at Carla’s house once a few years back and I remember you being pregnant.” She explained.

Now I remember that day clearly. I had gone over to Zack’s house because she had bought me a bunch of baby things and I went over to pick them up. Isobel dropped off Alex at the same time since his car was broken at the time, I stayed out of sight until Alex went upstairs to Zack’s room then I picked up the stuff and left the house. Carla and Isobel had been standing outside talking. Carla introduced us quickly and her eyes went straight to my swollen belly. I was extremely uncomfortable so I said bye and left as fast as I could. It appears that Isobel has quite the memory. I wish she hadn’t remembered that because I don’t want her to think I am a whore, which I kind of am. The only way out of this is to be honest; because I won’t lie to her my relationship with Alex is far too valuable to me to lie to his mother.

“No he doesn’t.” I sighed.

“How doesn’t he know? From what I’ve heard he’s been staying at your house.” She questioned suspiciously.

I wanted to cry because this conversation is getting really personal. I barely met her and she’s digging right into my life, the parts that I haven’t even told Alex. This scares me so much. What if she tells Alex that I’m no good for him? I took a deep breath and began to explain myself. “Because my daughter doesn’t live with me.”

“Did you give her up for adoption?” she asked. I shook my head and she gave me a confused look.

“I lost custody of her. I’m waiting for the right time to tell Alex. I’m so afraid of what he will think of me because it is a pretty gruesome story. I love my daughter so much and I would do anything for her, but I got into some bad shit and it ruined everything for me. But I am doing everything I can to make up for my mistakes and be a good mother to my daughter. I didn’t plan on Alex coming into my life and I fell for him hard and fast, now I’m terrified that he will leave because of me being a mom. A girl with a kid is usually a deal breaker with guys.” I began to cry. All of this was way too emotional for me especially after my conversation with Briana earlier.

“What’s going on? Why is Lauren crying?” I heard Alex ask. I looked up and saw him walking toward me with worry in his eyes.

“I was just telling Lauren how you two make an adorable couple and she started to cry.” Isobel said nonchalantly. This surprised me, she could have said I am keeping secrets, but she covered for me. Why?

“I’m just happy that she approves.” I tried to laugh off as I wiped the tears away.

“I told you she would.” He chuckled amusingly.

“I think it’s time.” Isobel nodded toward me.

“Time for what?” Alex asked confused.

“Time for us to go back to my mom’s and you get a proper introduction.” I smiled at him.

Alex looked at me skeptically but didn’t say anything. We said our goodbyes to his parents and he drove me back to my mom’s house. The car ride was completely silent. I’m not looking forward to this. Alex grabbed my arm before I could open the front door. He held my face in his hands so I wouldn’t look away from him. I know he could see the fear in my eyes. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” He told me.

“You’ve already met my mom technically.” I shrugged. They did meet when I was in the hospital, but nothing official.

“I know, but this has you all kinds of scared. And I know when you’re crying because you are happy and when you’re upset and back at my parent’s that was not happy crying, so why did you and my mom lie to me?” he questioned.

“I don’t know why your mom lied to you, I expected her to tell you what she knows about me but she didn’t for reasons unknown to me. That’s what she meant by its time, she wants me to tell you the last of my secrets.” I explained to him.

“How does my mom know?” he asked confused, letting go of my face.

I sighed, “She doesn’t know the full story, but she does know a part of it. I’ve met your mom before, back when I was nineteen. I didn’t even remember until she reminded me while we were in the kitchen.”

“So you just blurted out one of your secrets to my mom two years ago?” he was so confused and I don’t blame him, I keep tip toeing around my answers.

“No I didn’t.” I took a deep breath trying not to cry. “We should get inside so you can understand better. It’s better if you see.” I told him.

When we walked into the house my mom was cleaning up the living room. She looked up when she heard the door close. “Hey momma.” I smiled then went to hug her. “You remember Alex.”

“Of course, it’s nice to see you again. And thanks for taking care of my little girl.” She told him sincerely.

“It’s my pleasure.” Alex smiled.

It sounded like a stampede coming down the stairs but it was just Ryleigh and Johnny. Briana was actually close behind them. “Hey guys, come meet my boyfriend, Alex.” I told them. “Alex this is my little sister Ryleigh and my little brother Johnny.”

“Hi.” Ryleigh smiled brightly as she waved at him. But Johnny wasn’t so welcoming. He kicked Alex in this shin and ran over to me, burying his face in my stomach as he hugged me tightly.

“Johnny!” my mother scolded him. “I’m so sorry Alex; he’s not normally like this.”

Alex was holding his leg and looked like he was in pain. Johnny is in soccer so I know he’s got a good kick. “It’s okay.” He waved off.

“I’m sorry, he’s just really mad at you.” I told Alex. “You’re taking his big sister away and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t see me that much as it is and you’re taking me away for a little over a month and he isn’t happy about it.”

Alex didn’t say anything; he just looked at Johnny with sadness in his eyes. I smiled weakly at him before bending down to Johnny’s level. “Can you apologize to Alex for kicking him? Remember that Briana is bringing you and the kids to visit, so it won’t be as bad as you think.” Johnny turned around and apologized to Alex then ran up the stairs.

“How are you going to handle three kids by yourself on the road?” Alex asked Briana.

“Rae and Scarlett will be with me.” Briana shrugged. “And it’ll be four kids.”

“Four?” Alex asked raising an eyebrow. And here comes the secrets. I’m not mad at Briana for correcting Alex, I’m actually happy she did because I had no idea how I was going to start this conversation with Alex.

“I’ll help mom clean up down here, they are upstairs watching at a movie in my room.” Briana told me. She kissed my temple before telling Ryleigh to come help clean up.

I didn’t say anything to Alex I just grabbed his hand and walked upstairs to Briana’s room. Izzy and Faith were lying on Briana’s bed watching the Aristocats. I braced myself because I knew what Faith’s reaction would be to seeing me and it’ll bring everything out in the open. “Mommy!” Faith screamed then hopped off the bed and ran over to me. I picked her up, placing her on my hip before kissing her cheek. “Who he?” she asked pointing to Alex.

“That’s Alex, Faith. He’s my mommy’s friend.” Izzy told Faith. Alex just stood there staring at me in shock.

“You have a daughter?” he asked after a few more moments of silence.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” I apologized quietly. “I was terrified that you’d leave once you knew. I know that sounds horrible and selfish. I just didn’t know how to tell you about Faith without telling you the rest of my past, a part that I don’t want you to know about.”

“I’m not following.”

I sighed, “Izzy, go downstairs with your mommy.” I told her. I didn’t want Izzy up here for this conversation, but I don’t think I could let go of Faith. I won’t break down as bad of I have her in my arms. She is my strength. Izzy looked sad but went downstairs reluctantly.

“Obviously Faith doesn’t live with me and there’s a reason for that. I lost custody of her and I’m not proud of that.” I told Alex.

“What happened so bad that you lost custody of your daughter? And that you can’t tell me?” I could see the irritation written all over his face. I also know he wants to yell but won’t in front of Faith.

I went over and sat on Briana’s bed, I don’t think my legs could hold me any longer. Faith crawled to the center of the bed and continued to watch her movie. “I was in a treatment center for four months not long after Faith was born. Her dad wanted nothing to do with her, Blake came back and that’s when the attacks started, I felt alone and I had no idea what to do. I dropped Faith off at my mom’s for Briana to babysit her, I told her that I had a photo-shoot and left. But I lied; I went home and slit my wrists. Jack and Zack found me in a pool of my blood, barely conscious. It has traumatized them both, and that’s why they are super protective over me. The courts gave my mom temporary custody of Faith and said I had a year to prove that I am a fit parent. I’m almost to the one year mark but the incident happened with the date rape and I lost my case so I doubt they will give me a second chance.”

“How could you not tell me this? I wouldn’t for a second judge you, so why keep her a secret?” Alex snapped. Faith jumped and cowered in the corner of the bed. I could tell that Alex felt badly for scaring her but he’s still annoyed at me.

“A girl with a kid is usually a deal breaker with guys. I really didn’t want to chance that.” I said trying to swallow back the lump in my throat. I feel the tears coming on and I don’t want to cry.

“But you never gave me the chance to voice my opinion. I would have been okay with you having a child. Did you see me judge Briana for having Izzy?”

“You’re not trying to date my sister though!” I cut him off.

“No, I’m not. But that isn’t the point. You deliberately kept something from me that is vital information. What were you going to do? Wait until we were at the alter to tell me that you have a kid.” My eyes widened at Alex’s words and so did his. I don’t think he meant to say what he did, but either way he did say it.

“You’re thinking of marrying me? We haven’t even been together that long.” I said shocked.

“I was just expressing a point.” He sighed which kind of broke a piece of my heart. “But if I were, why does that shock you so much? How many times do I have to tell you that I am irrevocably in love with you? No matter what you do or say will make me love you any less. Unless you say you’ve killed someone.” He walked over and sat next to me. “So you have a daughter, I can deal with that. And by Zack and Jack’s reactions to that phone call when you heard Lisa say we were getting back together gave me the idea that you have hurt yourself. And if I’m being honest I sort of knew about you trying to, you know.” He looked over a Faith, not wanting to say the words out loud. “When you were in the hospital, I overheard Jack, Liam and Zack talking about the last time you were there and how scared they were. I should have told you that I knew, but I wanted you to open up to me.”

“I’m sorry for not telling you. You don’t know how hard it was for the boys to keep this one a secret, especially when I was in the hospital. You wouldn’t leave and she wanted me. But Carla kept her and Izzy occupied.” I told him then motioned for Faith to come over to me. She crawled over and sat on my lap.

“Mommy, he daddy?” she tried to whisper but failed.

I looked up at Alex with a smirk and he just shrugged. “No baby girl, he’s not your daddy. But maybe if you’re really nice, one day he will be.”

“Thinking of marrying me?” he chuckled with raised eyebrows.

“Maybe.” I shrugged. “How can I not when you are still here? I see how hard it is for Briana to find a guy to accept her because of Izzy and that scared me.”

“Well I’m not going anywhere.” He winked at me then looked down at Faith. “Hi pretty girl, I’m Alex.”

Faith looked up at me then over at Alex. She climbed off my lap and sat up on her knees in front of Alex. “Hi, me Faith.” She told him then gave him a hug.

There was a knock on the wall. I looked up and saw Briana standing there. “Mom wanted to know if Alex is staying.”

“She doesn’t mind?” Alex asked confused making me and Briana laugh.

“We both have kids, I’m sure she knows that neither of us are virgins. What more trouble can we get into?” Briana laughed.

“Point taken.” He nodded.

“Stay?” I shrugged. “You’ll have to sleep on a pull out couch with me, but it’s pretty comfortable.”

“We’re going to be sleeping in tiny bunks for the next month I’m sure I’ll survive on a pull out couch for one night.” He laughed.

We all went downstairs and got settled in. The kids wanted to watch a movie so we all piled up on the pull out couch and watched the Lion King. My mom had gone to bed after me and Alex came downstairs. Briana ended up falling asleep on the recliner chair, Johnny and Ryleigh fell asleep on the other couch and Izzy and Faith fell asleep with me and Alex. Even though I have a lot more to discuss with Alex before we are fully okay, but sleeping next to him with my daughter curled up next to me was the best feeling in the world. I just hope I can get custody back so I can have many more nights like this.